Michael

“What do you mean, nothing?” I sweep the papers and paperweights off my desk, sending them flying and clattering to the floor, and then make a dent in the metal with my knuckles. “Surely there was something you could have done!”

“I tried, sir,” Adam, a member of the Guard Corps, tells me. “I tried to stop her, but she was too fast.”

“Bullshit!” I lunge over my desk and grab the front of his shirt. “Don’t give me your—”

“Michael!” my mother admonishes.

I clench my jaw as I swallow the rest of my sentence and let Adam go.

“Thank you, Adam,” my mother says to him. “Now, leave us.”

I hear his footsteps moving away and the door to the office opening and closing. Even then, I don’t move. I just stand there, staring at my shoes with my fists and jaw clenched. My chest heaves as I struggle to fill the tight space with air.

“What do you think you’re doing?” My mother stands in front of me. “The poor guy was just doing his job.”

“If he was doing his job, Grace would still be in the city,” I spit out at her. “In fact, she’d be here with me right now.”

“The Guard Corps is tasked with keeping people out of the city, not in it,” my mother reminds me. “And yet, Adam still tried to stop Grace. Is this how you repay him?”

I say nothing.

“Michael…”

My mother reaches for my arm but I jerk it away.

“Michael, I know you’re distraught right now, but—”

“Distraught?” I whirl around and look at her. “I’ve just been told my fiancée has left the city without saying goodbye, without so much as a word of explanation. She’s left the safety of the city and gone into the God-forsaken wastelands and you think I’m distraught?”

I shake my head.

No. What I’m feeling is definitely more than that—every worst feeling in the world and nothing all at the same time. Excruciating pain. Crushing devastation. Unspeakable loss. Overwhelming emptiness.

The woman I love is gone. For all I know, she could be dead right now. And I might as well be.

I grip my chest. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to disappear just like her.

“I’ll send a squad to find her and bring her back,” my mother says.

I look at her with raised eyebrows. “You will?”

She nods.

“But Dad won’t allow it. The others won’t—”

“Who do you think I am, Michael?” my mother cuts me off. “If I want to do something in this city, do you really think anyone can stop me?”

I lean on the edge of my desk. “You would do that for me?”

“Of course,” she answers, reaching for my hand to squeeze it. “Whatever the cost may be, we’ll bring the woman you love back.”

Hope flutters in my chest and I give her a weak smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

I’m about to give her a hug, but I hear a knock on the door.

“What is it?” my mother asks before I can.

Adam re-enters the room. “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

He glances at me but quickly lowers his gaze to the floor. A knot forms in my chest and in my throat.

My mother lets go of my hand and faces Adam. “What are you apologizing for?”

“We found her,” Adam announces.

My heart stops and my eyes grow wide. “You did?”

I run over to him and grab his shoulders.

“Where is she? Is she alright? I want to see her right now!”

“Sir, I…”

“Let him speak, Michael,” my mother says.

I let him go.

“Sir, we found her… body.”

I feel all the blood drain from my face. Body?

“And these.”

Adam presents me with a few inches of gold chain and a charred silver ring.

My heart sinks as my knees drop to the ground. My arms hang from my sides.

No.

“Oh, Michael.” My mother wraps her arms around me, but I barely feel them.

Now, I really do feel nothing at all.

“Grace… is gone.”

My mother hugs me tight. “I’m sorry, Michael.”

“Are you really?” I turn my head towards her as my pain simmers into anger. “You hated her. Grace told me so.”

“Of course not.” Her eyes grow wide in shock as her grip on me loosens. “Yes, I didn’t think she was right for you…”

“Because she wasn’t a Pioneer? Because she had a scar on her face?”

“But I didn’t hate her,” my mother goes on. “We mothers all want the best for our children, but even so, our children’s happiness comes first. If you had told me she was the only woman who could make you happy, I would have given you both my blessing.”

The muscles in my forehead ease up. “You would have?”

“Of course.” She wraps her arms around me once more. “I would have gift-wrapped her for you if you were convinced you really wanted her. Why, wasn’t I just about to send a squad after her?”

She’s right. What am I doing making nonsense accusations against my own mother?

None of this is her fault. If anything, it’s all mine. I never introduced Grace to my mother, because I was afraid to. Even when I told Grace I’d talk to my parents about marrying her, I still stalled because I couldn’t find the courage to face them, to make a stand about her. I acted like a coward at the one point in my life that I really needed to be brave.

That’s probably why she left the city—because I didn’t go see her when I said I would, or even send her word. Because she got tired of waiting for me. Because she started to think I wasn’t going to keep my word.

Because I broke her heart.

I failed Grace.

And because of that, she’s dead.

I might as well have killed her myself.

At that thought, my tears break through.

My mother strokes my hair. “Oh, sweetheart.”

I pull away and wipe the tears from my eyes. “I need to be alone, Mother.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod, then sniff as I go back to my desk.

“If you say so.”

The door closes and I sit behind my desk. I bury my face in my hands, mourning over what I’ve just lost.

First my brother. Now my fiancée.

Grace is gone.

I’ll never get to see the glimmer in her blue eyes again or hear her laugh. She’ll never get to be a fashion designer or make another dress for someone. She’ll never get to see the new, improved world we Pioneers are trying so desperately to create.

And worst of all, she’ll never be my wife.

I’ll never get to call her mine again or hold her in my arms again. Or kiss her. I’ll never have another chance to make love to her, to feel the warmth of her body as it quivers and arches against mine.

She’s slipped through my fingers and she’s never coming back.

Strange. The Icebreaker took many things away from me, and yet I lost the most precious thing I ever had not because of any cataclysm but because of my own weakness and foolishness. And now, no amount of regret will bring her back.

My hands fall to my knees and clench into fists. Tears fall on top of my knuckles.

I didn’t even get to say “I love you” one last time. Or goodbye.

And I never will.

I let my limp body slide off the chair and down to the floor as my energy leaves me along with my tears. My shoulders shake as I crouch on the carpet and sob like I never have in my entire life.

Grace, I’d give anything to hold you just one more time.