I’ve had the journal for two weeks. Two long weeks. It’s 3:00 am, and I can’t stop staring at the stupid leather binding as it peeks from behind my alarm clock on the bedside table. I swear it’s taunting me.

Open my pages, Liv.

Read me, Liv. I dare you.

I glare at the notebook.

“Screw you,” I answer back, angrily.

Great. I just yelled at a freaking book. I’m losing my damn mind.

Scratch that. I gotta cut back on the naughty language before Little Man arrives.

I’m losing my dang mind.

Ugh…

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly before throwing off my covers and finally giving in. Grabbing the journal roughly, I turn on the small decorative lamp sitting on the nightstand.

I open the worn cover and read the first page. A smile immediately graces my lips.

September 3-This is the stupidest assignment I’ve ever heard of.

September 4-I ate a sandwich today. The tomatoes were a good addition.

September 5- I’m already sick of school. Obviously, this is going to be a problem.

I shake my head, laughing quietly before flipping a little further into the book, looking for an entry that’s longer than two sentences.

September 22-I asked Liv to the Homecoming Dance tonight. It’s not like it came as a surprise or anything, but I’m still anxious to see if she says yes or if she finally figured out that she’s way out of my league. How did I get so lucky to land her as my girlfriend? She’s freaking perfect.

I bite my lower lip, my eyes beginning to sting. Obviously, I said yes and we had a blast at the dance. It was the perfect night.

Taking a deep breath in through my nose and releasing it through my mouth, I flip further into the journal, anxiety gnawing at my stomach.

After reading five more months’ worth of entries, I start to see Adam’s unique perspective on the most random things. Did you know he hated Thai food, but ate it anyway because I loved it?

He also loved pickles, although I never saw him eat them. Apparently, I had mentioned how I could still taste the pickles on his tongue after kissing him. Therefore, he never ate them again. I can’t help but feel a little guilty about that one. He always put so much pressure on himself to be perfect, even when no one asked him to. It kind of breaks my heart.

Mostly, it’s filled with random day-to-day things. The pressure he felt from his mom to be perfect. The pressure to go to college and make perfect grades. The pressure to break up with me. Thanks a lot, Susan.

I had known most of these things, but it’s different reading them through Adam’s eyes and being immersed in his perspective so fully.

March 7- Luke and I gamed all night last night. It was fun having a guy’s night. We ate a shit-ton of pizza, played Call of Duty, and talked about random shit till 4 am. I’m gonna miss that bastard when he goes off to school. Sometimes he feels like the only real family I have.

I smile softly, remembering how close they used to be. When looking at Adam’s old photo albums throughout the years, I couldn’t help but notice Luke being in the majority of pictures with him. They really were like brothers.

It breaks my heart that I became a wedge between them after high school, that I tore apart their relationship without even knowing it.

I continue to scan the journal, and can almost hear Adam’s smooth voice telling me each and every story. I feel closer to him now than I have in a long time. Struggling to swallow past the giant lump in my throat, I accept the truth.

I miss him. So much.

I turn the page to see one of the bookmarked pages that Susan has folded over.

April 12- I love her. I know we’ve been saying it for years now, but it’s true. I love her more than anything. We just got back from prom, and she took my breath away. How gay is that? I was the luckiest guy in the room, and everyone knew it except her. She doesn’t see how special she is, and I’m pretty freaking grateful for that, ‘cuz if she did, I don’t think she’d look my way ever again.

A tear silently slides down my cheek as I re-read this journal entry more times than I can count.

Adam, you stupid man. You have no idea how much I loved you.

I flip to the next page.

April 15- Luke can’t keep his eyes off her and it makes me want to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. He’s always staring at her, but it’s been getting worse lately. I hate feeling jealous of my best friend. I’m the one that got the girl, not him, so why do I feel jealous of their relationship? It’s not fair, and it’s beginning to eat me up inside.

They have an assignment together, and I know Liv doesn’t feel the same way, but I can’t handle them spending so much time together. It’s like watching a train wreck. I want to look away, but I can’t stop staring, waiting to see where the pieces fall.

April 20- Mom threatened to take away my inheritance if I keep dating Liv. I don’t know what her problem is, but it’s getting ridiculous. I love Liv, but I was planning on using that money for school. I don’t know what to do. Maybe she’s better off without me anyway….

I shake my head, the tears falling freely now.

May 15- This is my last entry. Our assignment is due tomorrow so I won’t need to write in this journal anymore. It’s probably for the best; it was a pretty pointless assignment. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do about Liv. I love her, but am I enough for her?

I let out a shaky breath, afraid to read the final page.

June 2-I lied. Apparently, journal writing is a hard habit to quit cold turkey. My assignment is over, I got an A by the way, but I can’t help but write one more time. Maybe by confessing my sins on to these pages it will help relieve the guilt that’s eating me alive.

I made a mistake. A big freaking mistake. The worst mistake I could ever possibly make, and I’ve done some really dumb shit. I’m so torn up inside, I don’t know what to do. If I could take it back I would, in a heartbeat. It meant nothing.

Luke knows. He promised he wouldn’t say anything, but I said some dumb shit and wouldn’t blame him if he changed his mind. I’m just waiting for him to throw our friendship under the bus and sweep in on his white horse, saving the day and promising to love her forever. I should let him. It’s what I deserve. It’s what she deserves.

I’ve been physically ill for the past week. Literally. And she’s noticed. She’s been perfect, taking care of me, watching movies, bringing me soup. It only makes me want to puke more.

I can’t tell her. I can’t lose her. My mistake only confirmed my true feelings. How’s that for irony? I would die without her. Is it selfish to keep her even though I know I don’t deserve her?

Of course, it is.

I should just hand her over to Luke in a gift basket. I know I should, but I’m a selfish prick who can’t let her go. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, she just can’t know. She can never find out. I want to apologize, beg her forgiveness, but I know I’ll never deserve it. Go figure. I was so worried about her loyalty that I stabbed her in the back for it.

I love you, Liv.

I sit up quickly, stumbling into the bathroom and vomiting into the toilet.

The sobs begin to pour out of me, taking my breath away. As the tears stream down my cheeks, I replay everything I read just a few short minutes ago.

The guilt was eating him alive. He regretted it more than anything else in the world. It solidified his feelings for me, as weird as that sounds. He loved me, he just made the worst mistake a boy can make.

And he was a boy when it happened. He didn’t know how to handle all the pressure he was receiving from everyone around him.

If I had found out in high school, would I have forgiven him?

Probably not.

But I can’t help but relive every tender memory he and I shared throughout our marriage, my heart aching at having possibly missed those precious moments if he’d have told me.

Can I forgive him for his mistake?

I’m not sure, but I think I need to try.