We all piled into the exam room for the ultrasound. I hopped up on the table trying to exude excitement when I struggled with overwhelming grief. Each step of this process reminded me of when I had experienced it before. Matt and I had been overjoyed to see our baby on the screen, but now I was concerned about my reaction when I was bombarded by the past.

The easiest thing for me to do was go through the motions focused only on what I was told to do. We were here for Annie and Brett. If I found personal healing through any of this, that would be fantastic, but the end goal was to give back, restore what I’d taken that hot summer day in Texas.

With my back on the table, I lifted my shirt and tucked it under my bra. I glanced down at my swollen stomach, and a mournful grin took over my features. To the outsider, it probably appeared to be subtle happiness that came with pregnancy, but my stomach was a reminder of my first pregnancy…and why I was doing this. Annie watched me until the technician put the gel on my rounded bump, and then she turned her attention to the television screen in the corner of the room. The lights were dim, but I could see Brett’s hand on her leg, and Dan held mine when the baby came into focus. His strong grip reassured me I wasn’t alone in this. Even if he didn’t know my past, he was part of my present and my future. I tried to focus on that instead of the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry.

With each organ the sonographer identified, we were one step closer to seeing there was a healthy, whole child swimming around inside me. The whoosh of the baby’s heartbeat held my attention for longer than it should, but it confirmed life. Two legs, two arms, tiny toes and fingers—everything was there, exactly as it should be. I was in awe watching the little guy, or girl, move to avoid the ultrasound wave, feeling him or her turn inside me. I could see Dan from the corner of my eye but kept my stare trained on the image. He watched me in wonder. There was a hint of a grin at the corners of his mouth, but I knew he was proud of what I had done for his friends, not excited by the baby itself. His pride in me kept me from falling over the edge.

I struggled not to cry, not to feel the weight of regret and grief. I could never replace Joshua, and wouldn’t try, but something about offering a child to two people who so desperately wanted one gave purpose to the one I’d taken. Had I never lost Joshua, I wouldn’t be here in South Carolina. Annie and Brett wouldn’t be my friends. And Dan wouldn’t be part of my life. I’d be married to my son’s father and living in Wimberley, Texas—the wife of an Army sniper. While I never would have known the difference then, the reality was I knew it now. I would never have chosen this path, but if I trained my attention on the blessings I’d been given since losing my son, I couldn’t deny God gave me gifts I hadn’t deserved.

Dan leaned over to whisper in my ear. His breath was warm on my skin and reminded me I wasn’t alone anymore. I was more than a baby incubator to this man. He loved me. “I’m so proud of you, Penny. I’ve never seen Annie so happy.” He kissed my temple before settling back in his chair to wait out the viewing.

Annie’s eyes glistened with tears, but the smile from ear-to-ear reassured me of just how happy she was. I’d swear she bonded with that baby sitting in the tiny exam room. Like somehow seeing him or her made this real; whereas, before, it was just an idea…even though I’d gained twenty pounds on that thought.

When the technician was done, she handed us copies of the pictures and gave Annie a disc of the entire screening. Dan helped me wipe the clear jelly off my stomach and sat me up, never relinquishing his grasp on my hand. When I lowered my shirt, I noticed Annie falter and brace herself on Brett’s arm for support just before she launched herself into the bathroom across the hall. The three of us waited outside the exam room, concerned about what had just happened.

“She’s not eating well, and the stress is starting to get to her.” The worry in his tone was crystal clear. “I think she needs to see her counselor, but for whatever reason, she’s not going for it.”

Before either of us could respond, the beautiful brunette emerged from the lady’s room. Her face was washed out, and I tried to lighten the mood. “I’m the one who’s pregnant, but you’ve got the morning sickness.” I chuckled hoping she would smile.

It was a weak response but there just the same. I let go of Dan’s hand and linked arms with her leaving the men trailing behind us. Her color returned by the time we reached the parking lot. If she was stressed, I wanted to give her something to look forward to, something to celebrate, but the only thing that came to mind was a baby shower. I wanted to believe it was just for her, but I needed it, too.

With the four of us standing in the parking lot prepared to go our separate ways for the day, I approached her with the idea. “Annie, what do you think about having a party instead of a baby shower?”

“I’m down. I haven’t really told any of my friends.”

“Seriously?” My voice was an octave higher than normal.

She shrugged as if it wasn’t odd she hadn’t told the world she and her husband were expecting a baby. Hell, maybe she was embarrassed by the fact it took a surrogate to get the child here.

“Like no one knows?” I remained baffled, not quite sure I had understood her correctly.

“Our parents do, and you guys. But other than that, no, I haven’t told anyone.”

“Annie, your friends will flip. You’re going to have a baby in a few months. They’re going to be so happy for you. We need to do this. Please?” I hated to whine, but Annie needed something to excite her…and if I benefitted from the distraction that wouldn’t be so bad either.

“Penny…” Dan’s tone issued a warning without calling me out.

“I think it would be fun. But I want to wait until we’re through the second trimester.”

She thought the rest of us were oblivious to her reasons for wanting to wait, but I wasn’t. Dan and Brett might be, but she wasn’t fooling me. Once I was past twenty-seven weeks, the baby would be viable outside the womb. I counted those days as closely as she did.

“Oh, oh. Can we have it at Hooters? Maybe we can rent the whole place out and eat wings until we puke.” Annie’s face was animated as she bounced from foot to foot in excitement. I’d never seen her giddy, but this was borderline.

“First of all, you don’t like wings, and second, why in the hell would you want to go to Hooters for a baby party?” Brett was clearly amused by her suggestion.

“So your dumb friends might actually show up. And I do like wings.” She corrected her husband, but I didn’t think she liked them either. We’d never gone to a wing place that I could recall. An odd expression crossed her face before she said anything else. “Men don’t like anything with the word baby attached to it. But they do love boobs—funny since those frequently have babies attached to them—and sports and beer. I don’t want to do a baby shower, but this way we could get all of our friends together and celebrate. They can even drink.”

“In all the time we’ve been together, there’s only been one time you ever ate wings.” Brett wasn’t letting this go, but her death glare stopped the conversation that took place in front of Dan and me.

I interrupted to save Brett from whatever harm Annie might invoke on him when they left here. “People can still bring gifts if they want to, though, right? You have to get presents.”

“I don’t know, Lissa. That just seems weird to me. If I were carrying the baby, it would be awkward at best, but this way just seems…I don’t know—gauche.”

“Whatever.” I flipped my long hair over my shoulder effectively dismissing her argument. “I’m telling people to bring you stuff. And since you’re the mother, I get to play hostess.” A devious smile crept across my face.

I wasn’t sure Brett would go for me hosting the shower since I was carrying the baby, but the truth was, if Annie had been carrying the child, I would host it, so I didn’t see the difference. Thankfully, Dan came to my rescue. “I think it should be our gift to the new parents.”

“The only way I will agree to this is if we all do it together.” Annie held firm, and I gave in.

It was decided. And Hooters would be the location.

* * *

I shouldn’t have been surprised by how well attended the party was at Hooters. After weeks of planning, Annie and I had pulled off what I hoped would be a fun evening. We both needed it. The stress of displaying one emotion to people I was closest to while harboring another internally was far more difficult than I had anticipated. Somehow, in my mind, I’d believed the process of this pregnancy would be like it had been with Joshua. And it was for Annie and Brett, but for me, each milestone brought memories of a life that was now gone. And with each one, I forced myself to work through the emotions as they came, but it was increasingly more difficult with Dan or Annie always hovering. Dan was so overprotective the only time I managed to get five feet from him was when I went to work.

I hoped tonight would bring more joy to the situation as we celebrated the baby growing inside me. While I wanted to remember the life that brought me here, I needed to find a way to rejoice in my ability to do this for my friend. It was difficult to find happiness in their family growing while knowing I’d never have the same for myself. But this was for the best. I didn’t have to worry about being irresponsible, or making poor decisions. I would get to see this child thrive with my friends, who would be perfect parents. Dan and I could be phenomenal godparents without the restrictions of children—it was the best of both worlds. I knew he would adore this child as much as I would, and together, we would shower this child with love that would forever connect us to our friends.

When Dan and I walked in, I took note of all the people in the room I didn’t know. I hadn’t met any of Brett and Dan’s co-workers and had only hung out with Annie’s friends sporadically. Luckily, they all embraced me like they’d known me for years. Annie wasn’t here yet, but they had no problem circling me, dizzy with excitement. They hadn’t had long to get used to the idea I was carrying their friend’s child, but they all welcomed the situation and brought me into their fold.

Dan kissed my temple and left me with Lynn, Jenny, and Scarlett to say hello to the people he worked with. Jenny pointed out Annie’s parents, then Brett’s, and Scarlett and Lynn told me who the players were among the co-workers and how they fell into the game. My mouth hung open when I was introduced to the elusive Gray Dearsley.

It was evident how Annie had been lured in by his charm and charisma, but I knew he couldn’t be trusted. Somehow, the way he looked at women, when he made eye contact, they all fell into his trance, myself included. His eyes were hypnotic, and I finally understood why it had been so difficult for her to break free. The way he spoke of her, to a stranger, clearly indicated he still harbored feelings, but I kept my thoughts to myself as he recounted how they’d met.

Lynn rolled her eyes at the stories he told before she finally intervened. “You seem to have a very distorted recollection of how events took place, Gray. Let’s not idealize or romanticize your relationship with Annie.”

She was trying to remain calm, but it was clear she would put him in his place if need be.

“Gray, this isn’t about you tonight. She’s not yours, and neither is that baby.” Lynn took a protective stance next to me, as though she thought she had to shield me from Gray’s trance.

He didn’t have a chance to respond before Dan came up beside him and ushered him away from the group to talk to him. I watched the way Dan’s expression changed, the way his hands and arms became animated in what I assumed was a warning. It was difficult to see Gray’s face, but the way he casually tipped his beer back as he listened to Dan indicated he wasn’t taking the words to heart. Just before Dan walked away, Gray held both his hands up as if surrendering to Dan. I hoped he’d gotten through to Annie’s ex. I could only imagine what his caution entailed knowing how much he cared for his best friend’s wife, how much he loved me, and how critical the safety of this baby was to all of us.

Before I could think any further into what was going on, Dan left Gray to rejoin us. He took my hand and pulled me away, excusing us from Annie’s friends.

“Brett and Annie just pulled up.” Dan kissed the top of my head and rubbed his hand on my belly. He’d taken to soothing me and comforting himself by rubbing my swollen stomach. It was hard to believe he was developing an attachment to the baby, but it couldn’t be anything else.

I tried not to enjoy it. There was no point in playing house. This wasn’t our child, and it never would be our child. Dan had ensured he wouldn’t have any, and I didn’t deserve any. I needed to be grateful for the unconditional love he showed me and find comfort in his embrace—it would always be just the two of us.

“Gray’s here. And he’s been drinking. I talked to him, and he assured me he was here to celebrate with you guys. Swore up and down he wouldn’t cause any problems. I didn’t want to make an issue of it with so many people here from the DC who weren’t around during his tenure with your wife.” The tone in which Dan issued the warning to our friends clearly indicated he believed Brett should proceed with caution.

Brett’s eyes flashed with anger, and his jaw tensed.

“Easy, man. I meant nothing by that.”

“I know. I’m just on edge with him here. He brings out the worst in me, and with Annie and Lissa—the babies.”

I caught it, but Dan didn’t. He said babies. Plural.

Annie had a secret.

My eyes darted from Brett to his wife, but she was staring off into the distance, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know she was staring at Gray. With my attention honed in on my friend, I missed Dan being pulled away by a coworker. Annie grabbed my hand, and together we made rounds. She introduced me to the people she knew, including Brett’s parents and her own. She seemed more comfortable with his, but I knew she had a strained relationship with hers. They’d just started to come around when the two got married, but it had been a slow progression and one Annie didn’t seem all that interested in diving into.

I didn’t bother to pry. My parents and I had parted company—I certainly wasn’t in a position to judge. I hoped for her sake she mended those fences for the baby, or babies if I’d heard correctly. Grandparents were important to the life of a child. But if she didn’t, I knew Annie would ensure this child got everything it needed and was showered with love.

I wasn’t terribly good with people I didn’t know. I put on a show with Annie’s friends because she loved them, but everyone else here was a stranger I wasn’t interested in buddying up with. As the night wore on, people consumed far more alcohol than food, and the crowd got louder and louder. Brett caught Annie’s attention, but she held firm standing with her friends refusing to join him.

Suddenly, Dan had come up behind me to put his arms around my ever-growing belly and hollered over the noise in the restaurant. “Y’all shut the hell up. My man’s got something to say.”

Brett was near the entrance to the building, while Annie and I, along with Dan, were closer to the kitchen. I saw Gray out of the corner of my eye but remained focused on Brett. Brett held his hands up to quiet the room, and everyone moved in closer to hear him. I’d lost sight of Annie with the people crowding around us but knew Lynn, Jenny, and Scarlett were with her.

“Annie and I are grateful to Lissa for her sacrifice and Dan for sacrificing Lissa. We love you both!” The grin that spread across his face was one of pure joy. And the guys again erupted in a raucous noise and inappropriate cat calls. He raised his hands to regain control. “But what no one here knows is, Annie is sixteen weeks pregnant.”

I stood in shock. I’d suspected it when Brett bobbled his words, but I hadn’t really expected it. And I certainly didn’t think I’d hear the news along with everyone else. It stung. I thought Annie and I were closer than that. But I guess we all have secrets. I wasn’t any different.

Dan left me and raced to embrace Brett. I’d never met a man who cared as much about a friend as Dan did about Brett. In some ways, I think Dan was just as invested in their marriage as Brett was. Not in a creepy way, but in the way a man who loves two people would be—like a brother.

They were both engulfed by people with well wishes and congratulations. I stepped away from the swarm where I felt safer. I didn’t think anyone here would hurt me, but when people drink, they tend to be less cautious with their own bodies and stumble into other people. If I got knocked over, it wouldn’t be good for me or the baby I had in tow. I was uncomfortable in a room full of people I didn’t know. My safety nets were all otherwise engaged, and all I could do was hover until one of them came back to me, or an opening came for me to join them.

I hadn’t expected that opening to come in the form of glass shattering or Gray yelling. He was tall and easy to spot over the crowd, but even if I hadn’t been able to see him, everyone in the restaurant could hear him screaming at Annie, who he had caged against a wall. My eyes darted from him to Dan and then Brett. Annie was sobbing, but I didn’t know how to help her. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion but really was mere seconds. I cowered in a corner with my arms wrapped around my stomach wishing Dan were with me. The one time he’d managed to get more than an arm’s length away proved to be the one time I needed his protection.

“This wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were never his.” Gray’s words were slurred, but still intelligible. “You promised me you’d always love me, so why are you here with him?”

Just before Brett reached him, Gray pushed back off the wall and launched a beer bottle across the room nearly missing several people before it exploded on impact, glass and liquid cascading in the air.

The moment Gray grabbed her arm, and she winced in his clutches, I knew shit was about to get bad. “Answer me, Bird Dog. Tell me you lied. Say something.”

I didn’t know what to do. My instincts told me to protect myself and the baby at all cost, even if that meant not stepping up to help my friend. I shrunk back further from the people now trying to separate Gray from his victim, but I didn’t have anywhere to go, and I couldn’t get to Dan.

“Gray!” Annie’s husband attempted to get her ex-boyfriend away from her, but his father caught him.

Dan was on Gray faster than I could process what was taking place, and Annie’s face was buried in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed.

Brett wrestled away from his father. “Let me go, Dad. Now is not the time or place.” He jerked people aside, not caring who stood in the path to protecting his wife.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Gray? Two marriages weren’t enough for you to fuck up? Three years of her life wasn’t enough for you to torture her? When are you going to get it through your thick fucking skull, she’s my wife? She’s not on the market anymore. That’s my goddamn ring on her finger—forever!”

“Brett, son, you need to calm down. This isn’t helping.” His dad had continued to attempt to keep Brett from engaging in a physical altercation, but knowing the way Brett loved Annie, his attempts were in vain.

He ignored his dad. Brett never even took a breath, still pulling against the people restraining him. “She’s pregnant, man. We have two kids on the way. It’s over. She’s not coming back to you. You fucked up and lost the best thing you ever had.”

“I haven’t lost shit, man. She still loves me. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be crying.” Gray was beyond drunk. He was delusional. He clearly had no idea how fiercely Annie loved her husband. A twinge of sadness washed over me. Right or wrong, he believed he’d been betrayed and was devastated by the loss.

“You dumbass, she’s crying because you scared her, embarrassed her, and caused a fucking scene. She doesn’t love you. Newsflash, Gray—you never loved her. If you had, you would have let her go so she could be happy.”

My hands squeezed my belly as tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. In some way, I felt sorry for the man who’d lost his shit in front of everyone he knew. He didn’t have a stake on Annie, but he regretted everything he’d done, and there was nothing he could do to change any of it. For a split second, I identified with his pain, his anguish, the way he cried out in vain. He’d lost the thing he treasured most with careless actions. He experienced a death of sorts even if Annie hadn’t stopped breathing. His agony would never heal because he recognized what he’d done. He just saw it too late. I hadn’t seen it until my son was gone.

Annie slipped away from the men arguing in search of seclusion. She grabbed my arm when she got to my side and pulled me into the kitchen away from the fighting in the restaurant. Even the kitchen staff had stopped to gather and watch the scene unfold. Annie was hysterical, mumbling about loving a man who wasn’t good for her, her husband hurting him, the babies’ safety. Her anxiety couldn’t be healthy for her, but I was at a loss for what to say, still stunned myself by all that was going on.

Brett found the two of us huddled near the back door. I watched him pull his phone from his pocket and type out a text to Dan who appeared moments later.

“Any possibility of getting the two of them out of here?” Dan wanted to protect Annie and me and the innocent lives we were both carrying. I thought he might be overreacting a tad, but I wasn’t in a position to argue. Annie could barely breathe through the hiccupping sobs, and I hadn’t stopped crying even though mine were just tears.

“Yeah, man. I can take them out the back door. I can see our car from here. Can you wrap things up, pay the tab, and help close down shop?” Brett handed Dan his credit card.

“Sure. You taking them both to your house?”

“I don’t want Lissa alone, so that seems like the best place to meet back up.”

“I’ll get this taken care of and be there as quickly as I can.” Dan turned away from Brett and put his hands on my belly. He was as protective of this child as Brett would be. And at that moment, I realized he loved me the way Brett did Annie. It wasn’t just the baby he was concerned about. When he looked into my eyes, I saw the fear he harbored for me.

“You good?” The way he asked me the question finally stopped my tears.

I knew I was safe, the baby was safe, and I just needed to get out of here. I was still jumpy, and a bit like a scared rabbit, but I managed to nod to him.

“Go with Brett. I’ll be there to get you as fast as I can, okay?”

Brett, Annie, and I started out the door as Dan backed away. “Hey, Penny?”

I looked back over my shoulder before turning completely to see Dan with a big goofy smile on his face. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

I crossed my heart with my index finger and blew him a kiss. He was everything good, and words couldn’t express that.

I sat in the back seat of their SUV. I remained quiet not really sure what the protocol was for the situation. My best friend needed her husband to comfort her, and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to cuddle up with Cosmo on the couch and cry until I couldn’t shed any more tears. Not just over tonight, but all the emotions I’d been carrying for months that I was unable to let go. This was my chance to release the feelings and have Dan comfort me without knowledge of what all I was really letting go. It was selfish, but this was far harder than I’d ever imagined.

I’d convinced myself the beating heart inside me would miraculously heal old wounds. It had certainly exposed them, but I hadn’t been prepared for the deluge of repercussions that would follow. There were days the pregnancy was nothing more than a punishment—a brutal reminder of how fragile life was and how quickly it could be taken away. I worried constantly I’d do something to harm Annie’s child, that I wouldn’t make it to full term and somehow another life would be on my hands. Here was my chance to tell Dan all my fears without bringing up Joshua. Tonight had provided the perfect outlet to explore those things…if only I could get home…with Dan.

We hadn’t gotten far from Hooters when I noticed Brett watching the rearview mirror intensely. I glanced over my shoulder to see what had his attention and assumed the person on a motorcycle behind us could only be Gray. He was driving erratically, and I knew how drunk he was from witnessing his actions and hearing him talk when we were inside. He had no business on a motorcycle, much less driving one. Without a helmet on, there was nothing to protect him from the pavement. Nothing about this could end well.

I kept my mouth shut knowing Brett was aware he was behind us. Annie had finally stopped crying, and my saying anything would do none of us any good. I didn’t envy Brett but noticed he maintained a much slower pace than the driving conditions called for. He was sober, and I trusted him. I just hoped he was able to navigate this with finesse.

The pounding on Annie’s window scared the shit out of all three of us. Brett clearly hadn’t realized Gray had pulled up next to the car, much less close enough to touch it. We were in the far-right lane of a deserted four-lane highway. Nothing about this was smart.

Annie screamed at her husband, and I noticed the way she gripped the door handle. Her knuckles turned visibly white, even in the dark car. Brett swung away from Gray and into the left lane to give him room. As quickly as Gray had arrived, he was gone. The motorcycle sped off in front of us at what must have been one hundred miles an hour. Just before the tail light of the bike vanished into the distance, it spun, leaving a swirl of a red tracer in the night, bottoming out on what I assumed was the pavement.

Brett brought the SUV to a stop far faster than I cared to experience. The seatbelt pulled across my chest and grew uncomfortably tight under my belly. I cringed at the pressure, but as soon as the car quit moving, the discomfort subsided. I released the belt out of habit but remained seated. My hand rubbed the spot between my breasts that was now sore.

Someone needed to call 9-1-1, but Brett was getting out of the car, and Annie certainly didn’t need to be the person to do it.

“No matter what happens, do not get out of this car. Do you understand me? The two of you stay put. I don’t care what you see—don’t open that door.” Brett knew what he was about to face was bad, but his wife was still his primary concern.

There was no way Annie was going to stay inside this vehicle. Regardless of how she felt about Brett and how much she loved him, she loved Gray, too. She’d battled the demons of death with Will, and if anything happened to Gray, she’d blame herself for him too.

* * *

As the emergency crews arrived at the scene, Annie and I sat stoically in the car, neither of us speaking. An otherwise dark night now looked like the Fourth of July. The red, white, and blue created a light show against the black backdrop of the sky. She stared out the window. Her husband was on his knees, and Gray’s Harley laid in pieces scattered across the asphalt. But Brett hadn’t moved in ages. Something happened to the way the human mind perceived time in emergency situations—it could have been hours or merely minutes we’d sat there. I didn’t know, but I knew Annie wasn’t going to remain in this car for long.

When I heard the click of her seatbelt as she removed it, I knew pleading with her would be fruitless, but I tried anyhow. I begged her to stay put. “Annie, you don’t need to see whatever is out there. You’re pregnant for the love of God. Don’t go, please.”

It all fell on deaf ears. “Lissa, call Dan. Do not follow me out.”

I wanted to slap her. If either of us should go, it should be me. I didn’t have an emotional attachment to the man on the motorcycle. The stress of the situation was far less likely to hurt the baby I carried than the one she did. But she wouldn’t listen. She climbed out of the car, and I called my boyfriend.

The moment I heard his voice I lost my composure. I didn’t know how he understood anything I’d said, but he assured me he would be here in minutes. I followed his instructions and sat stoically in the backseat, counting the rhythm to any song I could bring to mind, fingering the invisible strings in my hand.

When I heard Annie shriek Brett’s name, I played faster, counted more difficult tempos—anything to escape what was unfolding before me. Death lingered in the night air. The last place I wanted to be was trapped inside another vehicle while someone else took their last breath.

“Gray!” Her voice was shrill.

I closed my eyes determined to force out the sights and sounds before me. Memories of the trial screeched across my mind. The way the witnesses described how they’d found Joshua somehow turned into Gray. With my eyes open, or lids closed, I couldn’t escape either. Joshua. Gray. It all swirled around furiously. My breathing increased, and I became light-headed. The panic attack was the worst I’d had in years, but I couldn’t pull myself out of it.

“No!”

The cry was one I’d imagined a hundred times when Clara Bartell had found my son baked in the heat of the Texas sky. I couldn’t differentiate between then and now. My body rocked back and forth, I hummed louder, my fingers flew, but I couldn’t count fast enough to mentally escape.

“Lissa, baby. I’m here.” Dan’s arms were around me, and his voice cooed in my ear. I didn’t know how long he’d been there, but I wasn’t alone. “Penny, I need you to calm down. Annie’s on the side of the road, alone, but I can’t leave you like this.” He moved with me as I swayed in an attempt to self-soothe.

I turned and breathed in his scent. My nose was pressed to the skin of his neck while he rubbed circles on my back. He whispered words of love and comfort in my ear, slowly bringing me back to a safe place mentally. He wouldn’t leave my side until I told him I was all right. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew I had too. I inhaled deeply, exhaled, and pushed back. He searched my eyes while his hands instinctively moved to my stomach. With a quick peck on the lips, I assured him I would be okay and sent him to help Annie.

When he stepped away, my focus met the scene in front of me. I couldn’t hear Annie anymore since she was no longer screaming, and Dan had closed the door she’d left open when she got out of the car. But I saw her wrestling with the police officer who wouldn’t let her go any further. Just as I watched her head tilt back and heard her wail into an unforgiving night, her knees began to buckle. Dan caught her as she fell and pulled her into his embrace as they sank to the road beneath them. Her back was to his chest, and he huddled over her as she prayed to a Savior, who wasn’t going to answer her call. Tears continued to run down my cheeks as I witnessed my best friend lose her mind. This woman had been tortured by life.

Dan didn’t abandon her. As much as I wanted him for myself, he stayed by her side, and I knew she needed him more than I currently did. My mind had gone blank. I stared at everything moving around me but took nothing in. I’d tuned out to protect myself mentally. When I allowed myself to acknowledge the details of the accident, I was transported back in time to that rest area. I became a witness on the outside looking in. I watched in a trance-like state as though the EMS, police, and fire crew were trying to save my son.

I knew he wasn’t up there. Logically, I was aware I wasn’t unconscious in the front seat just beyond the ambulances. Joshua had been buried years ago. But at this moment, my mind forced me to see the scene as those who’d found my child had seen mine. No one paid Brett any attention even though he still kneeled in the same spot he’d been in for ages. The emergency workers were all near Gray. I imagined that had been the scene at the rest area. Even during the trials, no one spoke of the way they’d found me, or what had been done to ensure my safety. Not that I deserved that attention, but I’d never thought about it before today. My life hadn’t been as valued as Joshua’s by anyone there, but somehow, I’d been the one to survive while he perished.

Nothing made sense. This wasn’t my child’s death, and that wasn’t me on the ground. I hadn’t had a Dan to comfort me when I’d lost a significant love in my life the way Annie had now. I’d been alone, in the dark, and sedated immediately following the news. No one ever hugged me. No one asked me how I was holding up. At the time, I’d felt the punishment fit the crime. But somehow, sitting here, I acknowledged just how much I needed someone to love me then, and instead, everyone in my life had walked away.

I’d never talked to Matt after he left the house that night. I’d never heard from my parents after they spoke at my sentencing. My friends acted like we’d never met, much less spent our lives within spitting distance of each other. It was as if the world had blown up around me and left me isolated, closed inside a box I could see out of but couldn’t escape.

Annie had to fight to stay outside that box—not because society would put her there, but because she would entomb herself. She would accept responsibility for what happened tonight, and she wouldn’t be able to wash the blood from her hands.

I prayed she would be strong enough to fight back the demons she’d worked so hard to conquer. I hoped the child she carried and the one growing inside me were more important than the darkness that I knew wanted to consume her.

The scene before me started to move, piece by piece. It took ages, but once the body was removed from the highway, the rest of the elements began to go, too. The silent movie played before me. The ambulance left without sirens. Eventually, the motorcycle was gone. Then the firetrucks. And finally, all but one state trooper had taken off. Nothing remained but his patrol car on the side of the highway and shards of plastic from the taillights that were once part of Gray’s Harley.

Brett moved to replace Dan who still held Annie. She appeared to have stopped crying, but her body visibly shook. I assumed she was in shock, but I didn’t know for sure. I’d sat here afraid to move for the duration of the events. When Dan arrived back at my side, he’d asked me if I thought I could drive Brett’s SUV back to the Ryann’s house, so neither vehicle was left on the side of the road. I nodded without saying a word and then moved to the front seat.

Moments later, Brett carried Annie to the SUV, and he slid in the back seat cradling her to his chest. I didn’t offer any condolences as I drove them to their house. As much as I’d wanted to go back to my own home, we didn’t leave our friends. I realized sitting in their living room, all three of them had lost either a friend, a co-worker, or an old lover just hours earlier. They needed to be together. Annie collapsed on Brett as he held her stomach in protection. I could only imagine how he felt knowing a life had ended while one grew under his touch.

Dan and I left just after the sun came up. He’d offered to come inside when he dropped me off, but I wanted to be alone. The time for confession had passed, and I was exhausted. The idea of a hot shower before crawling into bed was the only thing that appealed to me. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I got the impression he needed time to himself as well. I’d relieved him of the obligation to protect me first.