Since Ma’s surgery is the following week, Declan and Amberlyn want to make sure to spend as much time as they can with her. Which I guess is why they decided to join us for breakfast. I bet they were looking forward to a nice family breakfast, talking to Ma about whatever and having her hold Ronan while she gushed over him. Like it had been before I came home.

Bet they never thought they’d be in the middle of a screaming match.

“I don’t understand why yer so upset. It’s no big deal!”

Ma’s eyes widened as much as they could. “Lena, you were in the pub after six! Are ya mad?”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. I wasn’t doing anything but having a drink with a friend.”

“A friend? Ya kissed him! A lady doesn’t find herself in a pub after six and then kiss a man in front of a full room.”

I let my head fall back, a piece of bacon hanging from my lips. I don’t know what I expected. I knew damn well it would get back to her somehow.

“Declan never did such a thing,” she exclaims.

“Ah, he did, but since he has a cock between his legs, it didn’t matter,” I say, sitting up, ignoring Declan’s death glare. “He was making out with Amberlyn all the time in the pub. No one batted a wee eye though, ’cause he’s the Whiskey Prince. Boys will be boys!”

Amberlyn’s cheeks redden as she glares over at me. “Thanks, Lena.”

“Anytime,” I answer with a wink as I reach for my OJ. “It really isn’t a big deal.”

“But it is.” It’s my da this time, his eyes trained on me as his lips press into a line. “You know what is expected of you. It’s against the rules.”

“For goodness’ sake, it’s not the sixties. Fuck the rules, they’re mad as hell!”

“Lena!”

“Ma, for real. I don’t care. I’ll do everything ya want. Teas, ceremonies, and whatever else ya come at me with. But if I want to kiss a guy in a pub after six, I’m going to.”

“It isn’t right!”

I happen to think it was very right. A small little grin pulls at my lips as I think of Jackson. The way his hand came to rest against my forearm, the feel of his jaw in my hand, the tickle of his beard under my lips. The best part was the stunned look on his handsome face. It was all so perfect.

“What is it about that damn pub?” Ma looks around at all of us. “It’s just a pub, yet both my children seem drawn to the place.”

Declan shrugs, looking over at Amberlyn, a grin on his lips as he covers her hand. “I fell in love there.”

Amberlyn’s face warms a bit more as she laces her fingers with his. “We both did.”

“I go ’cause Fiona is hot,” I announce, and I mean it as a joke to calm Ma down, but it only makes her louder.

“So now yer tell me yer eating carpet. I wouldn’t be surprised!”

Declan balks at that while Amberlyn’s jaw drops. Looking to me, Declan asks, “Did she just ask if yer into girls?”

“I think she did,” I say, shaking my head. “But don’t worry, Ma, I haven’t played for that team yet.”

“Yet!” she roars, and I don’t miss the way Declan is holding back his laughter. Even he sees this is just pathetic. I mean, I get it. It’s the way I was raised, but things change. People change. I’ve changed. Completely. And it irritates me that she doesn’t realize that.

“Love, wasn’t she kissing a man in the pub?”

Ma throws her hands up at Da. “Yeah, which is another thing! Are ya mad? A bartender—”

“I won’t speak of him,” I say simply, my gaze cutting to hers. “Leave him out of this.”

I refuse to allow her to talk bad about Jackson. She’d call him everything but what he truly is, which is amazing. She doesn’t know how caring and sweet he is. How, when he looks at me, I get all gooey inside. She can’t take that from me. I won’t allow it.

“How can I? Yer making a fool out of yerself! Ya think yer going to be with him?”

I don’t answer her, shaking my head. I don’t know what I think, or what he thinks, but I refuse to let anyone tell me I can’t be with him. “Yer to be with someone of worth!”

“And who says he isn’t?” I answer, and she glares.

“Ya know what I mean. I won’t let you marry down like Declan did!”

I grimace as Declan slams his hand to the table. “Ma!”

She holds her hands up. “I don’t mean that with disrespect.”

“Yet yer words held it all!” he yells back, and when I look at Amberlyn, she is just rolling her eyes. “Amberlyn is perfect for me.”

“She is, my love. I’m sorry, Amberlyn, but surely ya know what I mean. Lena has to marry her worth.”

Amberlyn shrugs. “And who is to say that this man isn’t that? Y’all doubted me, and I think we’re doing great, right, babe?”

Declan grins at her. “And then some, mo stór.”

“That’s an isolated incident, and honestly, we can’t do it once more. What in the hell will people think?”

“Who the fuck cares?” I exclaim. “I don’t.”

“Who the hell are ya?” Ma yells after a bit. “I don’t understand. Doesn’t anyone understand what the hell is going on here?”

She looks around the table as I eat some of my black pudding, making a face at her dramatics. “Maybe I’m tired of having to be someone I’m not.”

I can see the roar coming before she even opens her mouth, but Declan stops her. “Ma, come on.” Her gaze cuts to Declan as Da’s does the same. “Let her be. Don’t ya see? Short from yelling it at ya, she’s trying to figure out who she is.”

“Which is fine as long as she stays within the rules.”

“But I won’t,” I say matter-of-factly, which results in everyone gawking at me. “I want to find my own way. I want to be me—”

“You don’t get that luxury, Lena. Yer an O’Callaghan.”

“And I’m damn proud of that, Ma, but I want to be me as an O’Callaghan.”

“You can’t! We have stand—”

“Oh Jaysus!” I yell, standing up and slamming my chair in. “I don’t care. I don’t care at all. This is who I am. Love me or not. Fuck.”

Ma calls my name as I walk away. Hell, so does my da, but I’m done. I refuse to be subjected to so much scrutiny. I did it for twenty-two years. I’m done. I’m ready to be me. I’m almost to the front door when someone grabs my wrist. I think it’s my ma, until I whip around to see Declan.

Before I can speak, he says, “I love you, Lena.”

I didn’t expect him to say that. “I love you too.”

“And I get it. They have been pounding you with the rules and the standards yer whole life. Ya almost married someone you never loved. I get it. I do, and I love you no matter what. As do they, they’re just having a hard time seeing that.”

Looking down at where he is holding my wrist, I sigh, nodding. “I know.”

He squeezes my wrist once more. “I wouldn’t hold you to any of these rules if I had my choice. Ya know that, right?”

I nod. “I do.”

“And while I support ya, tone it down a bit. Don’t be so blatant about it.”

I look to him, my eyes narrowing a bit. “So, be who I want but within their rules?”

He holds my gaze, his eyes full of pain and worry. I know he has so much to worry for, and I don’t want to add to that. “No, that’s not what I mean at all. I mean, don’t go out of your way to break the rules.”

Pulling my wrist from his grasp, I glare. “Who said I am?”

“Lena, ya know ya can’t be in the pub after six, and then ya kissed the lad? Shit.”

“If I want to go to the pub, I will. I don’t care what time it is, and it wasn’t like I threw him on the bar and fucked him there. I kissed his jaw.”

Declan shakes his head. “Kane said it was like no one else was in the room. Only you two.”

I felt like that, but it didn’t matter. “So?”

He sighs heavily, shaking his head. “Yer right. Keep yer head up. Yeah?”

He doesn’t want to argue with me. I can see that all over his face, and there is no point. I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing. Is it against the rules? Sure. Do I care? Not in the least. “Yeah.”

With that, we turn away from each other, and I head out the door. I slam the door behind me, and I’m annoyed with it all. I head down the mountain of stairs before cutting toward the stables. I know Jackson is waiting for me, and I worry he may not be able to ride with me since I’ve taken so long. I need this ride, though. I need to let go of everything that is weighing me down.

And I need to see Jackson.

Reaching the stables, I find him fixing the saddle on Belle. I watch him for a moment. Even in his uniform, I can see his muscles flexing with each move he makes. His eyes are intense as he makes sure everything is correct. When he bites his bottom lip, stroking his fingers over Belle’s mane, my insides go tight.

He drives me wild.

He must have sensed I was there. Looking toward me, he curves his lips. “You’re late.”

“I know, Ma was yelling at me this morning.” Walking toward him, I smile. “Like always.”

He chuckles. “Since everyone was losing their minds when you left last night, I guess it’s safe to assume it was about me?”

I shrug. “Yeah, and the fact that I have no concern for any of the rules I grew up following.”

He nods as he leans into the gate. “Why is that?”

Taking Belle’s muzzle in my hands, I kiss her nose before answering. “Because I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”

I can feel him watching me. “But you wanted to be at one time, right?”

Biting my lip, I nod. “I did.”

“What changed?”

Casey.

Casey changed me.

I shrug. “Who knows?”

“You do,” he says simply before grabbing me by my waist, pulling me into him. He is so warm, so big, and when he wraps his arms around me, I turn in his embrace, kissing the bottom of his jaw. His arms tighten around me as he dusts kisses along my forehead. “You could tell me,” he whispers, and I close my eyes, wrapping my arms as far around him as they will go.

“No point,” I decide, and he shrugs at that.

“May make you feel better.”

I doubt it, but I can’t tell him that. “You know what would make me feel better?”

He looks down to me. “What?”

“A kiss.”

His lips curve up. “A kiss?”

“From yer lips.”

“My lips, hmm,” he muses before dropping his mouth mere inches from mine. “I think I can make that happen.”

I can’t take it anymore; I need his lips—now. Going up on my toes, I take his lips with mine, and everything disappears. It’s him and me. Nothing else but our mouths moving together as he holds me tightly to him. I’m not thinking of my ma or even what Declan had said. Only Jackson. It’s so freeing.

Pulling away, he kisses my bottom lip as he runs his hand along the back of my neck, squeezing it gently. “Pretty sure I’d get fired for kissing the princess if Pip saw me.”

“Ah, screw him,” I say, and he grins against my lips. “Don’t tell me yer starting to care what people think?”

He laughs at that. “No, but it did knock me down a peg when everyone kept saying, ‘Can’t believe she’s making out with a bartender.’” He smiles. “I made sure to let them know I slept in a tent and was a horse groom too.”

I laugh at that, and he moves his nose against mine as I whisper, “I only care what you think.”

“Same with me.” Sliding his fingers along my cheek, he kisses my nose. “But we have all night.”

My stomach flutters. “We do.”

He squeezes my waist with his other hand as he steps backward. “Yeah, but this girl is ready for a ride.”

I look at Belle and smile. “I know I need it.”

“Good. It’s a great day. Go clear your head.”

I make a face. “Yer not coming?”

He looks at me sadly. “As much as I wish I could, Pip is out sick, so I’m caring for his horses and mine.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Yeah, but then it makes me more excited to get you completely alone tonight.”

I can’t contain the huge grin that takes over my face as I lean into him, kissing his jaw once more. “I can’t wait.”

“Good,” he says, smacking my arse before kissing my lips softly.

“Can I ask something?”

He gives me a look. “You can ask me anything.”

I grin up at him. “Can we go on a picnic? I’ve always wanted to do it, and I saw Declan out with Amberlyn and Ronan yesterday afternoon. I almost joined them, but I want to go with you.”

He grins back at me, leaning into the horse as his fingers trail down to my hip. “With me, huh? The bartender.”

I take a step toward him, gripping his jaw in my fingers. “With you, Jackson.”

I can tell that pleases him as he nods. “Tell me the time and place.”

I give a little wiggle as I bite into my lip. “I sure will.”

“Good.” He helps guide me to the horse. “Now, since you’re going by yourself, it’s a great opportunity to go scream alone. I don’t like screaming with people around.”

“True.”

“Yeah,” he says with a grin before kissing my jaw. “So, go chase the wind.”

Go chase the wind.

I’ve never been told that.

Not sure what to say, I don’t speak as he helps me get on Belle. Though I don’t need the help, I welcome it. Anything to get him to touch me. I take one last look at him, and we share a smile before he smacks Belle’s hind legs, which sends her out of the stables at a fast trot. Holding the reins, I kick into her sides, and she takes off. Jackson was right. The day is perfect, so bright and clear. As we go around the house, I urge her harder once we reach the field.

And we’re off.

As the wind kisses my face, blowing my hair everywhere, I feel as if I’m in the clouds. We’re going so fast, and while I’m holding on for dear life, I can’t help but cry out in happiness. The scenery is a blur, I don’t even see anything, I just feel. The wind, the sun, and vibrations of Belle’s gallop. I almost feel as if I’m flying. It’s damn near magical for sure.

When we reach the spot where Jackson took me a couple days ago, I slow Belle down. “Sweet girl. You’s a beast.”

Pulling her to a stop, I get off with ease, tucking in her reins so she can graze. I think we both need a break. I’m breathing as heavily as she is, plus, I just want to sit. Going to the bench of wood, I sit down, looking over the small little lake as I take in a deep breath of the scent of honey. Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back as the conversation with my family plays over and over again.

I hadn’t wanted any of that to happen this morning, and the more I think about it, the more Declan’s words ring true. Was I being blatant about my disregard for the rules? I mean, I hate them. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be me, and it annoys me that my ma can’t see that. I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to be the best version of me, and being perfect like her didn’t protect me.

If anything, it made me naïve.

Growing up as her carbon copy made me feel like I was untouchable, like no one could ever hurt me. I was obviously wrong. While Ma says people hold us to a higher regard, that they cherish us, Casey did not. When that happened, I wanted nothing more than to shut down, but she wouldn’t let me. What would people think, she told me. So I did as my ma wanted. She ran my life. I never had to put myself out there; I basically hid behind her. But even doing that, it all came crumbling down. I can’t do it anymore.

I have to be me.

I have to protect me.

But how can I do that without hurting my ma?

As the tears leak out of my eyes, I felt my lips start to wobble. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to be her either. I don’t like who I am when I think I’m untouchable. I don’t like following rules that exist to please everyone but me.

“I want to be me.”

The words mean so much to me.

“I want to be me, and no one can hurt me,” I yell as I open my eyes. Standing up, I put my hands on my head, screaming the words once more.

And then again.

And again.

Maybe if I scream it enough, I will start believing myself.