“Ya didn’t have to walk me back.”

Jackson’s eyes are dark as he looks over at me, squeezing my fingers with his. “I wanted to.”

My heart soars a bit as we head past the stables. It’s a cold morning, but I’m still burning hot from our night in the tent. Jackson made love to me like no other. He was careful, he was sweet, but then he was rough when I wanted it. He made me feel so good, and I don’t want to leave him. “What are your plans for today?”

He shrugs. “I have to work at the pub, but other than that, I’m going to explore some more. What are you doing?”

“I have a thing up in Dublin today.”

“Oh, fun.”

“No, actually, it will be unbelievably boring. I just sit there and smile while a bunch of old people talk about scholarships and stuff.”

He scoffs. “I bet ’cause you’re so beautiful, you make the room light up.”

“Ah, almost a smooth talker.”

He laughs at that. “Nowhere near, but I like to try around you.”

We share a smile. “I’ll probably come by tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, do ya mind?”

He gives me a look. “Never. I enjoy seeing you.”

“Me too,” I agree as we reach the house. “Well, here we are.”

“Here we are,” he repeats, looking up at the castle. I start to do the same, but then he takes me in his arms, kissing me hard and with such need. His fingers bite into my back, holding me so close I feel like I’m being smothered in his arms. I love it.

I do.

When he pulls back, it’s only a mere breath before he whispers, “I can’t wait to see you again.”

I’m breathless. “Soon?”

“Whenever you want me.”

“Which is all the time,” I say, and he grins at me.

“Text me?”

I nod as I press my lips to his. “I will.”

He kisses me once more. “Bye.”

“See ya.”

I watch as he walks away, and when he glances back at me, I wave. His face lights up, and my heart goes wild for him. I don’t know what is happening, but I sure like it a lot. On an exhale, I head up the stairs, a grin on my face as I push the door open.

But I don’t even make it through the front door before her voice stops me.

“I am just disgusted, Lena.”

Well, hell.

“Not now, Ma,” I say. I really can’t. Looking at her, it hurts. She looks worse than she did yesterday, tired and weak. I don’t want to fight with her because when I do, it reminds me that she may be leaving me, and I can’t do that.

I can’t accept it.

It’s easy when I’m gone from home, on my horse or with Jackson. I don’t think of what is happening here. I only complain about how hard she is on me. I don’t acknowledge that she is hard on me because she could be dying. That I am to replace her, and right now, I can’t do it. I’m actually in a grand fucking mood, and I don’t want to think of the things I can’t change at the moment.

“You didn’t come home last night.”

I let my shoulders fall. “How in the hell do you know these things? Surely, it’s not on the blogs already.”

“No, I know because I checked, and I saw you out there with him!”

Of course, she did. “Ma, I’m a grown—”

“Don’t give me this grown woman crap. Yer an O’Callaghan, and you are to follow the rules that have stood for years on end.”

“Ma—”

“You’s went too far. If someone saw ya, or found out, what would have happened?”

“Nothing, ’cause I wouldn’t care.”

“You have to care! It is our name.”

Throwing my hands up, I glare at her. “Aren’t you tired of saying the same shite to me over and over again? ‘Lena, ya do this wrong. Lena, yer doing this wrong. Lena, ya know how to act.’ I’m not listening. Hang it up, Ma!”

“I can’t, because I love you, and I want you to be the woman ya was raised to be.”

“But I’m not.”

“You are!”

She isn’t listening to me, not even in the slightest, but can I blame her? I don’t listen to her; this is probably payback. Either way, I’m done arguing about the same thing.

“Fine, Ma, I’ll try harder.”

As I turn to walk away, she grabs me, squeezing my arm tightly. “You know damn well ya won’t! You know how to act, what is expected of you. Why do you keep fighting me on this now? You’ve never done that before.”

Looking her square in her eyes, I want to cry. This woman isn’t my ma, the same way I’m not the Lena she raised. “Because I don’t want to be that person, Ma. I don’t.”

“But, Lena, this is how it is. Ya know this. We carry ourselves in the highest manner so that people look up to ya, people want to be ya. How do you forget that?”

“I forget because I don’t care!” I yell, my eyes clouding with tears, and soon it’s all too much. “And if you don’t like it, don’t die!” Her eyes widen, almost as if I’ve hit her. “I don’t want to be you. I can’t be you. I don’t know how you can’t see that. I’m not the girl ya raised anymore, Ma. She was gone the moment I got to Dublin. The moment I tasted freedom and didn’t give two shites about what anyone thought of me. I can’t do this. So ya can’t die, it’s that simple.”

“Ah, like I have any control over that.”

“Ya do! Don’t you dare die! You’s got to do this because I can’t. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare leave me on this earth without you. I need you.”

A sob leaves my lips, and I cover my mouth, holding my stomach at the same time. I hadn’t meant to say that, I know it’s out of her control, but I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to accept this. I can’t accept this. How in the world am I supposed to be her when no one can be her? I am nowhere near honorable enough. Hell, I can’t even follow rules that have been instilled in me since birth. I want to blame Jackson and the pull he has on me, but it’s all me.

I don’t want this life.

But I want me ma.

When her arms come around me, I fall into her, clinging to her as she kisses my temples. “Ah, my love. My sweet, beautiful Lena. Lassie, I don’t want to leave you either, I don’t, and I won’t for as long as I can. Ya hear me?”

“I don’t want you to leave me,” I sob, clinging to her. “I don’t want to accept it.”

“Don’t. I haven’t.”

My lips wobble. “I can’t.”

“Grand, my love, but ya gotta remember, no matter what, I’ll be inside of you. You are me, my love, you are.”

“I’m not. I’m a broken-down version of you.”

“One that is ready to be whole,” she whispers, taking my face in her hands. “You are Lena O’Callaghan, princess of Mayo. You speak, they listen. You hear me?”

I shake my head. “No, Ma, they laugh at me.”

“And that’s where yer not caring comes in, my love.” Her eyes burn into mine. “I’m being hard on ya, I know I am, but it’s because I know what you are capable of.”

I can only shake my head. I don’t want to think I’m capable of nothing, but I do. I want to believe I am who she says I am. The woman Jackson urges me to believe in, but he took that from me.

Shattering inside, I whisper, “I’m scared, Ma.”

“No, you can’t be ’cause nothing can touch you.”

But I know it can. Or better yet, he can.

“You are strong, Lena. Yer brave and yer beautiful—”

“I’m not, Ma. I’m a fake now.”

“No, my love, you are.”

I take a shaky breath, holding her tightly. “I want to be.”

“Then be it.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I cling to her as she kisses my temple. “It’s not that easy, Ma. I have all this bullshite inside of me, holding me back—”

“Ah, Lena, ya know I know.”

I pull back, looking at her. “Know?”

“I put two and two together. He was released, and ya went wild, Lena.” I look away, biting my lip so hard, I taste blood as I try to determine how she figured it out. But then, that’s my ma. She knows everything before everyone else. “He can’t touch you, my love. He’ll die before that happens. Don’t ya know that?”

My lips wobble even more. “I’m scared.”

“Why? He is nothing. You are everything.”

Tears start to roll down my face. “He took it all.”

“He took nothing.”

“Ma—”

“No, Lena. You can’t give him any more power. He doesn’t deserve it. It’s your power.”

It’s my power.

Mine.

Not his.

But is it that easy?

I look at her through my tears. “How do I make him go away? How do I stop giving him the power he has?”

“By loving yourself.” I can only blink as she reaches for me, kissing my palms. “You have to love yourself the way I love you. The way Da loves you, and how Declan does. Amberlyn and Ronan, too. Ya have to believe in yerself, because you are amazing, Lena. Yer smart, yer beautiful, and you can do anything you set yer heart to.”

Moving my hands from hers, I wipe my face as I replay her words, trying to make sense of them. The last time I checked, I did love myself. But if I did, would I be so destructive?

“You’re struggling my love, and I understand that now. I do.” I look to my ma, taking a breath as she holds my gaze the best she can. “I’ll try let up a bit, but it’s hard when I know you know how to be.”

I nod. “I do, but, Ma, I don’t want to. I want to be me.”

Slowly shaking her head, she shrugs. “I don’t know how to accept that, Lena. It’s not the right way.”

“But maybe it’s my way. It’s my path, and I have to learn to navigate it. Can’t ya see it’s time for change?”

“Change?”

“Yeah, Declan married Amberlyn, and I cuss, go to pubs, and kiss boys when I want. What’s so wrong with that?”

“A lot, actually—”

“To you. But to me, it makes me happy.” She looks away. “Don’t ya want me to be happy, Ma?”

“Lena, that’s all I want, but it has to be the right way,” she says before she reaches for my hand, squeezing it. “Please consider what I’ve said.”

It’s like she hasn’t even been listening to me. “But, Ma—”

“And I’ll consider being a little more lenient.” I take in a sharp breath as our eyes meet, before one side of her mouth curves up. “I don’t think you realize how much I wish I could be you. To not care, to just be me, but I can’t. I do care, and I want the best for ya, my love.”

“I know ya do, Ma.”

“Grand, then let’s both consider what the other has said and leave it at that, yeah?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

Squeezing my hand once more, she smiles. “And if I have the choice next week of dying or not, don’t worry, I’ll choose not to.”

I smile while holding back a sob. “That would be grand.”

“I thought so.” She pats my hand before kissing it, and when she walks away, I watch her. I want to believe she’ll think of what I said, but I know she won’t. I know if I had admitted to being with Jackson last night, she’d flip. I think she knows, though, and doesn’t want to add that into our fight since I’m already fucking up left and right in her eyes. As she holds the banister tightly, I want to run to her and help, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t want anyone helping me either. I’m like her in that sense.

Even though she drives me absolutely mad, I don’t know how I’d live without her.

And I sure as hell don’t want to know anytime soon.