Adjustment Period

The next few days were sweeter. Sawyer and I were stealing kisses when we could but still managed to keep things light. I think we both needed a bit of space after the night we spent in his bed. I was looking forward to our night out, but Saylor and Emme got sick and we had to postpone. The following week was more of the same. It was kind of nice doing the flirting thing with Sawyer and sneaking kisses.

That weekend, the guys met up with Rob, J, and even Eli flew in for his weekend off. They all went on their first male bonding trip to a cabin in Big Bear. It was supposed to be a fun trip to honor Noah and his promise to Sawyer that they would all still get together once a year to bond. It was especially important to Sawyer since he postponed the family Disney World vacation until October, in hopes we’d all be in a better place by then. I’ve already decided I can’t, but I’m hoping the rest of the group can make it work.

Unfortunately, what was supposed to be three days of fishing and fun for them turned into one night of drunken tears and a bunch of men letting their emotions get the best of them. They turned around and came home the very next day. For the most part, Darren and Sawyer hid in their rooms all weekend, but I was able to push my own issues aside long enough to spend some time catching up with Eli.

Spending time with Eli was a great distraction because while they were all up in Big Bear, Diane, Anna, Rory, and I had our own pity party here. It mostly consisted of reminiscing about Noah, crying, drinking tequila, and eating way too much junk food. All the kids had a sleepover with Karen and Owen, so we were free to drink as much as we wanted.

When Sawyer got home the next day and didn’t talk to me, I was irritated and tried chalking it up to him not feeling well and being upset about his shortened weekend. As the weekend went on, I realized he must have been having second thoughts, which was a relief because so was I. By the following week, I’d decided being with Sawyer was definitely a mistake. What kind of woman sleeps with brothers anyway, and twins at that? My moral compass is so far gone I don’t know my head from my ass anymore.

It’s been six weeks since we slept together. After the first week, Sawyer went from avoiding me to spending almost all of his free time in the garage working on music or whatever. He even blew off a foundation meeting. And while I was pissed, I was glad because no one would pick up on our tension and suspect something. I think both of us must have realized we moved too quickly and are now walking, talking, emotional disasters, doing our best to keep our distance from each other. Either that or Sawyer realized what he thought was love was only lust and he doesn’t know how to tell me he made a mistake. While he spends his days avoiding me in the garage, I’ve been sitting in my room trying to decide what to do about Noah’s things.

Diane brought it up the night she was over. When she walked into my room and saw his wallet and keys sitting on the dresser like they were just waiting for him to come in and grab them, she started crying immediately. Then she looked in the closet and saw everything just as he’d left them. She thinks I can’t truly have closure until I do something with his clothes and personal effects. As I lay back on the bed, I think about her advice.

“It’s been over a year, Mel, you have to move on. You have the biggest memory of Noah walking around this house every day. Nate will give you more pleasure than hanging onto things, I promise you.”

Her sympathetic gaze met mine, but I wasn’t sold on the idea at all. “This is his house, Diane, and these are his things. It’s not right to mess with that.”

“No, what’s not right is you living in a museum as if you’re waiting for him to walk back in that door. Noah is gone, Mel. There’s nothing that can bring him back to us. You need to think about sorting his things. Some stuff to keep for you or Nate, offer some things up to the family, and then donate the rest. Noah would love the idea of someone less fortunate walking around in his clothes.”

I opened the drawer and pulled out my anxiety medication. It’s something I was hardly taking at all, but ever since that night with Sawyer I’d been taking them consistently again. My therapist said it was normal, but at that point I didn’t even know what normal was anymore.

“I’m not there yet, Diane.”

She leaned against the dresser and looked me over thoroughly as I popped a pill. “You seem different lately and I can’t put my finger on why. If you need to talk, I’m happy to be a sounding board for you. I’m also happy to help you with all this,” she added, gesturing around the room. “When you’re ready, of course.”

“Will I ever be ready? Because I feel like I started moving forward only to be thrown backward. Do you know this whole year I’ve missed Belle like crazy but I’m not sure how much I’ve actually grieved for her because I’ve been so busy being angry at Noah for leaving me and grieving for him? What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of sister?”

“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, Mel. I saw you at the funeral, I heard what happened at the cemetery, and I know you’ve been grieving for both of them. That’s why this has been so hard. I know this is going to sound clinical, but I’m going to say it anyway.”

I looked at her, hoping whatever she was going to say would put some kind of spin on this to make me feel better because I’m tired of being off kilter.

“Losing a friend is easier than losing a spouse. Not the loss itself but coping afterward. You’re doing all the things for Belle you know she would want. You’re taking care of Darren, of Cadence, and filling the void she left. You can rationalize that in your mind as still being a good friend. But losing your husband, your partner, your co-parent … it’s different. You lose intimacy, your sounding board, your true north. You’re grasping at straws to be okay with moving on without them, to figure out if and when it’s okay to love again someday, questioning everything you do and wondering if they would agree and want it, too. It’s never going to be an easy path to walk, but remember we’re here and you never have to walk it alone.”

“I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss someone.”

“Sawyer is right there with you, Mel. You guys need to keep leaning on each other and you’ll find your way through.”

If she only knew. We’ve gotten ourselves into such a mess. I cross the room and open Noah’s closet and am overwhelmed by his scent. It wraps around my senses and pulls me into a false sense of security. Turning off the light, I close the door behind me and lie down on the floor. I’m not ready, not when I can come in here and imagine lying in the dark with him, sharing stories and our bodies.

“Mel, where are you?” Sawyer. Of all the times he wants to talk to me, he comes in here now.

“In the closet,” I call out, and he opens the door.

“What are you doing?”

“Going crazy. What did you need?” Short answers and to the point. This has been our routine for weeks now.

“Actually, I thought maybe I could convince you to come out with me to get some coffee and take a drive. I think it’s time we talk.”

“I’m perfectly comfortable sitting here drowning in the scent of my husband. Thanks, but no thanks.”

He sighs loudly and walks inside. Then he reaches down and pulls me up by the arms. “This isn’t a suggestion, Mel. And what you’re doing right now isn’t healthy. You’re regressing and that’s the last thing you need. Come on. Darren said he’ll watch Nate.”

“Fine,” I mutter and put on my flip-flops. “But it better be a big-ass coffee and some pastries.”

“Anything for you, Princess,” he says with a laugh.

We climb into Sawyer’s SUV and take off. It’s strange going out with just him and no bodyguards. Maybe things will continue to die down now that the band isn’t putting out any more music and the tour has been done for over a year. The interview requests have slowed; I guess you can only hear no so many times before you give up.

He pulls off at his favorite coffee place and throws on a hat. “I’ll be right back.”

It’s a beautiful day and there are tons of people at the beach. It will calm down a little bit once school starts again but not much. California sunshine keeps people at the beach year-round. Sawyer gets back in the SUV with a bag of pastries and a tray of drinks—two waters and two coffees. One of the cups says “Princess” on it and I take it from the tray. He hands me the bag and I dig through until I find a vanilla scone. At least he knows what I like; that earns him some brownie points.

“So where are we going?”

“J called when I was in the coffee shop and said he needs to talk. Do you mind if we pop by there first? It will save him a trip later.”

“Sure, but where are we going afterward?”

“I just want to drive, clear my head, and talk. We need to talk, Mel.”

“Okay.” I’m dreading our talk. I’m not sure it can go anywhere positive. Hopefully, we can find a way to get back to normal, whatever that is. For someone who says he’s in love with me, he sure doesn’t act like it. And that’s okay because I’m sticking with my decision that letting Sawyer get me off was a really bad idea. Even if it was fucking phenomenal.

“Thanks for the coffee,” I say, hoping to break this awkward silence.

“It’s the least I owe you after the way I’ve been treating you.” His candid confession catches me off guard, sending us back into silence.

He pulls up in front of a cute little house. “I thought J lived in an apartment?”

“He moved a few months ago. I guess the bar is doing really well.”

We get out of the car and J opens the door before we even get to it. “Hey, guys. Welcome to my humble abode.”

The inside of the house is nice. It feels comfortable and well lived in. Our house is cold in contrast and definitely isn’t homey. Maybe that’s just Sawyer’s style because other than the kids’ toys, there’s nothing friendly about it.

Jordan has black leather furniture, wooden accent tables, and a huge TV. There are rugs throughout the house, covering the hardwood floors.

“Oh, look at your kitty!” I cry out, inching toward the orange and black cat sitting on the chair. He’s big and roly poly and I just want to squeeze him. The second I get close, he rears up and hisses, swiping his paw at me like he’s possessed by the devil. “Holy shit, what’s wrong with him?”

Jordan and Sawyer laugh. “Fuck if I know. He was a stray and I took him in. He’s an ornery son of a bitch so I named him Fat Bastard. I’m hardly ever here, so I don’t get in his way and he doesn’t get in mine.”

“Remind me to keep Nate away from here,” I grumble and sit down on the couch opposite of the crazy fucking cat.

“He’s not like that with everyone. He cuddles with me sometimes and I’m pretty sure Allie gives him a cat boner or something. Whenever she’s around, he curls up in her lap and purrs the whole time. He even licks her sometimes.”

“So what’s going on, J?” Sawyer asks as he sits next to me, which is a little too close for my comfort. I scoot farther down the couch, but Sawyer smirks at me and scoots closer. Asshole.

Jordan reaches for some envelopes on the table, handing one to me and one to Sawyer. “You can open them. Yours is just this month’s rent, Sawyer. Nothing big.”

I know exactly what is in this envelope and when I open it and see the check I close it and give it back to him. “Sorry, J, that’s yours.”

A confused look passes over his face as he tries to hand it back. “This isn’t a joke, Mel. You need to take this shit off my conscience.”

“I’m not joking, J. Noah made it a specific point in his video to me that I was in no uncertain terms allowed to take money from you. Not rent, not your inheritance.”

“That bastard. I don’t want his fucking money. I don’t need it.” He’s pissed, and Sawyer is watching our interaction carefully.

“Expand,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders.

They both whip their heads toward me and say, “What?” at the same time.

“Noah wanted you to use that money for something important to you. He was so mad at you that you wouldn’t let him buy you the bar outright in the first place. He told me early on he’d taken care of his family in his will. But later, the more we got to know each other the more I learned. He said he hoped you would fulfill your dreams one day and open more locations. This is your chance.”

“You’re seriously not going to take this money back?” he asks, his frustration growing.

“I can’t. In fact, it was a codicil of the will. If I take it back, I lose my inheritance. So if you don’t keep that money there will be no Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts.” I’m doing the best I can to say it with a straight face. Noah would have never put a stipulation on my inheritance and if J knows him at all, he’ll know that.

Sawyer flashes me a look that tells me he knows I’m fucking with J and it makes me want to smile, but I don’t. I keep my expression stoic.

“Noah wouldn’t do that. Why are you lying to me?”

With a smile, I reply, “Because Noah wanted you to have it. He didn’t put it in his will, but he really did put it in his video. Don’t make me go against his wishes, Jordan. My psyche can’t handle any more shit.”

“Well, what if my psyche can’t take it?”

Sawyer jumps in and takes the reigns, “J, you are his brother and he wanted you to have it. You’re the only one who has an issue with it, and I know you’re proud, but fuck … Noah was so fucking proud of you. Don’t do this for you, do it for him. Have you watched your video yet?”

“I can’t,” he answers, looking down at the floor.

“Do you want me to watch it with you?” Sawyer offers, and it makes me melt. That’s the last thing he wants to do, but he’ll do it for his brother.

“Yeah, but not tonight, okay? I’ve got a huge private party at the club to get ready for and I’m pretty sure I need to be drunk before or after or both.”

“Tomorrow?”

J looks Sawyer in the eye with determination. “Tomorrow. Any time after two. You know I need to sleep and you wake up way too fucking early for me.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. We’re going to get out of here before Fat Bastard eats us.”

Jordan laughs and scoops the reluctant cat into his lap. “His bark is bigger than his bite.”

“Keep telling yourself that. He needs an exorcism.” I bend down and kiss J on the cheek. “Come over for dinner soon and play with Nate. He misses his uncle.”

“I don’t think he’s old enough to miss me, but let me know when and I’m there. Can I bring Allie?”

With a raised brow, I take a step back. “Are you going to finally admit there’s a you and Allie?”

His sheepish smile confirms it before his words. “Yeah, at least I think so.”

“Then yes, bring her. She’s sweet, J, you should hang on to her.”

Sawyer squeezes my hand to get me to stop talking but I pull it away quickly. J shakes his head and nails Sawyer with a glare. “Looks like I’m not the only one with shit to work out. Go take care of business, dear brother of mine.”

My heart takes a swan dive into the depths of my stomach. Jordan knows. Fuck, who else did Sawyer tell? Storming out of the house, I wait by the side of the truck until Sawyer hits the alarm to unlock it. We ride in silence for a while. I’m so frustrated with him and pissed off that people seem to know about what we did. Finally, Sawyer speaks.

“He’s my brother, Princess.”

“And so was Noah, Sawyer!”

Sawyer clutches the wheel so tightly I’m surprised he can still turn the wheel when he needs to. After about twenty minutes, Sawyer punches in a code at a gate and pulls the SUV down a long, winding driveway. The house is beautiful and almost looks like an old plantation house. He continues driving behind the house and pulls up under a large oak tree. The yard is filled with them.

“Where are we?”

“My grandparents’ house. Well, I guess it’s my house now. I bought it when they died.” His confession shocks me. This place is beautiful. “I wanted to bring you somewhere to talk where we could be comfortable and speak freely.”

“There’s no point, Sawyer, we’re a mess. Everything is a mess.” I’m so emotional I just want to go home, but he brought us here and I know this place has to be special to him.

“Indulge me, Mel, please?” He gets out of the car and comes around and opens my door. Taking my hand in his, he leads me down a flagstone path to a cute little gazebo. We take a seat on a floral outdoor couch and I back up against the arm with my arms around my knees, facing him head-on, like I used to do when Belle and I were going to get deep.

“Alright, Sawyer, I’m here and I’m listening. Why don’t you start by telling me who knows about the two of us?”

Sawyer blows out a breath and scoots closer, wrapping his hands around my ankles. “J and Diane,” he confesses. My head spins.

“Why?” The anguished word falls from my lips and he squeezes me tighter.

“Fuck, and Rob and Darren, too,” he adds quickly. My heart is racing; I really wish I had my anxiety meds with me right now. “When we were in Big Bear, Darren and I thought we were alone. He told me he heard the two of us that night and was wondering if it meant anything significant.”

I close my eyes and put my head on my knees; I can’t look at him right now. “We weren’t as alone as we thought. J and Rob had come back because they were out of beer. Rob and I have history. He’s not a fan of my past behavior with women. We got into a fight. He accused me of using you and being a disgrace to my family. He sucker-punched me and I punched him back. J and Darren broke us up and took us to separate corners. While he was in his, he called Diane.”

“Was that before or after she came to the house that day?”

“Before.” His answer is so low it’s almost inaudible. It makes sense now, what she said about falling in love again. I feel like such an idiot.

“I was ashamed, Mel. I didn’t mean to betray you.”

“They must think I’m a whore.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” he says angrily. “You are the farthest thing from a whore. I fucking love you, Princess, and you’re making it out to be some sordid affair when you say things like that.”

“Isn’t it, though?” I ask through my tears. “He was your brother, Sawyer! What do Diane and J think about it, huh? You tell me how disgusting they think we are!”

“Diane was pissed at Rob. That’s the real reason she got so shitfaced with you that night. She’s happy for us, Mel. She’s on our side. It’s not surprising because she’s the only one in my family who has known all along how I’ve felt about you. She’s my sister and she’s a shrink, she’s always been my sounding board. She hears the shit that was too fucked up to tell Noah, at least right away. I never kept any secrets from him.”

“Except when it came to me.” He averts his gaze from mine. “Sawyer, except when it came to me … right?”

He shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry, Mel, but he knew how I felt about you.”

I pull away from him and rush to stand, but the world spins around me and the dizziness pulls me toward the ground like a centrifugal force. As usual, Sawyer is there to catch me when I fall. He gently lays me down on the couch. “Don’t move,” he cautions sternly and runs off. Like I could move if I wanted to.

He’s back quickly with the water out of the truck and he leans me forward and sits behind me, positioning my body against his chest. “Drink this,” he says as he tilts the bottle to my lips. After taking a few sips, I push it away.

“Did Noah think there was something going on with us?” I’m terrified of his answer. My heart can’t take knowing Noah thought I was cheating.

“Hell no. I admitted my feelings for you in a drunken stupor and after that, I denied them. Noah didn’t believe me, but he let it go for the most part. Every once in a while, he’d say something and I’d deny it. If Noah thought there was something going on with us he would have never married you, he wasn’t that kind of guy.”

“What about J?” I’m trying to wrap my head around all of this but it’s too much, too soon.

“J’s torn. He was the first person to confront me about my feelings for you that first Thanksgiving. He doesn’t judge us, he’s just not sure how to feel about it. But he also said it’s not really his place to have an opinion on our lives and if we’re happy we should go with it.”

With my eyes closed, I release a deep breath. “Sawyer, this is a lot to take in.”

His arm wraps around me tightly, like he’s afraid I’m going to run away. “I know. It’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve never done this before, Mel. Relationships, love, this isn’t me. I don’t know how to do this and I’m not good at it, but I want to try with you.”

The passion in his words is fierce. “Sawyer, when you were gone, I lost my shit over Noah again. You weren’t the only one avoiding talking. Maybe we moved too fast, or took a direction we never should have in the first place, I don’t know, but I—”

His finger moves against my mouth, effectively keeping me from speaking. “Don’t say another word. Don’t say it was a mistake, don’t say you want to give up. Give me another chance, Mel, please. Let me take you out tonight, to the club, on a proper date. Don’t end this because I’m an idiot.”

“It’s been six weeks, Sawyer. It’s okay, I’m not mad. We can try to go back to the way things were before.” It hurts me to say the words. I’ve never been this torn up over a man.

“I know it’s been six weeks. Six long weeks that my hand hasn’t been able to keep up with the needs of my cock because nothing can imitate the feel of your sweet pussy wrapped around me. Six agonizing weeks without tasting your essence on my tongue. Six weeks without hearing you sigh as you sleep. Four weeks without feeling your body against mine. Four weeks without tasting your tongue in my mouth, without feeling your arms wrapped around me, without seeing you smile. I know I fucked up, Princess, and I won’t ever do it again if you give me another chance.”

Damn him and his dirty mouth. Those words shoot my libido into orbit. I don’t care about the pain when all I want is for him to make me feel good. “Alright, we’ll go out tonight if we can find someone to watch Nate.” Everything in my body tells me this is a bad idea, that this can only end in more heartache.

“Darren already agreed to watch him.”

“You talked to him before me?” My frosty words only make him pull me closer to him.

“Actually, he told me to pull my head out of my ass and take notice that I’m not the only one who was miserable. He thought it would do us good to make up. You’ve been within my grasp for weeks and yet, you’ve never been so far away.”

With careful ease, I sit up, not wanting to get dizzy again. “Why did you bring me here?”

He flashes that dimpled smile and I melt under its shine. “I’ve always loved this house. When I bought it, my family thought I was insane. I guess that’s my fault. They thought I couldn’t let go of the childhood memories of my time spent here. The truth is, I’ve always thought this would be the perfect place to raise a family someday.”

“How long have you owned it?” I ask as he laces his fingers through mine.

“About eight years now. Like you, I have someone come out and maintain the pool and the yard. If you follow that path over there you’ll come across a treehouse where we had many sleepovers. And if you keep following it, there’s a creek down there, too. I haven’t done anything with the inside of the house. It’s dated, the wallpaper is probably older than me, but the house is huge and I figured one day I could gut it and redesign it with my wife.”

Noah never mentioned anything about this house or spending time in a treehouse. It’s just another reminder of how little time I actually had to get to know him. But in a way, I don’t mind the not knowing. I like being able to learn things about Sawyer I don’t have to hear secondhand.

“This place must have meant a lot to you.”

“Yeah, it did. There’s nothing but good memories here.”

“Well then, give me the grand tour.”

Sawyer spends the next hour showing me around his home. I’m blown away by the amount of land and privacy here. Even more so, how happy and relaxed he seems. Sawyer isn’t an uptight person by any means, but he seems to be in his element here.

“Why have you been living at the beach this whole time? You seem so at ease here.”

He pulls me close and plants a chaste kiss against my lips. “I love the beach house. For a guy in a band in his early twenties, it’s the place to be. The band as a whole has incredible creativity there. There’s something about the ocean that brings it out in us, I guess. This house has always been special to me, but I don’t want to live here without a family to go in it.”

“Why did you bring me here, Sawyer?” I’m dying to know the answer and absolutely petrified at the same time.

“I think you already know the answer to that, Princess. Someday, I want this to be our home. I want Nate to grow up catching crawfish in the creek and spending nights in the magical treehouse with his cousins or maybe, if I’m lucky, his brothers and sisters.”

Needing a minute, I turn away from him, step over to the side of the porch, and look out onto the backyard. Hummingbird feeders hang all around and the pretty little birds flit from one to the next, sampling the sweet nectar. His arms wrap around my waist from behind as he rests his chin on my shoulder.

“I’m not talking about our immediate future, Mel. After the last few weeks, I wanted you to understand where my head is. I’m in this for the long haul and will do whatever it takes to get there. You need time and space? I’ll give it to you, to an extent. You still want to keep things secret for a while? I’m willing to deal with that. The only thing I refuse to do anymore is hide my feelings from you.”

Turning around in his arms with tears in my eyes, I lean my head against his chest. He moves his hands to my back and rubs soothing circles. “I’ve spent the last four weeks convincing myself this is a mistake. Missing my husband more than I ever have and kicking myself for betraying his memory. The fact remains he’s gone and we’re here. As much as I know this is a bad idea, I still want to see where it goes. One day at a time. That’s all I can give you right now.”

“I’ll take that, Princess. One day at a time.” He tilts my chin up with his finger and his mouth descends upon mine. The taste of his lips is enough to make me want to wrap my legs around him and fuck him right here and now, but we really should take it slow. There’s something about Sawyer’s kisses. It’s as if each stroke of his tongue against mine steals a piece of my anxiety and replaces it with calm. Being in his arms is relaxing and there’s no place I’d rather be.