Day ninety-one.

I remember when my mom left. She promised that she’d be back to get me before school started. That we’d go shopping for new supplies and clothes. I asked for the new Jordans, and she told me she’d see what she could do. But again, she promised she’d see me in only three months.

I stopped counting at Day 1,095.

I think I finally realized then that my dad would never let me see my mom again. I remember sitting in my room, sobbing for her. But I knew she couldn’t hear me. My dad didn’t care; he laughed when I used to cry for her. I remember the pain in my chest and my gut. I can still feel the snot on my hands from wiping my nose over and over again. I felt like I wanted to die, almost how I feel now.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath as I move the chair to the top of the table. I already said bye to the guys, wishing them well and promising them a drink when I’m in town again. Probably when I come back for court. But it may be too painful to be here and know I can’t see or touch Lena.

Not that she would let me.

Her face, fuck, her eyes. Everything had been excruciating to see that day. I never wanted to make her cry, make her hurt, but I had done both. The thing is, I knew damn well what I was doing when I fell for her. I set us up for that, and if I hadn’t felt like a jerk already, I’d feel like the dirt on the sole of her shoes.

Fuck, I miss her.

Already, and I haven’t even left yet.

I’ve wanted to go to her room for the last week and a half. I’d see her here and there, but I wouldn’t approach her. I considered it when I saw her riding yesterday. I wanted to stop her, tell her I was sorry and that I was a coward, but I couldn’t look her in the eye. I couldn’t admit the fact that I was throwing away my future because of my past. Something I had told her not to do. I broke her heart, and there was no way I could fix that.

I’m a fucking hypocrite.

A worthless hypocrite who will probably die alone.

Wow, table for one at the pity party, please.

When I reach for another chair and place it on the table, I find Fiona and Amberlyn watching me. Crap, how long have they been there? I really didn’t want to be social, but I don’t think they’re gonna give me a choice. Putting on a brave face, I smile. “She hire you back? The replacement being replaced by the original?”

“No, she turned me down. She’s got a kid and a husband. Like it’s so hard,” Fiona said with a laugh, laying an envelope on the table. “This is for ya.”

I come to the bar, taking the envelope in my hand before tapping it to the bar. “Thank you.”

“It has my number, for if ya find yerself back and need a job.”

I smile. “This is the first place I’d go.”

“Ya better,” she says and then brings me in for a tight hug. “I wish you’d just stay.”

“Yeah, but Scotland and then the world is waiting for me.”

“Eh, screw them. We’re better,” she says with a wink, and then she taps my bicep. “Pretty sure ya heard there is no other place like Mayo.”

My stomach turns. “I did hear that.”

She thumps the bar. “It’s true.” Problem is, I already know that. “Ya change yer mind, the job is still yers.”

“Thanks, Fiona. Honestly.”

She nods, but the joy isn’t in her eyes as she turns to head out through the kitchen door. I am going to miss that girl almost as much as I will miss Lena. Fiona was a great boss and a super mom. I am going to miss this pub. It was by far my favorite place to work. The people, the food, the drinks. Everything was just perfect.

Just as Lena had said it was.

But I’m pretty sure it was Lena that made everything so damn great.

Exhaling, I fold up my check, tucking it into my pocket before I go back to work and to finish my pity party. I have my rag out, ready to wipe down the bar when I notice Amberlyn didn’t follow Fiona. She is watching me, a weird look on her face. I look at her in question. “Do you have a check for me too?”

She laughs, leaning on the bar. “No, I’m just not ready to go yet.”

“Oh?”

“We don’t know each other well.”

I shrug. “I mean, not too well, but we’re cool. You bring me cookies, so basically, I think you’re the coolest chick ever.”

She grins. “You’re sweet. But let me ask you something, Jackson.”

I have a feeling she’s about to ask me about Lena, and I’m unsure how I’ll get out of it. “Did you ever hear why I came here?”

Oh. I hadn’t expected that. I lean on the bar too, lacing my fingers together. “Your parents had passed, right?”

She nods, a small smile on her face. “My dad died when I was younger, but I lost my mom only four years ago.” Lacing her fingers together, she lets out a soft sigh. “I remember thinking I was crazy to come here, but she wanted so badly for me to, so I came.”

“I’m surprised you weren’t scared.”

She laughs. “I was terrified.” I smile as she goes on, “My mom, she gave me three things to do once I got here.” She held up three fingers before naming them off. “Fall in love, take a risk, and do something drastic.”

A smile pulls at my lips. “Did you do it?”

She grins widely. “Yes! My risk was putting myself out there. I am a shy girl. But I wanted Declan so badly, I told him. I was with someone at the time, but I told Declan not to give up on me.”

“Obviously, he didn’t.”

“Nope, and then I fell for him. Oh, I fell hard. So hard, that my something drastic was jumping in front of a bullet for him.”

I nod, the story giving me chills like it did the first time it was told to me. “That’s some love.”

“It is. He is my other half.”

Yer my other half.

I grimace at the thought, still hearing Lena in my head. “That’s great.”

“Have you done those three things?”

I look up at her, confused. “I don’t have to, do I?”

“I would,” she says, holding my gaze. “I think they’re actually a good life plan.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, maybe not so accurately, but fall in love with the situation you’re in. Do something drastic to make your day better. And take a risk to achieve what you want.”

Her eyes are bright as she grins back at me. “I have them framed in my living room. I try to do them every day. My risk today, not plugging my nose while I changed Ronan’s diaper.”

I laugh out. “How’d that go?”

“Ah, awful, but I did it.”

“Risk-taker,” I say with a wink, and she smiles.

“It’s liberating. Taking a risk, falling in love, and doing something drastic—all three things can change your life.” I shrug, not truly convinced. I just don’t think they apply to me. But the way Amberlyn is looking at me, I think she thinks they do. “Have you taken a risk lately?”

I figure I’ll entertain her, so I shrug as I think that over. “I fought some guy I didn’t know because he hurt the girl I loved.”

She grinned. “So you’ve fallen in love?”

“Oh yeah, head over heels, face in the dirt in love with her.”

Her eyes sparkle as she leans on the bar. “Have ya done something drastic?”

This is where she loses me. Shaking my head, I shrug at her dismay. “Nothing to do.”

“Sure there is.”

“What?”

“Stay for her.”

I try to laugh, but it comes out more like a cough. “I can’t, even if I wanted to.”

“Why’s that?”

I just shake my head. “Personal shit.”

“You’re never going to see me again. Why not just tell me?” she asks innocently, and I shake my head as I look down at the bar.

“I don’t want to be tied down.”

“Oh, so a man with a gypsy soul who is born to leave?”

“Eh, I wouldn’t say all that.”

“Was that how you were raised?”

I just blinked. “No, my dad really wasn’t there for me—or my mom, for that matter.”

She nods. “Did he leave you a lot?”

I shake my head. “No, but he wouldn’t let me leave when I wanted to, and I wanted to really bad.”

“Ah,” she says, and then she reaches out for my hand, squeezing it tightly. “I see, that’s a tough one.”

I scoff. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Can you honestly leave here and not think about her? Close your eyes and not see Lena the moment your lashes hit your cheeks? Or smell her, even though you know she’s not there? Can you walk away, and not feel the burn of regret?”

Her questions are like knives as I gaze into her eyes. “Because I’d never be able to do that with Declan. I miss him when he’s within reach.”

My chest aches as I inhale. I felt the same for Lena. “Seems the O’Callaghans have something about them that causes that.”

“It’s the eyes,” she answers, and I have to look away.

She is completely right.

“So, answer me, Jackson. Can you walk away and know you’ll find a better love than what you have with her?”

My mouth goes dry as I look up, meeting her gaze. I feel like I’m choking because I know every answer to every question she’s asked.

I’ll think of Lena every second. I don’t have to close my eyes to see her, nor to try to smell her. She’s all over me. The regret, oh, it’s burning, and I haven’t even left yet. But still, I’m trying to ignore it.

“What the hell? You’re supposed to be the quiet, nice one.”

She laughs, waving me off. “It’s all a ploy to get people to like me and open up.”

“You’re full of witchcraft,” I tease, and she squeezes my hand as I fall silent.

“Don’t leave.”

Patting my hand one last time, she shares a smile with me before turning and leaving the bar like she hasn’t just flipped my world upside down. I was sure there was no way she could occupy even more of my thoughts, but I was wrong. For now, as I stand in the pub where I saw her for the first time in Mayo, I can’t help but kick myself for walking away.

But I don’t deserve her, and the thought of someone else touching her makes my skin crawl.

Damn it, I want her.

I miss her.

I love her.

I need her.

But can I stay?