Chapter 16

Two Months Later

Emma

The pictures on the wall of the OB/GYN office were confusing and slightly terrifying, I had to admit. The way they carved out the woman’s body and showed the baby inside looked really uncomfortable. I was at my three-month checkup, and though I couldn’t get a sonogram because the machine was down, I had some important blood work done. I stood in the office waiting for the doctor to return, noticing the tightness of my shorts on my stomach for the first time. The door opened, and my doctor walked in with a smile on his face. I let out the deep breath trapped in my lungs and sat down.

“Everything looks wonderful,” he said. “And even though we couldn’t get the sonogram done today, I could hear the heartbeat, and everything is right on track. Your blood work shows that you’re getting all your vitamins and minerals, your weight is steady, and your body is healthy and happy.”

“That’s great,” I said, smiling. “Thank you.”

“Just check out with the nurse, and they’ll schedule your next appointment.”

“Thank you.”

I pulled on my shoes and soaked in the relief at the good news. It was about time I had some sort of good news in my life. Still, there was a dismal feeling in my gut that had been there since I found out I was pregnant, and I hadn’t been able to shake it. It was like this dark thought waiting for me to accept. I hated that I couldn’t just be happy, that the reality of life kept slapping me in the face over and over. I wanted to be on Gillian’s level, who had already started showing me baby stuff and getting excited about being an aunt. I was just taking things one day at a time, and right then, knowing everything was good on the inside, all the outside stuff started to overwhelm me.

I walked out of the office and got in line at the checkout desk so I could make my next appointment. There were a million things I had to make choices on, and I had to be in a place where that was even possible. My life had been a whirlwind of events since I found Alex cheating on me, and I knew the first step was calming everything down. I just wasn’t sure how to make that happen. Every time I told myself everything was going to be okay, fear would strike, and I would think about how alone I was. I was terrified to go through all this alone without a partner by my side like the other women sitting in the waiting room. I could barely look at the other expecting mothers with their husbands holding their hands without feeling like I was the only one in the world. It was devastating at times.

My father and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but when I was growing up, I could see how much he loved my mother. He was there for everything from dance recitals to birthday parties and everything in between. He worked hard to be a good father and provide for his family. My whole life, I never even gave two thoughts to the fact that I might not have the perfect family and the perfect life. When everything came tumbling down with Alex, I still had the hopes that I would meet someone else one day and get married, have babies, and be the kind of mother I always wanted to be.

Now I was faced with a different scenario. I was faced with the idea of being a single mother. I didn’t know any single mothers, but I knew it was a hard road, and it was the last thing that I wanted. I wanted a family like the one I grew up in.

“Your appointment is all set,” the nurse said, smiling at me and handing me a card. “We’ll see you then, and if you need more vitamins or medicine, give us a call.”

“Thank you.” I took the card and put it in my wallet.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and stood in the sun, soaking in the warmth on my face. It was days like these that made everything bearable. They gave me hope that life wouldn’t always be as tough as it was right then. I knew it was only the momentary pass of the sun overhead, but I lived for those small moments between the sad thoughts that went through my mind all the time. I pulled my purse in front of me and headed across the parking lot to my car. I sat inside for a moment, not believing I was already three months along. Before I knew it, the baby would be there. That was when the fear came back again, and I took in a deep breath. I put the car in drive and headed over to my parents’ house to have dinner with them. I tried to have dinner with them as often as I could now.

They knew I was pregnant, I had sat them down not long after finding out and told them. It was hard to explain to them the mistake I had made, to tell them I had slept with a complete stranger. It was even harder to tell them that afterward, I’d found out he had a family of his own. I could see my father’s heart breaking right there in his favorite chair. As much as I wanted the perfect family, my parents wanted that for me even more. They had raised me to be the kind of woman they could be proud of. It took my father a bit to come around, but finally, after about a month, he started to talk more cheerfully about the baby and ask how we were doing. It was nice having him in my life for all of it.

I pulled up to the house and waved at my dad who was out in the yard doing something tedious and time-consuming. I got out and walked up to the house, knowing that my mom would want to talk about the appointment. At that moment, I really didn’t feel like talking, but I knew it was important to keep them as close as I could. It would be important for me and for the baby. My mom was in the kitchen cooking like always, and I put down my things and went in, picking up the green beans and starting to snap the ends off them.

“Hello, sweetie.” She came over and kissed me on the top of the head. “It’s good to see you as always.”

“It’s good to see you too, Mom,” I said. “How’s that sculpture coming along?”

“It’s good,” she said excitedly. “I’m putting the overcoat on now, and then I will be adding the color. It takes a lot of time, but I love it.”

“I wish I had artistic talent.” I sighed. “I got Dad’s stick drawing ability.”

“Maybe the baby will be an artist.” she smiled. “Oh, did you have your three-month checkup today? Did you get a picture of that baby for me?”

“I did have the appointment, but the sonogram machine was in repair, so that will have to wait,” I said. “But the rest of it went really great. He used another machine and listened to the heartbeat that he could finally hear, and it was strong, which was a relief.”

“Oh, good.”

“And my blood work came back looking good,” I said. “The increase in vitamins and the fact that I am progressing well is probably the reason I don’t feel quite as bad as I did in the beginning. He’s hoping that by the second trimester, all of my morning sickness will be gone.”

“That would be wonderful,” she said. “How about your weight? I know you were concerned because you were losing weight.”

“He said I was fine. He said it was normal, and actually, I had gained a pound since my last visit,” I said. “I guess it fluctuated a bit.”

“And how are you feeling? Mentally?” She took the beans from me.

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m scared, I guess. I’m scared of a lot of things. It’s scary to go through this alone, and I know I have you guys and the girls, but I mean without a partner. I’m worried something will go wrong. I’m terrified that I won’t be a good mother. I’m scared of everything.”

“That’s natural,” she said. “And I think you’ll be a fantastic mom. If I can do it, then I know you can.”

“I just wish I could find Brandt,” I said, leaning against the chair back. “Even if he does have a family, he deserves to know. It’s not my place to keep that from him. Whether he decides to be there or to tell his family is up to him.”

“You know, when I was pregnant with you, and your father and I were married, I was terrified,” she said. “I was terrified of all of those things, especially feeling alone and helpless, even if he was right there with me. When you were born, though, as soon as I held you in my arms, I knew that everything was going to be okay. If you really feel that it’s imperative that Brandt knows, then keep searching. Understand, though, that if you find him, that doesn’t mean you’ll all of a sudden not feel alone and scared anymore. You’re a good person, Emma. You made a choice that has lifelong repercussions, and that is okay because we all make those in our lives. I know that if you follow your heart, you’ll end up right where you need to be.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I said, smiling. “You always have the right words.”

“Come on,” she replied, looking up as my father walked in the door. “Let’s go eat.”

We all sat down at the table and had a great meal, listening to my father talk about the fishing, my mother talk about her art, and talking about the future with the baby. When I left, I felt better than before, but Brandt was still strongly on my mind. I couldn’t help but think about him and the family that I might have been able to have if I had only left my phone number with him or gotten his. There was no guarantee he would have ever called, but it would have been better than the situation I was in.

When I got home, I was exhausted, so I climbed up the stairs and started to get ready for bed. I took off my shirt and looked in the mirror. My belly was starting to push out a little. I rubbed my hand over it and thought about the heartbeat from earlier. There really was a tiny human inside of me, fighting to get stronger.

“Hey there,” I said, talking to the baby for the first time. “I am your mommy, and I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to protect you and keep you safe. You don’t have to hurry. You’re in a good place right now.”

I sighed and turned, pulling on a pajama top and climbing into my bed. I lay awake thinking about Brandt and how much I really needed him at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me, his voice whispering that everything was going to be okay. Three months had flown by, and this baby was going to be there before I knew it. I knew that I had to find Brandt, and I had to find him fast.