Thirty-One

Winnie

I spend the day pacing my bedroom. Tess was discharged from the hospital around six in the morning. When she got home, she threw the door open with what little strength she had left and made sure I was here.

“I’m glad you stuck to the deal,” she said.

Jax handed her a paper bag, and I was smart enough to know what was inside. He was holding up his end, and now, she was checking to make sure I’d stick to mine.

Ten times, I laid my head down on the pillow, and ten times, I picked it back up. I thought about running. Trey’s trailer would be easy enough to sneak into, and he’d never want me out, wandering around the streets or going back to The Whip, but I made a promise to Tess.

Tonight, I’m on the schedule with a made-up name that she created for me. I’m no longer Winnie Dawes, and when Jax tossed my fake ID on the bed, I barely resembled the girl in the picture. Her hair isn’t as long as mine, her eyes less blue and more green. It doesn’t matter though. The ID is for Ace’s sake, not mine. My face is going onstage, not the girl on the ID.

Part of me wants to get caught. Maybe, if I tipped off the cops, they’d show up at The Whip and shut the place down before I had a chance to dance. Lydia’s face flashes through my mind, and I imagine her only parent behind bars or caught up in a messy court battle. He’d lose custody, and she’d be without both of her parents, just like me. I’d never wish that life on anyone.

As mad as I am at Ace for allowing me to work, getting him in trouble would do more harm than good. Without the stage, Tess would find some other way to make the cash. And, if I have to use my body to get money, I’d rather take my clothes off than have sex.

God, it makes me sick, how right she was about everything. The second I told Ace I wanted to dance, his face lit up. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and tried to call my bluff. He knew how bad things were at home, so I couldn’t blame him if he thought I was full of shit. But the longer he waited for me to change my mind, the more he realized I wasn’t going to. I said I was there to cover for Tess, and I meant it. I wouldn’t lie about something like that.

Right in front of me, he made a call to Jasper. As soon as he said his name, I panicked. I thought he was about to tell my only friend that I was halfway to becoming a stripper. Ace smirked and kept my secret, and then he found himself a new babysitter—Jasper.

I thought Ace was one of the good guys. Why else would he have told me to eat my meals there, so I wouldn’t go hungry? He seemed like he cared about me passing out, but the version I saw in his office when he rehired me, I hated. This version was greedy and selfish, colder—just like Tess.

Tess needs money.

Ace wants to make it and will do whatever it takes to keep the cash flowing, including taking advantage of me, and that’s why the walk home from The Whip felt like a walk of shame. I hadn’t done anything wrong yet, but my conscience knew what was about to happen, and she was angry, disappointed, and scared.

Somehow, I managed to keep the blades in the bathroom. As much as I wanted to cut, I knew I couldn’t get onstage with fresh marks. The ones I had were already covered with a thick layer of foundation that burned like hell in a couple of spots. The scars were invisible, and the scabs were just bumpy.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve showered, flat-ironed my hair as straight as I could get it, and lathered my skin in shimmering lotion. Tess gave me an entire bag of things to put on. Whether they were in spray bottles or on hangers, I made sure to use everything.

I thought the clothes, shoes, and even some makeup would give me the confidence I needed to get onstage, but the more charcoal eye shadow and red lipstick I put on, the more out of control I feel.

Run, Winnie.

My phone rings from inside the dresser drawer where I have it stashed. I’m still getting used to having a connection to the outside world, and I hate that my gift from Trey is just one more thing I have to hide.

The door isn’t closed the whole way, and I’d look suspicious if I shut it now. Tess has been lingering in the living room, making sure I don’t try to run away. It wouldn’t be hard to get past her. A simple push or shove, and she’d lose.

But I still whisper and hide in the closet when I say, “Hello?” just in case.

If Tess or Jax comes in, I’ll have enough time to hang up before they see the phone.

“Babe,” Trey says.

And my heart nosedives. If he knew how slutty I looked right now, he’d be so ashamed. There’s no way he’d want me anymore. The relief in his voice would disappear.

“Hi, Trey.”

“What’s wrong, Winn? You sound nervous.”

Nervous doesn’t cover it. I’m petrified.

“I’m still worried about the phone and getting caught; that’s all.” I try to make my voice as light and airy as I can, but covering up what I’m about to do is impossible. My acting skills don’t stand a chance.

Trey sighs, and I hate that he feels bad about stressing me out. He shouldn’t have to worry about me so much.

“If Tess takes it, I’ll buy you another one. Don’t worry yourself sick, okay?”

The last thing I want him focusing on is the cutting. I think it tortures him more than it hurts me.

“Are you close?”

“I can’t tell you where I am. I’m sorry.”

I don’t know why I even asked. It just seemed like the right thing to say to someone you missed.

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“I miss you, Winn. It’s not right, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Before I can tell him that I miss him, too, and that we are right, the door opens. Without saying good-bye, I end the call and shut the phone completely off. Pretending to dig around in the closet gives me a chance to stash the phone under some old blankets. By the time Tess finds me, she just sees me with my ass in the air and nothing in my hands.

“Get up, Winnie. You’ll be on your knees enough later.”

When Tess gets angry and extra spiteful, she’s jealous. Seeing me dressed like this is a reminder of everything she can’t be. No matter how many times she tries to dress me up and turn me into someone I’m not, it’s still my fault. I don’t want her clients or the money they shove down her throat, but it doesn’t matter. I’m the one standing in her way. She messes up, and it’s on me to fix.

I stand up and turn around, surprised that she’s not alone. Jax and one of his friends are sitting on my bed. I don’t know the other guy’s name, and from the looks of him, I don’t want to. He looks like he’s been partying all day.

“Put the rest of your outfit on, Winnie. We need to make sure you’ll pass inspection.”

Inspection?

“What do you mean?”

Ace didn’t mention it when we spoke. He said to clock in with my new time card and then go to the dressing room. I’d wait there until it was my turn, and I’d even be allowed to drink.

“Put the dress and shoes on. Add some more eyeliner and then a little shadow underneath your lashes. The lighting isn’t the best at the bar, and you need the guys all the way in the back to notice you, so the thicker, the better.”

More makeup won’t matter. The money I make tonight will be because of my age and who I am. By now, word’s spread all over the park, and for the first time in my life, I’m thankful that Trey’s away and that Jasper’s babysitting.

Tess checks the time on her watch like she has someplace better to be. I’d move faster if they weren’t watching me. The dress is so tight, it clings to my hips and sucks me in. It’s not easy to move in, and I’m out of breath by the time I pull the material over my chest and then wiggle into the straps. Tess bought a dress that’s too small for me on purpose. She didn’t buy the dress with the least expensive price tag. She bought the one that would make me look the cheapest.

Even the metallic gold heels shout hooker. They’re just another addition to a costume I don’t want to wear. At the very least, I won’t be stripping while wearing Tess’s hand-me-downs.

“Turn around, Winnie,” she says. “Let’s see how bad it is.”

“Bad? Holy shit.” Jax’s friend whistles, and that earns him an elbow to the gut.

If he doesn’t shut up, there’s no doubt that Tess will kick him out. In this trailer, she’s the only one you give compliments to.

Jax messes with his phone, and music starts to play. I don’t recognize the song, but his friend laughs.

“Dance for us,” he says with a wicked gleam in his eye.

That’s why they’re here. They aren’t sitting on the bed to watch me put clothes on; they want me to take them off.

My feet stay glued to the floor. There’s not a chance in hell I’m getting naked in front of them.

I can’t keep them from watching at The Whip, but in my own bedroom, I tell them, “No.”

Tess reaches in her pocket and pulls out a lighter. Then, she pats her pocket for her cigarettes. I watch as she lights up, waiting for her to go off on me. But she takes her time with inhaling a drag and then blowing out the smoke. She knows I hate it when the smoke drifts from the living room into my room and seeps into everything.

“They told you to dance, Winnie. I suggest you move.”

The three of them couldn’t make me feel more like trash if they tried. This is a game to them. My body, my mind, my heart—none of it matters.

Tess flicks the lighter a couple of more times. The flames dance from freezing cold blue to bright orange. As she walks toward me, it bends and wavers. She’s so close, the heat radiates onto my arm. If she gets any closer, she’ll touch me with it.

Let her burn me. I can handle pain.

“Strip, Winnie. You didn’t think I was sending you to The Whip without a little practice, did you? Look, they’ll even pay you.”

Jax’s friend pulls out a wad of bills and fingers through them. “They’re all yours, gorgeous. All you have to do is dance for me.”

Bile rushes up the back of my throat, and I swallow it back down before it hits the floor. This is my dress rehearsal. But Tess’s idea backfires. I’d rather have a hundred pairs of eyes on me than just two.

“Winnie,” she warns with the lighter still flaming next to my skin. “Take it off. You’re not leaving until you do.”

She takes another drag of her cigarette and blows smoke rings into my face. My dad taught her how to do that. It was his trademark move, and that’s why she’s doing it—to piss me off enough that I’ll listen.

Her hip bumps against mine to the rhythm of the music. As soon as she touches me, Jax growls and leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. He blows air onto my thigh, and my breath hitches. He mistakes my reaction for lust and does it again.

I feel him.

I see him.

Familiar, rough knuckles run down the side of my cheek, clothes that smell like alcohol make me choke, and that warm breath that crept across my face, making my nostrils burn, returns. He’s back, just like that, creeping into my mind and controlling my thoughts.

I kick the heels off and push Tess onto Jax’s lap. He yelps when she snuffs her cigarette out against his leg from the impact.

“Winnie fucking Dawes!” she yells.

Her warning is severe, but I don’t stop running. As soon as the humid air fills my lungs, I suck in as much as I can get, and then I run barefoot down the middle of the street. I don’t have my phone to call Trey or any idea what his number is.

Why didn’t I memorize it when I had the chance?