As I watch Willow trudge away, I feel like a worthless piece of shit that can’t do anything fucking right. My mood seems to get progressively worse with each step she takes. I can’t escape the brick of regret lodged in my chest. If I wasn’t such a fuckup, I would go after her. I could potentially fix the disturbing impression she has of me. When I can no longer see her from where I stand, I feel the darkness begin to descend upon me.
I can’t believe I almost lost my shit in front of her. She was seriously testing my already short fucking fuse when she wouldn’t tell me who was picking her up. Then she had to touch me. The pain that flashed across Willow’s face at my reaction made me feel like such an asshole. I could have tried explaining my response if I hadn’t been using all of my energy to stop the looming meltdown.
What could I have possibly said to make it any fucking better?
To make matters even more confusing, I didn’t feel the typical repulsiveness when Willow’s hand made contact with my skin. I yanked my arm away out of pure instinct rather than the searing pain that causes my reaction. I was shocked to find it didn’t hurt. Before I could explain anything, Willow mumbled out a completely unnecessary apology and started walking away. If anyone has stuff to be sorry for, it’s my messed up ass.
I can’t stand being touched. It feels like acid is burning my flesh then slowly ripping away from the bone. The doctors couldn’t explain the sudden onset. I refused to sit through any head shrinking sessions where they would conclude I was fucked up beyond repair. I already knew all that shit. They ended up tossing it in with all the other trauma symptoms I was suffering from. It wasn’t like I planned to be around people so what did it matter.
The more I reflect on it, the more I realize Willow’s touch was actually soothing. For one short moment, I felt a breath of peace. Then I went and fucked it all up because that’s what I do. Nothing good happens to me and I need to fucking accept it, even if Willow tries blasting her blinding light into the depths of my darkness.
Her unexpected presence disrupted the warped routine I was used to but now I’ll slink back into the abyss. There is no escape from this distorted existence I’m suffocating in. I don’t deserve any reprieve from the constant battle waging war inside my head.
Why am I still standing here? Why am I obsessing over this?
With that thought, I turn back to my house to retreat into my reality. When I try to step forward, it feels like I’m pushing against an armored wall. Almost like my feet are cemented to the ground. I have officially gone insane. I grit my teeth and plow through the invisible force field attempting to hold me captive.
The first thing I do once I get back inside is rip all the sheets off the bed. I can’t have any reminders of Willow lingering around. With the fabric crumpled in my fists, I lurch back when her scent reaches my nostrils. The distinct lavender aroma screams her name. It forces memories of countless occasions I breathed the exact perfume deep into my lungs whenever I was near her.
It smells so fucking good.
I’m powerless against the desire to inhale more of the intoxicating fragrance.
Willow shoved her way into my bleak isolation and splashed it with vibrant color. She was here for less than a full day but the impact she had on me will be unforgettable. Now she’s gone and I’m alone once again. I should be glad since this was what I wanted. Instead, I feel like my lifeless heart has been jammed in a meat grinder?
If I wanted to be real honest, slivers of hope had started forming in my dejected soul.Even though I didn’t let my impassive mask slip and show her how she was affecting me, I thought she might stay.
Why the fuck would she?
I’d been nothing but an asshole from the moment she arrived at my door.
What the fuck am I doing? I can’t handle being obsessed with her. I don’t need to be more crippled than I already am. I drop the offending scraps of tainted material and move toward to kitchen. Getting blackout wasted sounds like the best way to deal with this shit.
I realize my mistake when the images start seeping into my peripheral. I let my guard down by agonizing over Willow and now I’m going to be punished. I chug the liquor directly from the bottle to speed the process up but I know it’s too late.
The visions that flash before my eyes are appalling and cause goosebumps to form on my flesh.
Severed limbs.
Dead eyes.
Choking breath.
Blood pouring out of broken men.
The most horrific are from the few seconds of clarity I had right after the explosion hit. My brothers’ faces morphing from shock to excruciating pain. Watching their forms thrown from the vehicle without seeing where they land. The smell of their burning flesh. This is my fucking truth. I deserve this for letting Willow stay. I wish I could say I regretted it.
I didn’t think my life could get worse but I was fucking wrong.
The darkness is clawing at me and the psychotic illusions are threatening to pull me under. I take another long swig of whiskey. My brain is a scramble and I can’t fucking focus.
The shadows on the wall morph into haunting hallucinations. I dig the heel of my palms into my eye sockets. I punch my skull until I’m dizzy. I yank on my hair until my scalp burns. I can’t fucking ignore this crazy shit.
Nothing is fucking working!
I start pacing around the room, clutching my head to try and stop the madness. A stabbing sensation shoots through my temple. Why is this happening to me all the fucking time? I’m not strong enough to endure this shit for the rest of my miserable life. I know I’m the only one who survived but why am I being constantly punished?
When the noises start, I know I’m doomed. I fall to the floor and curl in on myself. My body is shaking uncontrollably and I don’t know if I’ll survive this time.
Fuck my life.