The Beginning of the End

Sawyer never came to bed that night, and my emotional state after that took a nosedive. Sawyer started spending more time in the garage over the next two weeks and I started spending more time in Noah’s closet.

The thing is, I was sad, but my time in the closet wasn’t all about Noah this time. For some reason, I feel close to him in here and I’ve been talking to him about Sawyer. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps me since Sawyer and I aren’t exactly talking.

Ever since the wedding, Sawyer has been pulling away from me and it hurts so much. After I saw him crying I’m hesitant to even try talking to him. He’s hurting; I don’t want to make it worse and I don’t know how to fix it. They’re leaving tomorrow to go to the cabin in Big Bear for their second try at an annual trip. More than anything, I want things to be okay with us before he goes.

Call it separation anxiety or PTSD, but I worry every time someone leaves the house. It’s subtle most of the time, but he’ll be gone for three days; a lot can happen in that amount of time. If something were to happen, I don’t want any anger between us.

I’m in the kitchen making coffee, trying to psych myself up to talk to him today and fix this, when he comes in fully dressed.

“I made you coffee,” I say, trying to open up a dialog.

“Thanks, but I’m meeting someone for coffee. A meeting with a new angel investor.”

“Oh, okay. Have a good day, I guess. Will I see you later? I’d really like to talk today.”

Leaning against the counter, he crosses his arms and stares me down. I hate when he does this; it’s intimidating and I don’t want to feel intimidated by the man who owns my heart. “Yeah, sure. I’ve got some errands to run and stuff to put together for tomorrow. I left you a list of stuff to pack for Nate if you have time, it would really help me out.”

Nate. He’s taking my baby away for three days. What am I going to do without them? I’ve never been alone in this house for more than a few hours, let alone three fucking days.

“Of course. Whatever you need.” I’m emotional, and I wish he’d just leave so I could fucking cry in peace.

“Thanks, Mel, I’ll see you later.”

Grabbing his keys, he leaves. No kiss goodbye, not even a second look back. I’m pretty sure Sawyer has finally decided he’s done with me. I thought after reading the blog post he’d be happy. I didn’t get a reaction out of him one way or the other. The readers, on the other hand, had plenty to say and a lot of it wasn’t kind.

Maybe that’s part of it for him. Not the readers but the family. Rory, Rob, and Owen are still causing issues. Well … that’s not fair. Rob has come around; he was even going to go with them until Diane’s due date interfered. I get a personal vibe from him that he’s not okay with us, but maybe it’s just me looking for something that isn’t there. Same with Owen. He hasn’t said anything one way or the other, but his lack of opinion makes me think it’s not favorable. And we all know where Rory stands; she becomes angrier and more bitter each time I see her. At least she maintains a professional manner in the office, albeit a cool one.

“Good morning, Mel,” Karen says, coming into the kitchen. She spent the night here last night because she was up late working on foundation business with me. Last week, she came over and found me in the middle of a closet meltdown. She’s been hovering ever since. It might have to do with me breaking down and crying about Noah and Sawyer and babbling about the things I kept from Noah and how they feel like lies even though I thought I was protecting him. She was quick to remind me some things Noah knew, and some he didn’t, but there were also things he kept from me.

Karen also reminded me that just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to know every single thing the other person does. Sometimes, secrets aren’t a bad thing. But I don’t want secrets anymore and maybe I’m living in a bubble hoping for the impossible.

“Good morning, Karen. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, but I always do when I’m here. The sound of the ocean is the best sleep medicine there is. Where is everyone? It’s awfully quiet in here.”

I pass her a cup of coffee and we both take a seat at the table. “Sawyer had a meeting. Darren took the kids to get breakfast before your big outing at the zoo today. They’re going to have a blast.”

“You’re welcome to come. It might do you some good to get out of the house.”

“Thanks, but Sawyer said we could talk when he gets home and I really need to see where we’re at. I think he’s going to break up with me.”

Karen’s mouth drops open but she recovers quickly. “Surely, things aren’t that bad?”

“I’d like to say no, but I think they are.”

“Amelia, Sawyer loves you and I know you love him. Whatever happens when he comes home, I think the two of you should take the weekend to reassess your feelings and reflect on how different your lives would be without each other.”

She squeezes my hand and I squeeze hers back. “I know how my life would be without him, I’d be miserable. I don’t need the weekend to know that, but maybe he does.”

“It will be okay. I’m going to get ready so I can get out of here and give you two a chance to talk.”

I’m sitting in Noah’s closet listening to “My Immortal” by Evanescence, thinking about how I’m finally going to try to pack up this closet while they’re gone this weekend, when the door flings open with a bang.

Rage fills Sawyer’s features when he sees me sitting here. This is not what we need right now at all.

“Unfuckingbelieveable! Jesus, Mel, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?”

I scramble to my feet and come out of the closet. He’s already left the room. “It’s not what you think,” I call out behind him.

“Really? Then tell me what it is. Because it looks to me like you’re mourning your husband with your death playlist again and I’m getting really fucking sick of always being in second goddamn place with you!”

I wasn’t listening to my death playlist at all, just my awesome female singer playlist, but I’m sure now isn’t the time to bring up that minor detail. Although, to him, it’s probably not a minor detail.

“You’re not in second place with me, Sawyer. I wish you could understand that.” I hate this and I wish I could go back in time to Mama’s wedding and change that night.

Sawyer is pacing, practically ripping his hair out with his hands. “I’ve tried to let it go, but I can’t. I’m angry, and you’re regressing into this sad wife again. I can’t do this anymore, Mel. I thought I could wait forever for you, but I can’t.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Panic rises in my voice.

“Maybe I am because there are some things I can’t get past.”

“Like what?”

“Let’s see, for starters, I’m tired of second-guessing everything I do with you because I’m wondering if Noah did it first. Or because I know he did and I don’t want to trigger any memories for you.”

“Sawyer—”

“No, let me get this out. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to kiss your tattoo because it’s my name on your skin? But it’s also his and it was his gift, so putting my lips on that part of your body is pretty much off limits forever. Do you know how much that kills me? To know there is a part of you that will forever be off limits to my lips? Or how many times I’ve thought about putting rings on your fingers but never actually went there because he did it first and you only recently felt okay enough to take them off?”

His face is getting redder and his eyes have never been filled with this much fury before.

“What about kids, Mel? We can’t have them because you did that with him, right?”

“Sawyer! You’re not being fair!”

“No, maybe I’m not, but fuck it, Mel. I’m tired. I want more. A thousand ways and a thousand times I’ve let you know how much I want you and backed off because you need time and space. I’m sick of everything! I want to make us a home, Mel. A real home, not a house we exist in. Not this shrine to everything Noah!”

Ouch, that fucking hurts, but he’s not wrong; this house isn’t a home and it never really has been.

“I love my brother, but I’m so tired of living in his shadow when it comes to you. If you can’t even empty his closet, you’ll never make a home with me.”

“It was one bad night, Sawyer. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

With a resigned sigh, he sits next to me. “That’s the thing, Mel, it wasn’t one bad night. It was the final straw for me in a series of reminders. The first thing you did after one setback was start regressing into the closet. I’m just a way for you to pass the time until things get real.”

My pulse races. He can’t end this. “You’re being unfair and you don’t know the whole story! Yes, I’ve been in the closet, not because I’m regressing but because I feel close to Noah in there for some reason. It’s like my confessional where I talk to him about you. I came to the garage to talk to you that night but I saw you holding that picture and crying and I didn’t know what to do. I wrote the blog post hoping you’d understand how much you mean to me. You’ve been shutting me out and I take that very personally. I’m not the only one who goes back and forth from hot to cold! What else should I be doing? What else can I do? I’ve been trying to give you space because you’re going through something right now but fuck, Sawyer, I’ve missed you.”

“Nothing, Mel, I don’t know. While I was down there looking at that photo, I realized what a complete fool I’ve been. Noah would want us happy and right now, I’m not fucking happy. So I’ve decided to do something that is either going to make me happy or lead me to eventual happiness because that’s what Noah would ultimately want for me. He wouldn’t want me to be miserable or hanging by a thread, waiting to see if today is the day I’m going to finally hit one of your triggers.”

“What are you going to do?” I ask fearfully.

“I’m giving you an ultimatum and whatever you decide, I’ll go with, but I need your decision by the time I get home on Sunday.”

Nothing in the world pisses me off more than an ultimatum but with Sawyer, it terrifies me. He’s serious this time.

“What is it?” I manage to choke out.

“You need to make a home with me, Mel. A real home where we live, both physically and with a zest for life. Some days you radiate happiness and other days you’re barely existing. I need you to radiate with me in a place that is warm and welcoming with drawings on the wall and even the occasional crayon scribble the kids leave when they shouldn’t. And yes, I said kids because I want them with you, in our home. We’re a family, Mel. At least, that’s what I hope for every fucking day. I want pictures of us on the walls. Me and you and our love.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Then I will always love you but I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t live in Noah’s shadow or his shrine. I know he was your past, he was mine, too. But I hope to be your future. It’s your call. I’d even be willing to stay here if you can get rid of Noah’s things and turn your old room into something productive. Maybe another nursery or an office for you. You’re lost, Mel. You need to get back to writing. If not the story you owe SOS about BAD, something else. One of your romances, a tell-all about Eli, whatever … just do something to get those creative juices flowing again. You need to live, Mel. Above anything else, that’s what Noah would want and it’s what I want, too.”

“So that’s it? Three days to decide?”

With a sadness so profound it steals my breath, he replies, “Yes, and I guess you could technically say three and a half. Nate, Darren, and I are staying at J’s tonight. It’s closer to the mountains and keeps him from having to come all the way out here. It’s why I asked you to pack him up earlier.”

“You’re taking him tonight?”

“He’ll be fine, I promise. You need this time … correction, we need this time.” I can’t wrap my head around any of this right now. “Come say bye to him. My mom dropped him off when I got here and she took Cadence to Veronica’s for Darren.”

Numb, I follow him out and smile at my son, who is excitedly holding the handle of his suitcase while Darren shows him how to roll it back and forth. It’s hard to believe he’s going to be two in just a few days.

“Nate, give Mommy a hug. We’re going to spend the night with Uncle J.”

“Mommy, I going fishing.”

As I pull him into my arms, my emotions take over and tears begin to fall. “I know you are, baby. You’re going to catch all the fish in the lake, I just know it. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. I love you,” he says before he releases me and runs back to his suitcase.

Turning my gaze to Sawyer, my anger flares. “Keep Fat Bastard away from my kid.”

“He’s my kid, too, Mel. I’d never let anything hurt him.”

“See you when we get back, Mel. I’m going to take Nate to the car so you guys can talk.” Darren gives me a quick hug and darts out the door. He’d better run. He knew about this shit and gave me no warning.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you later,” I say, turning toward the bedroom.

“Mel, please get past your anger and understand where I’m coming from with this. I want to make a home with you. But I need all of you in order to do it. I won’t settle for less, and you shouldn’t, either.”

A few minutes after they leave, my phone dings. It’s a clip for “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” by Patty Smyth and Don Henley. It takes everything in me not to throw my phone. Instead, I lie down on our bed, mine and Sawyer’s, and cry.

I won’t let him do this to us, though. I’m back up in a flash and send him a link to “Always Take You Back” by The Night Terrors of 1927. I’m tired of crying, I’ve spent the bulk of the last two years crying for things that will never get better. Tonight, I’m making a few changes. For the first two, I need to take a drive. For the last one, tequila. Tomorrow, I’ll do what I should have been doing all along and sit down and write. It won’t be the story I owe them, but it will be a story all the same.

My phone goes off again before I leave the house. I dread looking at it, but I’m relieved when I see it’s a text from Darren.

Darren: I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up, but I think you both need this. Sawyer is having second thoughts, he’s hesitant to leave you alone. Then I started having second thoughts, too. He’s afraid you’ll start writing and drown in your sorrow all over again.

Why are you telling me this?

Darren: Because I was an asshole and didn’t try and get you to work things out sooner. Are you okay?

No, but I will be. You guys enjoy your trip. I’ll be here when you get back.

Darren: Promise?

Yeah, I am going to write. I have to in order to work this out. Wish me luck.

Darren: You don’t need luck, your words are gold – what you need is tequila.

I’ve got that covered … Is he still angry?

Darren: That wasn’t anger, it was fear. He’s worried what this means for you guys and he’s worried about leaving you to work it out alone. I’ll handle him, but you have to make this right. You guys belong together.

That remains to be seen, but I’m trying. Have fun this weekend. Gotta go.

The sun is starting to set and dark clouds are rolling in. This cold weather is unusual for August in Southern California, but it matches my mood. Although I haven’t been here in almost two years, someone has because both Belle and Noah’s graves have fresh flowers on them.

“Hey, guys,” I say, taking a seat between them. “It’s been a long time and I’m sorry for that. I’m not even sure I feel like you guys are here, but I needed to get out of the house to talk to you today.”

A cool breeze begins to blow and I zip up my hoodie. “Anyway, I’ve kind of made a huge mess of things. If you’ve been watching, you already know this. I definitely have not been living like there’s no tomorrow. But I have been living, at least I thought I had until Sawyer pointed out all my flaws today.”

With a sigh, I lie back on the grass and look to the sky. Staring at their headstones hurts too much.

“Noah, I’m not even sure what to say to you. I love you, I will always love you, and letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s been two years without your smiles, laughter, advice, and love. In some ways it seems like yesterday and in other’s like it’s been forever.

“Our kids are the cutest, most amazing little humans to walk the planet. You guys would be so fucking proud of them. It’s like God knew the two of you were leaving and gave us mini replicas of you. They make our days better and a little bit easier, but they’re still no replacement for you.”

A car passes by on their way out, reminding me to hurry because it’s getting late.

“I’m sure you already know Sawyer and I are together now. I’ve talked to you about this every day for the last two weeks in your closet, Noah, but in case you’re not there I figured I could talk to you here today. You were right, I love him. It’s more than that, I’m head-over-heels in love with this man. He makes the pain of losing you hurt less with each passing day. He makes me laugh, and he’s such a wonderful father to our son. You’d be so proud of him, Noah, he’s a different man. But I may have blown it all to hell because I still don’t know how to say a final goodbye to you and pack up your things.”

I swipe at my tears but eventually give up; they’re going to keep flowing at this point.

“It’s not just you. I haven’t gone through your things, either, Belle. You know how I am with closure and goodbyes … they’re not my thing. Denial is an emotion I thrive on, I suppose. I did finally pack up my parent’s house and sell it, though. That’s some progress, right? You guys were taken from us so soon and so horrifically, I feel like at least your things should get some more time on earth when you couldn’t. Is that bad? And what’s really wrong with leaving a room filled with your things? I’m not even sleeping in there anymore.”

It’s as if I can hear them telling me, “You know why it’s wrong, Mel. You have to move on.”

And I know it’s all in my mind, my subconscious is telling me what I want to hear, but I wish it were them because at least they would be here.

“You know what’s funny? All this time I’ve been grieving and wishing for you to be back with us. The past few months when I have those thoughts, they make me sad, because if you were here I wouldn’t be in love with Sawyer. I guess that’s when I finally knew I’d really moved on. I hope that’s okay. Your video seems to indicate it’s what you wanted, but I didn’t know that when I started falling for him. Sawyer gets me, Noah, in all the ways you used to and even in some ways you didn’t.”

I stand up, dust my pants off, and turn back around toward the headstones. “I will always love you, Mr. Weston, and I know if you’d never been taken from us we’d have had an amazing life. I’m trying to honor your wishes and collect those fifty years with Sawyer. I love you with all my heart, Noah. Rest in peace, my sweet husband.”

I place a kiss to my palm and rest it against the top of his headstone and repeat the process with Belle’s. “I love you, Belle, and I miss you constantly. Thank you for leaving me with Cadence. With her here I at least have a piece of you with me all the time. She’s going to grow up to be an amazing woman, exactly like her mother was. I love you both, always.”

I’m still crying when I reach the car but my heart feels a little bit lighter. Now, off to my next order of business.

It’s almost two in the morning when I climb into bed. I’ve taken care of everything I needed to and even got through it with a minimal amount of tequila. Going to the cemetery again was difficult, but once it was over I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Talking to Noah and Belle was something I’ve needed to do for a while now.

When I left the cemetery, I went straight to my next item on my to-do list. It was easy and something I should have done a long time ago that maybe would have helped avoid this entire mess.

The last task was extremely hard but the right thing to do and hopefully done in the right way. Time will tell on that one, I suppose. Either way, I did what I set out to do today. The flashing light on my phone catches my attention and I realize I haven’t checked it since I sent Sawyer that link earlier. So help me God, if Fat Bastard got my kid I’m going to go ballistic.

As I open the message, there’s a photo of Nate with that cat curled up next to him like a sweet little pussycat and the caption “Our son is a cat whisperer. Fat Bastard never stood a chance.”

A few minutes later, he sent me another link to “It’s Been Awhile” by Staind.

We may never have an easy love but we will never lack passion. Sawyer has more passion in his pinky than most men have in their whole bodies. I dig through my email and find an advanced copy of a song that was submitted for our next fundraising album last week; it fits perfectly. After sending him the file for “Now or Never” by Halsey, I turn off the light and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be the beginning of a rough three days.

When I wake up, the first thing I do is check my phone. There is absolutely nothing from Sawyer, which surprises me. Determined to get through these next three days, I send him one more song and hope it means something to him.

A few seconds later, he replies.

Sawyer: “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston, huh? That one could actually go both ways. You have 72 hours, Princess, make them count.

His words sting and I don’t bother texting him back. Instead, I spend the bulk of the afternoon doing something I should have done a long time ago—going through Belle’s things. I want everything in these boxes. Mama knew exactly what I would want, and I’m overcome with so many memories of Belle and me. I’ve stacked some pictures of the two of us on my old dresser in Noah’s room and then set my favorite one of her and me on the coffee table for inspiration.

I’ve got her notes and articles, as well as Sawyer’s journal, set up on the table. The sun is setting by the time I settle down to write with a glass of my favorite wine. I’m not ready for this whatsoever but for him, I’ll do it.