Chapter 23

The roar of a Huey pricked Lawson’s ears as he strode up the sidewalk toward a metal building at the entrance of the airfield on Monday morning. He didn’t ignore it this time. He was about to go up in one. Sucking in a breath, he continued walking.

He had to do this. For Beth. Sabrina. And Julie. No way was he letting a little anxiety keep him from staying in Seaside, and from the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He opened the building’s door and walked in, thankful for the drone of the air-conditioning unit.

“Captain Phillips.”

Staff Sergeant Andrews stood at attention. Was that uncertainty in his eyes? Pity? Was everyone here aware of the fact that he’d stayed away from this place because it physically hurt to be here?

“Good to have you back,” Andrews said.

Lawson nodded. “Let’s do this,” he said, really meaning Let’s get this over with.

Today was a training exercise. They’d be flying over the wide expanse of the Corps’ property, and landing in an opening between the bordering pines. Then they’d be flying back to camp. All in the span of a couple of hours.

This was a test. To see if he was able to stay at his current duty station. Or if it was time for him to be asked in a not-so-optional way to be an instructor to the young, up-and-coming pilots with dreams as big as the ones he’d once fostered. Well, screw that. He still had those dreams.

Commander Oakes stepped out of an office. “I’m going with you,” he said.

Probably in case Lawson freaked out in the cockpit. Fair enough.

“Yes, sir.”

Five men walked alongside him. None of them had gone down in one of these aircrafts. Their hearts weren’t beating in triple count to their march right now. But Lawson’s was.

He took a breath and held it, expanding his chest the way Julie had taught him. Just one boot in front of the other, he told himself. One boot in front of the other.

The roar of the engine got impossibly louder as he approached. That was just his nerves, though. He took another calming breath, trying to focus on something other than the aircraft, or on Commander Oakes watching him.

He took a few more steps and entered the Huey. His world suddenly shrank from the wide open outdoors to a small metal compartment just big enough to seat a crew. The faces from his last flight crossed his memory.

One boot in front of the other.

He sat inside the cockpit—ready to fly. At least he hoped so.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Commander Oakes asked, sitting also.

“We’re going up today. The training exercise.”

“You’re not ready. I can see it on your face, in your walk. I saw it before you even left that building over there, Captain.”

“Don’t worry about me, sir,” Lawson said.

Commander Oakes shook his head. “I’m worried about the crew members who’ll be flying with you. I have to be one hundred percent certain that you’re ready. And I don’t believe you are.” He stood stiffly.

“Commander, please.” Lawson turned to him. “I am ready. I just need to push through this.”

“I think it’s time we figure out what’s next for you, Captain Phillips. See me in my office on Friday morning at zero seven hundred. We’ll talk at that time.”

Lawson’s throat burned as the acid rose up. He noticed that he was shaking now, too. Had his commander seen that?

Fuck.

He’d walked inside the Huey and sat down. That was progress. Progress wasn’t good enough, though, and his time was evidently up. Time to move on. Commander Oakes meant in his career, but Lawson would be moving on from a lot more than flying helicopters, and that realization made him sick.

There’d been no text messages. Or lunchtime calls. Those were Lawson’s usual communication during the day. Sometimes he came to the house and had lunch with her and Sabrina. Not today.

Where is he?

Julie grabbed her phone and tapped in a text.

Everything okay?

She waited, glancing over at Sabrina, who was napping on the couch.

A second later, her phone buzzed in her hand. Reading the screen, she frowned. Not Lawson. Beth’s picture appeared in the corner of the screen.

Running five minutes late.

Perfect. Julie glanced at her watch. It would be fine. She’d make it to her interview with at least five minutes to spare and collect herself before impressing Mr. Banks so much that he had no choice but to offer her this job. She really wished she could talk to Lawson first.

Standing, Julie inspected her outfit of choice. Lean khaki pants and a fitted button-down blouse. She wore high heels and a scarf draped around her neck like a necklace. She looked the part. She just needed to walk and talk the part, too. Her interview curse needed to be broken today because she wanted this job as badly as she’d ever wanted anything in her life. Well, almost anything, she thought, thinking of Lawson.

The door opened and Julie hurried in that direction.

“I’m here. Sorry I’m late. Go knock ’em dead,” Beth said, talking quickly.

Julie paused. “I want the job, not a prison sentence.”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” Beth hugged her neck. “Good luck. Now go, go, go!”

Julie wanted to ask Beth if she’d heard from Lawson, but there was no time. He was just busy. He’d mentioned having a training exercise today. She wasn’t sure what that entailed, but he hadn’t seemed too concerned about it.

She slid into the seat of her car and drove five miles over the limit the entire way there. Any faster than that and she was sure to get a ticket. But maybe her luck was changing. She was back in her hometown, surrounded by friends and family. And she was in a relationship with a man who loved her. That made her a pretty lucky woman.

Parking, she gave her phone one last glance. No texts. She sucked in a breath and let it out. Shook out her shoulders. Then she pushed the car door open because she only had three minutes until her interview time.

The door came to an abrupt stop.

“Excuse me. Sorry,” Julie said, getting out of the car and praying she hadn’t hurt the person she’d just pounded her car door into. “I’m so—”

“Good afternoon, Ms. Chandler.” Mr. Banks straightened with a grim expression on his angled face. He looked at his watch. “Looks like our interview begins right now.”

She swallowed. This didn’t bode well for her. “Yes, sir. Are you okay?”

“I served five tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, Ms. Chandler. I’m tougher than your car door.”

“Of course.” She nodded, grabbing her résumé and locking her door behind her. She nervously walked beside Mr. Banks through the Veterans’ Center, conscious of how loudly her high heels clicked in the otherwise silent building.

“Hey, you two,” Allison said, turning a corner and walking toward them. “Looks like you started without me.”

Mr. Banks met her with a friendly smile. He hadn’t smiled like that at Julie.

Perfect. This was going as badly as every other interview she’d ever been on.

“Let’s have a seat in the kitchen. I can close the doors and give us privacy,” Allison said, leading the way. She gave Julie a sideways wink.

They all sat around a small wooden table.

“We’ve already looked at your résumé, Julie,” Allison started. “And, on paper, you have all the qualifications for this position.”

Julie’s gaze skittered toward Mr. Banks, who was focused on the black-and-white résumé before him.

“Why don’t you just tell us why you want this job,” Allison suggested, leaning back in her chair and pulling her hot cup of tea to her mouth.

“Oh, you know…” Julie’s body hummed with nervous energy. “I like to help people. It’s what I was born to do.” She turned to Mr. Banks and waited for him to look up. “I fell in love with yoga because it centers me. I feel calmer and things become clearer for me. Once I found yoga in college, my GPA went up to a 3.8.” She tapped the paper in front of him. “I graduated with honors. I taught yoga to adults and kids at the last athletic club where I worked, and after a year working there I stepped into a management role.” And into the owner’s arms, but she’d leave that part out. “I enjoyed every aspect of that job, down to handling the mundane tasks like making the employees’ schedules for the week.”

Mr. Banks nodded. “So, tell me then, Ms. Chandler. Why did you leave that job?”

Julie’s mouth opened to speak. Honesty was always the best policy, but no way was she telling her interviewer that she’d left because she’d given up all control to a man who’d pretended to love her. “Because I decided it was time to come home. Seaside is where I grew up, and I want to give back to my community. And to the men and women who fight for our country.”

Finally, Mr. Banks smiled, just like he’d done for Allison at the start of the interview. “You know I wasn’t a believer in your yoga program when you first suggested it. But I’ve spoken to a few of the people who’ve taken your class. They say it’s helped them.”

Hope began to spring up inside her. This interview was looking up.

“And it’s clear that you’re passionate about what you do. I think you’d make a great assistant director for the new wing of the Veterans’ Center.”

“You do?” she asked, sounding surprised. She shouldn’t be, though. She’d come a long way since returning to Seaside. And she’d made a difference in others’ lives with her yoga.

“I do.” Mr. Banks glanced at Allison. “We’d be crazy not to hire Ms. Chandler. And I’m not crazy. Are you, Ms. Carmichael?”

Allison laughed. “Not last time I checked.”

Mr. Banks stood, clutching the lapels of his sports coat. “Good. Hire Ms. Chandler then. I have a dinner date to get to.”

“Well, we haven’t discussed what we can offer Ms. Chandler,” Allison said, glancing at Julie. Allison knew good and well that Julie would say yes no matter what they offered. “She might not accept our offer.”

Mr. Banks looked between them. Then he reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a small square of paper, handing it to Julie.

Julie opened it and read.

“Will that work?” he asked, a small smile playing on his mouth.

“Y-yes, sir. That will most definitely work,” Julie said, barely able to contain her excitement. She’d just doubled her monthly income and was going to have benefits. “Thank you, sir.”

He nodded. “Good afternoon, ladies. I’ll be in touch.”

Judging by the number of texts he’d missed from Julie, Lawson had a feeling she’d be stopping by his place any time now. What he was going to say, however, he had no clue.

His stomach had been knotted since earlier in the morning when he’d thought he was going up in a helicopter. He’d thought that was the only hurdle in the day. Wrong. Because now he had to face Julie and tell her he’d failed.

Lawson walked over to his refrigerator and dipped to get another beer out of the bottom drawer. The first one had done nothing to relax him. Nothing was going to take away what had happened, or rather, what had not happened. He twisted the cap off and took a long swig, his eyes burning as he shut them and tried to wash away the events of the day. He’d let everyone down, including himself. His failure meant that Sabrina was going to lose one more person in her life. Beth, too. They depended on him, and he’d dropped the ball. Commander Oakes had seen right through him. Lawson was no longer one of the best and brightest, and now he’d be re-stationed.

Marines moved all the time. It was the nature of the job. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was leaving because he’d failed, in which case he was really no different from his father, who’d left their family due to his inability to cope with Lawson’s mother’s illness. He was no different from Sabrina’s father, who’d left because he couldn’t cope with the new responsibility of having a wife and child. Just like them, Lawson had failed to cope; he was a failure. Weak. How had he ever thought he deserved a woman like Julie? She was so much stronger than he was. She’d faced her fears and come out on top. He’d faced his and lost.

Lawson tipped his bottle up and took another long gulp of beer. Dr. Pierce had warned him not to jump into a new relationship. He’d jumped anyway—headfirst like a damn idiot. Now Julie would get hurt. Today she’d interviewed for the assistant director job at the Veterans’ Center. If she’d gotten the job, a dream of hers would be coming true. Who the hell was he to ask her to re-station with him? He had no right. Not when this mess was all his fault.

The doorbell rang and his chest tightened. He set his empty beer bottle down, then walked to the door and opened it.

“Hi!” Julie beamed at him in the open doorway. Even those green eyes of hers were twinkling.

“You got the job,” he said, as relief and disappointment played knockout in his chest.

“I got the job!” she squealed, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet. Then she threw her arms around him and giggled. He’d never been one to find giggling attractive, but this time he did. Everything about Julie was attractive. She was wonderful. Sweet. Smart. She deserved better than what he was about to do.

“That’s wonderful,” he whispered, breathing in her scent, memorizing it because this was the last time he’d hold her in his arms. “Great news.”

She pulled back and looked at him, her smile falling a notch. “You okay? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine,” he said. If “fine” meant he felt like a grenade had just gone off in his chest.

“Oh. Okay. Well, good.” She stepped inside and started talking excitedly. She was getting a raise, an office, and a parking spot just for her. “I feel so special,” she said, grinning at him.

“You deserve to feel special, Julie.” His voice was void of enthusiasm. He sat on the arm of his couch.

“Lawson, what’s wrong?” Julie’s eyes tilted in concern. “Did something happen today?”

No. Nothing had happened, except life as he knew it had ended. He needed another beer. Getting up, he headed toward the refrigerator. “I don’t want to talk about my day, all right? You got the job. Life is good.” He grabbed another bottle, twisted off the top, and drank.

“You don’t get drunk anymore,” she said softly. “You told me that you like to stay in control.”

“Well, today’s a special day, right? You got the job. Everything is perfect.” His voice was rising. He heard the hard edge in it, half due to the alcohol buzzing through him and half because this was what needed to happen. He needed to start building a wall between them, pushing Julie away. He never should’ve pulled her close to begin with.

“Lawson?” Julie’s eyes were no longer twinkling. “Just talk to me.”

“Talk.” He laughed a little. “Fuck talking. I’m so sick of everyone wanting to talk about what’s bothering me. I don’t talk about my feelings, darling. That’s one of my many, many weaknesses. You should know that about me. You should also know that I’m unreliable. If I promise I’ll be here for you, I won’t.”

Sabrina’s sweet face flashed through his mind. Damn, he was an asshole. Just as much as her dickhead father.

“I’m a loser. A failure,” he continued, laying everything out for her. “In fact, you jumped out of bed with one loser and right into bed with another one. Got to hand it to you, sweetheart. You really know how to pick ’em.”

Julie’s lips parted. He took another drink, hating himself down to the very core.

“You’re nothing like my ex,” she said quietly. “This isn’t you. Just tell me what happened.”

“What happened is I had a wake-up call. That’s all,” he said. “You should, too. I’m no good for you. You should leave.” He pointed to the door.

Instead of stepping toward it, Julie stepped closer to him.

Lawson lifted a hand to keep her away. He didn’t need her hugs right now. He just needed her to leave him alone. “Just go, Julie. You should be celebrating that new job of yours. It’s your dream come true.”

“I don’t want to celebrate without you.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I love you.”

His throat tightened, and damn, he loved her, too. Loved her so damn much that saying goodbye to her was going to kill him. “Well, I don’t…love you. I’m sorry, Julie. What I said this weekend, I shouldn’t have said that. We were in the moment and—”

“And you wanted sex. Is that it?” She shook her head, hurt shining in her eyes as she looked at him. He hated himself for that. “I can’t believe I let myself fall for you. I’m such a fool.”

Shrugging, he nodded. “Maybe you should be more careful of who you trust your heart to.”

Julie’s chin lifted. Her lower lip trembled. “Thanks for the advice. I’ll remember that.” Turning, she headed for the door. She was going to leave now. His first instinct was to stop her. To walk ahead of her, put his hand on the door, keep her from opening it and from walking away. That’s what he wanted to do. But that wasn’t what she needed. She was better off without him.

“Goodbye, Lawson,” she said, her voice cracking just slightly.

Then she slammed the front door behind her, the sound reverberating in his head along with the alcohol. He stared after her for a long moment. Then, finishing his beer, he got up and went to get another.

Julie got halfway down the street before she let the tears start falling. She gasped for air as emotion overwhelmed her. Had she and Lawson just broken up? For no reason? Had she really been that wrong about him?

She pulled her car to the side of the road and pressed a hand to her heart.

Yeah. She’d trusted her heart to him and he’d broken it. Just an hour ago, everything had been perfect. At least that’s the way it’d seemed. Now her world was shattered. She’d gotten the job, but she wasn’t excited anymore, because she’d lost something, someone, who meant more to her.

She grabbed several Kleenex from the side compartment of her car door, letting the tears fall as she sat there. Then, when her eyes were clear, she took a few calming breaths, pulled her phone out of her purse, and called the one person she’d always been able to depend on. The one person who would never let her down.

“Hello?” Kat answered after three rings.

“Hey, sis. I’m heading home. Can you come over?”

“What’s wrong?” Kat asked. “Are you okay?”

“Physically, yes.” It was Julie’s heart that had taken the beating when she’d sworn she’d never let another man hurt her. Lawson wasn’t the type of man who would, though. At least she hadn’t thought so. “Emotionally, no.”

“I’ll be right there. Do you have chocolate?” Kat asked.

Julie laughed even as the tears streamed down her face. “No.”

“I’ll bring it. See you soon.”

Julie hung up and pointed her Honda Civic in the direction of her home, swearing to herself that this was it—the last time she’d entrust her heart to someone.

Never again.

Kat arrived at her house in less than twenty minutes. She walked in, bearing wine and chocolate. And Val.

“I brought backup,” Kat said, not bothering to knock.

Julie sat up on the couch and attempted a smile, but it fell flat. Her lower lip trembled and she laid her head back on the armrest.

“Oh, sweetie.” Kat plopped down beside her. Val took the floor in front of her.

“What did that idiot do?” Val asked, smoothing a strand of Julie’s hair behind her ear.

“He told me he loved me over the weekend.” Julie pressed her eyes closed.

“Okay,” Val said, drawing out the word. “And that’s bad because?”

“Because he just broke up with me. Now he says he doesn’t love me. It was a lie.” Julie’s chest shook as she took a breath.

Kat pressed a piece of chocolate into her palm as if it were medication.

Julie popped it into her mouth. “Thank you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Val argued. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know.” The chocolate dissolving on her tongue did make her feel a little better. “Because of sex. Isn’t that all guys want?”

“But he was already getting the sex,” Kat pointed out. “So no need to tell you he loves you.”

Julie whimpered.

“Okay, okay. He’s a jerk,” Kat said.

“All men are jerks,” Val agreed.

“That’s better.” Julie opened her palm for another piece of chocolate, which Kat placed in her hand. “Keep it coming.” She popped it into her mouth, and then cracked her eyes open. “I told him first,” she said, sniffling. “Maybe he just said it because he felt like he had to.”

Kat’s eyes tilted sympathetically. “Lawson doesn’t seem like that kind of guy, either.”

That’s what Julie had wrongly thought, too. But she was beginning to understand that when it came to men she was clueless. Best to stay away altogether if that was the case.