Annie and Brett had done the retrieval and fertilization on their own. It seemed awkward to intrude, like it was the equivalent of watching them have sex in some distorted way. The days after were agonizingly slow. The two of us made a point of spending more time together, meeting daily for lunch, but today, the four of us were making the call to find out how many embryos we had to transfer. We all sat anxiously waiting for each other to finish eating, but no one touched their food, and we finally gave in to the call. I tried to concentrate on what the embryologist was telling us, but all I heard was the magic number.

Three.

That one little word, a simple number—in nine months, Annie and Brett would have a child, and I would have given back to the world what I’d taken. We’d prayed for three; we got three. The signs all pointed toward success.

Dan and Brett fired questions at the person on the other end of the call, but Annie caught my attention. Her eyes filled with tears that spilled down her cheeks and over her smile. Together, we’d broken our cycles. I was no longer the taker of life; I got the chance to be the giver.

After the embryo transplant, I’d been put on bed rest to give them the best chance at implanting. We didn’t have a confirmed pregnancy, but for some reason, Dan had morphed into a protective beast that needed to be chained. I loved the attention, reveled in his command, but he was driving Annie bonkers. She had taken off work to stay home with me after the transfer, and somehow Dan ended up at my house too. His allergies were out of control, but he refused to leave. He was popping Benadryl like an addict and resembled a bloated puffer fish.

He refused to let me do anything for myself, insisting bedrest meant never leaving the bed. I was surprised he wasn’t making me pee in a bottle. The idea was not to jostle the eggs so they would implant in the uterus, not to drive me insane.

“Dan, you can’t stay here with your allergies like that. Why don’t you just let Annie come back? Or we could go to your house. I can leave enough food and water out for Cosmo to be all right for a couple of days.”

“You’re not moving.”

“And when you can’t breathe, then what?”

“I’m fine, Lissa. I’m not leaving you alone.”

“You do know you can’t be with me one hundred percent of the time during this pregnancy, right?”

“Don’t remind me.”

I laughed when he groaned. It wouldn’t have been funny if he hadn’t been overreacting, but as it stood, I had been alone for a long time and done just fine.

“This would be a lot easier if we lived together. Then I’d know I was coming home to you, and you weren’t out in the country miles from medical help.”

Dan was loopy from the medication he’d been downing all day. Never once had he mentioned wanting to live together prior to this. Someone else’s pregnancy was not a reason to take that leap.

“So, you want to live like that,” I waved my hand around indicating his swollen face, “forever?”

“No. I made an appointment with an allergist to start getting shots. Hopefully, that will eliminate the problem.”

I shot straight up. “You did what?”

“It’s just shots, Lissa. It’s not a big deal. You love Cosmo, he secretly wants to kill me in my sleep, and somehow, we have to find a way to co-exist. This is my peace offering to the varmint.” He shot me a sheepish grin.

“At what point were you going to mention any of this? What if I don’t want to live with you?” The lilt in my voice gave me away. I enjoyed taunting him, but he knew I loved him. The only time marriage had come up he’d left me with two words. We’re good. I didn’t know what that meant then, and I don’t know what his getting allergy shots means now. I wasn’t interested in living with a man who didn’t have further intentions, and I wasn’t bringing that subject up again, either.

“You’ll change your mind.” His confidence was humorous. “Women adore me. Guys want to be me. And you can’t resist me.”

“You’ve lost your mind.” I flopped back down as though I were disinterested, but I was anything but. In some ways, Dan and I were doing everything backward. Before starting this process, there had been no mention of us taking our relationship to another level. Now, I couldn’t help but wonder if he were doing it because of what I was doing for his friends. I didn’t want to be with him because of what I’d offered Annie and Brett. I wanted him to want to be with me because he loved me. The only problem was, he loved the version of me I’d allowed him to know, not the truth behind who I actually was—or the shame of my past.

“We can talk about it later. You’re not in the right frame of mind. I’m sure cultivating a nesting ground for eggs to grow is hard work. Just lie back and look pretty so Mother Nature can make your uterus what she needs it to be…or wait, is it modern science doing that?”

I threw a pillow at his head, which he managed to dodge before he sat down on the floor in front of me and stole the remote. My eyes lingered on him as he surfed the channels looking for something to watch. Daytime television left a lot to be desired. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep, I noticed Cosmo crouched down beside the chair getting ready to pounce. I smirked thinking Dan was his prey.

* * *

Two weeks later, I’d gone in for the beta pregnancy test. Today we would get the results. Thankfully, Dan had been forced to go back to work, and I’d resumed my normal schedule, as had Annie and Brett. But today, I stayed home, and Annie called in. We were both far too anxious to bother with our jobs. Annie had spent the morning complaining about Brett and that jackass Gray, who was still lurking in the shadows of her life. I’d warned her not to open that can of worms, but she hadn’t listened to me and was now paying the price.

I agreed, this time, Brett was out of line. She’d set Gray straight, told him exactly how things were not going to be, but Gray had baited Brett, taunting him to think she’d lied to him. Brett fed into Gray’s games, and here it was, wreaking havoc on their marriage. If I were Annie, I’d just apologize and move on, but she refused to budge. I hated for this day to be ruined by something so trivial, but I couldn’t deter her. When Brett sent me a text asking if he could come by early, I’d kept it to myself but gave him the go ahead.

We were sitting on the front porch when Brett pulled up. The moment Annie saw him, she stood and walked toward her husband without saying a word.

“What are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming until this afternoon.”

I couldn’t see her face, but I could tell by her tone, she was glad he’d made an effort to make amends before they learned their fate in a few hours.

“I couldn’t stay focused and wanted to see if I could hijack you for a little while.”

I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but they were only a few feet away, and I was too lazy to go in the house. “Take her!” It seemed like a good thing to holler.

“Apparently, I’m free. Did you have anything in mind?”

“Just wanted to be with you. And I have a little something for you.”

“Want to go for a walk? There are miles of country road available.”

I watched as he took her hand, and together they moved toward the gravel road, the crunch of the rocks under their feet and the sounds of nature filled the air. Dan arrived shortly before they came back. I had no idea what they’d done with the hours they were gone, but everything appeared to be right in their world so it must have been worth it.

Promptly at four o’clock, we all huddled around my dining room table with Annie’s phone on speaker between us. The only thing that mattered in this call were the HCG levels. Without them, there was no pregnancy. Fifty indicated one pregnancy, two hundred or higher, and we’re having multiples. With the rosary in my pocket, I secretly worried the beads as we waited for the news.

I released the chain in favor of us all holding hands in a circle, while we waited for the nurse to pick up the line.

“Hey, guys.” Her voice was chipper when it finally replaced the hold music. “Do we have everyone on the line?”

Brett took the lead. “Yeah, all four of us are here.”

“Let me pull up Lissa’s file. Give me just a second.”

Her tone had indicated she had good news, but when she had to retrieve the file, I wasn’t sure she’d even looked at the lab work.

“Everything looks good, guys. Labs are great.”

Annie took a deep breath beside Brett but hadn’t let it back out.

“HCG levels?” Brett was anxious. This was the moment of truth.

“Looks like fifty-two. Congratulations. You guys have made it over the first hurdle. We’ll need to do another blood test in a few days to ensure the HCG levels are continuing to rise, but other than that, the next step is to schedule an ultrasound for Lissa at the six-and-a-half-week mark to check for the heartbeat, but this is all very encouraging.”

The call was transferred to make the next appointment. I knew Annie was disappointed, the tears on her cheeks were evidence, but we had beaten the odds having success on the first try.

Brett opened his mouth to speak to his wife, but before he could get a word out, she turned to me. Her delicate hand covered her heart, and she blinked away the tears pooled in her eyes.

“Thank you. I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’re doing for us.”

She believed I’d done something incredible for her, but she’d never know what she’d done for me. “I’m sorry it’s not twins, Annie.”

“Oh no, don’t be. I would have been thrilled with twins, but I’m so excited with one, I could explode.” Annie rose from the table and came to me. Emotions laced our embrace, only no one else knew exactly what mine were. Annie finally pulled back. “Only thirty-eight more weeks to go.”

Dan and Brett groaned simultaneously, but they were both happy with the outcome. The only thing that mattered for the next nine months was protecting the life inside me.

* * *

Thirty-eight weeks had seemed like a long time the day we sat waiting on the hormone levels, but eighteen weeks later, the time had flown by. I caught myself talking to the baby when no one was around, and caressing my belly. I practically lived with headphones on my stomach in an effort to instill the love of classical music before birth. It wasn’t my child, but I wanted to give it so much. There were so many things I wanted to share with him or her but knew I’d never get that chance as a parent. I could only hope I could do it with the time I was guaranteed while I was pregnant, or that Annie and Brett gave me that opportunity when the baby arrived.

There’s something women aren’t prepared for that pregnancy brings, that pre-birth bond that only exists between the mother and child, no one else can ever experience it. While this wasn’t my child, the bond was still there. There’s never a moment after conception, until birth, the woman is alone. There’s another heart beating inside of her body. I’ve told this baby all about Joshua. I’ve confessed my darkest secrets, I’ve shared my joy. Parts of that were cathartic, freeing in a way that felt unfair to Joshua’s memory. But this child was the only person on earth I could remember Joshua with—no one else had ever known him. No one else would ever know what my heart sounded like from the inside. No one else would ever share the blood that pumped through my veins. No one other than this child would ever share the bond those things brought.

Dan’s door slamming startled me. I’d gotten here before he had, but he never came home angry.

“Dan?”

“Penny, where are you?”

“Kitchen.” I had compositions all over the table and counter; there wasn’t a bare spot in sight.

He kissed my lips before setting aside a stack that had been in the chair next to me.

“What’s wrong?” I kept working or trying to work through pregnancy brain while I waited for his answer.

“Brett and Gray got into a fight at work today.” His hair stuck straight up after running his hand through it. “Don’t tell Annie.”

I slid my glasses off and set my pen down. “As in a physical altercation?”

“Yeah. While Brett was out of town, Gray showed up at their house and scared Annie. Brett’s livid and has had enough. He’s out for blood.”

“No one got hurt, did they?”

“No, but if I see Gray in a dark alley, I can’t say he’ll ever see the light of day again.”

I swatted at his chest. I knew he wasn’t serious, or I hoped he wasn’t.

“I don’t like her being alone in that house.”

I put my glasses back on and resumed what I’d been doing. “She’s almost never alone. Brett lives there, silly.”

“You know the house next door is for sale?”

Slowly, I glanced back up, not sure I’d heard him correctly, or maybe he hadn’t meant to imply what I thought he had. “I didn’t know you were considering moving?”

“I know you love the house, you’ve commented on it several times. And living next door to Annie would be like a girl’s dream come true, right? Once the baby is born, all you’ll have to do is walk across the lawn to see both of them.”

He wasn’t moving; he was trying to sell me on the idea of moving. Dan lived a few minutes from Brett and Annie, but I was over thirty minutes from both of them and almost an hour from work. It wasn’t Annie he didn’t want to be alone; he didn’t want me out in the sticks. “I’m not interested in selling my house, Dan. Annie has a husband who can take care of her. I’m fine here.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed heavily when he swallowed. “What if we both sold our houses and bought that one together?”

I scoffed at his suggestion. “Dan, you don’t want to buy a house together just so Annie isn’t threatened by Gray.”

“No, I don’t. I want to buy a house together because I love you and want to wake up next to you every morning. And because I want to go to sleep wrapped up in each other every night.”

I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t a proposal, but it was a huge commitment, one that said he was in this for the long haul. But I’d been down this road before. Matt and I had bought a house knowing someday we’d get married, and it made sense. I didn’t want to just make sense. I wanted the happy ever after. Just as the thought crossed my mind, I felt the flutter in my belly, the baby moving. That tiny reminder of what I wanted out of life. It would put me next door to the child I’d never be able to call my own. It would give me the opportunity to be an active part of that little being’s life. It wasn’t a diamond ring or a marriage certificate, but it was a ray of hope that somehow, I might right my wrongs.

“Okay, make an appointment with the real estate agent for us to see it. I’m not making any promises, but we can go look.”

He grabbed by face in his hands and kissed me with more passion than he had since we’d found out I was pregnant. He’d been so afraid of hurting the baby or me that he’d gone celibate. I hadn’t fought it because I wanted to protect this life, even though I knew sex wouldn’t hurt me. As quickly as the kiss started, it ended with him scooping me in his arms and carrying me to my bed.

Dan made love to me long into the morning, teasing me, bringing me right up to the edge, just to back off and push the envelope again. By the time we’d both given in to the release, I was exhausted and fell asleep in his arms.

The next morning, Dan got the number for the real estate agent from Brett and made an appointment to see the house. Before we left, we made an offer and secured her to list both of our houses. We were taking a huge leap of faith that we’d be able to sell them in time to close on the house next door to our friends, but in my heart, I knew it would work out. What I didn’t know was what we were going to do with a four thousand square foot house with five bedrooms and a bonus room over the garage.

That night, the real estate agent called us back to present the counter offer from the seller. After multiple rounds of negotiation, we had a contract and would soon be living next door to our best friends. Hopefully, we would be doing that without two extra mortgages. I couldn’t wait to call Annie, but when I finally got her on the phone the next day, she wasn’t the least bit surprised, even if she was excited.

* * *

Living between two houses, both of which were constantly being shown by real estate agents, while being pregnant with someone else’s child, on top of working full time, was becoming too much. As we approached the growth and anatomy ultrasound, my anxiety began to ratchet and concealing it became harder. I had no idea how I’d hide any of it from Dan once we lived together.

The hormones and my guilty conscious were creating far more turmoil in my life than I’d anticipated, and my outlets were few and far between. The shower had become my favorite place to cry because it was one of the only times I was ever alone anymore. I’d wanted friends, someone to love me, and I was grateful for them, but I’d been on my own for years, and adjusting had suddenly become difficult. Dan already worried enough about my safety, the baby’s, but if he knew the emotional mess I became every morning, he might have a heart attack.

I’d stayed at Dan’s house more often than not these days for convenience. He was closer to work and the doctor’s office, but I wanted the comfort of home. I had dallied long enough that he’d showered without me while I was out running. There would come a time in the pregnancy when even that wouldn’t be safe, and I feared it would be sooner rather than later. I toed off my shoes in the bedroom, stripped myself of the sweaty clothing that clung to me in all the wrong places, and jumped in for what needed to be a quick shower.

The warm water loosened my tired muscles and soaked my hair. As I worked in the shampoo and closed my eyes, I worried about my reaction to seeing that baby inside me the closer we got to the ultrasound. Terrified I’d fall in love with something that didn’t belong to me, I wasn’t excited to see the little bundle of joy. I wanted to know the baby was safe and healthy, but the visual scared me. I’d been far too careless with life and worried constantly about hurting this one. Maintaining the easy-going attitude for Annie and Brett was difficult without any downtime. The baby moved reminding me just how real all of this had become, and I couldn’t have stopped the tears if I had wanted to.

My hands wandered mindlessly across my belly as though somehow the baby could feel them and sensed my attempt to soothe it. But the tears kept coming, and my legs started to shake. I sat on the tiny corner seat and let the spray wash them away. My shoulders shook with silent sobs. In my quest to pay for my sin, I felt as though I’d given up on keeping Joshua’s memory alive. I worried about the fall out with Dan and my friends if my secret ever became public. But primarily, I’d opened wounds that had never healed—they’d only been hidden by a veil of secrecy.

“Lissa, baby, what’s wrong?”

I hadn’t heard him come in and had no idea how long he’d watched me cry. Dan didn’t wait long for my reply before he stripped off the jeans he was wearing and came in.

“Talk to me.” He couldn’t bear to see me upset. If only he knew just how deep this ran.

“I’m okay. It’s just the hormones.” I tried to wave him off and plaster a fake smile on my face, but he knew me too well. Dan paid far closer attention to my needs than I gave him credit for. Matt wouldn’t have bothered getting in, he would have waited for me to get out, and when I told him I was fine, he would have believed me.

But Dan wasn’t Matt.

He shifted me to change positions and pulled me into his embrace on his lap. I sobbed into the crook of his neck wondering how I’d ever survive when he left. If I didn’t get my crap together, he would know there was something I was hiding, and when he found out, he’d align with Brett and Annie on the opposite side.

“Is this about Brett and Annie not wanting to find out the gender of the baby?”

They’d talked to us last night about letting that portion of the ultrasound remain a secret. It hadn’t fazed me in the slightest. But when Annie started talking about finding out when the baby was born, and not having a doctor announce the gender, it wasn’t the sex of the baby that had me panicked—it was the idea of stepping foot into another hospital. Death loomed there, and I refused to allow the grim reaper to take this life from my friends.

I shook my head in response to Dan’s question. When my body stopped shaking, and my tears relented, he pulled back enough to search my bloodshot eyes. “Sweetheart, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what has you so upset.”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I hadn’t successfully removed the emotion or the plea from my voice.

“Where did you think you were going to have a baby?” He laughed in playful pacification.

“I didn’t think about it. All I thought about was helping Annie, but now, that threat is becoming very real, and I don’t want to do it.”

He had no idea his chuckles were upsetting me, nor why they would. Dan assumed I was an emotional wreck due to pregnancy hormones…and that wasn’t his fault.

“Please stop laughing. Whether you think it’s valid or not, the fear is real.”

A blank stare washed over his features when he realized how serious I was. “Okay. I’m sorry. Surely there are other options. Don’t people have babies at home? Like in a bathtub or something? Maybe we could do that.”

“Water births?”

“Hell, I don’t know what they’re called, I just know I’ve been unfortunate enough to see them play videos at the doctor’s office you go to.”

The idea seemed perfect to me even in its infancy. “Do you think Annie and Brett would go for it? I’m surprised you would.”

“I don’t know why they wouldn’t, if you’d have a medical professional with you. And you’re right, if it’s not safe, if your doctor doesn’t agree with it as a viable option, I won’t be supportive. But today is the perfect day to ask the questions.”

He’d eased enough of my anxiety to get out of the shower. The faster I dried my hair and got dressed, the sooner I could start researching water births. It didn’t take me long to have my hopes set on delivering at home. Only two things stood between me and childbirth in my living room—Annie and Dr. Matthews. But with what I’d spent the last hour reading, Annie would be the harder of the two to convince—or so I thought.

I needed to talk to her before the ultrasound tomorrow so we could all discuss options with our OBGYN together. My finger hovered over her name on my phone before I finally pressed send.

“Hey, Liss. What are you guys up to this morning?”

There was no smooth way to ease into this topic, so I opted to blurt it out. “Would you consider a water birth instead of going the traditional route?”

“I hadn’t thought about it. Do you not want to have the baby in a hospital?”

I evaded that question and launched into the speech I had mentally prepared in hopes of convincing her to do things my way. “I’ve been reading about home births and how much calmer and more relaxing they are for the woman and the child—not having drugs pumped into me which then reach the baby before delivery or the impersonal feel of the hospital. But what I thought would be most appealing for all of us, is everyone would be able to witness the birth. You could be in the pool to catch the baby, be the first one to hold your child, be the first to know if it was a boy or a girl. Brett could cut the cord, and Dan could be with me, too, which he wouldn’t be able to do at the hospital because they only allow two other people in the room… Is that crazy?”

“I could catch the baby?”

I’d used her weakness against her to save myself from my demons. It was wrong on many levels, but ultimately, it would be a solitary moment Annie got with her child, a secret she’d hold for a brief blip of time before anyone else knew. It seemed perfect and helped me.

“In all the videos I watched, the father was in the pool at the end with the mother, so I don’t know why it couldn’t be you instead?”

Her breath hitched on the other end. I knew she was crying but hoped they were tears of joy at the possibility of being more involved in the delivery and not her worried about how she would tell me I was an idiot for making such an outlandish suggestion.

“I think that would be perfect, Lissa. I’ll talk to Brett so if he gives it the go-ahead we can try to talk to Dr. Matthews.”

I never had to mention the financial benefits of not incurring a hospital stay, or any of the fifteen other details I’d left out of my proposal. If Annie were in, Brett would give her whatever she wanted.

Two hours later, Annie called back to tell me Brett thought the idea made sense for everyone, and she’d talked to Dr. Matthews, who had given her the name of the midwife he worked with for home births. Her name was Meegan, and Annie and I had an appointment to meet her this afternoon.