Once I purged all the details of the ambush, it felt like a heavy load had been lifted from my chest. Willow and I seem even closer, which I didn’t think was possible. The way she is looking at me, with so much love and faith, has my heart soaring and my cock hardening. What can I say? I’m still a fucking man. One who happens to be totally pussy whipped. When she was nestled between my legs to help me shave, it tested every last bit of my wavering control.
My mind is quietly peaceful when she stares at me like I’m her reason for living. This sense of calm hasn’t resonated within me since I left for boot camp.
That thought has a memory floating down on me.
Willow was at my house and we were watching some comedy she picked out. We were sitting way too close on the couch to be considered friendly, but that’s how we were. Willow’s head was perched on my shoulder while she skated her fingers along my forearm. She had her legs draped over my lap so my palm rested on her thigh.
I was tenting some serious wood but that was nothing new. I had a perpetual hard on for this girl and my balls had a serious case of the blues.
Willow was all I could think about but I made a pretty huge choice today, so I wasn’t able to focus on the movie for shit. A chill covered my skin when I thought of how Willow would react when I told her I’d finally decided to enlist in the military. I internally smacked myself for this wishy-washy nonsense. I cleared my throat and prepare to just blurt it out.
“Hey Wills? I wanna tell you something. Don’t freak out, all right?” She lifted her head so she could look at my face before lifting an inquisitive eyebrow. That was her confirmation to continue.
“I spoke to a recruiter for the Army today. Remember I mentioned I was considering it? Well, I’m going to join once I’m eighteen. He assured me I would remain stateside for a large portion of my contract but there’s a chance I’ll go overseas.” Pretty sure that all came out in one breath because my lungs were burning once I finished.
I heard Willow suck in a gasp halfway through my speech so I wasn’t surprised to see the concerned expression on her face. I squeezed her leg to prompt a response and she gave her head a little shake as tears clouded her sparkling eyes.
“X, I don’t know what to say. Selfishly I want to tell you not to go. I’m so scared of what will happen to you and I’ll miss you so freaking much. What am I supposed to do when you’re gone? I realize how immature that is and know you are going off to fight for our country. You’ll be the bravest, strongest, and most impressive soldier. The Army doesn’t understand how lucky they are yet but they will. I’m so proud of you!” She cuddled closer into my side and I wondered if she was trying to hide her tears. I knew this girl too well. Even if I wasn’t clued in, her sniffles would have given it away.
I wrapped my arms around her and held on tight. “Wills, nothing bad will happen to me. I know how to protect myself and I’ll have thoughts of you keeping me safe. This is just something I have to do, you know? To protect and serve. It gives me the chance to prove I’m more than just some kid. I’m not destined for college right away so this works out perfectly. Promise me you won’t overthink this.”
Her body shuddered with silent sobs so I lifted her chin to gain the attention of her emerald irises.
“Wills, I’m your best friend. Remember? I always know what’s going on in here.” I tap her temple for emphasis. “I will come back to you. Your friendship means everything to me but I have to do this. I promise to return in one piece so everything can go back to normal. Can you get on board with that?”
Willow bit her bottom lip before nodding slightly. More tears spilled down her cheeks before she collapsed into my embrace. I barely heard her speak so I couldn’t quite make out the words but they sounded a lot like, “I love you.”
My hopeful heart began beating erratically at the thought. Those words were on the tip of my tongue so it has to be my wild imagination playing tricks on me. Willow couldn’t possibly feel the same way about me.
I may not have exactly kept my promise but we made it back to each other regardless. As I kiss the top of her head and snuggle her closer into my side, I realize fate must have planned it like this. We were always destined to be together but we had to redefine us first.
Life is starting to make sense again and I couldn’t believe it. I have my Wills back.
I bet most couldn’t be satisfied with a life out in the boondocks but over the last week we kept plenty busy. We spent our time cooking meals, taking hikes, and playing Monopoly. I watched her knit several hats and I even agreed to model a few. Willow read me excerpts from her smutty books and I tried teaching her the proper way to split wood. There was also plenty of fucking. Willow referred to it as making love, and damn do I love her, but I refused to call it that in my head. I was fucking crazy about this girl but wasn’t completely ready to turn in my man card. I had to keep some of my masculinity or Willow would think I’d gone completely soft.
I quickly learned I’d do anything to see Willow smile and hear her laugh. Now, I’m so fucking gone that every piece of me belongs to her. I need to be constantly touching her because she soothes any jagged edge that threatens to surface. Waking up well rested with Willow wrapped in my arms took some getting used to, but now I need her sleeping next to me.
I would happily spend my existence just being grateful for having her in my space.
Our space.
With each additional day, the love in my chest burns brighter. The adoration and devotion I’d always kept hidden is finally broadcasted in high-definition. My heart is sparking with vibrant life now that my soul has bound to it’s other half.
Shit, I am so fucking screwed.
At least that’s metaphorically and literally. That immature thought has me chuckling to myself, which pulls me up short. Just a few short weeks ago, I was in a state of constant torment and now I’m laughing. Willow is a fucking miracle worker.
I’m so wrapped up in our exclusive paradise that I miss the signs Willow is practically waving in my face. She brings up her job frequently. She talks about the friends she met at school. Her apartment in the city. I’m blinded by the belief Willow is happy here and wants to stay with me.
Of course that isn’t a fucking realistic possibility.
We’re spending a lazy morning in bed, my fingers are stroking through Willow’s glossy brown locks while she rests her head on my chest. My other hand is busy copping a feel of her tight ass. I’m peacefully drowsy while playing ridiculously cheesy scenarios out in my mind when Willow breaks the silence and my world crashes down in fucking shambles.
“I’ve been here for almost two weeks, which is all the time I could get off work. I’ve been meaning to bring it up but it never seemed like the right time. I can’t avoid it any longer since I have to be back in the office on Monday.” She sounds robotic while smashing my heart into pieces.
My body freezes in place and my palm stalls while sliding along her scalp. My muscles lock up and I’m sure my grip on Willow’s hip is close to painful. My anger is fucking instant as reality seeps in. Just like that, she needs to fucking go. Guess there is no point in sugar-coating it.
The fury races up my throat as a roar escapes. “No! Fuck that bullshit. You can’t go back. You need to stay here because I can’t survive without you. It almost killed me last time.” I don’t care what I sound like. I need to change Willow’s mind.
“Knock this shit off, Wills. You’re happy here. I know you are. I love you. What more could you want? I’ve given you everything I fucking have!” I clutch her impossibly tighter and yank her head back so she can stare into my eyes while she destroys me.
Willow’s overly expressive eyes flood with tears. “I love you so much, Xander. You know I do. I put my whole life in the city on hold. I can only take so much vacation time at once. I need to get back to my job. Those kids need me too. I can be back Friday night and stay through Sunday. That could be our regular routine until you’re ready for more.” She’s crying while she talks, which causes her response to stumble out in a pile of garbled words. The outcome is the same regardless so it doesn’t really matter. I already fucking lost her and she’s leaving no matter what I say.
I start spewing shit right back at her. “That’s all I’ve been to you? A fucking vacation from your real life? That’s really great, Willow. I’m glad I could fucking accommodate you. I wouldn’t want to burden you further so you should leave now. Don’t bother coming back either.” I push her off me so I can sit up.
Willow’s expressive eyes echo the excruciating pain currently ripping me. More tears flow down her cheeks as her throat works overtime to swallow her bullshit. I turn my back on her grief-stricken face as I edge to my side of the bed. I grasp my skull in my hands and squeeze in an attempt to alleviate the unbearable pain.
“You don’t mean that, Xander. Don’t do this to us. You said you love me.” She places a gentle hand on my trembling shoulder. I thrash away from her caress as I stumble to my feet.
I whirl around and glare at her through narrowed slits. “I fucking love you so much that I breathe for you. You consume my every thought. You’re alive inside me. We belong together so you need to stay here. It’s not like I can fucking live in the real world. I need more time and I won’t be all right if you’re gone. Don’t throw us away.”
Willow is almost hysterical with hiccupping cries as I toss out that last ditch effort.
“I’ll be back on the weekends. I’m not giving you an ultimatum like you’re giving me. I stay here or that’s it? There is no in between? People depend on me, Xander.” Her words are a garbled mess but I’m hardly paying attention.
I’m not really hearing what she’s saying. I’m blinded by the fact that she refuses to stay with me. Willow isn’t comprehending my reasoning so why the fuck should I care about hers.
I suddenly feel rotten, fucking expired and all used up like moldy trash.
“Just fucking go, Willow.” My statement is laced with venom. I am an imposter, a fucking fraud. I appear angry and furious when really I’m crumbling inside. My chest is cracking open as my fucking heart bleeds out. This woman is my entire world but right now she’s gutting me. The edges of my vision begin to blur and my stomach clenches in fear that the demons are coming back for me. My neck is so tight that I start gasping for air. I need to get out of this suffocating house.
Willow is shaking her head as the tears flow nonstop down her blotchy cheeks. “Please, Xander. Stop and think about what you’re saying. I just need to be gone for a little while, then I’ll be back -”
“LEAVE!” I shout so loud my lungs burn from the effort. I cut off her blabbering because I can’t hear anymore of her excuses. I was a fool to believe this all could be real. What a fucking cruel joke.
I spin away from her again and storm toward the door. I wrench it open before bounding down the broken stairs. Tears blur my own vision as I head for the sanctuary of the forest.
Fuck!
What the hell have I done?