I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.

He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn’t know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out…none of which ended well.

“What was his name?” The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn’t shared with anyone in years.

“Joshua.” His name passed my lips like a prayer.

“What was he like?” Dan’s fingers left my hands to stroke my forearms. It wasn’t erotic. His touch soothed an ache I longed to rid myself of.

I sighed wondering if this was a safe place to share. Not the bathroom, but Dan’s attention. There were no longer any other options. I either answered his questions, or I left—there was no in between. “The way most babies are I suppose. Sweet. Gentle. The way he smiled always left me in a puddle.” It wasn’t easy to describe someone I’d had so little time with. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t walk—he just was. “Everything about him was perfection. But I guess most mothers feel that way about their children.”

He hummed against my ear in appreciation, as though he understood exactly what I meant.

“I used to love putting him to bed and watching his bright eyes grow weary and hooded. The way his lids would drop with exhaustion. He was too young to fight sleep, but a lazy grin always took over just before he was out. Those moments, that little blip in time, was always perfection.”

Dan allowed me to savor the memory. He didn’t push for information or demand answers. He acted as though he were truly intrigued by the part of me he’d missed out on. I wanted to love him more for his understanding but kept anticipating anger. But Dan knew me well. He knew if he waited, gave me the time, the words would start to flow without his prying.

“He was three months old when he passed away. I didn’t save much when I moved from Texas. I went through the three boxes I had left when I packed my house to move in here. There were only a handful of things I saved. A couple pictures, the porcelain box, and the gown and rosary. That’s all that’s left in this world to remind me he ever existed.”

His hand traveled up my arm, across my collarbone, and between my breasts. With his pointer finger, he traced tiny circles just above my heart. “Every bit of him is still here, Lissa. And his memory can live on through other people if you’re willing to share him.” His suggestion lingered in the thick silence. “I know I’d love to hear everything you want to tell me about him.”

I didn’t know what to say about Joshua. I couldn’t tell Dan about the time I took him to Disney world, or his first day of Kindergarten. There was no first Christmas, no birthday. All of my memories were of the way he looked at me, his coos, how he changed my life. None of which I could adequately express with words. Three months was nothing. Less than a hundred days from life to death. People went on diets that lasted longer than that.

Even Dan couldn’t contain the curiosity. I’d never had to admit to anyone other than Rob what took place. Everyone in Wimberley, and hell all of Austin knew. Most of them had known before I had.

“What happened?”

The question wasn’t an accusation, but I had to see his face when I answered. It was the only way I’d know what his response truly was. He couldn’t hide what his eyes would say. I forced myself from his embrace to his dismay and turned in the tub with my back against the opposite side. I brought my knees up to my chest and held them tightly. With my eyes closed, I inhaled deeply and exhaled what hadn’t proven to be a cleansing breath.

With eyes wide open, I stared into his stunning greens gazing back at me with sadness. “Are you sure you want that answer? It will forever change us. And once I tell you, it can’t be undone.”

He nodded slowly. “There’s nothing you can tell me about your past that will change how I feel about you, Lissa. The only way I can prove that is to hear the truth.” His voice didn’t waiver. He held my eyes, and I gave him what he asked for.

“Matt, Joshua’s father, had warned me I was doing too much. As a new mother, sleep is a privilege most don’t get, but I took it to new heights, unwilling to lighten my load at work. I guess I thought I was Superwoman, but the truth is, I didn’t think about it at all. I wanted to be successful as a professor, a wife, and a mother. In the end, I lost all three.”

He didn’t need the details of my daily life…they didn’t change the story.

“I took a couple days off to go spend the weekend with my parents at their beach house. I should have waited. Gone the next morning after a good night sleep. But, I insisted on making the drive that afternoon. I dosed off with Joshua in the backseat driving down the interstate, and the grooves on the side of the road woke me up.”

My chest constricted, and the memories flooded my mind. I could see that day as though I were experiencing it in the present. The color of the sky, the heat of the afternoon sun. Every intricate detail was like a painted postcard I couldn’t erase. Each breath became more difficult to take, and my heart raced.

“I thought the safest thing to do was pull into a rest area and take a nap. Joshua was asleep, and I figured if he woke up before my alarm went off his cries would wake me as well. So, I found the next stop and pulled into a space right in front of the welcome building, so we were surrounded by people. It was later in the afternoon, and people mulled about the rest stop. I left the car and the air conditioning running, set my alarm on my phone, and closed my eyes. It was just supposed to be a power nap.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks. My voice didn’t crack as I told my story. I resigned myself to the weight this would carry the rest of my life. I didn’t deserve to feel sorry for myself, and the tears were for my son, not me.

He leaned forward and put his hand on my knee, but I refused to accept his comfort.

“Joshua died in the heat strapped into his car seat. The car ran out of gas, I didn’t wake up, and his screams did nothing. My son perished in unimaginable heat because I was irresponsible and needed a vacation.”

There was zero emotion on Dan’s face, but sorrow was visible in his eyes. I imagined it was for Joshua, not me.

“I woke up in the hospital, and a nurse told me he had passed away.”

He waited for me to say anything else before he opened his mouth. When he got nothing more, he finally responded. “You know that’s a freak accident, right? I can’t imagine your pain, or the agony you felt as a mother, but anyone in their right mind would know, you tried to do the right thing.” His hand clutched mine, desperate to make me see things his way.

“I killed my son, Dan. Freak accident or not, his life is gone because of my stupidity. Who in their right mind takes a nap at a rest area with an infant in the back seat?” I’d unintentionally raised my voice, but Dan remained unfazed. “My child is dead. Three months old, and I baked his little body in the sun! Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I do. And I know you will never absolve yourself of that guilt. But Lissa, baby, I can’t crucify you for it. I hurt for you. My heart is torn knowing I can’t fix this, or change it, or help make it go away. All I can do is love you for whom it made you.”

“Seriously, Dan? I’m a convicted felon. Let that sink in for a minute.” I’d flipped the switch on him. When he hadn’t gotten angry and lashed out at me, I made sure to do it to him. The wrath I’d expected Dan to rain down on me was now being thrown in his face.

His brow furrowed, and his dark hair fell in his eyes, but he never looked away. He held my stare, and the sorrow I’d seen was replaced with love. It wasn’t possible. Somehow, I hadn’t communicated the depravity of the situation. There was no way this man could love me despite what I’d just told him.

“Involuntary manslaughter, I assume?” Like it was a freaking speeding ticket, not murder.

“No. Felony child endangerment.” My voice went weak with the admission. He now had all the information. And I waited for him to tell me he was done.

“So a jury didn’t find you guilty of manslaughter?” It wasn’t a question so much as his making a point. He justified my actions in his mind with the verdict of the lessor charge.

“No. I got probation and hefty fines. Neither of which represented the loss of a life.”

He raked his hand through his hair, leaving it slicked back with water. I knew he was frustrated by my refusal to concede to his point. “Lissa, sweetheart. For whatever reason, God called your son home. If it was his time, there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. It might have happened in a different way, a car accident, SIDs, choking, hell, who knows? But you were spared, and there’s a reason for that, too. And I don’t believe any higher power allowed you to live only to suffer because of a tragedy.”

The weight of what I’d just told him hadn’t sunk in. When he had time to really process this, and what he’d face if other people found out, he’d leave just like Matt had.

Clarity crossed his face, as though he’d had an epiphany. He relaxed against the porcelain tub and crossed his arms over his chest. “This is why you don’t want kids, isn’t it? The whole reason you wanted to help Annie wasn’t to experience pregnancy because you’d done that before.”

My shoulders slumped, my head dropped, and my words came out as a whisper. “I felt like it was the universe’s way of allowing me to fix what I’d done. Atone for my sin. I was able to give life where I’d taken it.”

“Did it do any of those things for you?” The question wasn’t smug—it was filled with hope.

“To some degree, yes. I feel more at peace than I have in years. But the weight of my secret is still a tough burden to carry sometimes.”

“Lissa, you could have told me. I can’t imagine anyone in the world thinking less of you.”

“Matt did.”

“Matt was grieving, Penny. He lost his son, too. I’m sure it was tough for him, and maybe the easiest thing, not necessarily the right thing, but the easiest thing was for him not to have reminders. I doubt very seriously that he didn’t love you. Have you talked to him since?”

I gave him a quick shake of the head. I didn’t want to think about Matt, or why he’d left. It didn’t matter…he was gone.

Dan didn’t say anything else. There was no further conversation to convince me of the error in my ways of thinking. He simply pulled me back between his legs, turned on the faucet with his toes to reheat the water, and held me. I didn’t cry. Instead, I got caught up in the cadence of his heartbeat and allowed it to soothe me undeservingly.

He had all of the truth now. I hadn’t put him in a fair situation, but he had a decision to make. If he wanted out, I’d give him the ring and walk away without question. But the wait might kill me.

* * *

My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett’s house, but I didn’t have the courage to ask him what he’d done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he’d left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering—but I knew with time to think about it, he’d decide he couldn’t stay.

“Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?”

“For what?”

“To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?” He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store.

“I didn’t think we were still doing that?” Maybe he’d taken up drinking.

He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he’d used to dry his hands with. “What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.”

“Dan…”

“No, don’t Dan me. Has something changed that you don’t want to marry me now?”

Oh, for the love of God. I rolled my eyes without answering his question which was apparently the wrong thing to do.

In one giant step, he closed the gap between us and took my chin in his hand while still holding a coffee mug in the other. His grip was tighter than I preferred but not painful. It ensured I couldn’t turn away.

“Do you love me?”

“Huh?” His line of questions didn’t make sense.

“Do. You. Love. Me?”

“Of course. But you haven’t kept some giant secret from me like murder and a felony conviction.”

He launched the mug against the wall without letting go of my chin. His face was marred with anger. My confession hadn’t pissed him off, but this had.

“And you think something that happened before I knew you, a tragic accident, will suddenly change how I feel about you? Damn it, Lissa. I want to marry you, that includes who you are today, who you’ll be tomorrow, and who you were before I met you! There is nothing you can tell me that will change that.” He dropped his hand and stared at the ground. When he finally looked up, my heart broke at the emotion written all over his features, but it was the tears in his eyes that crushed my soul. “You have a decision to make. I’ll be at the courthouse tomorrow morning at ten o’clock. I hope you’ll join me as my bride. If not, there’s nothing left for us. I’m not asking you to change your past, but I am expecting you to embrace your future. The choice is yours.”

He didn’t wait for a response before he turned and walked out our front door. Shocked by his outburst, I hesitated to follow him. I should have known he’d seek solace at our next-door neighbors’ house, but the emptiness left behind was almost as crushing as kneeling next to Joshua’s grave.

He disappeared inside their home, and I wondered what he’d told them. Annie hadn’t called since we abruptly left the church, not even so much as a text message. They were his friends, and I had no claim to them, but it stung just the same. I might have stood there watching their front door for five minutes or two hours, but it didn’t matter. He walked out just like Matt. And I was alone. Again.

I needed to occupy my thoughts, but meaningless tasks around the house didn’t pacify me. As daylight turned to dusk and he hadn’t return, I realized I had a decision to make. I had to either accept that he could love beyond my mistakes or ignore his plea in favor of isolation—but I couldn’t have it both ways. If I chose to meet him tomorrow, I had to let go of the hate I held for myself and allow love in. There wasn’t enough room in my life for both.

As much as I believed I had wanted that over the years, the pain was a constant reminder of what I’d lost, and I wasn’t sure I deserved to stop feeling it. My mind tortured me with thoughts of my sweet son and the man I’d met because I’d lost him. I warred with right and wrong. The only person I’d ever loved as much as I loved Joshua was waiting on me to free myself from the chains of grief.

I couldn’t bring myself to lie down in the bed Dan and I shared, so I dragged a blanket to the couch and cuddled with Cosmo. He grew tired of my chatter sometime around two in the morning and left me to curl up in the chair across the room. At five, no closer to a resolution, I got up and retrieved my violin. I didn’t go to the porch to play with the sunrise for fear of disturbing the rest of the neighborhood, but I sat in the living room and moaned the sounds of the changing colors that filled the sky. When sunlight replaced the darkness, I let my bow sing goodbye to my son.

I wasn’t replacing him with Dan, but I had to move on. The crippling pain wasn’t paying homage to his memory, it only served to bury it in shame…and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t know how to shed light on my lost child, but I knew that casting myself in darkness hadn’t worked either. By the time I finally put my violin away, I was exhausted. I watched out the window waiting for Brett to leave, but when he pulled out of the driveway, there was still no sign of Dan. His car still sat in our driveway, so I knew he had to be with Annie.

The clock glowed eight on the dot from the microwave. I didn’t have a dress and knew Dan didn’t have anything other than what he’d worn yesterday. With my mind made up, I ran upstairs to shower. The warm water eased my aching muscles and washed away the grime of the night. The tears had long since dried, but in some way, I felt as though I was cleansing my spirit, baptizing my soul. A hint of a smile tugged at my lips when I finally stepped out of the shower.

I dried my hair, brushed some gloss on my lips and mascara on my lashes, and then put on the pair of jeans Dan loved to see me in, a fitted Vans T-shirt, and my black Docs. It was the very outfit I’d met Annie and Brett in. By the time I got downstairs, my heart sank when I glanced out front, and Dan’s truck was gone. He hadn’t come inside to check on me or even left a note. I found my phone, but there was nothing there either.

If he had changed his mind, I’d find out at ten o’clock, but as it was, I had to proceed with my plan. Whatever fate held in store for me would be known in less than ninety minutes. With my keys in hand, I scratched Cosmo’s head, walked through the front door, closed it behind me and locked it, and walked over to Annie’s porch.

After several deep breaths, I raised my fist and knocked.

“I wondered how long it would be before you came by.” She ushered me in with a warm smile on her face and a baby on her hip. It was crazy how much Alissa and Grayson looked alike. It was almost hard to tell them apart unless she had them in gender specific colors. But Grayson cooed his greeting, and I tickled his tummy.

I wasn’t good at beating around the bush and didn’t have time to even if I was. I followed Annie into the living room where Alissa was on her tummy kicking her feet behind her. My butt had barely met the couch when I finally spoke. “So, what all did Dan tell you?”

“Just that he didn’t want to see you on your wedding day. I thought it was rather old fashioned since the two of you live together and obviously have sex out of wedlock, but who am I to judge?” She shrugged and chuckled under her breath.

“Are you feeling better? You looked really gray in the church. Dan said you were pretty bad off. I was worried it would keep you guys from going to the courthouse today. Honestly, Lissa, I’m kind of hurt you sent Dan over here instead of your coming. We could have hung out and sent the boys to your house. I’m sure being with two babies isn’t the best bachelorette party, but—”

“Annie.”

She stopped talking when I interrupted her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I didn’t have time for this. I assumed Dan had told them what took place, clearly not. I glanced at the time knowing I didn’t have long to get this out and be at the courthouse.

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something. I need to be honest with you before I marry Dan. And I need that in return from you. If you can’t deal with what I’m about to tell you long term, I need you to tell me that. I can’t destroy Dan’s friendship with you and Brett because he’s forced to choose between you guys and me after we’re married.”

She tried to wave me off.

“I’m serious. Look, I don’t have a lot of time. I’m supposed to meet him at ten, but you have to know this first. Whatever your reaction, I’ll deal with it. But my concern, my priority is Dan. Understood?”

Her face took on a serious look, and she set Grayson down on the ground next to his sister. “Yeah. I understand.”

There wasn’t time to stumble through my story. I had to offer the truth as concisely as possible with as much detail as necessary in order for Annie to make an educated decision. She listened completely captivated as I spoke. Her fingers touched her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears. She hiccupped when her breath caught, but she didn’t interject until I finished.

“Your gift back to the world was Alissa?” She choked on the words, and the lump in her throat made speaking difficult.

“Please don’t hate me, Annie. My intentions were well placed. Although, I’m sure you never would have agreed to a murderer being your surrogate.”

“Oh, Lissa. No. It makes so much more sense. All of it. And I hate you endured all through the pregnancy silently suffering when we could have all shared in your memories. The fact that your proposition wasn’t some strange need to experience pregnancy and instead was an offering makes Alissa’s life so much more meaningful. Don’t you see?”

I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, much less her friendship. This woman was an angel.

“I feel horrible about the christening gown and rosary. You know I never would have taken them had I known. Sit here, I’ll go get them.”

“No. Annie, no. I don’t want you to give them back. They sat in a box, hidden away. Your kids brought them use. They never should have been left to collect dust. Look, I don’t want to worry about things right now. I just need to know we’re okay. That Brett is going to be okay. Dan loves the two of you too much for me to come between that and if what I did is going to cause ill will, I can’t meet him at the courthouse.”

“Oh shit.” She looked down at the time on her cell phone. “Lissa, it’s ten till. You’ll never make it to the courthouse on time. Go. Go. We can talk about this later.” Annie stood to shoo me out the door, but I refused to budge.

“I can’t go until you promise me, we’re okay.”

She wrapped me in a hug and squeezed before pulling away. “Lissa, I hate that you lost your child, but I could never feel anything but love for you.” Her gaze moved to her children grinning on the blanket near our feet. “Both of those kids are here because of your selflessness. And Brett and I will always be grateful. If you’d like to talk about this more, why don’t you and your husband join us for dinner tonight? I’ll make chicken parmesan.”

I mouthed my appreciation, but the words were mere whispers.

“Go. Hurry. Call him on the way to let him know you’re coming.”

I took her at her word and then sprinted to my SUV. By the time I pulled out of the driveway, I had four minutes to drive twelve miles.