I’ve been silently freaking out waiting for Xander to be ready for our discussion. I don’t expect him to open up about everything but I would love for at least a few blanks to be filled. While he was showering, I finished cleaning and attempted to make dinner for us. The problem with that plan was the serious lack of food in this house. It was one more thing that made me really rattled about Xander’s situation.
When he joined me in the kitchen, it took colossal strength to keep the smile on my face. It was even more difficult to appear unaffected after everything that has happened today. It has seriously been the most intense afternoon of my life and it keeps getting crazier.
When I thought he was pushing me away again, I got a little defensive before downplaying my raging emotions. I went overboard with the beef jerky. Xander probably thinks I’m losing my marbles and he wouldn’t be far off.
I’ll be so relieved if he lowers his guard enough for us to truly know each other again. I won’t be so moody and unstable around him once we have more common ground. That is what bothers me the most about all of this, as selfish as that sounds. I desperately miss my best friend and I want our connection back. Obviously I want so much more than that but I figure we can start slow. If we can build the trust back, maybe I’ll be comfortable finally confessing my love for him.
Maybe I’m being too pushy and forward with my actions but if I’m not, Xander would probably go back to total isolation. I cannot let that happen. Even though all this unpredictability it’s making me mental, I can tell I’m helping him by being here.
I’m standing outside while Xander finishes whatever he’s doing inside. I’m eager to get going and hopefully resolve some of this excessive stress that is constantly bubbling under my skin. The barriers between us are problematic but our connection is stronger. I need to be patient though our status is complicated and complex. For starters, I didn’t even know how long I was invited to stay.
I look up as Xander slams the door and stomps down the rickety steps. Once he’s by my side, I can practically see the nerves rippling off him. What a perplexing pair we make. Both of us all flustered and hectic since we no longer have the effortless ease between us.
“Where to, boss man?”
Boss man? Seriously?
Face meet palm. I’m internally bashing myself as soon as the words are out of my mouth but I’ve always owned my quirks. Xander used to like that about me. My goofiness only gets worse when I’m worried, which is probably some unconscious coping strategy. Xander better speak up and save me from myself.
He snorts and shakes his head.
Maybe I broke the tension a bit.
“Let’s head that way.” He waves his hand toward some random destination over his left shoulder. “There’s a path to a place I think you’ll enjoy.”
We stand there for an awkward moment, neither of us making the first move. I stare up into his amazing blue eyes and wait him out. Soon enough Xander steps out of the way and motions me forward.
Such a gentleman. I can only hope he’ll check out my butt while he’s back there.
My inner monologue is so cheesy as those ridiculous words scroll through my mind. I’m startled out of my musings when Xander clasps his hand around mine. Holy crap, I think my heart is about to beat out of my chest. He actually initiated contact! This is huge. What does this mean?
I’m going to overanalyze the crap out of this.
I try to take a sneak peek at Xander out of the corner of my eye but he’s already looking my way. My entire body heats up as tingles spread from head to toe. I feel the traitorous pink blossom on my cheeks, efficiently exposing my sheer delight. I’m so giddy over such a simple gesture but I’ve been waiting years for Xander to causally hold my hand.
“Is this okay?” He asks while holding our joined hands up. He sounds so vulnerable and stares at me with such longing. He’s being honest and open, which shines from his stunning irises. It causes a swarm of butterflies to erupt in my belly.
I’m nodding like a fool before I can get the words out. “Yes. Of course. I like it a lot, Xander.” My voice is a breathy rasp that belongs in the bedroom. Gosh, I’m a hot mess. At least he doesn’t catch on to my giddy-girl struggle. I need to get my head in the game because this is all about Xander.
It’s hard to tell with all that facial hair in the way but I swear a ghost of a smile just graced Xander’s lips. Tears blur my vision momentarily at the flurry of emotion this man has been revealing today. My long-kept secret almost bursts from my lips but I clamp my jaw shut. Instead I focus on supporting him through this awful stage of traumatic grief.
Our boots crunch through the snow as we continue on our expedition. White decorates almost every surface, which creates an angelic setting. It matches the soothing silence that can only be found far from the city. It is very beautiful and peaceful. I can definitely see the appeal of living out here. I appreciate the natural beauty surrounding us from all sides. Xander could be using the expansive wilderness to hide but I hope he’s getting more out of it than that.
We duck under a few trees and cut through some rough terrain before Xander pulls me to a stop. He’s brought me to a type of clearing in the center of the woods and it takes my breath away for a moment.
The trees provide shelter from the elements so the ground is fairly free of winter slush. Colorful leaves decorate the forest floor and it reminds me of a fall themed rainbow. A narrow stream flows nearby and offers a delicate acoustic tone. It all molds together to create the perfect escape from harsh reality. I totally get it. If I were a photographer, I would dedicate an entire exhibit just to this serene space.
Xander releases my hand and steps over to a large shrub. I miss the connection instantly. He pulls a chair from under the branches and shakes off the debris. That’s super random but a perfect topic to begin a discussion.
“Xander, this place is amazing. Seriously. Do you come out here often? And what’s with the chair?” I stammer slightly, since I’m not sure what to expect.
He plops the seat down and motions for me to sit.
“I consider this my solace. It’s a great spot to collect my runaway thoughts and just be still for awhile. I get a semblance of normal. If I have to discuss uncomfortable shit, I would prefer being somewhere I like.” Xander’s tone already holds an edge and I’m concerned about his willingness to share much.
“This doesn’t have to be a huge deal. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you. I really think talking about it will help but you don’t need to tell me anything.” I can tell he’s anxious and I want to soothe his nerves, yet I really want him to push past these barriers so we can move forward.
“We can start slow, Xander. Let’s not talk about the army or your time overseas. Obviously that’s too much. Will you tell me about your tattoo?” I ask the question easily. I could be opening a painful can of worms by asking but I’m dying of curiosity.
When my words register, Xander’s face pales and his mouth gapes slightly. As though it’s an absolute surprise I want to know about his ink of all things. I thought it was a safe subject to address but maybe not. He should be aware of my burning need to know why he chose that skillfully gnarled tree. My body hums with fire as I recall the tangled pattern adorning his immaculate right side.
Xander fidgets uncomfortably for a second, his hands curling into tight fists before easing open again. His forehead furrows as a grimace covers his face. His lips open a few times as if to speak but then he closes them again. It’s all up to him and what he wants to admit.
He takes a deep breath in preparation and forces a loud exhale past his lips. Xander tips his face toward the sky before pulling the pin from the grenade.
“The design is a tribute to the only girl I’ve ever loved.”