When we finally reach Luke’s childhood home, I still haven’t uttered a word. I go inside, pack my bags, and request an Uber to come pick me up.

Thankfully, his family is nowhere to be seen. I think they’re at Luke’s grandparents’ house. It is still Christmas, after all.

Merry freaking Christmas.

I make my way down the stairs, my luggage in hand. Luke hears me lumbering down the steps and walks down the hall from the kitchen, eyeing my suitcases in disbelief.

“Liv. Where’re you going?” he murmurs, hesitantly. “Do you want to leave right now? I’ll go pack my stuff. Give me ten minutes and we’ll head home. My parents will understand. No big deal.” He comes over and grabs my luggage from my hands, gently placing it by the front door.

I shake my head, refusing to let any tears fall.

Not yet.

You can break down in the car, but not yet.

I close my eyes, willing the tears to disappear when I feel Luke’s strong hands cradle my face.

“Liv. Don’t cry, Sweetheart. I’ve got you,” he whispers, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, reminding me of all the times he’s caught me when he could have easily just let me fall.

I was never his to worry about. And yet, he still took on that responsibility.

A sob catches in my throat as I try to freeze this moment in time. Not the heartache that’s eating me from the inside out, but the feel of his soft lips tenderly brushing my forehead.

I shake my face in his hands, trying to pull myself together. He rests his forehead against mine.

“What are you doing, Liv? Where are you going to go?”

I shrug my shoulders, feeling the weight on them. “Doesn’t matter. Just…away. I think,” I breathe shakily.

“You can’t leave me, Liv. I need you. Don’t you know that by now? I’ve always needed you. I can’t let you go. I can’t be without you again,” he pleads, his vulnerability ripping my heart out.

I lick my lips slowly, trying to gain the courage to open my eyes and see his green ones staring back at me.

I take a deep breath before peeking at Luke, tears silently streaming down my cheeks.

“You lied to me.” He closes his eyes in shame. “Adam lied to me.” He slumps his shoulders, defeated.

“I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. All I can focus on right now is my baby who will be here within a month.” I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.

“Then let me drive you home, Liv. You need to be near Dr. Fellows.”

“I can find a doctor here. It’s not the first time someone’s moved mid-pregnancy, and it won’t be the last,” I say, steeling my resolve.

“Please, Liv. Don’t do this. I finally got you,” he whispers, his hands still cradling my face.

The moment feels so intimate, and I know I need to pull away to protect my throbbing heart, but I can’t bring myself to break free from his comforting touch. It’s like a soothing balm to my aching soul.

Let me savor him for one more minute.

I take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to think clearly while still under the spell that Luke casts on me any time we’re in the same room.

“I need to be on my own for a little while. I need to come to terms with the fact that my dead husband lied to me. That he cheated on me. That my entire marriage may or may not have been completely out of obligation. I look back on our wedding day and can’t help but wonder if his happiness was genuine, or if he was just the greatest actor in the world. I need to accept that I may never truly find the answers I’m looking for. And most importantly, I need to find a way to forgive Adam for his gut-wrenching mistake. I can’t raise Adam’s son if I’m rotting from the inside out with guilt, shame, and hatred toward his father. Guilt because I’m so angry at him. I want to yell, kick, and scream at him, but he’s not even here to defend himself, or to apologize. I feel shame because I now have to wonder, for the rest of my life, if my husband ever truly loved me. And hatred because he lied to me; he broke my heart and left me here alone to pick up the pieces. I have all these emotions fighting inside of me, and I don’t think I can focus on the man I loved who shattered me and work toward forgiving him if I’m with another man who I think I might be in love with, too.”

Luke gasps at my confession, but I continue on.

“And honestly, Luke? I’m mad at you, too. How could you keep this from me? How could you cover for him? I thought I meant more to you than that.” I swallow thickly, Luke’s warm hands catching my salty tears, his shoulders slumped in defeat as though my words physically assault him.

“I’m going to go now, Luke. I want to be with you more than anything else in the world, but I need to lay the past to rest if I ever want to be able to move forward and have a healthy relationship. And I need to figure out if I can forgive you, too.”

I hear a honk, indicating my ride is here, and gently step out of Luke’s grasp. I can’t stand to say goodbye, so I simply hold his gaze, hoping to express, without words, how much I love him, how sorry I am, and how much I’m hurting.

I can see the pain in his eyes mirroring my own. I try to contain my sobs while I pick up my luggage and carry it to the black sedan waiting in the driveway.

The car pulls onto the street as I stare out the window, watching the man I love fade into the distance.

Luke

I angrily pace the hallway, arguing with myself over the right way to handle this situation.

Do I go after her?

Give her space?

Demand she come home where she belongs?

Tell her I love her and can’t live without her?

Again.

I tried living without her before. It was hell. I can’t go back to living that way. But I will, if that’s what she thinks she needs. I would do anything for her.

Do I attempt to explain how much Adam really did love her? That he was stupid and made one childish mistake? It was inexcusable, but he was a stupid seventeen year old, and I know he regretted it.

That’s what kills me the most. How can she honestly think no one could love her? Does she really think Adam would throw away his life to be with someone he didn’t love? It wasn’t like that. I knew Adam. I saw the way he looked at her. He loved her. He was an idiot, and he made a mistake. But he loved her.

If he didn’t, he would’ve waited a few months before breaking it off. He wouldn’t have asked her to marry him, voluntarily throwing his life away out of guilt for leaving a girl behind that he didn’t really care about.

But then I question my sanity when I honestly consider defending him to her. She has every right to be angry. To hate him. To kick and scream. To curse his name.

But she’s also right that her anger will affect her baby, and how he perceives his deceased father. That her hatred will slowly eat away at her, and will possibly affect her future relationships. Hopefully one with me…if she can ever forgive me.

She had a right to know.

But Adam didn’t have the decency to tell her.

And neither did I.

I can’t idly sit back and watch her go through this alone.

Hell, Little Man could arrive any day now. I can’t leave her.

But I also need to respect her wishes.

Rock, meet hard place.

I run my fingers through my hair, cursing Susan for opening up this can of worms. But maybe it’s good that Liv finally knows the secret I’ve been carrying for far too long. She had a right to know. I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to tell her, to break her heart.

It wasn’t fair. And now I just have to hope it didn’t ruin what we could have had.

We were so close.

Why does it feel like I’ve lost her for good?