Twenty-Nine

Winnie

Jasper’s mom handed over the keys without question. She was rocking Lydia back to sleep, and I have a feeling the tone of her son’s voice told her all she needed to know, that it really was an emergency.

I don’t know what I did to make Jasper fall for me. My life’s a mess. There’s nothing solid or remotely interesting about it. And I thought for sure Trey was the last straw for Jasper. One glimpse of that kiss, and I thought he’d given up on me. There was no way a friendship could survive after what he saw us doing.

But Jasper’s still here, by my side, driving me to the hospital. Without him, I’d be on a bus, heading across town, all by myself.

Guilt creeps up my spine when I glance at him. There’s so much I want to tell him, so much he needs to hear. Maybe then he’d understand where my heart was and why it belonged to Trey. I can’t tell him though. If I did, all he’d see was the age difference, and he’d tell me how wrong it was. I’d lose Jasper completely, and never speaking to him again scares me.

Since I’ve known him, Jasper’s given me purpose. He makes smiling easier, laughing tolerable, and having fun undeniable. He’s all the wonderful qualities you wish you possessed but didn’t. When push comes to shove, he’s the guy I can count on.

The truth would destroy all that. He’d try to hide it, but I’d see his disappointment, and then he’d tell me I was making a mistake by getting involved with someone twice my age. I’d argue. We’d fight. And then it’d all be over because there’d be no convincing me that Trey was wrong for me. He’s real. He makes me feel more human than life itself.

When I was still in denial about loving him, there were days the fog was so thick, I would have to press my palm against my chest to make sure my heart was still beating. I don’t have to do that when he’s around. With one look at him, my pulse spikes, and the energy I was drained of returns. In a world where I’m constantly stripped of my dignity, tossed aside, and beaten down, he breathes the life back into me. Nothing about Trey is puppy love or infatuation. He’s the real thing, the kind of love I don’t have to settle into and one I’ll never grow out of.

Jasper glances back at me, waiting for me to say something. I’m being weird, and I can’t help it. Sometimes, I get so stuck in my head, it’s impossible to get back out.

“You okay, Winnie?”

No.

Changing the subject is easier, so that’s what I do. “How much do you think they know?”

“The police?”

I nod, but he can’t see me, so I say, “Yes.”

“If Jax called 911, then Tess was in bad shape. Otherwise, he would have cleaned her up and handled it himself. He’s not stupid though. There’s no way he left anything lying around that could get either one of them in trouble, so I’m pretty sure you’re okay.”

He has a point. If the cops had found the drugs, Jax would have been in the back of a cruiser, headed to jail, not standing on the porch.

“I hope you’re right.”

“You don’t think he’s the one who hurt her, do you, Winnie?”

Jax has feelings for Tess. They fight and go at it, but when she’s not looking, I catch him watching her. Not in a creepy way either. He might stare holes through my head, but with Tess, he’s whipped. Why else would he stick around and put up with her mood swings and screaming matches?

“I don’t think he hurt her,” I tell Jasper. “Before I went to The Whip to resign, things at home were normal. Well, as normal as they could be. They weren’t arguing or anything.”

Tess and Jax were unusually quiet, so I figured they were getting high, and I left before they could start stirring up trouble. Tess only had about an hour left before work, and I wanted to get there and back before she showed up at The Whip. The last thing I needed was her humiliating me in front of a bunch of people. She knew all along that I wouldn’t last, and I didn’t want to prove her right.

Jasper seems to accept my answer and parks in the emergency room lot. When we get inside, one of the cops from the scene is lingering by the registration desk. I’ve seen his face around the park enough times to remember it.

My instinct is to run in the opposite direction, but Jasper nudges my elbow and says, “Stay cool.”

I wish I could have let Tess handle things on her own. If I trusted her to make decent decisions, I wouldn’t be here. She’s the definition of dysfunctional, and I’d never leave my fate in her hands. Maybe we can’t control what she says, but I can make sure she’s not getting herself arrested and taking away both of our freedom.

“I’m scared, Jasper.”

His eyes soften, and the tension he was carrying in his shoulders disappears. When he says, “Relax, Winnie. You’re okay,” I believe him, and I try my best to listen.

If I’m tense, I’ll look suspicious. As far as we know, Tess and Jax did nothing to break the law. Falling in the shower isn’t a crime, and neither is being a bitch. If I’m questioned, I’ll lie if I have to. Anything to keep Tess out of jail.

We wait patiently for Tess’s room number, and then, without a single word, we’re escorted to the back corner of the ER. It’s not a special room for difficult patients strung out on drugs. It’s like all the others, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear her voice. She’s arguing with the nurse about her head, demanding more pain medication.

Jasper shakes his head because she’s not doing herself any favors, and as long as that cop is in the waiting room, he can still haul her away once they’re finished treating her. If I don’t calm her down, this won’t end well. Tess is used to getting what she wants, and no isn’t in her vocabulary. But I’m the last person she wants to talk to, and seeing me could make her mood worse.

I turn toward Jasper, thankful I don’t have to do this alone. “Will you stay close?”

“I’m not going anywhere, Winnie.”

My phone rings in my pocket, but I can’t answer it. I’m not even supposed to have it on in the hospital. It finally shuts up after four rings, but then it starts all over again. Trey’s the only one who has my number, and he’s probably freaking out.

Jasper stares at my pocket, and I pull the phone out and look at it, willing it to shut up. He knows I have no idea what I’m doing, and he takes it from me. At first, I think he might answer, and I panic, but he pushes the button on the side, and then it’s quiet again.

I don’t thank him. I just slide it back into my pocket and pull the curtain back. The nurse looks thankful to see me and excuses herself. I want to tell her I’m not family and that Tess won’t be any happier to see me than her, but instead, I inch toward her bed, praying I don’t get my head bitten off.

Tess is messing with her IV, and the needle plunging into the back of her hand makes me nauseous. But, if it’s pumping something other than poison into her body, I’m glad she has it.

Her eyes land on mine, and she smiles. It’s such an unusual response to my presence that I think she must have a terrible skull fracture or a concussion.

“You’re seeing that little shit? I knew you were a slut.”

I turn around, not expecting Jasper to be behind me. He places his hands on my shoulders and steadies me.

“It’s okay. Ignore it,” he says.

I try my best to pretend like she isn’t going to make a fool of me, but she already did.

Breathe, Winnie.

“How are you feeling, Tess?”

“Like hell. Did Jax come with you?”

Is she crazy? There’s no way I’d ride in a car with that man. Even with Jasper around, I wouldn’t trust Jax to keep his hands to himself and his eyes on the road.

“We came alone.”

She licks her dry lips and presses on the swollen skin by her eye. They’ll both be black by morning. “I need to tell you something.”

I think she expects Jasper to leave, but he doesn’t move.

He stays strong next to me, looks Tess square in the eyes, and says, “Anything you say to Winnie, you can say to me, too.”

“No, I can’t,” she snaps. “And this is my room, so get the fuck out.”

I feel the anger running through his veins. He doesn’t deserve her disrespect, and I should walk out of here without an ounce of regret. But, if I do, that still leaves her with all the power to destroy my life even more than she already has.

I turn around and pull Jasper through the curtain.

Before I get a word out, he’s already shaking his head, telling me, “No, I’m not leaving you with her, Winnie. Don’t ask me to do that.”

“Five minutes,” I tell him. “If I take longer, you can come back and get me.”

He’s torn. Jasper has no place in telling me what to do, but he knows nothing good can come from facing Tess alone. “I’m staying close. I’ll be in the hallway, right over there.” He points toward two empty stretchers near a fire extinguisher hanging on the wall.

I can live with that.

My phone vibrates again. I need to get this over with, so I can call Trey back.

One, two, and then three deep breaths, and I push the curtain aside and go back in. Tess has an ice pack on her face, and she winces, the harder she presses it against her skin. If pathetic had a mascot, it would be her.

“What happened, Tess?” I don’t feel sorry for her. Those emotions disappeared with her addiction.

“Blacked out, I guess,” she says like it’s not that big of a deal.

If she had been alone when it happened, who knows what could have happened to her? I can’t believe I’m actually thankful that Jax was with her, but I am. He kept her alive at the very least.

“Do you know why?”

She points to the wires hooked up to her chest. They’re pumping out rhythms on a monitor next to the bed. Some of the lines rise into higher peaks than the others, and there are bigger gaps and then smaller ones. I wish I knew what they meant.

“My heart,” she says.

The drugs.

Tess has to slow down. She’s been bingeing more and more lately and sleeping less and less. She barely eats, and when she does, she gets sick. One of these days, her heart will give out, and they won’t be able to restart it. She’ll die, just like Dad did.

Her eyes water, and I have a feeling she’s thinking about Dad, too. Tess doesn’t cry about bumps and bruises. When she starts to feel, she numbs herself back up before she’s sober enough to feel any pain. Because, when those feelings come back, she breaks down, and it’s not pretty. She turns into the ugliest human being.

It’s only a matter of time before she goes rogue, but lying here, in the hospital, Tess looks the most human I’ve seen her in a long time. The bed swallows her up, and I almost wish they would keep her here forever. Maybe then she’d have a chance to get off the drugs and get her life back.

Wishful thinking.

“What did you want to talk about?”

She sets the ice down in her lap and swallows. “I can’t work like this, Winnie. All these bruises take time to heal.”

“You can cover most of them with makeup, and as long as the doctor says you’re okay, you won’t be hooked up to the machines forever.”

“You’re not hearing me,” she says. “Ace won’t let me dance. We signed contracts about our appearance. No track marks. No bruises. Not even a mark from rough sex. A tattoo is as far as we can take it.”

I didn’t realize the dancers had a rulebook. I figured all they had to do was put on some makeup, do their hair, and strip. Ace isn’t a dirtball though. He treats girls with more respect than most bosses probably would. He wants his girls clean because they’re a reflection of him and the business. Still, what do I care if Tess can’t dance? She can still waitress and keep herself covered up until they heal.

“What’s your point?”

“If I don’t dance, Winnie, I won’t make enough money to keep the trailer. Waitresses make shit and rely on tips. The stage is where the money is. Everyone knows that.”

“Can’t Jax cover you until you’re better?”

“Jax covers me.”

He covers her habit. The rest is up to her.

“I don’t have any money to give you, Tess. Jax already took everything I had.”

It’s a lie. I don’t tell her about the money Trey just gave me. As long as she thinks I’m broke, she won’t go looking.

“That’s why I’m gonna need you to cover for me. I’ve worked too hard to get the best spot in the lineup. If I don’t show, I’ll lose it.”

I blink a couple of times. I must be dreaming. That bump on her head needs to be checked out again because she’s delusional.

“No, Tess.”

“Don’t tell me no, Winnie. You don’t have a choice. Not unless you want to live on the streets. Maybe that’s where you belong.”

“I’m not leaving, Tess.”

There’s no place for me to go. Trey’s across the street, but he made it clear that I couldn’t stay with him. He’ll never change his mind. Even if I sneak in and out of Jasper’s bedroom, I can’t live there full time. His mom would eventually catch on, and then he’d get busted.

Ace’s office has a nice bathroom, and I could sleep there if I hid until closing time. They sweep the place before they lock up, but I’m small. I can fit on the shelf in the closet behind a stack of towels or inside the hamper. At least The Whip has a kitchen, and there’s always a ton of food in the fridge. Nobody would ever realize some fruit or bread was missing.

Trey would know. I’d get away with it until he came home again. Then, he’d figure out I had no place to go after I left him. He’d see me ducking out of the trailer park, in the opposite direction of my trailer.

Tess has me backed against a wall, and she knows it.

“You’re not being fair.”

“Life’s not fair, Winnie. Do you think I want to be here right now? Do you think your dad wants to be six feet under ground?”

The second she brings my dad into the conversation, I want to strangle her. That, I could get away with. She’s played dirty before, but this is an all-time low, even for her.

“Ace won’t go for it. I’m not eighteen yet.”

“Ace is about dollar signs, Winnie. You’ll bring in every horny fuck off the street. That park will be cleared out in an hour after they get wind that you’re dancing.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“It’s the truth. Ace offered to let you work there because he hoped you’d get a taste of the money and want more. He wants you on the stage, Winnie.”

Jasper’s brother isn’t like that. He told me I could come there and eat anytime I wanted. He looks out for me, and he knows I’m close with Jasper. Why would he want to ruin me when his brother’s attached? He wouldn’t just be hurting me; he’d also be hurting Jasper.

“That’s not true,” I tell her. “Ace doesn’t want me. I quit today, and he let me walk out.”

“Want to bet?” she says. “Ask him. The second you mention dancing, he’ll hire you back in a second.”

I can’t ask him. If I do, he’ll think I’m interested, and there’s no way I’d ever get onstage and take my clothes off. When I was with Trey, I couldn’t even take my bra and panties off in front of him. And I love him.

“I’ll get back into babysitting and get you the money. I already have a night lined up with Ace to watch his daughter.”

“You’ll never make enough. Do what I tell you, and then I’ll teach you everything you need to know. If you want to go on last in my spot, you have to be the best.”

I don’t want to learn how to be a slut.

She laughs at how nervous I am. “I’ll let Jax know you’re moving out. He’ll have all your stuff on the porch by the time you get there. Don’t even try to go inside, or I’ll let him do whatever he wants to you.”

He already has.

The tears build, and I avoid blinking for as long as I can. Crying only fuels her fire, and I can’t afford to do any more damage. Money means more to Tess than my body ever will. My back’s against a wall, and if I say no, my life will pretty much be over.

“Fine. I’ll do it.”

Her smile is so fake, I almost gag. How can she live with herself, knowing she’s destroying any chance I have at a normal life?

“I knew you’d come around. Go see Ace in the morning. I’ll let him know you’re coming.”

“I need more time than that.”

“Tomorrow, Winnie. I make the rules, remember?”

The curtain parts, and the doctor moves around me to check Tess’s wires. The negotiating is over, and I’ve just made a deal with the devil. I thought things were as bad as they could get, but they’re about to get a whole lot worse.

Like a zombie, I walk down the hallway, not paying attention to where I’m going. Until I feel the fresh air on my face, I don’t plan on stopping. The only thing powerful enough to slow me down is a vibrating phone against my hip. I forgot all about calling Trey back.

My voice is shaky, and I do my best to hold back the tears when I answer.

“Look up,” Trey says.

I lift my chin, and there he is, standing in the waiting room by the revolving door with his phone against his ear.

“You’re here?” It comes out as a question, like he’s not real.

But there he is, waiting for me.

He stuffs his phone in his pocket and then takes mine out of my hand and ends the call.

“How did you know where to find me?”

“I put a tracking app on your phone.”

“Is that normal?” I don’t know what the phones come with. I’ve had one for all of twenty-four hours.

He laughs and says, “Depends on who you ask. But I wasn’t going to take any chances with you living in that trailer. If anything happened, I needed a way to find you.”

“I couldn’t answer. The first time, I was talking to the cops, and the other times, I was with Tess. I’m sorry.”

“No, you did the right thing, Winn. Did she hear it ring or see it?”

“I was careful.”

“Good girl,” he says. Then, he leans forward and kisses my forehead.

“You’re not mad?”

“I panicked when you didn’t answer. Then, I saw where you were, and I was afraid something had happened to you.”

“It’s not me. I’m fine. Tess fell and knocked her head open.”

“I don’t care about Tess. Just you.”

He’d care if he knew she just threatened to kick me out of the trailer. God, I feel so dirty, and I haven’t done anything wrong. Trey thinks I quit The Whip. If he tracks my phone and sees I’m there, he’ll know something’s up.

I want to tell him what’s going on and what Tess is putting me up to. He’d be able to make it better, but I can’t ask him for more money. I’ve never depended on anyone but myself, and that’s what I have to do now. Step up to the plate, and handle my business like an adult.

“You’re cold, Winn. Have you eaten?”

I shake my head. It’s been a while.

“I’m fine.”

“What do you need?” he asks.

“Just you. Can we go to your place?”

I still can’t believe he came back for me. When Trey goes away, he disappears. I don’t hear from him for weeks, sometimes months, and only when he’s done with whatever mission he’s on does he resurface. Him being here gives me so much hope that we really can work.

He tucks my hair behind my ear and leans down, brushing his lips against mine. “I missed you.”

“You have to go back, don’t you?”

He nods, and my heart splits down the middle.

If he goes, there’s no doubt that I’ll end up at The Whip tomorrow, getting instructions from Tess and Ace about how to earn them the most money. I won’t get to keep a penny even though it’s my body on the stage.

I hug Trey a little tighter, wishing he would stay yet hoping he’ll be away long enough that he’ll never find out about the dancing. Because, if he does, I’ll lose him forever. He won’t want me anymore.

The only thing that closes the open wound is kissing him. I wrap my arms around his neck and pray he keeps choosing me, no matter what happens.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Winn, I want to stay. I’ll take care of business as fast as I can and come back to you.”

“Okay,” I whisper.

I believe him. He won’t stay away longer than he has to. When I was younger, I thought Trey loved his job. He seemed happy, and he always had nice things. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that possessions don’t mean as much to Trey as people do.

“Trust me, Winn.”

“I trust you.”

Good-byes are so bittersweet, but this one will go down in the history of mess-ups. Because, when I let go of Trey, Jasper’s standing off to the side, leaning against the wall, with his hands in his pockets, watching us.

He says nothing at first. Just stares. I’m afraid to look at Trey, and I’m ever more petrified to move. I let myself get so wrapped up in seeing Trey that I forgot about where we were and who was waiting for me.

I take one step toward Jasper, and Trey grabs my hand.

“Did you come with him?” he asks.

Lying won’t do an ounce of good. I’m stuck right in the middle of my two favorite people, and they’re each perfect for me in different ways. I can make Trey understand, but with the way Jasper’s looking at me, I don’t think that’s fixable.

“It’s not what you think, Trey.”

“You don’t want to know what I’m thinking, Winn. I promise you that.”