After I slam the door, I hurl my body against it out of frustration before sliding down to the floor. I bang my head against the wood because I’m still in shock over what just happened. What the fuck was she doing here? After all these years, I never expected her to just show up like we were still friends. That’s fucking laughable.
I haven’t had a friend since they all got blown up and I was left to survive in this world alone. That’s my punishment and I own that shit. They’re all dead. Gone in an instant. Buried in the cold ground. Never to breathe precious air into their lungs again. I can’t even pay tribute to their lives without having a fucking meltdown. I’m such a freak.
I don’t deserve to be cared about when they all had that privilege brutally stolen away from them. I’ll be secluded the rest of my miserable life and I won’t expect anything more. I have confined myself to solitude out here to suffer in silence. I don’t need anyone checking up on me like I’m some invalid.
I will never allow anyone to offer me comfort or relief from the hell I’m trapped in. The depressing loneliness only exacerbates my misery and reality is slipping further away each day I remain in solitude. I don’t know how fucking long I can survive without giving a shit. I can’t fucking accept these opposing existences clashing together.
I bash my head back against the thick door again, just to feel the pain. When I get started down this ugly path, it is almost impossible to stop the rage and panic from taking over. I’m such a fucking pussy. Getting all bent out of shape because she showed up. I thought today was going to be decent.
I know I should be thankful to be alive, to still feel my heart beating in my chest, but I don’t feel so lucky. I’m haunted by the horrific images of my comrades dying, the bombs blasting through the air, the screams of innocent lives ending well before their time. That shit will stick with me for the rest of my life, as it should. The wrong guys died that day and I would have gladly taken their place.
I’m ashamed that the sole survivor of my entire troop has turned into this sniveling idiot. I’m a disgrace to their memory and I can’t seem to do a damn thing about it. I can’t even have a conversation with my mother or my best friend.
It’s so fucking strange that Willow popped up out of nowhere. Her unexpected presence brings a lot of conflicted confusion that I really can’t handle. I already think about her far too often but suddenly she appeared, like a fucking ghost from my past. I could almost trick myself into believing the vision of her was another hallucination, but I couldn’t replicate her level of perfection. Willow’s enticing scent assaulted me and left my mouth fucking watering. I almost reached out to stroke her porcelain cheek until I remembered the fucking repercussions that touch would bring.
Her silky brown hair looked black against the blizzard backdrop. Her emerald irises were sparkling with mischief and curiosity, but more was hidden in their depths. If I really wanted to waste time analyzing pointless shit, I could convince myself there was love swirling in her captivating greens.
She was fucking gorgeous.
Seeing Willow again is like taking a direct hit to my chest. I loved that girl with all I had to give but never did a damn thing about it. She was always so pure and bright. What could she ever see in a loser like me? I wanted to make something of myself so I had more to offer her. I wanted to be a man she would be proud to claim.
The fantasy of us getting hitched and having a fleet of children when I was done with my tour had kept me company. I often dreamed of it on those long, lonely nights. Too bad I was always too chicken shit to tell her my feelings and now she will never know. Fuck, I missed her something fierce but I couldn’t even talk to her when she showed up at the door. I just pushed her away and hid behind my bullshit armor.
My head falls into my hands and then I yank on my hair. What the fuck have I done? The one chance I get to speak to Willow and I act like a demented moron. She sure as hell won’t be coming back. I made sure of that, just like with my mother. No point dwelling on it. Not like she would want anything to do with me once she realized what I’ve become. I’m sure she kicked up rocks with how fast she tore out of here.
I slowly stand and stretch before securing all the locks. When I glance out the window, I’m shocked to see a car in my driveway. Why is Willow still here? With a closer look, it seems her tires are spinning in the thick snow that now covers the ground. She keeps trying to move forward, which is only making the ruts she’s stuck in worse. Willow is not going anywhere anytime soon if she keeps that up.
Whether I like it or not, I’m going to have to go out there to help her. How can I do that without speaking to her?
I can’t believe this shit.
It looks like I’ll get another chance after all. How quickly can I fuck it up this time?