Waiting

Sawyer

For the last hour, Wyatt and I have been pacing around Mel’s room. She’s completely out of it, but it makes us feel better to be with her and Nate. I’ve felt sick to my stomach all night and I hate that Noah is still in surgery. All I could think of while I was feeding Nate was how Noah was missing his first bottle. One thing I knew for sure is Mel wasn’t going to breastfeed, so at least I didn’t have that guilt plaguing my subconscious.

There’s a soft knock at the door and Nurse Reynolds peeks her head in. “The doctors will meet you in the waiting room in a few minutes. I’ll take the baby to the nursery until you come back. Amelia will probably sleep through the night, so we can take care of him while you rest.”

“No, I’ll take care of Nate, but thank you for the offer. I’ll come get him when we’re done.”

Wyatt and I exchange sad glances and walk to the waiting room. Within seconds, two doctors sit with us and I know right away it’s not good news. They have shitty poker faces.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” I manage to choke out.

“Yes, Mr. Weston, I’m afraid it is. Noah suffered severe blunt force trauma to his head.”

Wyatt interrupts, “Yeah but he’ll be okay … right?”

“No, I’m sorry, he won’t be. There’s no easy way to say this … Noah is on life support but he has no brain activity.”

No …

No …

No … this isn’t happening.

“Wait … what exactly are you saying? How is that possible? He was just talking to us and holding his son.” Wyatt clutches my shoulder as tears begin streaming down my cheeks.

“Mr. Weston, Noah was alert and oriented at the scene. His pupils were equal and reactive, he was completely coherent and responding properly. He complained of a minor headache but showed no signs of distress. His Glasgow Coma Scale was a fifteen, which is the best score you can get. His heart rate was elevated but nothing abnormal, considering the circumstances.”

The doctor sighs and meets my eyes. “Noah’s brain injury was what we call catastrophic. After impact, he went into what is called a lucid interval. Sometimes these intervals last only minutes, other times, hours. It’s why we needed to get him scanned immediately upon arrival. With his extensive injuries he was fortunate to make it to the hospital, let alone talk to his wife and hold his child. Many would say it’s a medical miracle.”

He’s not saying what I think he’s saying. This isn’t happening. Not to Noah. Please, God, not to Noah.

With a sympathetic gaze, he continues, “At this time, Noah is being kept alive by artificial respirations made by the life support. Once we remove those respirations, he will pass away. Noah developed an epidural hematoma when he struck his head. The bleeding inside his skull was severe enough to cause his brain to shift and herniate, which has left him with no neurological activity.”

My body breaks out in a cold sweat. I hear his words, understand them, but they’re not breaking through.

“He’s brain dead? Noah is brain dead?!” Wyatt exclaims, clamping down tighter on my shoulders.

“Yes, I’m afraid he is. I’m sorry for your loss. I know this is difficult to hear, but we’ll monitor him over the next twelve hours. We’ll check his neurological functions in six-hour increments. While there is no hope for recovery, it’s hospital protocol and required by law. Do you know if your brother has an advanced directive, or someone assigned to be his medical power of attorney? We need to know his wishes. Otherwise, his wife will have to make them for him. In her condition, I’d prefer to not put more stress on her if possible.”

Brain dead.

Noah’s brain dead.

My brother is dead.

The buzzing in my ears tries to swallow me alive but I push past it. Breaking down now isn’t an option—I have to be strong. I’m the only one who can be.

“I’m not sure. Noah was a planner. Our attorney would have all that information, but … I know for sure Noah wants to be an organ donor.” Those are words I never thought I’d have to say.

“If you could get hold of him in the morning, that would be best. In the meantime, you’re welcome to spend as much time with your brother as you and your family need. Mr. Weston, we’re very sorry for your loss.” The regret in his eyes is sincere, his tone nothing but compassionate. “As far as organ donation, we aren’t technically supposed to bring it up until he’s been officially declared brain dead, which will come after twelve hours. At that time, we’ll have a representative from the Organ Procurement Network come and talk to you and your family about the process and how it works.”

My resolve not to break goes out the window with his words. This is real and Noah isn’t coming back to me … ever. All his dreams and wishes … gone. Four kids lost their parents tonight, three people lost their spouses, two sets of parents lost their children—we should have never done this final tour.

I barely realize the doctors are leaving as Wyatt and I hold one another, sobbing. Fucking hell. How am I going to tell Mel? My parents … I don’t think I can handle that feral cry from my mom twice in one lifetime.

“What happened?” Warren cries out as he walks into the room with everyone else behind him. Wyatt and I pull apart and take them in. The vacant look in Darren’s eyes says more than words ever could. But that’s not the worst part. They’re barely five steps into the room when my entire family and Veronica rush in behind them.

“Sawyer, what’s happened?” my mom asks, clutching my dad tightly. Jordan, Diane, Rob, and Rory are all lined up with them.

“Sit down, guys. We need to talk.” My voice sounds foreign; I don’t even know where the will to speak is coming from. I’m doing everything I can to not let what the doctor said permeate into my psyche because when it does sink in, the reality of losing Noah may actually kill me.

They stumble to their seats and Wyatt and I do our best to relay the events of the night and what the doctor said. If I thought my mom’s grief at Jordan’s house was bad, I was wrong. This is a million times worse. I just broke all their hearts in one fell swoop, and the collective sounds of their grief is almost as painful as knowing I have to say goodbye to Noah. Darren is sitting on the floor against the wall, knees curled up to his chest, sobbing.

I wish I were with him.

“Where’s my baby girl?” Veronica manages to choke out.

“Didn’t you guys—”

“Mel is my baby girl just as much as Belle is … was …” she trails off, crying. “I need to see my Mel and her son.”

My mom stands up and clutches Veronica. “I’d like to see Mel and Nate as well, then someone needs to take me to see my son.” She sobs in agony, but she and Veronica hold each other tight. While my family and friends grieve and try to console one another, Cadence sleeps the night away in her carrier. I’ve never been happier to see her safe and sound.

As I lead Mom and Veronica to Mel’s room, I can’t stop the tears from falling. Wiping them away is pointless because they’re relentless. “She doesn’t know,” I say, pausing outside her door, “and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her.”

“The only way out is through, Sawyer. We’ll tell her together as a family. She’s going to need us all more than ever right now.” My mom is walking through the depths of hell but her family is still her focus.

After we enter Mel’s room, Nurse Reynolds brings Nate in. “I thought you might like him with you,” she says softly as she passes him to me.

“Thank you,” I reply, and she leaves us to grieve. Looking down at him now has a whole different meaning than it did an hour ago. My nephew is officially fatherless. I’m officially brotherless.

Twinless.

Noah and I have always been connected. I don’t know who I am without him. We came in as a pair; I never imagined us going out any differently. I’m nothing without Noah.

Mom reaches over and takes Nate from me. “He’s the spitting image of Noah,” she says through a broken smile.

“Does she know about Belle?” Veronica asks as she sits by Mel’s bedside.

“She suspected, but I’m not sure how much she’ll remember. She’s pretty banged up and was in an excessive amount of pain. I still don’t know how she delivered him in that much agony.”

“She had an angel looking out for her. My Belle.” She turns her attention back to Mel. “Baby girl, I’m so glad you’re still here with us. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you, too.”

My mom leans over and kisses Mel on the cheek before passing Nate to Veronica. “I’m going to go see Noah.”

She flees the room so quickly I don’t know what to do, but I’m compelled to stay and listen when Veronica begins speaking.

“Tonight will always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. Someday, as our sadness lessens, we’ll put the happiness ahead of the pain. Nathaniel, you are the bright light in our darkest day. You and your mama were saved for a reason. God knows what He’s doing even if we don’t understand. Happy birthday, little man. Welcome to the world.”

It’s through her words I’m reminded even more of Noah’s belief in fate. As Veronica cries over her losses, she’s also rejoicing over new life and the fact Mel was spared. If I know anything about Mel, she’s going to wish she wasn’t. We’re more alike than we are different, especially now that we’re the siblings left behind.

Exiting the room quietly, I give Veronica some privacy. As my body finds purchase against the wall, my legs give out and I sink to the ground. Burying my head in my hands, I’m sure my cries can be heard throughout the building, but I don’t care—my pain is all-consuming and it’s demanding to be set free.

Within minutes, Darren is sitting next to me, both of us lost in our grief. Eventually, Veronica comes out of Mel’s room with Nate. Darren, seeing Nate for the first time, stands and reaches his arms out to hold him.

“He looks like Noah, look at all that hair. Belle would be so pissed she missed this. Life is so fucking unfair.”

This baby is like a healing balm when you hold him. Your sadness lessens because you want everything to be okay for him. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I pull up the photos I got of Noah when he got to hold Nate.

“This is all he’s ever going to have of his dad,” I tell them sadly.

Veronica gasps and holds my wrist. “And it will be the most precious gift he will ever receive. You need to forward those photos to your email or back them up to the cloud so you’ll always have them. I know Mel will be grateful for them. I’m going to the chapel. I need some time to try and get right with God.”

After she leaves, Darren and I move back into Mel’s room. No one else has been by yet. I’m sure they’re all keeping vigil over Noah. As much as I want to see him, I can’t when they’re all in there.

“She looks peaceful. How bad are her injuries?” Darren asks wearily as he takes a seat next to her bedside.

“Nowhere near as bad as they could have been. They said Nate shouldn’t have made it. You saw that bus … no one should have made it out. She’s got cuts, bruises, sprains and strains, a broken wrist, and three broken bones in her back. She’ll need help and be in pain for a while, but she’s alive.”

“That’s what Belle would have wanted. I just wish she’d made it out, too. Her and Noah. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her, what Cadence is going to do without her mom. What any of us are going to do without Noah.” He’s trying to hold back his sobs since he’s holding Nate, but it’s useless.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Darren … for everything.”

His shattered gaze meets mine. “It wasn’t your fault, Sawyer. I know this is how you compartmentalize shit, but knock it off. We all lost tonight. My losses don’t outweigh yours or hers … it’s all just fucked up. Cadence and Nate are the biggest losers in all of this..”

“Noah …” Mel calls out softly in her sleep. My heart can’t handle breaking hers.

There’s a soft rap at the door and Warren enters with a wide-awake Cadence. She’s excited to see Darren, and he forces a smile for her. “Hey, baby girl,” he says, standing and holding up Nate. “It’s your new buddy. Say hi to Nate.”

Warren brings Cadence close to Nate and she grabs his tiny hand in hers. It’s almost like she’s letting him know she’s got him. She’s very much like Belle in that respect already. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll be like Belle and Noah, even though they’re not here to guide them. Nature versus nurture and all that shit.

Darren and Warren swap babies and Warren chokes on a muffled cry as he holds Nate. Darren clutches Cadence to him like a life preserver; it’s the first time he’s held her since losing Belle. Taking a seat next to Mel, Warren looks back and forth between her and her son.

“It’s a miracle they made it out of the bus. The police said off the record it looks to be a high-speed collision, no surprise there. What they don’t know is what caused it … drugs, alcohol, mechanical failure or something else. We have to wait until they complete the investigation for an official determination. Regardless, no one should have made it out of that bus alive.”

Listening to Warren talk about the accident pisses me off. It should have never fucking happened. “I need to see Noah now.” I tell them before storming out of the room. When I make it to Noah’s room I pause outside the door. I don’t want to be an ass to anyone, but I need a few minutes with him.

When I walk inside, I’m surprised to see only my dad. When his eyes meet mine, I recognize the brokenness in them—they look how I feel inside. Wordlessly, he comes to me and pulls me into his arms.

“I love you, Sawyer. I don’t know if I say it often enough, but I hope you know it with all your heart.” He’s sobbing and clutching onto me as if his life depends on it.

“I love you, too, Dad. We’ve never wondered about your love for us. Neither of us, not once.” He straightens a little in my arms as if those words lifted him up somehow. “Would you mind if I had a little time with him alone?”

With a kiss to the top of my head, he releases me. “Somehow we’ll figure out a way to get you through this. I promise. You and Amelia both.”

After my dad closes the door behind him, I take a deep breath. Seeing Noah like this hurts me in a way I’ve never felt. I’m shattering somewhere deep inside and I don’t think whatever is breaking will ever recover.

His head is wrapped in a large bandage, and he has a tube breathing for him. He’s pale…I’ve never seen Noah before without color in his cheeks, he’s always been bigger than life. There are so many monitors—you’d think this was in an effort to save him, not to determine we need to let him go.

Pulling the chair as close to him as I can, I take Noah’s hand in mine and lay my head against his thigh. His hand is warm but never once does he move. I wish I could pretend he’s sleeping, but I know it’s not the case.

“Fuck, Noah, I’m so fucking angry right now.” My chest heaves as I gasp for air. “This isn’t how our lives were supposed to end up. In the last six months, every happiness you ever wanted was handed to you on a silver fucking platter. You and Mel were supposed to make all these gorgeous babies and I was supposed to find a girl as good as her and make some of my own.”

I’m hysterical and don’t even bother wiping away my tears. “Warren says the truck driver was speeding. You, Harold, and Belle better be kicking his ass hard up there. Are you there, though? Wherever there is? Because you’re still here with me right now and I’d give anything, Noah, anything at all to have you back.

“They said you were a medical miracle and you should have never made it off the bus. You had to have been in way more pain than you were letting on. Why didn’t you say anything?” I wish he would answer me. My chest hurts from crying and my throat is raw, but I have to talk to him while there’s still time. “I did what you asked and stayed with Mel, but we should have had more words, Noah. If I’d known it was the last time we’d ever talk, I would have said so much more. You’re my best friend and the most amazing brother. I wish a brain was like a kidney and I could give you mine … you deserve to be here so much more than I do. Mel deserves her husband and Nate deserves a father.”

I’m trying to breathe through my sobs but it’s no use; this will never be okay. I don’t want to let him go.

“Sawyer …” I hadn’t heard Anna walk in. She leans over me and wraps her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Sawyer.” Wrapped in Anna’s arms, I allow myself a few moments to grieve. I’m not only crying for me, I’m crying for Noah, too. I don’t care how much he believes in fate, he would have never been on board for this shit.

After a few moments, she crouches down next to me and turns my face toward hers. Anna has seen me at many stages of vulnerable before but she’s never seen me shattered.

“What can I do for you, Sawyer?” she asks as her own tears stream down her cheeks. Her hand covers the back side of Noah’s and her fingers grip mine, too, since I’m still holding him tight.

“Rewind time and have it be me.”

Shock mars her beautiful features as her tears fall harder and faster. “Don’t say that, Sawyer. We’d be just as lost without you as we’re going to be without Noah.”

“He’s got a wife and a kid, Bethie. I’d give myself a million times over for him to be here with them.”

She exhales softly as her determined eyes meet mine. “This is the most fucked-up situation we’ve ever been in, but this was fate.”

She sees the anger flare in my eyes and holds up her free hand. “Hear me out. It doesn’t matter what we think, Noah believes in fate. He’s talked about it since we were kids. His belief was the core of who he was, and for us to discredit that now isn’t fair to the way he lived his life. There’s not a doubt in my mind Noah would have called it fate to justify losing Belle. There’s nothing we can do but say goodbye, honor him and his legacy, and take care of Mel and Nate for as long as they need us.”

Anna has always been a straight shooter; it’s why we’re such good friends. She’s never been one to bullshit or sugar-coat anything. I might hate what she’s saying, but I also know she’s completely right. Noah would call this fate no matter how bad it sucks ass.

“You’re right, Bethie, but I don’t know how to let him go. I don’t know who I am without him. I’ll never be whole again.”

She sighs and takes a seat on the edge of Noah’s bed. I sit up and meet her gaze. “Gradually, Sawyer. We all take it gradually. First, we say goodbye, then we let him go because … he’s already gone, Sawyer. Then we take a pause and say a prayer for all the people he’s going to save. Noah’s last heroic act is to save lives. As we move from one day to the next we make sure Mel and Darren do, too. One day at a time.”

“Okay, Bethie, gradually. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.”

She swallows and nods. “Good. Other people would like to come in before Mel wakes up. Do you think you can handle that?”

If I had my choice I wouldn’t leave this room until after Noah is gone, but I can’t be that selfish.

“No, but I’ll try.”

There’s a soft knock at the door and my sisters and Rob poke their heads in. Their sadness is overwhelming. Right now, everything is just so fucking overwhelming. I need air. Diane hugs me as Rory sits next to Noah and cries. “Has anyone called Eli?” I ask, knowing Mel could use her friend.

“He’s on his way,” Rory answers.

Anna and I leave the room. I take a deep breath as she rubs my back. “Have you seen Nate yet?” I ask, and she shakes her head. “Alright, let’s go see him because he helps ease the pain.”

Anna follows me down the hall to Mel’s room and I’m surprised to see my mom at her bedside, clutching her hand. Nate is sleeping in the bassinette next to the bed and I scoop him out and into my arms. This little guy is the only reason I’m still standing right now. I’ll never break my promise to Noah; I’ll watch over him and Mel until my dying breath if they need me to.

“He’s Noah’s mini-me,” Anna says softly.

“Isn’t he?” my mom replies with a sad smile. “He’s the only thing keeping me from losing my mind right now. Knowing Noah was able to leave part of himself with us …” She doesn’t finish her thought, but we get it. I wonder if we all feel the same. I wonder if Mel will. She was so hesitant to have a child in the first place, I’m terrified for what is going to come next without Noah and Belle being here for her. I honestly don’t know if Nate will be enough to keep her going, but I hope he is. For all our sakes.

“Has she woken up at all?” I ask, passing Nate to Anna.

“She’s beginning to stir and has been calling out for Belle,” Mom answers.

The oppressive sadness hanging in the air between us is ridiculous. As much as I don’t ever want to leave this hospital, I can’t wait to get out of here.

“I’m afraid for her, Mom.”

She looks up at me with broken eyes. “Me too, Sawyer. But it’s up to us to get her through this, no matter how hard it is for us. It’s what Noah would want.”

Leaning down, I kiss her head and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “I love you, Mom, so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”

When she hears my words, she stills and stands, nailing me with her angry mom gaze. “Sawyer Weston, this is not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for this. The doctor says he was beyond saving. I’m so thankful I didn’t lose both of you tonight. I don’t know why you weren’t on your bus, but I’m so happy you weren’t.”

Perspective–it’s an odd thing. I wish I had been on the bus, I wish Belle had been saved, but I never once thought what it would do to my parents and sisters if they’d lost us both. This is too much to deal with right now. I should find J and get one of his anxiety pills.

“Belle … Noah … please answer me.” Mel is calling out in her sleep, and my heart takes a dive into my stomach. She’s not dreaming, she’s remembering. Taking the seat my mom just vacated, I grab her hand.

“Shh, Princess, it’s okay. We’re here and we’ve got you. You’re safe now, I promise.”

“Sawyer.” Her eyes flutter open with my words and I’m regretting speaking. Things are only going to go downhill from here.

“Hey, Mel, we’re here,” I say as my mom pours her a cup of water.

“Here, sweetheart, take a drink.” She holds the cup to Mel’s lips.

“Can we please move the bed up a little bit?” Mel asks, her eyes becoming a little more focused with each passing second. Anna walks to her bedside with Nate in her arms and Mel smiles up at her.

“Anna, you look good with a baby.”

“Maybe someday,” she says as she lowers him to Mel. “Can you hold him?”

Mel releases my hand and nods. “I think so if you can prop him in my good arm. I don’t want to whack him with my cast..”

Anna lowers the baby into her arms, and we watch as Mel coos at him for the first time and places a loving kiss against his head. “I can’t believe how much he looks like Noah. Where is he?”

Reaching out for Nate, I hand him back to Anna as Mom and I exchange pained glances.

“I’m going to take Nate to meet Wyatt. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Anna says. Mel doesn’t say anything, but her eyes are focused on us.

“Mel, what’s the last thing you remember?” I ask as my mom takes the seat next to me.

“Everything is foggy, Sawyer,” she answers on a sigh as tears begin to stream down her cheeks. “It wasn’t a dream, was it? Belle is gone, isn’t she?” Her pained words break my heart, especially since this is only the beginning of her nightmare.

“Yeah, Mel, she is.” Nodding, she closes her eyes. “Noah … I remember kissing Noah as he was holding Nate. Everything after that is fuzzy. Where is he?” Her tone is becoming frantic and my mom takes her hand again.

“Amelia, Noah was injured in the crash and needed surgery.” Tears are streaming down Mom’s cheeks.

“He’s okay, right? Noah’s okay?” She rips her hand away and tries to sit up further. The painful cries falling from her lips pierce me to my core. Her body is bent and broken but she’s only now realizing that herself.

“No, sweetheart, I’m afraid Noah isn’t okay.”

Mel stops moving and the color immediately drains from her face. “You’re lying!” she screams, and Mom pales at her accusation.

“Princess … Noah is on life support.”

“Wha- what do you mean? Life support?”

For the next few minutes, my mom and I explain everything the doctor told us, but Mel is in denial.

“No, I don’t believe you. I want to see him.” She pushes herself up and moves her legs over the side of the bed, crying out in pain. I rush to grab the wheelchair in the corner of the room.

“Mel, stop! Let me put you in the chair. You’re injured and you shouldn’t be moving around like this. Please let me help you … I promised Noah … please, Princess, let me keep my promise.”

She relents, her body sagging like a ragdoll, the fight in her suddenly gone. I lift her up and carefully put her in the wheelchair as my mom rolls her I.V. stand next to her. After removing her blood pressure cuff, the three of us make our way to Noah’s room in silence. Diane and Rob are with him when we walk in but exit wordlessly upon our arrival.

“Noah,” Mel cries out softly before wailing, “Oh God no … please no … Noah!” Before I can blink, Mel bounds out of the chair and into the bed with Noah. She curls into his side and rests her head against his heart.

My mom clutches my hand for strength as we helplessly watch Mel fall apart in front of our eyes.

“You’re wrong. I hear his heart beating. It’s strong and steady. Come on, Noah, wake up. Tell them they’re wrong. Tell them you’re just napping because you need to be extra strong so you can be Nate’s daddy. Please wake up and tell them, Noah … please.”

I’m not sure how long we watched as she cried, her head on his chest, listening to Noah’s heart beating in her ears. Long enough for me to pray she was right and we were all idiots. Long enough to hope love could bring him back to her … to us. Long enough to wish I’d left before she made her next request.

“Go get Nate for me.”

She never looked up, but my mom immediately complied. Within minutes she was back with the baby.

“Can you lay him on Noah’s chest please?” Mom again does as she’s asked and Mel wraps one of Noah’s arms around Nate, as well as her arm with the I.V. in it, and pulls them all into a family hug. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Mom flees the room sobbing, but I can’t bring myself to leave, to give them privacy. Instead, I make my way to the corner of the room and try to distance myself as much as possible. She’s only got one semi-good arm and I may need to grab Nate at any given time.

 

“This is our family, Noah. Me, you, and Nate. It’s everything you ever wanted, all you have to do is reach for it. Don’t leave us, Noah, not when we need you the most. Please, God, don’t take him from me. They’re all I have left.”

She’s wrong; she has all of us but she can’t see it through her pain. And it’s not my place to bring it up. Not now.

Hours passed as I sat in the corner and kept watch over them. Each of Mel’s periodic pleas more heartbreaking than the last.

“Come on, Noah, time to wake up. Show me those gorgeous eyes and that panty-melting smile. Sing for us, please. Nate just got here and there are mud fights to be had, guitars to be played, lessons to teach, and you know he’s going to need a brother or sister. He needs his daddy, Noah, and we haven’t even had a year. We only got one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one New Year, and you’re supposed to give me fireworks.”

She hiccups and sobs as Nate sleeps soundly, wrapped in their love. “Don’t forget you promised me fifty years, Noah … at least. Baby, please wake up.”

Tony walks in with his laptop bag hanging off his shoulder. When he sees the sight before him, he runs his hands through his hair and collapses into a chair next to the door. His eyes catch mine before he drops his head into his hands and cries.

Tony and Noah have always been close. They’ve been friends since high school and are both major planners. They geek out on plotting life’s unexpected scenarios. And even if they had a plan for this, I’m sure they never expected to implement it.

Making my way over to him, I place my hand on his shoulder. “Who called you?” I ask in a low tone.

“Warren did, after you got the news. I brought … the paperwork. Can I talk to Mel?”

With a nod, I reply, “I’m not sure how receptive she’ll be.”

A light rap on the door is followed by two doctors entering the room. They’re ones I haven’t seen before. Another doctor trails in behind them; he’s the one who gave us the news about Noah.

“Mr. Weston, we need to perform Noah’s six-hour assessment. It would be best if you all waited outside and we’ll let you back in when we’re done.”

“Go to hell!” Mel cries out from the bed. “I’m not leaving. Any tests you need to do you’ll do in front of me. You’re not killing him before his time. Noah’s still in there and he’s going to fight.”

With the patience of a saint, the doctor replies, “Very well, Mrs. Weston, but you and the baby will need to move during the testing.”

I take my cue and pry Nate out from under Noah and Mel’s arms.

“Amelia,” Tony says, “why don’t you let the doctors do their tests and we can go over Noah’s wishes?”

“I’m not leaving, Tony. You can come back in and talk to me when they’re done.” Her head still on Noah’s chest, she doesn’t even look up. With a resigned sigh, Tony and I leave the room.

“So he had a plan for all this, didn’t he?” I ask once we’re in the hall. Diane comes up to listen and takes the baby from me.

“Yes, in fact … Noah updated everything a few days after the wedding. Advanced directive, medical power of attorney, will, you name it and it’s been updated.”

“Well … that’s good. I guess. At least Noah will get everything the way he wants it. I suppose that’s important right now.” Diane’s words echo through the hall, but the emptiness in them carries most of all.

Everything except his wife, his kid, and his life.

“I’m going to get some coffee. I’ll be back.”

After taking a piss, and getting some coffee, I take a glance outside. There is a sea of people sitting vigil outside the hospital with signs and candles. Crying fans are everywhere, just waiting for some kind of update. I overheard Sam say he was posting one and needed approval.

I duck into an empty stairwell and close my eyes. We had a blast the past ten years, but none of this was worth the expense of losing Noah, Belle, and Harold. I’d give it all back in a heartbeat if I could. I’m trying to think what Noah would do right now and, picturing the fans outside, I know.

As I make my way back to the waiting room, I’m determined to do something good. When I enter, my eyes take in my weary family and it firms my resolve even more.

“Look, this is shit, but who wants a project?”

Eli looks up from next to Rory. I didn’t even realize he was here yet. “I’ll help. What do you need?”

“We need food. Catered, something good. Any price, it doesn’t matter. There are hundreds of people outside the hospital … get them food, too. Food for us, the staff, and the fans. It’s what Noah would do and therefore, it’s what we should be doing. If the staff can’t get out and is stuck eating hospital food, that’s an issue. And as much as we don’t want to eat, we have to. Mel needs us, Nate needs us, and Noah needs us to be strong for them.”

Warren smiles up at me and nods his head in approval. Even Veronica smiles at me as she kisses Cadence while she sleeps in her arms. “We’re on it, Sawyer. Go back to Mel and take care of her,” Eli says with tears in his eyes.

When I get back to the room, Tony is outside talking to the doctor and a woman. “It’s time to talk to Mel about what’s next. This is Mrs. Johnson, she’s the hospital transplant coordinator,” Tony informs me, and I give a slight nod.

“So … the testing?”

“Was what we expected, Mr. Weston. I’m sorry, but as I stated before, this is only a formality.” My heart drops. Even though I knew what to expect, I was hoping Mel’s impassioned pleas could make the impossible happen.

After entering the room, we pull four chairs to the bedside and Tony opens the dialogue.

“Amelia, can we have a conversation about Noah’s wishes?”

With a loud sniffle, her broken eyes meet his. “I guess so.”

“Two days after the wedding, Noah updated his documents. He has an advanced directive specifically prohibiting heroic measures to extend his life in an instance such as this. He’s also expressed his wishes to be an organ donor. Amelia, are you following me so far?”

“Yes,” she whispers.

“Okay, even though these are Noah’s wishes, he’s given you medical power of attorney, which means you have the choice of whether or not to honor these wishes. He’s put his faith in you, to choose what is best for him since he can’t. If you should choose to not be his medical power of attorney, he’s requested Sawyer be appointed.”

Fuck me.

Mel gingerly sits up and grips the rail for support as tears stream down her cheeks. “But why? I can’t make this decision for him! Why would he do that to me? Why would he make me be the one to decide if he lives or dies?” Her emotional pleas are heartbreaking, but I understand her thoughts because I feel the same way.

“Because you’re his wife and there’s no one he trusted more than you to make sure his wishes and best interests are being looked after. Except for Sawyer, who has always been his designee until you became his wife.”

“Mrs. Weston,” the doctor intervenes, “I know this is an impossible situation and you should make an informed decision. Our hospital is one of the best neurological institutions in the country. We have technology other facilities would love to have at their disposal. That fact your husband made it for the birth of your son is a miracle. After twelve hours, and with two doctors’ signatures, we can officially declare him brain dead. We’re at the halfway point. If you would be comfortable bringing in specialists from other facilities to perform additional neurological checks, I’d encourage you to do so, but I don’t expect any other outcome.”

Mel’s eyes flare with anger. “So my husband’s life is only worth twelve hours? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No, not at all. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but many hospitals would make this call at six hours with the injuries your husband sustained. If there were some hope, any hope at all, I’d give it to you. With injuries as catastrophic as his, there isn’t any hope left.”

Mel’s eyes dart between us and Noah as tears stream down her cheeks. I feel like I’m swimming inside a fishbowl and I can see the world outside but nothing makes sense.

“Four specialists. Find them, Tony. Get whoever you have to, fly them from wherever you need to, I will pay whatever they ask.”

Then she turns her fiery gaze back to the doctor. “No less than twenty-four hours and four specialists. After that, I’ll give my consent only if all four specialists agree with the determination the other two already gave.”

She then turns to the transplant coordinator. “And you want my husband’s organs, right? I have to give consent for that?”

The coordinator meets her glare with a sympathetic look. “I’m here because the family said Noah wanted to be a donor. If that’s something you’d like, too, I will call in The Organ Procurement Network to get things moving. One of their representatives will come out to speak with you all a bit more. Mrs. Weston, I understand how difficult this is, I—”

“You what?” Mel asks softly.

“I was in your place last year when I lost my husband.”

“I’m sorry,” Mel says. “Noah is the most selfless person I’ve ever known. He would want to donate. I will give consent if, and only if, all six of these doctors come back with the same answers and not sooner than twenty-four hours.”

That’s it. Mel just set a ticking clock and the countdown begins now.