Twenty-Three

Trey

Hal leaves with the strongest warning message I could deliver. If he’s stupid enough to open his mouth about Winn, he’ll die. Simple as that. I’ve spent most of my adult life looking out for that girl, and now that her dad’s gone, I have no choice. I’m all she has, but she doesn’t realize, she’s all I have, too.

Nothing about my life is the way I imagined it’d be. I was never supposed to work my way through the entire chain of command. Responsibility was never my thing. But, if I wanted to stay alive and make the best of what I had, I needed to take the power being offered and never let go of it. I don’t trust my life in the hands of anyone but myself.

Everything on the streets is a game. It’s a dirty business full of sacrifice. If I were smart, I would have gone to college like my brother and avoided the business altogether. By the time I was old enough to fill out applications, my best friend was brokenhearted and on his own with a kid. He thought about being a runner and working his way into the family. I couldn’t let him take that kind of risk with a little girl depending on him. The boss never would have left him alone, so while he went to work at a normal job with normal hours, I took his place and kept his name off the table so Winnie could have a better chance at a normal life.

In a couple of years, I’ll age out and be forced into headquarters with the rest of the old heads. I’ve become too valuable to lose, just like all those ahead of me. Some other lucky fuck will take my spot on the streets, and by then, I won’t care. I’ll have more money than I’ll know what to do with. Then, I’ll pack up Winnie, and we’ll disappear.

I have to get her as far away as I can because, once she’s eighteen, she’s free game. The boss wanted her dad, and he’ll want her, too. She’s so beautiful, he’ll offer her a nice chunk of change, and he’ll use her for all she’s worth, just like he did with Tess.

“It should have been me,” I told Mick all those years ago when he threw a positive pregnancy test at the wall and watched it split down the middle.

I’m the fuckup, not him. Mick, Winnie’s dad, did everything right when it counted. He had a good head on his shoulders with plans to make something of himself. And there he was, on graduation day, running off with a diploma still in his hand to see his daughter be born. He might have been pissed off when he found out he was going to be a dad, but he was ecstatic once Winnie came into the world.

I didn’t go with him to the hospital because it hurt too much. He was happy, and he had a girlfriend he loved and a baby to spoil. All I had was a signed contract for a job I didn’t know how to do. I wasn’t sure I’d survive the first day, let alone the first year. Five years from then, for all I knew, I could be a name on a tombstone with nothing to show for the first twenty-three years of my life.

Instead of manning up like he did, I got wasted behind the football field with some friends and tossed my cap and gown in the river. I had no business being set free in adulthood without a stitch of direction.

All those friends are long gone. One died in a car accident and the other three in drug deals. Winn’s dad overdosed, and now, I’m the only one left from our group. I managed to keep my name from being carved into the stone, but I did a shitty job of protecting those guys.

I’m the one percent that had a chance to get the hell out of Carillon and didn’t. Until Winnie’s done with school, I’ll stay here for her. I could have moved on to bigger and better cities, making a hell of a lot more money, but I can’t disappear for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

The three months I spent near the border almost did me in. Worrying about Winnie took my head out of the game, and I made some decisions that could have gotten a lot of people killed. I had no business being there. And, when I came home, I made sure I wouldn’t be going back anytime soon. If the boss wants to do business there, he’ll be sending someone else.

I pace back and forth in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to say to Winnie. There’ve been times when I look at her and see more than I should. But never did I think Winnie saw the same thing when she looked back at me. She fucking kissed me, and I don’t know how to process that.

I kissed her back. Hard.

What the hell was I thinking?

I wasn’t. I felt her lips and then her tongue, and I responded.

Her dad would have blown my brains out if he knew what we did. And there’s not enough alcohol in the trailer to free me from my sins or make her disappear from my memory. Not when she’s in my bedroom, waiting for me.

What do I say to her? Do I let her down gently without breaking her heart?

If I go in there and give her a lecture, she’ll die of embarrassment. I’ll ruin the bond we have and risk losing her from my life completely. But, if I blow it off like the kiss never happened, she’ll think it didn’t matter, that I felt nothing. She’ll shut down, probably find one of her blades, and take care of business. I can’t be responsible for that. I’ve seen grown men die, but nothing scares me more than finding Winn on the floor in a pool of her own blood. I’d never recover from that.

Winnie’s innocent and full of fire, but her heart’s been torn to shreds too many times. That’s why I didn’t trust her being in the room with Hal. He’s closer to her age than mine, barely old enough to drink, yet I smelled the liquor on his breath. If they were in the same room alone, I know he’d have tried something.

Hal’s the kind of guy I worry about every time I travel or go to work. There’s more of him wandering around Carillon than I could ever protect her from. One of these times, I’m scared she’ll get mixed up in Tess’s crowd, and I’ll lose her forever. Once she gets a taste of the powder, she’ll never be the same.

I’m a selfish man. A man who needs a girl who’s young enough to be his own daughter. I’ve never looked at Winnie that way. If I did, I’d have locked myself in a cage and thrown away the key. But I’m not a damn monster, just like she’s not trailer trash to prey on.

Winn’s special. She’s all I have left. And I’m getting her out of Carillon if it’s the last thing I do. One way or another, we’re going to disappear.

No more good-byes.

No more heartache.

Just me and Winnie.

Forever.

I take a step closer to the bedroom door, opening and closing my fist a couple of times. Once some of the nervous energy disappears, I turn the knob.

No expectations, I tell myself.

Whatever Winn wants, I’ll give it to her. And, whatever she’s scared of, I’ll protect her from it.

“Expect nothing. Earn everything,” my best friend always told me.

Mick was right. It’s so much easier that way. Less disappointment. Fewer letdowns. More peace. Though I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace as far as his death is concerned.

Someday, when the time’s right, Tess will pay for destroying that family. I’ll set her up with a one-way ticket straight to hell. She’ll end up on the wrong side of heaven where nobody can hear her screams.

I push the door open, and the breeze through the window hits me in the face. It’s a small room, no place for her to hide. I check under the bed and in the closet anyway because I’ve found her in those places before. But, this time, she’s not hiding. Winnie’s gone.

They’re calling for storms tonight, but I leave the window open anyway. If Winnie comes back, I want her to have a way inside. I doubt she will because I told her a million times that it’s not safe to stay with me. She usually listens to my warnings, but in the pouring down rain, she might not have any other choice than to come back. And I’d never yell at her for trying to put a roof over her head in the middle of the night.

I’m so distracted, trying to figure out why she ran and where she went, that it takes me almost ten minutes to change my clothes, put my riding gear on, and clean up my helmet. It’s humid as hell, but if I go outside without being covered, I risk Tess or Jax seeing me. As long as I’m living in the park, I have to stay undercover. Even when it’s late and I’m tired.

Before I go outside, I glance out the front window and spot Jax sitting on the porch. Tess is on her way home from The Whip, heading toward the trailer. She’s walking too straight to be high, so it must have been a slow night.

Jax has what she wants waiting for her inside and stands up when he sees her coming. He knows better than to show up without the goods. If he does, she’ll leave and screw someone else to get it. I guess Jax likes getting used as much as Tess likes using.

I hop on my bike and fly by her. There’s no way Winnie’s inside the trailer. After my shift, I’m buying her a cell phone. And then I’ll track her down and bring her back home with me. I don’t care if she wants to come or not. I can’t take this disappearing shit. I need to know Winnie’s safe before I get myself killed.