Everything Has Changed

As we all walk into the house, I don’t know what to do. I feel Noah everywhere and just stand in the foyer like a lost puppy.

“Come on, Mel, why don’t I help you get settled in bed. You need your rest.” Eli’s kind words wash over me as I follow behind him. When we reach my room, it’s just as we left it after the Fourth of July, and it’s suddenly too much.

Noah’s shirt is tossed haphazardly onto the bed. Without thinking, I lift it to my face and inhale his scent. As I collapse onto the bed, I burst into tears once again.

Eli pulls me into his embrace. “Let it all out, baby girl. I’m here for you for as long as you need.”

My eyes dart around the room, taking in all our memories. Noah had so many of our photos framed and put on the wall, the dressers, and the bedside table. Everything about this room screams “us.” But “us” is no longer a thing.

“I don’t want to be here, Eli. Why didn’t I die, too?” I sob, clutching onto his shirt.

“It wasn’t your time, Mel. If you had died, Nate would have, too. He’s the reward of your love. Someday, when you’ve gotten past your grief, you’re going to be thankful beyond words to have him with you.”

“I love him, but I’ll ruin him. I don’t know how to be his mom.”

Eli brushes my tears away. “The same way you loved Noah … with your whole heart. You’ll learn the rest as you go, and I’m here as long as you need me.”

“Thanks, Eli, but I think I need some time alone. Can you make sure someone is taking care of the baby, please?”

“Sure thing. I’ll check back in a little bit. Try and rest.”

He closes the door behind him and I walk to the dresser and pick up a framed wedding photo. Noah’s eyes were dancing with happiness and mine were filled with love. We were blinded by it and I’d never been happier. There’s a package next to it, and my stomach plummets as soon as I see the return address.

Taking the box with trembling hands, I sit on the edge of the bed. When I finally manage to get it open and pull out the album inside, my body slides to the floor. Noah and I were so excited about our maternity photo shoot. We haven’t seen these yet, not even online proofs—the photographer was old school and preferred the element of surprise. I’ve only turned one page in the album, but the guttural wails falling from my lips are far louder than my previous sobs.

Within seconds, Sawyer is at my side. When he sees what I’m looking at, he drops to the floor next to me.

“Noah would have loved these.”

His words hit straight to my heart. “Why is this happening, Sawyer? Why did we lose them? I’m so lost over Noah I haven’t even begun to process losing Belle. And these pictures are everything we dreamed of but now they’re literally just memories.”

He rubs his eyes with his hands like I’ve seen him do so many times over the past few days. “I don’t know, Mel. I don’t have any answers for you. I thought after what I went through as a kid I’d been through a lifetime of heartache. But this … it hurts so much more.”

The two of us sit, drowning in our tears and grief as I numbly thumb through the pages of this album. They’re everything Noah and I wished for when we had them taken. More than anything, I wish we could go back to that day. I want to be in the moment again where Noah is kneeling in front of me, kissing my belly, while he looks up at me adoringly. Nate’s name was carved in the sand in front of us. It took Noah over an hour before he considered it photo-worthy. I just want to hear Noah tell us how much he loves us, one more time …

“Sawyer,” I say through my sniffles, “I know this is the worst timing, but was anything recovered from the bus?”

“You’re worried about things?” he snaps.

His reaction makes me feel awful. “No, well … not exactly. Our wedding album was on the bus. It’s irreplaceable. And Noah’s guitar, and my camera and laptop with all the pictures I’d yet to upload. They’re my last memories, Sawyer. Our last memories.”

I’d gotten so many more brother shots the last few days we were on the road and I can’t remember if I uploaded them to my computer and backed them up to the cloud or not. But my wedding photos … I can’t lose those, too.

“I’m sorry, Mel, I honestly don’t know. I’ll find out for you, though. I promise.”

J peeks his head inside the room, and my heart sinks. He’s got huge black bags under his eyes and is incredibly pale. Noah was so excited for me to get to know Jordan better and I feel terrible we didn’t get the chance before.

“How are you feeling, Mel?” he asks timidly, still lingering in the doorway.

“Probably no better than you but with some physical pain thrown in. How are you doing?”

With a shrug, he walks in and sits on the edge of the bed above us and looks down at the album in my hand. “I’m fucking numb. This kind of shit shouldn’t happen to people more than once in a lifetime, especially to people like Noah.”

“Amen to that, brother,” Sawyer says as J looks over our shoulders at the photos.

“I’m going to miss his happiness so much. I hope Nate gets that from Noah most of all. No offense, Mel.”

“None taken, J. I hope everything Nate becomes all comes from Noah.” My answer quiets them, but it’s the truth.

“Mom sent me in here because Diane and Rob just got here with the girls and some food. She’s insistent both of you come to the table. Mel, Mom said you have to eat at least a few bites to take your meds and keep up your strength.”

“Let’s get this over with,” Sawyer says as he stands and helps me off the floor.

“Go ahead without me. I’ll be there soon. I need to use the restroom first.”

I never realized how many muscles sitting, standing, and wiping involve just to take a fucking piss. When I’m done in the restroom, I take a look in the mirror. Aside from the cuts and bruises, Karen isn’t the only one who looks like she’s aged. I have, too.

As I step out in the hall, I’m pulled to the nursery. This room was supposed to be the happiest place in the house. What I didn’t expect to see was Nate fast asleep in his crib. I cover my mouth to hold back my cries and watch him, wishing I could hold him and knowing I can’t.

“You won’t break him, I promise.” Diane’s tender words meet my ears as the tears escape my eyes.

“I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about that,” I whisper.

“Oh, Mel, I felt the same way with Saylor, but I promise it will get better. You’ll see. You just need some snuggle time.” She takes in my horrified expression and frowns. “You’re the best thing for him,” she states firmly.

“I got his dad and his aunt killed. I’m cursed, Diane, and the farther Nate stays away from me the better.”

Within seconds, her arms are wrapped around me, her own tears falling against my cheeks. “There is no one in this world who could have loved my brother more than you did. Or Belle. Amelia, trust me … this baby will be the best part of your life, but you can’t shut him out. If not for you, and if not for him, do it for Noah.”

“He’ll suffer for it in the long run.”

She places a kiss on the side of my head “No, Mel, you will. The only way Nate will suffer is without his mother’s love.”

I want to believe what she’s saying. “I love him enough not to hurt him like that. I’m bad luck, Diane.”

“Then so are we. Look at our tragic history. If you consider this bad luck, you have to account for ours as well. It’s not luck at all, Mel, it’s fate. And yours is to be the best mother you can be to Noah’s son. For whatever reason, this is the way things are supposed to be. Don’t waste a second being fearful because time waits for no one.”

She releases me and walks toward the door. With a reluctant glance over her shoulder, she leaves me alone. As I look down upon Nate, I wish with all my heart things were different. His life was supposed to be so much better than this. Leaving him to sleep, I notice the baby monitor is on. At least someone is taking good care of him.

Feeling lost, I wander back into my room, forgetting why I got up in the first place. I sit down on the bed as Saylor appears at the door, the sadness on her face plain as day.

“Auntie Mel?” she asks cautiously. My appearance probably scares her.

“Hey, Ladybug.”

She walks over to me and looks me over with her sad eyes, running her fingers across my cast.

“You’re one big ouchie. Can I kiss you and make you better?”

The goodness in her reminds me so much of Noah. “You can try, but I’ve got a lot of owies and they might take a while to heal, even with all the kisses in the world.”

She climbs up next to me on the bed, leans over, and kisses my cheek. “My mommy says Uncle Noah and Belle are in heaven now. I’m going to miss them, but I’m glad they’re not there alone.”

She’s such a precocious child, but it’s nice to talk to someone who isn’t hovering over me.

“I’m going to miss them, too, sweetie.”

She looks up at me with sad eyes, and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to hug her, so I do. Briefly. “Auntie Mel, Uncle Noah was the only one who called me Ladybug. Can you … still call me that? I don’t want to ever forget him.”

“We won’t let you forget him, Saylor, I promise. But if you want me to keep calling you Ladybug, I will.”

“Thank you. Grandma says you’re supposed to come with me to eat dinner.” With the determination of a grownup, she holds my good hand and tugs until I stand, leading me into the kitchen, never once letting me go.

Standing in this room, in the middle of everyone who was so near and dear to Noah and me, I’m at a loss. I feel their sadness, but I’m convinced the only ones who understand what I’m feeling are Sawyer and Darren. It makes me a judgy bitch because I know their loss is equally profound, but I can’t find it inside of me to accept their pain is as large as mine.

Karen leads me to the table and sets a plate in front of me. “Karen, I …”

“Even a few bites, Mel. Just enough so you can take your medicine,” she says, already knowing what I’m going to say. That’s a mother’s job, though, right? Belle would have been an amazing one. She would have helped me find my way and would be giving me so much shit right now for not hugging Nate and keeping him close. I just … can’t.

Everyone is here. Eli is sitting with Rory, but his eyes are locked on mine. He was there when my mom died—he knows how bad it got—and he’s worried because this is so much worse. Mama pulls up the chair next to me and lightly squeezes my thigh under the table. Marcus is right behind her with his hand on her shoulder. He’s her rock; I’m comforted knowing she has someone who can take care of her when I can’t.

Wyatt, Anna, Sawyer, Darren, J, Warren and Sam are all around the bar, and right next to Sawyer is Nate’s baby monitor. Knowing Sawyer is so willingly stepping in when I can’t–when Noah can’t—reminds me of a conversation Noah and I had a few days after the wedding.

“Hey, Mel,” Noah said as he stroked my arm while spooning me from behind. We’d just finished making love and I was beyond relaxed in his arms.

“Hmm …” I murmured, and he chuckled.

“Look, I know it’s not the best time for this talk, but I think it’s important after the Sara stuff. If something were to happen to us, who would you want to raise Nate?”

The seriousness of his tone made the hair stand up on my arms. I turned to face him. “I know you’re a planner, but don’t you think this is a bit much, Noah?”

His expression was pained just for a second before he flashed me a brilliant smile. “Humor me. I like to be prepared, and this is one of the most important preparations we can make.”

“Alright, I guess if it were up to me I’d say Belle. She’s the only person I know who would automatically fight for him if something went wrong. What about you?”

His green eyes met mine and his expression softened “Sawyer. There’s not a soul on earth I would trust more.”

Sawyer with a baby? I could understand his choice but still thought Belle would be more … responsible. “Maybe they could share? I think Belle would be more structured, especially with Cadence.”

“Yeah, maybe they could. Although, I think some responsibility would be just what Sawyer needs to put his head on straight.”

Wrapping my hand behind Noah’s head, I pulled his lips to mine. “It’s a good thing we won’t ever have to find out. You promised me a minimum of fifty years, Mr. Weston, and I expect to cash in each one of them.”

“Good, because I don’t ever make a promise I don’t intend to keep and my vows are the most important promise I’ve ever made. I love you, Mel.”

As I blink back my tears, my attention goes back to the baby monitor. Noah was spot on; I hate the fact I’m here to know that.

After eating a few tasteless bites, I push my plate away. Karen places my pills in front of me, which I take eagerly. All I want to do is go to sleep and dream of happier times. Mama helps me get ready for bed and after she hugs me goodnight, I reach out for her.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save her.” Unable to hold back the floodgate of tears that opens once again, she pulls me back into her embrace while she cries tears of her own.

“Oh, baby girl, it wasn’t up to you to save her. That was up to God. Belle was my world and I’m struggling to accept this. The only consolation I have is the rest of you survived. Those babies were meant to carry on their parents’ legacies. God gave us a part of them in these children, and I’m going to cherish every moment I have with them. Belle wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. Hell, that girl would want you to throw a party honoring her life, not mourn her.”

“Yeah, well, Belle didn’t always have the most realistic expectations. I’m going to miss her, miss them, for the rest of my life.” My sadness is overshadowed by my sleepiness as I release a yawn.

“Get some rest, Mel. I’ll close the door behind me. We’ll get each other through this, I promise.”

After she leaves, I turn on the baby monitor next to my bed. Noah had to have the best of the best so he picked a monitor where there’s basically a miniature video on each handheld portion. I think there are three, if I remember correctly. I have one, Sawyer has one, and Karen probably has the other. My eyes flutter closed as I watch Nate sleeping peacefully on the monitor.

“Mel, you have to wake up!” Hands are on my shoulders and my eyes snap open.

“Jesus, Eli, you scared me!” My heart is racing, my body drenched in sweat. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s my night to take care of you.” He points to the big cushy chair in the corner, where his pillow and blanket lie.

“I’m okay. I don’t need a babysitter,” I grumble.

“From that nightmare you were having, I’d beg to differ.” He takes a seat next to me and hands me a cup of water from the nightstand.

“I was dreaming about the accident.”

“Yeah, I could tell. Are you still seeing your therapist?” he asks hesitantly.

“No, it’s been years.”

“If things don’t get better soon, you might want to start again. Look, I can’t pretend to even understand what you’re going through. But I do know what you went through when Iris died. This is … it’s worse than that.”

“I’ll be fine, eventually … but I appreciate your concern,” I reply as I hand him the cup.

“Will you, though? Be fine? Because I’d be a fucking mess. Hell, I am a fucking mess and this doesn’t affect me nearly as much as it affects you. There’s no shame in needing or asking for help, Mel.”

“I’m not helpless, Eli! I’m lost, sad, terrified, broken, angry, and so fucking alone.” I collapse onto my pillow and let the tears come again.

He leans down and kisses the top of my head before standing. “The last thing you are is alone, and I never said you were helpless. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, which is probably why you and Nate are still here with us. But even the strong need help. When we’re broken and weary and the fight goes away from us, that’s when our friends and families pick us up and carry us until we’re ready to pave our own way again. Let us carry you, Mel, until you’re strong enough to do it yourself. Let us be your family.”

Eli takes his place in the chair again and curls up with the blanket. I do need their strength to carry me through. But without Noah’s love, it all seems pointless. What could possibly be better on the other side of this grief without Noah and Belle?