Fourteen

Winnie

Jasper’s watching me, waiting for me to say something about Trey. What can I possibly say? Trey’s all I have. He supports me as much as he can, making sure I’m still in one piece.

On the outside, that’s true; I have my life together as much as I can. The inside tells a much different story. Some days, my heart hurts so bad, I don’t think it’ll ever be whole again. Those are the days I pray Trey will show up and tell me he made a mistake. He’ll confess that leaving me was the wrong choice and that he’s here now, for me, and he’ll never walk away again.

I imagine what it’d be like to stuff all my things into a suitcase and slam the door in Tess’s face. She’d have to find a new punching bag, and if she passed out in the street again, there wouldn’t be anyone left to pick her up.

Trey knows how she is. He understands why I tear up so easily and why I’m so sensitive. Every time he looks into my eyes, he wants to rescue me from her and from all the evil that haunts me. He can’t. Not when he’s trying to protect himself from his own mistakes.

In another lifetime, maybe things could have been different. Trey would have had parents who cared about what he became. His opportunities would have revolved around an education and a decent job, not on the streets where he makes a dishonest living with a gun strapped to his body.

Like me, he watched a family full of addicts fall apart until he was the only one left standing. Without a way out, he’s had to pay all their debts and stick around when all he wants is to disappear.

“When the time’s right, Winn,” he always tells me.

But that time will never come. In my heart, I know Trey can never walk away from his world. My only source of familiarity and comfort is kept away by enemies and officers. He has so many people to dodge; staying in one place for any decent amount of time is too risky. And taking me with him is out of the question.

Distractions would take Trey’s life, so he takes care of me the only way he knows how—from a distance. If he lets his guard down, he’ll be in the line of fire, and I’ll lose him, too.

As selfish as I wish I could be, I can’t demand a single thing from him. When he shows up and asks if I’m okay, I keep the pain locked up, and I tell him that I’ll be fine for a little while longer. Because, if Trey knew what’d happened to me, he would never be able to forgive himself, and I can’t risk putting any more distance between us.

My lips stay sealed, and I wait for the day he’ll let me have his back the same way he has mine. Because, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that Trey’s tired. The worst nightmares happen when your eyes are forced to stay half-open.

I don’t know about him, but on those rare occasions when the nightmares stay away long enough to dream, I imagine Trey shedding the late nights for something peaceful. We’d move to an island so far off the grid, nobody would ever know what happened to us.

We’d be safe.

We’d be happy.

We’d have each other’s company again.

Because, when I look at him, I don’t see weakness. All I see is a person with a big heart who thinks I’m worth the air I’m breathing. A person I’ve loved since I was old enough to understand that love was more than a phrase I whispered at bedtime.

Trey’s all I have left, and I’m scared that, every time he drives away, I’ll never see him again.

“Hey,” Jasper says when I wrap my arms around my stomach and shiver.

No matter how hard I try not to, my mind drifts to the darkest possibilities.

“Who was that, Winnie?”

I’m afraid to look at him because I know he’s judging me right now. Trey’s thirty-four years old. You wouldn’t think we’d have anything in common since I’m only seventeen, but you’d be wrong. We’re alike in all the ways that matter. All the ways that give me hope and make me want to survive to see another day.

If I didn’t have Trey in my life, I might have ended it with a razor blade on a cold bathroom floor the night my dad died. Trey found me then, and I know he’ll keep finding me as long as I’m alive, no matter where he is or what he’s doing. He won’t let anything happen to me—well, anything worse than I’ve already endured.

“That’s Trey,” I tell Jasper.

Jasper presses his lips together and nods. “So, you like older guys?”

“No, Jasper,” I tell him. “It’s nothing like that.”

He stands in front of me, still not saying much of anything. The stones crunch underneath the sole of his shoe as he kicks his leg back and forth over the gravel driveway. “You sure?”

“I’m sure. I should get inside.”

I turn my back to him and take a step just as he says, “You don’t have any idea, do you?”

“What are you talking about?”

Jasper takes a step closer and reaches for my arm but quickly stuffs his hands in his pockets instead.

How deep my feelings run for him, I’m not sure yet. Last night, when I was lying in bed beside him, I imagined what it’d be like to have a life I didn’t have to hide. Part of me thought someone like Jasper could easily fill a good portion of my time. He’s shown me I can rely on him, and he’s done nothing but help me since we met at The Whip.

But I don’t have that kind of life, and maybe I never will. For now, all I see is a girl who’s on the outside, looking in, trying her best to keep her head above water. Jasper has goals of his own, and I’d never want to drag him down or make him feel like he had to carry my weight on his shoulders. Because he’s the type of guy to put his dreams on hold to make sure I’m okay.

“Winnie,” he says with a huff of his breath, “I saw you with him.”

“Of course you did. He was just here.”

“That’s not what I mean.” He rolls his eyes, and I don’t know whether to keep pressing him or walk away. Clearly, he has something on his mind, and he’s having trouble spitting it out. Finally, he mutters, “Fuck it,” and then says, “Trey has feelings for you.”

I giggle at first, and then I laugh to the point that my shoulders start to shake. “Wait, you’re completely serious, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Jasper, Trey is twice my age. Whatever you think you saw, you’re mistaken. What we have is a friendship.”

“We have a friendship, Winnie. And you don’t run and jump into my arms or smile so big, your face lights up when you see me.”

“Because we just started talking. Sure, I’ve seen you at school a lot, but that was different than this.”

But there’s only so much I can deny. I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my feelings for Trey. There wasn’t one specific moment that flipped a switch inside me. It’s been a gradual progression, and the older I get, the less distance there seems to be between us. In some weird way, I feel like I’m gaining on him, like I’m aging and he’s staying still, waiting for me to catch up. It sounds ridiculous, but in my head, it makes complete sense.

“I know what I saw,” he insists. “I don’t have a chance, do I?”

A couple of months ago, when Trey came by with some more money, the happiness I usually felt was suddenly replaced with butterflies. I wasn’t sure what to make of them, but Trey looked different to me, or maybe I was just feeling less like a teenager and more like an independent adult. Surely, practically living on my own and taking care of myself had something to do with that.

“Jasper, you have every chance in the world.” I hesitate for a second and then add, “With the girl who is meant to be with you.”

It’s the truth. Jasper’s way too good for me.

There’s only one person in this world who can understand my life. And, what I feel for him, for Trey, will exist only in my mind. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my secret safe. I just hope I don’t have to push Jasper away to do it.

Jasper’s frown slowly disappears, and he pulls his hands out of his pockets and wraps his arms around my waist. The physical contact we’ve shared would usually send me running. For reasons I don’t understand, I don’t want to push Jasper away this time. The more I’m around him, the more contagious his attitude becomes.

He’s been so good to me; he deserves way more than the cash I owe him. If it wasn’t for him insisting on walking me home last night, who knows what would have happened when I got back to the trailer and found someone on the porch?

“I can make you happy, Winnie. You’re the girl.”

I swallow, my throat suddenly tighter because the last person who told me that lied.

“I wish I knew what you saw in me, Jasper. I don’t have a clue about where I’m going or who I’m meant to be, yet you still seem to be so sure of what you want.”

“You’ve been lost for a long time. But I found you, Winnie. You’re not alone anymore.”

My first instinct is to argue and tell him that I’m not alone, that I have Trey. Doing so wouldn’t help my case any. Jasper’s been able to read me since the day we started talking. Who knows how long he’s been watching me at school? And, if there’s anything I’m guilty of, it’s wearing my heart on my sleeve.

“I was never hiding,” I tell him. “I’ve just been invisible.”

Nobody wants to be friends with the weird girl who wears secondhand clothing and lives in a shitty trailer park. And I can’t blame them. The social ladder in high school is vicious. If you’re not at the top, you wish you were. And, once you get there, everyone is beneath you. It doesn’t matter if you’re a loner like me or a band geek; you’re still not one of them.

“After work, will you let me take you out?”

“It’ll be super late, Jasper. Nothing will be open.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he says. “Not for what I have in mind.”

I push him backward and jog up the stairs, toward the trailer. For once, I wish the door were unlocked. Of course, it’s not. By the time I dig my keys out of my pocket, Jasper’s behind me, breathing down my neck.

“Don’t,” I warn.

“Tell me what I said.”

It isn’t so much what he said, more like what he implied.

“I don’t want to sleep with you, Jasper.”

“Ouch.”

I turn the key and then the knob. Jasper moves back and leans against the railing, like he did when he picked me up. It’s hard to believe that was only yesterday.

“You have to stop assuming the worst of me.”

Is that what I’m doing? Probably. It’s hard to find the good when you’re always shown the bad.

But I realize that’s not fair to Jasper. He’s done nothing to warrant that kind of reaction from me. I mean, he slept next to me last night, and the only thing he touched was my pinkie.

“I’m sorry for assuming,” I tell him. “But I have to go.”

Barely pushing the door open, I give myself enough room to slide inside without revealing what’s on the other side. Mostly because I have no idea the condition the trailer is in or who might be in the living room, passed out on the couch.

Before I close the door, I chance a glance at him and almost wish I hadn’t. His eyes are still sleepy, and the bruise by his brow reminds me of how much he risked last night. He took on a grown man who weighed way more than him.

I was worried about his feelings when, all this time, I should have been worried about so much more than that. Jasper is hurt because of me.

“Don’t pick me up tonight.”

“I’ll be here, Winnie,” he says as the door clicks shut.

I wait to hear his footsteps on the stairs. When nothing happens, I peek out the peephole and see he hasn’t moved.

“Go home, Jasper,” I tell him through the fake piece of wood separating us.

He pushes away from the banister and brings his eye to the peephole. I scream when his lashes flutter.

Laughing, he smirks and says, “I’m going. But don’t think for a second that I won’t be back tonight. And eat the food I gave you. You were supposed to eat it on the walk over here.”

I glance at the banana and muffin and smile. I’ve never had anyone fight for me before or care whether I’ve eaten or if my stomach’s so empty, it gave up on growling for food. Jasper’s different. He pays attention to the little things. As scary as that is, I think I might like that.