I wake up to the sound of voices in the kitchen area. Peeking through the window, I notice the moon shining brightly in the dark velvet sky. I can’t believe how long I slept; it must be ten o’clock or so.

At first I assume the voices are from the TV, but I quickly realize it’s Luke and a woman. It sounds like they’re having a heated conversation in the main living area.

I don’t want to interrupt, but I really need to pee. I climb out of bed and make a beeline to the bathroom, but am stopped when I hear a feminine voice shout, “So this is the new roommate?” Her sharp tone is definitely accusatory and causes my hackles to rise.

I pause a few steps from the bathroom, trying to control my bladder and my raging hormones, before plastering a smile on my face and hoping it looks genuine. I turn toward the kitchen and see Luke in dark jeans, a light gray t-shirt, and messy hair sticking up in different directions. He must have been running his fingers through it before I came into the room. He does that when he’s frustrated or nervous.

The question is, why?

My eyes bounce to the other person in the room, and I’m quickly met with a pair of scrutinizing chocolate-brown eyes belonging to a gorgeous woman. I try to be subtle as I look her up and down. Long black hair? Check. Legs that go on for miles? Check. Giant boobs? Double check. (Pun intended.)

Well, that does it. I’m officially intimidated.

Wait…why am I intimidated?

It’s not like she’s competition or anything, unless she was also hoping to stay in the guest bedroom? From the looks of it, I assume she’ll be staying in the master suite with a certain someone who failed to mention a not-so-friendly girlfriend to his new roommate.

Scratch that. She could be friendly. Maybe she just didn’t know her boyfriend invited his former best friend to move in with him because her dead husband knocked her up and then left her and…. I think I’m rambling.

“Hi,” I say as politely as I can, waving my hand awkwardly. My eyes bounce between Luke and Miss Double D’s.

“Hi,” Luke replies with a hesitant smile. “This is Trisha. Trish, this is Liv.” Luke makes the proper introductions, eyeing both of us warily. I can tell he’s afraid a full-on chick fight is about to break out in his kitchen.

Trisha and I shake hands, and she seems much more polite all of the sudden. Maybe she’s not quite as intimidated now that she’s seen me with post-nap hair and smudged makeup.

“Liv, I was just telling Trish how we’re old friends, and you were needing a place to stay,” Luke says, holding my eyes with his own, letting me know he didn’t go into all the gory details of my train wreck of a life.

“Yes,” Trisha interjects, “he had mentioned getting a new roommate who was an old friend needing a hand. What he failed to mention was that she was a girl.” She emphasizes the word girl, almost like it’s a four-letter word. I mean it is technically a four-letter word, but you get my point. I guess I would be pretty pissed too, if my boyfriend left that part out.

What she doesn’t understand is mine and Luke’s relationship. Or that I’m pregnant. Or that my husband just died. Trust me…I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be any more unappealing to the opposite sex right now, even if I tried. And I’m not trying. At all. I may or may not have even showered for the past three days. Though to be fair, I did put on deodorant.

“It’s nice to meet you,” I announce, pasting the same uncomfortable smile on my face as before. I’m unsure if I should try to expound on my situation or not.

Trisha continues to stare in my direction, making me feel even more awkward than before. Does she expect more of an explanation as to why I’m bunking with her boyfriend?

The room is so silent I swear you could hear a pin drop. Luke clears his throat, but it does nothing to break the tension.

I’ve never been very good with awkward silence. I have a habit of saying the first thing that comes to mind in hopes of breaking it. I bite my lower lip, attempting to contain any possible word vomit. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, hoping to dispel any reservations Trisha has with Luke and I being roommates.

I see all the blood drain from Trisha’s face, and it takes me a second to figure out why.

So much for helping Luke out with his girlfriend.

I was trying to explain how unappealing I currently am, but she may have taken that the wrong way.

“Oh no, no, no, no. It’s not Luke’s.” I start to laugh, although there’s little humor in it.

“It’s…” I pause, Adam’s name catching in my throat. My eyes become glassy as I glance at Luke. I’m not sure why I’m on the verge of an epic meltdown, but it feels like my heart is about to split in two. Obviously I know this baby is Adam’s, and I’m still learning to accept that he’s gone, but saying it out loud to an absolute stranger feels like pouring salt into a festering wound. It hurts like hell.

The silence grows, and I can tell Luke wants to save me from my embarrassment but doesn’t know how. I’m light-headed, the blood is rushing in my ears, and my stomach is rolling. I’m about to lose it in front of someone I just met.

I shake my head, then turn to Trisha. “It was so nice to meet you, but I think I’m going to be sick.” I rush to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before vomiting up what little I had eaten earlier today. I rest my head on the cool porcelain, letting the tears silently stream down my cheeks.

A few minutes later I hear the front door close quietly, then footsteps echo down the hallway. I’m too embarrassed to see if Luke is staring at me, even though I can feel his gaze. I decide to peek between my hands as I sit slumped against the wall, my elbows resting on my knees. Sure enough, Luke is leaning against the doorway staring at me, his thick arms crossed over his chest.

I pull my knees to my chest, attempting to make myself small. Or smaller, anyway. I’ve never been exactly big. At 5’2 and 120 pounds when soaking wet, there’s not much to me. But today I feel like the size of an ant that just got squished under someone’s big ugly shoe.

I’m crushed. Why do I feel like I just got slapped in the face with my dismal reality?

I’m mad, too. Furious, actually. How dare Adam leave me to raise a child by myself? How could he do that to me? The red-hot anger is boiling inside of me, threatening to take over until I make someone hurt as much as I am.

Apparently, I’m at the anger stage of this crazy grief rollercoaster.

Stupid Google.

I can handle being a widow at 23. It won’t be easy. Damn near impossible, if I’m being honest. But I can do it. With time, I can get my life back together and move forward. Pick up the broken pieces and find some semblance of normalcy.

One day.

Having a child alone, though? That feels impossible. I wish Adam were here, just so I could yell at him. Scream until my voice is hoarse. Let him feel an ounce of the pain that I’m feeling. Why would he leave me? Why would he ask me to do this by myself? Why would he make an innocent little baby grow up without a father? How dare he!

Right now, all I’m feeling is hatred toward my dead husband, which is quickly followed by throbbing guilt deep in my soul.

I know he didn’t want to leave.

But he still did.

I think I might puke again.

I heave into the toilet as the sobs wrack my aching chest, wondering if this pain will ever lessen.

I hear the doorjamb creak as Luke pushes off of it, making his way over to me. He holds my blonde hair back until I finish dry heaving.

Afterwards, he leans against the wall then slides his back down until he’s sitting next to me.

He stays silent, leaving me alone in my thoughts for a few more minutes.

As the tears continue to slide down my face, Luke’s deep voice finally breaks the silence.

“Do you remember that time, right before graduation, when I found you in the girls’ bathroom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember why you were crying?”

“Yeah,” I repeat, breaking eye contact with Luke and staring at the far wall. “My Grandma had just died, and I was afraid I would be all alone. You were going away to college, Adam’s mom was pressuring him to break up with me, again, and I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared everyone would leave me. Everything was changing, and I didn’t want to be alone.” I peek up at him. “I needed you guys.”

“And what did I tell you?” he asks quietly.

“You told me I would never be alone. You said Adam wasn’t a dumbass, and only a dumbass would break up with me.” I let out a light laugh, the tears drying on my cheeks. “You said that even though you were leaving for a little while, you would be thinking of me constantly, and that you would come back.” I pause, turning my face toward Luke once more.

“I did say that.” He pauses. “And did I come back?” he questions, his gaze piercing mine.

“Not by choice,” I reply bluntly, my earlier laughter gone.

He didn’t come back. He didn’t visit. He didn’t call. I never heard from him after he left. The only reason I ever saw him again was because his best friend died, and he was left to pick up the pieces. Me.

I stare at Luke, daring him to contradict me. He knows as well as I do that I never would’ve seen him again if it weren’t for Adam’s accident. I wasn’t worth the effort, or at least that’s how I felt. A lot of friends disappear after high school. I’m not naïve, and I couldn’t care less about the majority of them, but I thought our relationship was stronger than that. He was my best friend. The one I could talk to about anything. The one I relied on for everything. But he left, and he never looked back.

“I couldn’t come back. Not at the time.” He hesitates, breaking eye contact and running his hands over his dark hair in frustration. “But that had nothing to do with you.”

I wait for him to continue, not letting him off the hook. “Adam and I had a disagreement, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t let it go.”

“What disagreement?” I ask, my curiosity getting the best of me. I didn’t know they’d had a fight. I would remember if there was something. I know I would.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Liv. What matters is that I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to come back, I just didn’t know how. But I’m here now. I won’t let you go through this alone, okay? I promise.”

I feel my anger dissipate and rest my head on his broad shoulder as I pray that he keeps his word this time.

Luke

I’m in deep shit.

In more ways than one.

First, the whole Trisha thing. I was right in the middle of talking to her about my new roommate when Liv just had to saunter out of her room in one of Adam’s old hoodies and shorts so tiny you didn’t even know they were there due to them being swallowed whole by said hoodie.

And then, Liv just had to mention the pregnancy.

Obviously, Trisha jumped to the wrong conclusion. Her assumption got Liv so worked up, I couldn’t even focus on Trisha in order to set things straight. I practically shoved her out the door so I could check on the pregnant woman puking her guts out in my guest bathroom.

After seeing her sobbing, simultaneously breaking my heart and stirring up feelings that should definitely stay buried, I just had to promise her that I wasn’t going anywhere.

I’m not sure I can keep that promise. Not while keeping my own heart intact.

And mentioning my disagreement with Adam?

What the hell was I thinking?