Amelia

Fifteen Months Later

Dear Belle,

I thought I had written my final letter to you, and then today I realized I’m not done talking to you yet. I feel you and Noah looking down on us and blessing us with your love every day. I’ll never understand why the two of you were taken away, but I think you both would be happy with how things turned out. At least, I hope so because nothing has been harder than living life without the two of you.

Today, Sawyer and I are getting married. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself saying those words, but I’m so incredibly happy. He’s the most amazing man, and I can’t believe I was lucky enough to be the one he fell in love with. We have two beautiful babies and a home filled with laughter and love. They say time heals all wounds, but that is a crock of BS. The place where you and Noah live in my heart will always be empty, but your children fill that void in a way that makes it hurt less.

Cadence and Nate are the best of friends and Darren is getting by. Out of all of us, he’s been affected the most. He’s trying to move on, but he’s having a hard time finding someone as special as you were. And since I’m talking to you, I can admit I think he got the shit end of the stick. Even though I lost Noah, we still had our wedding and our ‘til death do us part. It came faster than we could have ever imagined, but we still had it. I think Darren feels like he had everything he ever wanted within his grasp and let it get away. He’s become a brother to me and I love him dearly. Someday, I hope he’s lucky enough to find someone almost as amazing as you. I will always treat Cadence like my own, but it would be nice to have a mom who could fill in for you like Sawyer has done for Noah. I know that’s what you’d want for them more than anything.

In any case, I’m rambling. I just wanted you to know that even though you’re not here today, you are my honorary maid of honor. Not even Anna could fill that void, although she’s become a wonderful friend in your absence. Today, more than ever, I’m missing my sister and that is why I had to write. After having Noelle, and watching the bond Cadence and Nate have with her, it started flaring up my memories of us. We had the best of times, Belle, and I cherish every memory. I promise our kids will have those kinds of memories, too.

I’d like to think you’re proud of me because I’m finally living today like there’s no tomorrow. I hope you’ll continue watching over us and that we’re making you proud. Maybe I’ll write you again someday—perhaps on Nate and Cadence’s wedding day.

All my love,

Mel

 

Sawyer and I are getting married at our new home. The wedding is at eight tonight and we’ll be standing in the gazebo surrounded by friends and family. The property is draped with thousands upon thousands of twinkly lights; it’s beautiful.

The construction was finished about three months ago, one day before we welcomed Noelle into the world. It was the closest girl name we could find to honor Noah and Belle. Sawyer and I wanted to honor them in our daughter. She’s got my hair and Sawyer’s green eyes. Nate is in love with his little sister; Cadence can’t get enough of her, either.

I don’t remember a lot from Nate’s delivery, but I do remember the look in Sawyer’s eyes when he was born. He had the very same look when Noelle was delivered—his eyes were filled with love for our daughter. Once we were left alone to bond with the baby, I’ll never forget our discussion.

“Mel, I was wrong about something,” he said, watching our daughter nurse for the first time. It was something I never planned with Nate, but I wanted to do it with Noelle and I loved it.

“About what?” I asked, wondering what could possibly be bothering him.

“I know I said I’d love Nate more but I’m pretty sure I love them the same. They’re both amazing.” His wondrous tone made me smile.

“I have a confession as well. I thought I’d love her more but I love her the same.” Sawyer chuckled at our ridiculousness and bent over, kissing us both.

“We’re still bottle feeding, too, right? You’re going to pump as soon as you can?” That is mostly why I didn’t want to breastfeed Nate. Trying to balance pumping and milk storage on the bus would have been a nightmare and I wanted Noah to be able to feed him whenever he could.

“Absolutely, I’d never take this experience away from you. Even though I didn’t touch Nate, and I was in my own personal hell at the time, I loved watching you bond with him. I knew even then how much you loved him.”

“You look beautiful, baby girl,” Mama says as she zips up the back of my dress, pulling me from my thoughts.

“You do, Mel. Sawyer isn’t going to know what hit him,” Diane agrees while she feeds one-year-old Daisey. Diane is pregnant again, her bulging six-month belly supporting most of Daisey’s weight. This time, they are finally getting their boy and Rob is getting a vasectomy. They both agree four is more than enough to call their family complete.

“Auntie Mel!” Saylor calls out. It’s hard to believe she’s almost nine now and Emme is six.

“Yes, Ladybug, what’s wrong?”

“Can you tell Emme and Cadence I get to go first since I’m the oldest?”

“You know what, Saylor? I think I got it wrong. I’m looking at your beautiful face right now and I forgot how grown up you are. Instead of being a flower girl, how would you like to be one of my bridesmaids? You can walk down the aisle after Aunt Rory and right before me. I bet Uncle Warren would be thrilled to walk out with you on his arm. What do you say?”

Diane shoots me a beaming smile, and Saylor shrieks as she throws her arms around me. “Yes! Thank you, Auntie Mel, I promise I won’t let you down.”

“You could never let me down, Saylor, no matter what. Don’t ever worry about that, okay?”

“Okay,” she replies, still beaming.

“It’s time, you guys,” Anna says, waddling in, looking adorable as can be. She’s eight months along and having another boy. Wyatt was completely bummed, he wanted a girl, but Anna is ecstatic. She said girls aren’t her thing and although she will love any child in her life, she’s happy to be a boy mom all the way.

“Places, everyone,” Eli calls out, and they all line up at the door. “Here we are again, baby girl. How do I always end up giving my favorite girl to someone else?”

“Because you’re the best friend a girl could ever have and we’re much better as friends than we ever were as more.”

“Right as usual, Mel. Are you ready for this?”

“I’m so ready for this. He makes me a better human, Eli.”

Eli laces his arm through mine “You make him one, too. Oh, and I’m supposed to tell you there’s been a last-minute change with the wedding march. There isn’t one. Keep pace with me and you’ll be fine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Trust me, Mel, this is much better.”

I try to calm my nerves as I watch my handsome three-year-old lead the way down the aisle. He’s an adorable ring bearer and proudly takes his place next to Sawyer. Cadence goes next, followed by Emme, Anna, Rory, Saylor, and now … it’s my turn.

A beautiful guitar melody begins to play. Sawyer’s prerecorded voice carries through the night, and I follow Eli’s lead as I listen to the words.

 

It’s our time

Take your place

I can’t wait to see

Your beautiful face

White dress

Flower blooms

Pretty shoes

Walk to your groom

There’s no time for fears

Only happy tears

You are so loved, my dear

There’s no second-guessing

No will we or won’t we

Just me loving you

With you loving me, too.

So much love

Fills this place

While our kids

Watch and wait

Our vows freely spoken

The rings are exchanged

We kiss through our tears

We take our places

As Mr. and Mrs.

What a blessed day

Always remember,

Our love is timeless

Our fears were for nothing

This time we will bloom

You’re my Mrs.

I’m your groom

My true love

This song is for you

 

Holy hell. I’m a crying mess, along with most of the crowd. Even Sawyer is wiping away a tear. I can’t believe he wrote and sang a sappy, anti-rock, wedding song for me. Eli places my hand in Sawyer’s before taking his seat. Sawyer squeezes it tight before reaching up with his free hand to wipe away my tears.

“Will you sing that to me when we’re alone tonight?” I whisper, still in awe.

“Anything for you, Princess.”

Nate is standing next to Sawyer beaming proudly as he holds his ring bearer pillow. As the minister begins to speak, I notice there is a ring missing from the pillow. We weren’t going to let Nate have the actual rings but Sawyer insisted we have some faith he could handle it.

“I’m sorry, can you give us a moment?” I say to the minister and then whisper the problem into Sawyer’s ear.

His eyes flick to the pillow and back to me and he shakes his head. Then he turns to our guests. “If everyone can stay seated for a moment we’re missing a ring and need to do a little backtracking to see if we can find it.”

Sawyer walks back up the aisle and shrugs when he gets there and comes back down. “What do you want to do, Mel?”

Wyatt, Darren, J, and Anna have come closer to see if they can help. I turn toward the crowd and something catches my eye. The odds are impossible. Wyatt notices it when I do and we both practically race off the gazebo, stopping in front of Mama at the same time. She’s holding Noelle and the diaper bag is at her feet.

My trembling hands clutch Wyatt’s arm. “What are the odds, Wyatt? We’re being crazy!”

He lifts the bag into his arms and starts digging through it. “No, crazy would be if we actually find the ring in this bag. That would be crazy.”

After emptying everything into my arms and not finding the ring, we put everything back. When he turns the bag sideways, I’m reminded of Nate’s favorite pocket. “Wait, Wyatt, check that side pocket. Nate is always tucking his cars and juice in there. It’s his secret spot.”

Wyatt puts his hand inside and pulls out Sawyer’s ring. “I’ll be a son of a bitch,” he whispers as I clutch his arm with trembling hands. The memory washes over me, and I’m certain he’s remembering, too.

“Wyatt, at Mel and Sawyer’s wedding, tell them not to worry, it’s in the bag.”

A sob escapes me as Wyatt pulls me close and hugs me through my temporary lapse of mental faculties. We never told anyone about our talk, but Anna knew, and the way she’s covering her mouth next to Sawyer, she’s remembering right now, too.

“Come on, Mel, if this isn’t a sign I don’t know what is. Get married first and then tell Sawyer.” He leads me back up the steps as I wipe away my tears.

“Are you okay?” Sawyer’s concerned tone washes over me, filling me with love.

“I’m fine. In shock, but completely fine. Marry me now, I’ll explain later.”

“Deal.”

The minister begins again and Sawyer keeps my hands in his as he speaks. We decided to make this wedding as different as could be from my last one, so we’re exchanging our own vows.

“Sawyer, you may begin your vows,” the minister says, and Sawyer’s eyes meet mine.

“Amelia, it’s taken us a long time to get where we are today. You are the only woman I’ve ever met who has challenged me, and you continue to do so each day. It’s one of my favorite things about you. The past four years have been full of ups and downs but through it all, getting to know you and love you has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. We are blessed with two beautiful children, a wonderful home, an amazing family, and two guardian angels who watch over us and keep us safe. You’ve always been my Princess but today you become my Queen. I’m going to love, honor, cherish, and worship you, all the rest of my days. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“I will,” I say as he slides my rings onto my trembling finger.

“Amelia, you may now begin your vows to Sawyer,” the minister says, and I keep my eyes locked on Sawyer’s.

“Sawyer, you fell in love with a paranoid mess.” He grins at me, giving me the courage to keep going.

“You say I challenge you, but you are the one who continuously challenges me. You’re constantly encouraging me to step outside my comfort zone to find the woman inside I’m meant to be. You taught me how to be a mother and how to love with reckless abandon. You gave me the strength to move on after the darkest days of my life. You covered me in a love so strong and secure I found my way out of the darkness and into the light once again. Every time I think I have you figured out, you surprise me in all the best ways. Life with you is never boring and never predictable. Even greater than your love for me is your love for our children. Your love and patience for them has no bounds. You are the best father, partner, and friend I could imagine. There’s no one I’d rather be secret-keepers with than you. I promise I will love and honor you all the rest of my days. But I will also continue to challenge you to the best of my ability, be your best friend, your favorite secret-keeper, and no matter what you call me, I will forever be your Princess. Would you do me the absolute honor of becoming my husband?”

“I will,” he says solemnly as I slide his ring onto his finger.

The sight of a wedding ring on Sawyer Weston’s finger does something to me. He was always the beast who could never be tamed. That’s what Belle used to say. It’s not true at all. He’s a man who wanted someone to love him in spite of his reputation, and I’m the lucky one who gets that honor.

As the minister speaks, I allow myself to get lost in Sawyer’s eyes. I completely tuned out the rest of the ceremony but as Sawyer’s mouth closes over mine, I don’t worry about it. This is the best part anyway.

Once we receive hugs and congratulations, Sawyer pulls me into the house. Oddly enough, he parks us right in front of our photo wall. I let Sawyer choose which photos to put here and he surprised me by putting up quite a few of me and Noah. He said I was right and Nate needed to feel his parents’ love. All of his parents. He also hung up that photo of the three of us right in the center of the wall.

“What happened out there, Mel? Before the ceremony?”

How do I even explain this to him?

“Come on, Sawyer, there’s something you need to know,” I say, pulling him into our living room and sitting next to him on the couch.

I fill him in on the night Wyatt came over and all that he told me. I never wanted to tell Sawyer this because I felt like this secret should be kept. I should know better, though. Secrets have a way of coming out and I can’t expect him to share secrets with me if I don’t with him.

“Are you telling me Noah predicted our future?”

“I don’t know, babe, all I know is he was right. Maybe it was a fluke, or maybe it was fate and Noah got a flash forward before he died.”

Sawyer leans back against the sofa and exhales. “Wow.”

“I’m sorry I freaked out back there. I wasn’t sure how to process something like that and since I hadn’t told you about it, I felt even worse.”

“It’s okay, Mel. Technically, this was Wyatt’s secret. God knows me and Darren kept a ton of them from him and Noah. I’m not angry with you, but I do feel like somehow Noah just gave us his blessing … for real.”

“Me, too.”

“Here you two are. I wanted to give you something and was hoping to catch you in private,” Sam says as he walks in carrying a wedding present.

“Hey, Sam. Sorry, we had something to talk about but we’re all set now. You want us to open your present now?” I ask.

“If you wouldn’t mind.”

Sawyer looks at me and motions for me to do the honors. I open the box and fold back the paper to a hardback book—my new book that’s supposed to be coming out next month. Bastards and Dangerous, The Story of Us, by Amelia Weston.

I flip open to the first page and run my fingers over it as I read it... In my mind, this is the most important page in the book.

 

For Noah,

As promised, this book is for you.

Thank you for teaching me to breathe.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

Thank you for making me to believe in fate.

Thank you for leaving me with a piece of you. He reminds me daily all the ways in which loving you, and being loved by you, have blessed my life.

Most of all, thank you for saying it was okay.

We’re trying to be okay together each day, because of you.

You’re the angel who showed two beautifully flawed people that it’s necessary to love and accept love in return.

You are our heart and soul and we miss you every day.

 

I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. “Maybe we shouldn’t publish this. Maybe it’s just supposed to be our story,” I sob, and Sawyer wraps his arms around me.

“It’s your call, Mel, I’ll do whatever you want. How about I leave you two to talk it over?” Sam says, kissing the top of my head as I continue to cry into Sawyer.

“Is that what you want, Princess? I’m with you all the way. We’ve gone around and around. It’s our story as much as it is yours. I thought you decided it was worth it since the proceeds are going to charity.”

Everything is right with the world when I’m wrapped in Sawyer’s arms. “It is. God, I’m being so ridiculous today. I feel them here with us, is that crazy?”

“No, I feel them, too, and I’m glad for it. They should be here, Mel. This is a happy day and they would be happy for us.”

“You’re right, and the book looks beautiful, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” he says, standing and helping me to my feet. “Come dance with me, Mrs. Weston. Let’s eat cake and spend the night under the stars with our family. What do you say?”

“Lead the way, Mr. Weston. The sooner we say goodnight, the sooner you can whisk me off for our honeymoon, where we can work on baby number three.”

He pulls me against him and slides my hand down to his cock. “You always know the right things to say to get me excited.”

“Well, I am your wife, it only makes sense I know best.”

“Fuck,” he groans as his erection becomes even harder. “Say it again, Mel.”

“I’m your wife … Mrs. Sawyer Weston.”

“Come on,” he says, pulling me quickly toward the door. “We need to wrap up this party so I can have my way with you again, and again, for the rest of my life.”

“Who is teasing who with a good time now?”

He pulls me close and brings his lips to mine. “I am. Always and forever, Amelia.”