Annie had been making daily visits to our house since we’d both stopped working, and Dan and Brett were freaked out about either of us being alone for any length of time. In my condition, I wasn’t doing much besides showering daily and making dinner. I felt like all I did these days was eat, but thankfully, I hadn’t gained a lot of weight. I was twenty-five pounds heavier than when we started this but knew it could be much worse. Annie normally arrived between eight and nine, but she was moving slower than usual with her growing belly.

I didn’t want to be one of those women who became hypersensitive and ran to the hospital at the slightest twinge of pain, but I was acutely aware of how different my body felt today. I only had to make it two more weeks to see this precious little baby I’d been toting around for months, and I wanted to make sure it went smoothly. But something was off. I wasn’t in pain, but I’d been to the restroom three times in the last five minutes and each time I’d peed more only to sit down somewhere other than the toilet and…leak. The things that happened to a woman’s body during pregnancy were not for the faint at heart.

I needed backup and called my neighbor. “I keep peeing on myself.” She’d barely gotten her greeting out before I’d made my pronouncement. We’d had a lot of these conversations in the past couple weeks, and I could see her giggling even if I couldn’t hear her.

“Were you coughing?”

“No.” I half laughed, but concern was at the forefront of my mind. “I went to the bathroom, and when I came back to sit down on the couch, I peed a little. So, I went back to the bathroom, sat down, and peed again. It wasn’t a lot, but I definitely peed again.”

“Lissa, you’re paranoid. You’re pregnant. We pee frequently.”

“Yeah, I’d agree except it happened three more times before I called you. I haven’t sat back down.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re only thirty-eight weeks. Have you called Dr. Matthews?”

“No. Will you come over and call with me?”

“Of course! Give me about five minutes, and I’ll be there.”

I watched for her to leave her house so I could meet her at the door.

“You all right?”

“Scared.” It was hard to admit to the mother whose child I carried.

“Let’s go call the doctor’s office and see what they say. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to be one of those women.”

She giggled at my melodramatic response. “What women?”

“The ones who go to the hospital fifteen times thinking they’re in labor only to be told it’s a false alarm.”

“Well, since we have a midwife coming to the house, I’d say you’re safe there. But it’s probably nothing big. Are you in any pain?”

I wasn’t and shook my head. I wanted to call Dan. I wanted him to come home. I wanted the security of his embrace. I loved Annie, but I needed him right now. I pushed those feelings down and focused on the task at hand.

Together we called the doctor’s office, and the nurse seemed to agree it wasn’t anything to be alarmed about but had me come in anyway. We still hadn’t called Dan, and with each passing minute my anxiety climbed higher. He was my fortress, and I wanted to be within the protection of his arms. After waiting for over an hour pacing in the waiting room, a nurse finally called me back. I couldn’t confirm it, but I think I was starting to freak the other patients out, so they bumped me up in the line.

Once in the exam room, the nurse handed me a paper gown. Annie rolled her eyes, but I would have stood there naked if it meant everything was okay. Annie helped me in my struggle to undress. I was mortified when I gave her a wide crotch shot, but I chose to ignore it. By the time this was all over, there wouldn’t be anything on my body she or her husband hadn’t seen.

I hopped up on the table just before Dr. Matthews and his nurse came in. He offered us both a friendly hello, but I wasn’t interested in pleasantries. The nurse helped me lie back while Annie took a seat. The moment I was in a supine position, a gush of water echoed through the room.

“Looks like we’re going to have a baby today.” The doctor’s announcement wasn’t one I received well.

“But I still have two more weeks.” I was adamant he had to be wrong.

“Two weeks or not, this little one is ready to meet the world.” He continued his exam, covered in what I now realized was amniotic fluid. “You’re four centimeters dilated.” He pulled off his rubber gloves, each one snapping at the end causing me to jump. “Are you guys still doing the home birth with Meegan?”

Thank God, Annie was able to speak. I was in shock. “That’s the plan.”

“I’ll have the nurse call her. Annie, you need to get Melissa home. Has Meegan given you instructions?”

I could only hope my obsessively organized friend had done more preparation than I had. I hadn’t so much as glanced at the instructions Meegan gave us other than to give Dan the list of things we needed to get. I assumed they were all sitting at the house along with the birthing pool, but I couldn’t swear to it.

I heard him tell Annie he would be on call if anything changed, and we came to the hospital, but beyond that I was useless. I got dressed in a fog and followed Annie like a lapdog out to the car.

Her tone indicated her apprehension when she called Dan. I was surprised her first call hadn’t been to Brett, but they were both in the same building, and I prayed Dan was the calmer of the two. Then she called Brett. Then Meegan.

When Annie turned the corner to our street, both Dan and Brett’s cars sat in their respective driveways. I didn’t know how either of them beat us here, but I certainly wasn’t going to complain. I knew I was safe if Dan was with me. He wouldn’t let anything happen to the baby or me, and all I could think about was getting to him. I made my way in the house without stopping to hear what Brett and Annie were doing. I needed to change. It was only shorts and a sports bra, but any modicum of modesty I could hold on to during this process was welcomed.

I paced the living room when Annie showed up. Delivery without pain medication wasn’t fun. I hadn’t even gone into active labor, and it was a struggle to stay upright through the contractions. When one hit just after Annie walked in the door, I bent over, hovering over my stomach with my hands on my knees. I closed my eyes and breathed through the pain, counting the beats of the contraction, trying to find the music in my body. Dan tried his best to comfort me, but the pain was relentless, and his touch went from consoling to irritating.

I knew the moment Meegan entered the room and Patchouli assaulted my nostrils. I loved the girl, but everything was an irritant right now…especially that musk. But I’d never been so grateful to one person. She issued orders to those three which forced them to leave the room to attend to her needs.

Her hand rested lightly on my rounded spine as the contraction began to subside. “The best thing you can do is keep moving until the next contraction hits and then breathe through it.”

I nodded my understanding knowing if I spoke, it wouldn’t be kind. The pain was excruciating.

Meegan got things in order and put them where I assumed she needed them to be. I didn’t care what she did as long as she didn’t talk to me and kept Brett and Dan from closing in. I thought she was crazy when she presented me with an inflated exercise ball, but it offered the most relief. Or maybe it was rolling around on it with Annie on the floor talking to me about nonsense to keep my mind occupied. Every time I whispered with even the slightest bit of discomfort Dan was on me like white on rice.

I got frustrated and snapped at him. “Dan, it’s childbirth. It’s going to fucking hurt.” I hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, but breaking bones would have been less painful than what I was experiencing.

Annie tried to contain her amusement, but the coughing called attention to the shit-eating grin on her face.

“Just wait. Your turn’s coming soon. We’ll see how calm you and Brett are.” Dan’s bark was far worse than his bite, especially where Annie was concerned. I knew he felt helpless and couldn’t stand to see me in pain, but I couldn’t focus on his discomfort. The pressure between my legs had grown far too heavy to ignore anymore.

“I’m feeling kind of pushy.” I was grateful Meegan understood what I meant.

“Do you think you’re ready to get in the pool?”

I nodded to our midwife, and Dan helped me off the ball. He shielded me when I stepped out of my shorts and then helped me into the water in nothing but the sports bra. As painful as this process was, I knew if I insisted on a natural birth my chances of not landing in a hospital were far greater. Pain medication could slow labor, and the last thing I wanted was a reminder of Joshua’s death when giving Annie’s baby life. I acknowledged my lost son in my thoughts even if I hadn’t shared them with those around me. I accepted the agony as penance for what he’d gone through in his final minutes. Women had survived this process for centuries in fields and in nature—I could get through it in my home without narcotics.

Meegan routinely checked the heart beat to make sure the baby wasn’t in distress, but other than that, I was left to labor alone. The solitude, even with three people around me, was painful. God had orchestrated the moments for me to reflect on what I was doing and what I’d done, but I refused to cry. This had been so unlike Joshua’s delivery. Here, there hadn’t been anyone sticking their fingers inside me every sixty minutes, I wasn’t attached to monitors, and the comfort of my home helped ease the process.

I hovered in the water on my knees with Dan inches from me on the outside of the pool. His touch had been an irritant an hour ago, but now, his fingers on my arm, the way his hand cupped my shoulder in support—it was the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. I’d tried to keep my discomfort to myself, but I was sure it was written all over my face. I reached between my legs knowing the baby was close. Exhaustion settled in, and I knew it was time. “The head is about two knuckles deep.”

Annie sat straight up, and we waited for Meegan’s instructions. When she asked Annie if she still wanted to catch the baby, my friend almost jumped across the room. I sat back against the edge of the pool, Dan on one side and Brett on the other, while Annie climbed in. I clutched a hand from each man and dropped my head back between my shoulders when I pushed. Dan’s cheek touched the side of my head, and he whispered words of love and affirmation in my ear. Annie stared between my legs with her hands in the water. I braced myself on Dan and Brett’s forearms and struggled with one final push. I felt the shoulders pass, and then the baby slipped into the water, and I collapsed back.

Dan moved behind me to hold me while Brett cut the cord once Meegan gave the sign that it was time. Annie had handed me the precious baby, and tears streamed from my eyes. I missed my son. I hadn’t held another baby since he’d passed away. I wanted to sob, to tell her how special this was—but it was no longer my moment. The time and the baby belonged to Annie and Brett. Meegan helped rub the baby’s back and little bottom bringing color to the skin, but time seemed suspended.

Brett leaned over to ask Annie if it was a boy or a girl. She’d gotten exactly what I’d hoped for—a minute that was just hers to hold a secret with her child. Something no one could take from her. Annie got to be the one to tell her husband. “A girl.” Her breath hitched when she touched her forehead to his.

My heart swelled with pride when I heard Brett’s hushed voice. “We have a daughter.”

I’d been able to give them that. The little piece of heaven Meegan now held was my offering back to the world, an attempt to right my wrong.

An hour or so later, Meegan had gotten me comfortable on the couch, the guys had cleaned up the birthing pool, and Annie sat with her little girl in the recliner and held my hand across the empty space between the furniture.

Her lazy grin was aimed at me. Her head rolled on the back of the chair. “I will never be able to tell you what this baby means to me. Thank you.”

I blinked slowly and tried to give her a bright smile but missed the mark. “I’m going to miss having her with me every day. I hope you’ll let me come love on her.” I was. But not for the reasons Annie assumed. I’d been able to offer protection and nurtured a child who couldn’t take care of itself. Instead of extinguishing a flame, I’d brought that little life safely into the world where Brett and Annie would adore her and fuel her fire.

“Actually, Brett and I wanted to ask you and Dan a question.”

I tried to sit up a little straighter to hear her better.

“We’d like for you to be her Godparents.”

My hand formed a fist, and I rested it on my chest as I fought off more tears. “Of course. I’d be honored.” I leaned back on the couch determined to maintain my composure. The hormones were a bitch to fight against. “But you might want to name her first.”

“I have a name in mind.”

She hadn’t shared a name with me, not even any they were considering. They had both been adamant they wanted to meet the baby before giving it a name that didn’t suit the child. I rolled my eyes but loved that about Annie. She thought everything through, every tiny detail.

Before I could pry into her secret, Dan and Brett joined us. They’d helped Meegan out, and everyone appeared to enjoy the calm. I had no idea what they were doing and didn’t have the energy to ask. I was sore and tired, and I just wanted to lay here with my thoughts.

When Dan took a seat on the coffee table next to me, and Annie and Brett sat perched like they were waiting for a show, I sat up unsure of what might happen. Concern marred Dan’s features just before he dropped his head, and his knee bounced feverishly in front of me. I had no idea what was going on, but I was more than a little freaked out.

Dan sat like every other guy, with his legs spread and his forearms propped on his thighs, and finally lifted his head to make eye contact before he spoke.

“Penny.” His voice shook with uncertainty and fear.

“From the moment I showed up on your porch, I was at the right house, just looking for the wrong woman. Thankfully, God saved me from myself when he led me to you.”

He took a deep breath, and I glanced to Annie, baffled. She offered me nothing more than a shrug and just kept watching.

“There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since our chance encounter that I could imagine spending the next without you. My sun rises and sets in you. I knew months ago that I wanted to propose but didn’t want you to feel pressured to do what you’ve spent the last nine months doing. But your selfless sacrifice only confirmed what I already knew—you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

He looked down and cracked the little black box he’d concealed with his large hands. With shaky fingers, he took the ring from the velvet. He got down on one knee, looked me straight in the eyes, and asked the question I’d longed to hear. “Will you marry me?”

At a loss for words, I nodded eagerly and hugged his neck just after he slipped the ring on my left ring finger. My tears were more than joy from getting engaged. At that moment, I felt as though I’d been released from suffering. I’d satisfied a higher power who’d forgiven me for hurting my son. The tears trailed down my cheeks as I felt Joshua move on from whatever purgatory I’d had him chained to. And in return, I, myself had been redeemed.

* * *

The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn’t care what it was. I’d help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move…or stay awake.

I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she’d been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night, and live without restraint.

I didn’t want to dismiss Joshua, but the day I gave birth to Alissa, I started to forgive myself for the accident, the lapse in judgment that had cost me my son. I couldn’t go back and change it, there was no way to rewind the clock—if there had been, I would have done it. I looked around at my life and realized not only did I think I’d never get a second chance, but I loved the way things had changed. I couldn’t say I would have ever chosen this path or the heartache that lead up to it, but the culmination of beautiful things gave purpose to Joshua’s life and his death.

“Hey, Penny.” Dan’s voice carried throughout the house frequently making it difficult to tell just where it had come from.

“Yeah?” I’d follow it until I found him. I just had to keep him talking.

“It’s go time, babe. Put on some shoes. We have Alissa duty until further notice.”

Midway down the steps, it dawned on me what Dan had said, and I raced back to our room to throw on tennis shoes and a bra. I hopped from the last step right into Dan’s arms. “Holy crap. Is Annie totally freaked?” I didn’t know where the whole Valley-girl thing came from.

“Brett said she’s not acting rationally. When I talked to him, she had gotten in the shower to wash her hair and shave her legs.” In some ways, it went against everything I believed about Annie, but in others, it was exactly who she’d always been. She would still be concerned about people seeing her vagina unkempt as the toes passed through the birth canal. But I also knew to trust her, she wouldn’t risk that child for all the money in the world.

“Nice. Wanna make a bet on whether it’s a boy or girl?”

Dan stopped me. “What’s gotten into you? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I can’t tell if you’re excited or nervous.”

“Both, I guess.”

He let whatever was on his mind go and took my hand to walk across the driveways. When we walked in, Brett had a crying baby in his arms and genuinely appeared terrified. I scooped Alissa up while Dan took over with Brett.

“Man, calm down. Why are you so upset?”

“She won’t get out of the shower, Dan. She’s in labor. Her water broke. This is not where we need to be. I’m freaked the fuck out.”

I wandered off with the baby so Brett could get his shit together. I was afraid Dan might have to slap him, but moments later Brett disappeared upstairs, and Dan joined me on the couch with my little love muffin.

Minutes later, Annie and Brett came babbling down the stairs. I wanted to offer her the perfect words, but one look and she knew how I felt. She struggled with asking us to stay with Alissa, but I knew her friends would take care of her at the hospital, and once the baby arrived, Dan and I would get the pleasure of introducing her to her sibling. But the wait might kill me.

As the hours ticked by, Dan and I switched off with Alissa. I never imagined he would love her the way he does. He’d been so adamantly opposed to children, I assumed he wouldn’t be good with them, but that was so far from the truth. He adored his best friends’ daughter as though she were his own.

“You’re really good with her.” It warmed my heart to watch him snuggle her little body against his chest and coo the most adorable sounds in her ear. When he touched his nose to hers, I went weak in the knees.

“I love kids.” He didn’t look away from his butterfly kisses. “Their innocence is captivating. The whole world awaits them, and they can do whatever they want with it. Parents are the ones that screw them up, but Alissa’s lucky. A child couldn’t ask for better people to love her.”

When I didn’t respond, he glanced my way. He studied my face, but I waited. There was something on the tip of his tongue, and he’d share it when the words came to him.

“It’s hard to spend as much time with Alissa as we do and not wonder what it would be like.”

That I wasn’t expecting. I tried to conceal my reaction so he’d continue, but I felt my eyes go wide before I could stop it, and he saw the response.

“My parents’ divorce was horrendous. Long after they’d split, called each other every name in the book, and virtually destroyed the other both publicly and privately, they still used me as a pawn. I became their tool for revenge.” He stared out the window as though his memories were playing on the glass. “They had joint custody. One week here, then a week there. I never felt like I had a home, and it was during a time where no one was divorced. My mom and dad didn’t even try to hide from me that I was their greatest weapon…like somehow that would build my self-esteem.”

“You know, not all marriages are like that?”

“No, but statistically most are. Brett and Annie are unique. They certainly aren’t the norm.”

“But don’t we choose that? I want our marriage to be just like theirs.”

He gazed at Alissa like she held the answers to the world’s problem, and maybe she did. Maybe all children did.

“Our marriage will be what we make it. Even if that’s without children.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“The no children part?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to probe his statement. We’d agreed neither of us wanted kids. He can’t have them, and I have no business with them. I didn’t want to acknowledge the shift I’d seen in him since his goddaughter’s birth. I loved that he loved her and knew he’d cherish their next baby just the same, but this was safe…for both of us.

“I made that decision years ago, Lissa. And I stand by that choice. I’m just grateful I found a woman with the same mindset, who is willing to love our friends’ children but go home empty-handed at the end of the day.”

Dan’s phone rang, breaking the tension that had crept into the room and the conversation. He handed Alissa back to me so he could answer the call. I prayed it was Brett with an update. We hadn’t heard from him in over an hour.

“Hello?”

Listening to one side of a conversation when you were anticipating news was awful. They’d left over seven hours ago, and I hoped Annie hadn’t been in active labor since then.

“Everyone’s good?”

My heart raced with excitement. I raised my eyebrows trying to entice him to say something that would tell me what was going on, but Brett held Dan captivated.

He finally disconnected the call. His eyes danced, and a smile spread from ear to ear.

“They have a son. Brett said he’s perfect, and of course, Annie’s in love. Everyone’s healthy and doing well. He said we can bring Alissa up any time we’re ready to meet him.”

“What’s his name? How long was he? What’d he weigh?” I bounced nervously with the baby in my arms.

Dan put his hand on my thigh to still my movements. He glanced at Alissa, and I realized she was sleeping, and he didn’t want me to wake her.

“They haven’t picked a name yet. But Brett said Annie agreed to let him name him. I don’t know about the other.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? You didn’t ask?”

“No. I just wanted to know they were okay.”

As much as his simplicity irritated me, I adored it, too. He didn’t care about the things that didn’t matter. All he worried about was their health and happiness.

“This has been a long journey for them. Annie never thought they’d have children, and Brett would have done anything to give them to her. He even tried to buy her one on the black market. If you hadn’t come along, I don’t think they would have had either. I’m convinced the only reason she got pregnant was because the stress of conceiving was gone when you were pregnant.”

I laughed. Annie had mentioned Brett putting out feelers to buy a baby, but I’d thought it was all a joke—an exaggeration of what they’d gone through.

“You laugh, but that man would slay dragons for her.” He stood and kissed my temple. “The same way I would for you.”

I grabbed his hand before he could leave the room. When I stared into his eyes, all I could see was devotion tinged with a hint of sadness. I’d never experienced what he offered me, not from my parents, not from Matt—no one had ever loved me the way he did. “Are you okay?”

He patted my butt and nodded. “Come on. I know you want to meet the latest addition to the Ryann family.”

We ended up waiting until Alissa woke up. After we had fed her, Dan called Brett to let him know we were on our way. Annie’s friends had already been by, and she was napping, but he assured us they wanted us to join them.

Introducing Alissa to Baby Boy Ryann, who still didn’t have a name, was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I doubt they knew they were connected, but I’d swear it felt that way. Even in her tiny form, she clutched his little hand like a protective big sister. I couldn’t help but think she told him to hang on for the ride.

I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotion when I held that sweet little boy. He looked nothing like my Joshua, but he had that same baby scent mothers love. As tears ran down my cheeks, I held him close and inhaled deeply. The two of us sat in a chair in the corner while Annie, Brett, and Dan chattered on like she hadn’t just had a baby. I relished in the private moment I got to share with him. With his head nuzzled near my nose, I whispered softly to him, reassuring him he’d have the best life with parents who’d done everything they could to get him here. I thought back to the first time I’d held my son and how amazed I’d been at the life God had blessed me with.

Years later, that blessing was gone, but in this room were five more I hadn’t counted on. After I lost my son, I never imagined I’d have friends like the Ryanns, or a fiancé like Dan, much less two beautiful babies I had the honor of being a godparent to. My life had come full circle, a painful roundabout, but bittersweet. I missed Joshua every day, but each day got a little easier with people like this around to love me. Part of me regretted I’d never share this bond with Dan, that we wouldn’t ever have children of our own. But a bigger part of me was grateful I found a man, who for different reasons, wouldn’t pressure me into risking another human’s life. And, one I’d never have to admit to why I didn’t want to be a parent.

“Penny, are you okay?”

I wiped my tears and gave the three of them a bright smile. I was okay—I was going to make it.

We left the hospital with our friends’ daughter in tow and spent the next two days playing Mommy and Daddy to a little girl we adored. It was hard not to acknowledge how good the two of us were at this parenting gig together, but I’d remind myself, it was temporary. And other than going to the hospital, we didn’t leave the house. And with Dan there, I didn’t have to worry about Alissa’s safety.

It was driving the both of us insane, well, me really, that we hadn’t been privy to a name for this little boy. After two days, I anxiously awaited their arrival and that announcement. Brett had been close-lipped, not even telling Annie.

“You can’t assault them the moment they walk in the door, Penny.”

I gave him the death stare. He was full of crap if he thought they were getting past the foyer without giving over that information. “I’ve waited long enough. They can hand over a name, or I’m keeping their daughter.” My tone was playful, but I was serious.

When I heard the car pull into the driveway, I grabbed Alissa from Dan as a hostage and posted myself feet from the entrance to their house.

“Lissa…” Dan’s warning did nothing to divert my attention.

Before he could intervene, Annie came through the door with Brett at her heels with a baby carrier in his hand.

Annie roared with laughter. She thought this was cute. If it weren’t me, I would agree, but since it was, I refused to budge. My best friend held up her hands in surrender. “Grayson Cole Ryann.”

My mouth dropped, and my jaw came unhinged. She was right—her husband truly was a saint.

“It’s perfect, right? Somehow it heals the pain of loss, both Gray’s and the baby.”

It was never talked about, but Annie and Gray had expected a baby. They’d named him Cole before she miscarried. And her husband had paid respect to both lives in naming his own son. I didn’t know how he did it, but Brett healed her with that single gesture.