Something’s Missing

Today, we’re at the building we secured for running the foundation. We’ve been doing everything behind the scenes out of the house up until now, but Sawyer and I decided to hold a lunch for the core group and give a few speeches as to why we’re doing this and what it means to us.

We’re all gathered in the conference room and Sawyer defers to me to begin.

As I look around at all of them, they seem so happy to be here. I hate to put a damper on their mood, but this is going to be sad before it becomes happy.

“Thank you for coming today. We have all been working tirelessly to get things organized to launch this foundation in Noah’s memory. It may be called The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts, but Belle, my parents, Harold, and even Sara, will all be well-represented here.”

Taking a deep breath, I continue. “When we lost Noah and Belle, I lost a huge part of who I am. They were the two best pieces of me and I didn’t know how to process their loss. All of you helped me find a way to the other side of my grief. What you probably don’t know is that I spent so much time grieving Noah, that I’ve avoided fully accepting losing Belle. I write her letters, one a week, and put them in a sealed envelope.”

Karen gasps and Darren’s eyes grow wide.

“In the beginning, this was the only way I could cope. I’ve only written her two letters the past couple of months. Today, I wrote what I hope will be my final one. You see, losing Noah was devastating, but losing Belle … I think that’s what threw me over the edge. It was a snowball effect. I put all my energy into missing Noah and avoiding the reality that Belle is truly gone. She was my best friend and my sister for over twenty years. Each day I see her living through Cadence. She has Belle’s laugh, her smile, her personality. And each day it’s become a little easier to accept Belle is gone.”

My tears are streaming down my cheeks now, but they’re cathartic.

“Our children have been blessed with the best parts of Belle and Noah. We’re the luckiest people in the world to have pieces of them still with us. This foundation has given me hope, and by doing something in their honor, I’ve been able to feel a bit more at peace with moving forward without them.

“Noah’s love was one of the most incredible gifts I’d ever been given. I want that same love to radiate through this foundation and everyone who works here. This will be a happy place that helps make dreams come true. This foundation should encompass everything Noah and Belle were, what they believed in, and what they were passionate about. Which means our focus will be love, happiness, people, and the arts. Before we toast, I’m going to turn this over to Sawyer to say a few words.”

I take my seat and Sawyer stands, flashing everyone that dimpled smile of his I love so much.

“It’s kind of hard to follow Mel’s lead, she’s good with words by trade,” he jokes, and everyone laughs. It’s not really true anymore, but he wishes it were.

“This foundation is something Noah would have loved. Given time, I’m sure he would have started one on his own. Noah was retiring from touring, but he would have never retired from making people happy, including himself.”

Sawyer’s a bit choked up and takes a drink of water before continuing.

“These past two years have been hard for us all. We lost the heart of our family, but the Westons are strong and Noah would hate seeing how long we’ve mourned him. Starting this foundation is good for each of us because we were all touched by Noah and lucky enough to be loved by him immensely.

“There are still days when I wake up excited to talk to Noah. Those days are harder than the rest. Having Nate around really helps. I may have lost my twin, but a piece of him lives on through his son and that is a priceless gift. I’d give everything I have to bring Noah back to us but since that’s not an option, I’m pouring everything I am into the success of his foundation.”

Rory glares at him from her seat but at least she’s keeping her mouth shut.

“Over the next few years, we plan to release an album a year. Some music from the Tritons, some of ours, and some we’ll solicit from other artists. The industry is already buzzing about the upcoming release of EP, and I’ve got some meetings set up with artists to appear on future albums. I miss Noah every day and will do whatever I can to keep his legacy alive as long as possible. I know we all will. Everyone, please raise your glasses.”

As everyone raises their champagne, there’s not a dry eye.

“To Noah. May your love and spirit always be with us.”

Sawyer’s toast is perfect and I can’t help but think I feel Noah’s warmth in this room.

It’s been a about a month since our soft launch at the foundation. It’s now up and running, and even though I wanted to be a bigger part of it, Sawyer and I decided to hire a larger staff. Rory is the only one in the family working full-time. In spite of how she feels toward me and Sawyer, she’s doing a phenomenal job. In fact, she’s already set up a fundraiser for the holidays to auction off donations Sawyer and the guys have been able to secure from their famous friends, as well as the stuff we got from my parents’ house which sold a few weeks ago.

I’m so proud of everything we’ve accomplished and all the good things we’re doing in Noah’s memory. But recently, I started noticing a level of sadness taking over my life when I spent too much time focusing on it. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a better balance someday, but I’m happy taking a step back and being a mom right now. And I think that’s where Noah would want my focus most of all.

His EP released a few weeks ago and has already gone multi-platinum. There’s already a lot of buzz about Grammy nominations and it makes my heart happy. Noah’s voice was a gift to the world; releasing this EP was the right choice.

Now, I’m sitting at the kitchen table going over the list of funds we’ve agreed upon so far. There are twenty on the list, which is a lot, so they won’t all roll out at once. I’m looking at the top six we’re starting with but it still feels inadequate.

The Noah Weston Fate Grant – for those who believe all things are possible

The Belle Dixson Scholarship for the Arts

The Triton Family Musical Scholarship for Underprivileged Youth

The Harold Scott Scholarship for International Studies

The Sara Stone Fund for Mental Health Awareness and Treatment

The Bastards and Dangerous Musical Equipment Grant for Up and Coming Musicians

“Mommy!” Nate calls out as he and Sawyer come in with the groceries. “I got popsicles!” he says, clutching the box to his chest.

“I see that. Is Daddy Sawyer going to clean you up after you make a mess?”

“Of course,” Sawyer says as he places a kiss on top of my head.

“Where’s Cady?” Nate asks sweetly.

“She went to see her grandma, she’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, popsicle?”

Sawyer laughs at his one-track mind and puts him in his high chair. He’s pretty much outgrown it but sticky messes require containment.

“Why are you scrunching your face like that? It’s too pretty to be scrunched.”

“Something’s missing, Sawyer,” I reply with a frustrated sigh.

“Are you still going over that list? We’ve been around and around with this, Mel.”

“I know, but it’s eating away at me. It’s like Noah is telling me there’s something vital we’re missing and I have to figure it out.”

Sawyer’s shoulders slump and he abandons the groceries and takes a seat. “Do you remember when I asked you if I should start being more philanthropic after your run-in with Sara?”

“The day you were drunk?” I ask, remembering the conversation well.

“Yup, that was the day. A few days later, I read an article on the rate of homelessness among California’s college students. The numbers are staggering, Mel. It’s not just California, either. We’re just at the top of a long list.”

“That’s horrible. I had no idea.”

“Right? Me, either. So I started thinking about what our lives would have been like if we hadn’t gotten our big break, and I felt guilty.”

“Why?”

“Because I have a lot. Not as much as Noah did, but I’m not far behind him. I’ve made some good investments of my own over the years. For someone with so much, I sure didn’t pay it forward very well. Not like Noah always did.”

“Sawyer, you have a wonderful heart and you are extremely generous with your friends, family, and employees. You take care of people in your own way.”

“Yeah, I know, but after reading that I felt like shit, so I decided to do something about it.”

Sawyer exhales and his gorgeous green eyes meet mine. “What did you do?”

“I sat down one day and started calling universities in California. Some of them keep rosters of their homeless students, others have ‘unofficial’ rosters that faculty or students report. I told them an anonymous benefactor would like to donate housing or funds for housing for some of their students.”

Who is this man? I’ve always known Sawyer was good, but why hide this?

“And what did they say?”

“Daddy Sawyer, I sticky,” Nate calls out. The popsicle is gone but his hands and face are a mess. Sawyer grabs a wet cloth and makes a game of it while wiping him down. Then he opens the high chair and scoops Nate out. Nate hugs him and gives him a big, loud kiss. “I love you, Daddy Sawyer.”

My heart melts every time, and lately … well, my ovaries are screaming they want more of that soon.

“I love you, too, Nate. Go play with your toys so I can talk to Mommy.”

“Okay!” he says as he runs toward the stockpile of toys in the living room.

“They said yes. But then I struggled with how to do it. There were so many kids and I could never pay for as many as I wanted to … I’d be broke. The day I was really agonizing over it, I was working on my laptop down in the garage. It was the first day Noah decided to record your EP and he walked in on me with all my shit spread out on the desk.”

“Noah knew?”

“Noah was my partner, Mel. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. We didn’t tell anyone, at first. A lot of the time he was working on your music he was also working on this with me.”

This is it. This is what Noah was trying to show me. I know he’s been trying to get me to figure this out. I just know it.

“Can you explain all of this to me? Please,” I beg, and he tugs my hand until I rise from my chair and leads us to the couch. As we sit where we can watch Nate play, Sawyer throws his arm around my shoulder.

“Are you mad, Princess?”

“Never. I told Noah a thousand times and I’ll tell you now. Your money isn’t my business or my concern. I love you, Sawyer. Not your bank account, not your altruism, not your Bastards and Dangerous persona, just you—the man behind it all.”

“That might be the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me,” he says huskily against my lips.

“Well, maybe I need to step up my game.” His tongue meets mine, and I let myself fall into his kiss. As he pulls back, he sighs. “Explain, please.”

With the sincerest of looks on his face, he begins.

“You should know this wasn’t something we were keeping from you forever. Noah never wanted to keep it from you at all. The day he found me, we laid out a plan, contacted Tony, set it all up, and went from there. It was the first time in a year we had something bonding the two of us. I needed that so much, you have no idea. In a way, it reminded me of us being kids again and having super-secret twin stuff no one else knew about or understood.”

“It made you happy.”

He smiles at me. “So fucking happy. And for the first time, I understood the high Noah got from helping others like he did. Once me, Noah, and Tony realized this was so much bigger than us, we started recruiting angel investors. Tony took care of most of it, but Noah and I brought in some close friends we knew would want to contribute and still remain anonymous.”

“But not me?”

“Not you, not yet. This sounds so lame now, but I didn’t want you to know and think I was doing it just because I wanted to be like Noah. You’re the one who inspired me to do it. After our talk in the kitchen that day, I wanted you to see me for more than what other people saw me.”

“You’re not being fair to yourself, Sawyer. You’re one of the most incredible people I know. You have the biggest heart and no matter what your reputation was, by now you have to know I know your heart.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I’m so proud of you guys, tell me the rest. Don’t leave anything out.”

My eyes tear up as I imagine how excited Noah was for this. I’ve never been sure about the afterlife, ghosts, souls, or whatever, but ever since Noah died I swear he’s been giving me signals and signs. This was one of them.

“We started with California universities and they posted signs and sent out email alerts to their students. We had ten thousand applications in twenty-four hours. That’s when we realized we couldn’t do it alone. We tried for the first couple of months, but with our schedules and the sheer demand, it wasn’t conducive to helping people quickly. Instead, we set up a lottery system, those who were chosen were vetted, and they were housed after that.”

He squeezes me closer and continues. “By May, we were able to house a thousand kids. It didn’t seem like a lot, but it was something. It helped that the schools worked with us to get a lot of them in dorms and on meal plans with a discounted rate. Noah reminded me about an abandoned apartment building I bought a few years ago that was within twenty miles of one of the schools. I was going to dump it to a developer, but after talking it over with Noah and Tony we came up with a better plan. We worked with some businesses who donated time and supplies and got it ready to use in three months. Then, the accident happened.”

“Noah never got to see it?”

“He saw photos and loved it. It’s a large complex and can fit a thousand students. After the accident, I delayed the opening by four months. It killed me, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to move forward and I knew Noah would want me putting my own personal touch on everything.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Only Tony and the other investors.”

“How are things now?”

“So far so good. It’s still a California-based project, but word has spread and donations continue to flood in. We’re up to three thousand kids now. What’s really cool is some of the kids who graduated last year are now working and have started sending in donations to help pay it forward.” Sawyer looks down at Nate and shakes his head. “I think about Nate and it slays me. I’d die if that happened to him. Some of these kids come from incredible homes, but bad shit happens and they’re left grasping at straws. When I think about my own kid being in that situation it makes me work harder to help these kids now.”

“Hey,” I say, turning my body toward him “That will never be our kids, Sawyer. We’ve already made sure of that.”

A slight blush creeps into his cheeks and then he smiles. “You said our kids.”

With a quick glance at Nate, who is busy pushing cars around, I flip myself onto Sawyer’s lap. “Yes, I did. We will have kids, Sawyer, we just need to figure out when.”

“Now, Princess, I want them now.”

“Patience is a virtue.”

“Says no one, ever,” he replies with a pout.

“I need a little more time, but I promise it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I love watching you with Nate, it brings out so many emotions in me I can’t even begin to describe them. It also turns me on.”

His eyes glaze over with need as he hardens beneath me. “Thinking about turning you on turns me on.”

“Mommy, can I hug, too?” Nate pulls on the back of my shirt, and Sawyer’s excitement fades away beneath me.

He chuckles against my neck. “Kids always have the best timing.”

“Come on, Nate, climb up.” Within seconds, we’re all wrapped in a big family hug. This is my family. A bit different than I’d imagined in the beginning, but our love is real and so is our happiness.

After Nate is tired of us, he hops down and a lightbulb sparks in my mind.

“Sawyer, is Eli one of your investors?”

He pulls his lip ring into his mouth and tugs at it. Sawyer does this when he’s trying to find a way out of something.

“They’re private investors for a reason, Mel. I can’t confirm or deny that.”

“Mmhm, and did you guys ever think I might want to invest? Noah knew I was trying to figure out what the hell to do with my inheritance.”

This time, his tone is laced with sadness. “He was going to ask you when he took you on a tour of the apartment building. He wanted you to see what we’d been working on. By then it was more the element of surprise. You guys were married and you and I had been through a lot. I was excited for you to know, but ever since the accident … I’ve been enjoying it being my last secret endeavor with Noah and wasn’t ready to give that up, I guess.”

“That makes complete sense. Can you at least tell me the name now?”

With a wide smile, he responds, “The Sunshine Project.”

“Are you serious?”

He laughs. “We both thought it was appropriate. Joey called you Mellie Sunshine and we both agreed you’d brought more than your share of it into our lives. It seemed right, and Noah thought by doing something to honor your dad it would help you figure out where or how to invest your money.”

I’m rapidly blinking back my tears. “Is this apartment building close?”

“About an hour away. Do you want to go see it?”

I nod, and he stands, taking me with him and then setting me down. “Nate, you want to go for a ride in the car?”

Nate jumps up with his cars in his hands “Yes, Daddy Sawyer!”

After Nate is buckled into his car seat, the perfect idea hits me. “Sawyer, this is it!”

With a perplexed look on his face, he answers, “I’ll bite, what is it?”

“What you should use the vaulted music for! Yours and my parents.”

“For The Sunshine Project?” he asks, and I nod excitedly.

“Even if you split the proceeds three ways, to Sunshine, to the foundation, and to yourselves, I bet it would be a massive amount of money.”

“Noah also left a yearly endowment to the project that will continue to grow with interest. That’s part of his will that was only disclosed to me. Fucking hell, Princess, you’re brilliant and this is a perfect idea!”

As we drive down PCH, with the ocean glittering under the sun and Nate singing his own singalong in the back of the car, I can’t help but think this is all a sign from Noah. A bit of fate is shining down on us today.

Suddenly, Nate belts out a lyric louder than the speakers and Sawyer and I exchange knowing glances. This little boy is going to take after both his daddies and his grandparents. God help us all.

When we got back from the student dorms, I was still struggling to wrap my mind around it all. I’m so fucking proud of all the guys. In my heart, I know all the men near and dear to me are part of this project. While Sawyer bathes Nate, I add a few more causes to my list and feel like I can breathe a bit easier.

The Noah Weston Grant benefiting The Sunshine Project

The Joey and Iris Triton Grant benefiting The Sunshine Project

The Harold Scott Grant benefiting The Sunshine Project

The Bastards and Dangerous Grant benefiting The Sunshine Project

The Andy Reynolds Grant benefiting The Sunshine Project

The last one is the driver who hit our bus. It finally seems right to do something in his honor. I hope everyone else agrees.

“You ready for bed, Princess?” Sawyer asks, placing a kiss on top of my head and looking over my shoulder. “Andy, huh?” he asks softly.

I look up at his glassy eyes. “Do you mind? I feel like Noah would want this one most of all.”

“You’ve got an amazing heart, Amelia. I’m so proud to have a piece of it. I don’t mind. I think you’re right, Noah would want this.”

“Make me a promise, Sawyer.” I stand and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Anything, Mel.”

“Let’s not keep secrets from each other. Even though there were reasons, I’m finding out Noah had some small secrets from me and I don’t like it. Can we agree to be like Anna and Wyatt and no matter what it is we agree to vault, we tell each other as the exception?”

Suddenly, he’s hugging me tighter. “Hell yeah we can. There’s no one I want to keep secrets with more than you.”