Twenty-Seven

Winnie

Watching Jasper walk away tears my heart from my body. I go from the biggest high I’ve ever felt to locking myself in the bathroom with a blade in my hand. My leg is still so sore, and the cuts aren’t even close to scabbing over yet, but I need to retrace the pattern anyway.

It won’t take much effort to bleed, but it won’t matter. Nothing will make Jasper come back, not even cutting. Jasper’s gone because I made my choice, and my choice was Trey.

Do I regret that decision? No. Trey will always own my heart. We have too much history for either of us to walk away. I’m drawn to him. He’s drawn to me. And, once those two forces collided, there was no going back.

I wrap the razor in toilet paper and chuck it in the trash. My legs are shaky, but I stand up and lean against the wall until I catch my breath. I’m wandering into my room when I hear a knock on the window.

Jasper’s back. He changed his mind.

But, when I pull the curtain back, Trey’s standing with his helmet on his head, motioning for me to come outside. Right away, I assume the worst. He saw Jasper talking to me, and now, he’s upset about it.

As soon as he sees me, he says, “Come on.”

I take a quick look around, making sure Jax or Tess isn’t lingering outside. When the coast is clear, I scurry across the street after Trey. My feet slap against the concrete, and tiny pebbles stick to my soles. It hurts, but I don’t care.

“I thought you were going to work?”

“Change of plans,” he says.

He takes the steps two at a time, opens the screen door, and sets his helmet on the table. He walks down the hallway, and I linger in the kitchen, waiting for him to come tell me what’s going on. When he doesn’t, I follow him all the way to his bedroom.

My mouth is completely dry as he lifts his shirt over his head and tosses it in the hamper. His stomach muscles contract and then release, and my eyes can’t focus on anything other than those hard ridges of muscles.

The button on his leather pants pops open, and he slides the zipper down so slowly, I hear each metal tooth separate. Then, I watch him slide the leather down his legs and toss those aside, too. Wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs, Trey is every bit of the man I imagined him to be. His body is toned, muscular, and so full of life compared to Jasper’s.

Jasper’s skin wasn’t motivated by each movement he made, and he didn’t have any ink markings that told the deepest story his words could never touch. He’s seventeen, the beginning stages of becoming a man. Trey’s already there, and I notice the difference.

Trey takes one step and then another until he’s standing in front of me. “Winn,” he whispers, “when you look at me like that, I can’t stand it.”

“How am I looking at you?”

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against his chest. His warmth radiates through me, and I’m so hot, I get the chills. It sounds impossible, but I shiver on the inside while I’m sweating on the outside. My body’s in complete turmoil, confused if it should be excited or afraid. Nothing about Trey scares me though. Not even when he makes me feel out of control and wild.

“You look at me like you need me more than your next breath.”

“I do,” I tell him. “I need you, Trey.”

He clutches the hem of my T-shirt and shakes his head. “We need to do something about this shirt.”

“Take it off.” I have a bra on underneath, but if Trey wants me naked, he can have me. I’ll give him whatever he wants.

But he keeps staring at the material bunched up in his hands, and then he says, “I want you to throw it away.”

“Why?”

“It’s his, isn’t it?”

“Jasper? Yeah, I wore it home this morning.”

Trey nods, and then he slips it over my head. He shreds the material down the middle and throws it in the direction of the trash can all the way in the corner of the room. Without even looking, he makes the basket.

I glance down at my boring white bra and then back at him. “Now what?”

He opens his dresser drawer and pulls out a stack of T-shirts. They’re all black with the exception of a couple of plain white ones mixed in between. He hands the entire pile to me, and I take them.

“Put one on, Winn, and take the rest with you.”

“All of them?”

Trey nods, and I’m not sure why I need so many, but the butterflies are set loose again. The thought of being wrapped up in something that smells like him, something that he’s worn, makes me feel special. There’s no better way to feel close to him than to wear his things. I love that Trey wants me to keep him close.

“I’ll buy you some clothes, whatever you need, but if you like to sleep in guys’ clothes, then they’d better be mine.”

I’ll have to hide the shirts in the closet, behind the stack of boxes, or they’ll be found and taken. Tess and Jax will jump to conclusions, assuming I have a boyfriend. Tess doesn’t like competition, and she’ll never accept the fact that I’ve grown up. She can’t even handle that my boobs are bigger than hers.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Trey seems glad I’ve taken them so easily. Then, he walks past me, and I wonder what I should do.

Is that my cue to leave? Or does he want me to stay and follow him?

I hear the shower turn on and imagine what it’d be like to stand under the spray with him. I haven’t had a hot shower with soap that didn’t feel like chalk in forever. I’m scared of him rejecting me, but I set the shirts down on the bed and then wander into the hallway.

The door has been left unlocked, and I take that as a sign. I turn the knob and push it open far enough to slip inside. I can see the outline of Trey on the other side of the glass door. My mind runs wild with what he looks like covered in little water droplets. The shadows are so enticing that I have to find out.

I place my hands against the glass and slowly slide the door open. At first, Trey doesn’t notice. His head is tilted forward, and suds are running down his back, over his ass, and then into the drain. I’m so nervous of what might happen when he turns around that I step inside, still wearing my bra and underwear.

They stay dry at first. I’m far enough away from the water that it doesn’t reach more than my toes. But, as I inch closer and let my fingers dance up Trey’s side, the white cotton is soaked through in seconds. My nipples harden, and you can see right through the material.

As soon as Trey turns around, his eyes fall to my chest and then even lower. By the time he looks at my face, my heart is thrashing so wildly, I think it might stop beating. I must be dreaming.

And then he asks, “What are you doing?” and I’m afraid I’ve taken things too far. The little bit of confidence I had when I got in the shower vanishes.

“I thought…I mean, I wanted to.”

“If you can’t say it, Winn, you shouldn’t be in here.”

“I’ll leave.”

He runs his hand through his hair and then presses the same hand against the wall. “That’s not what I meant. I meant, you’re not ready. Not for us anyway.”

How does he know that? He doesn’t know what I want or what I can handle. He just thinks he does. But I’m not trying to have sex with him. All I want is to feel close to him again. The way we were in the driveway when he kissed me with everything he had. That’s what I want.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him.

I turn around and slide the door open, so I can get out of the shower, but he grabs me with his soapy hands and stops me.

“Relax, Winn. I want you here. I’m just not sure you should be.”

“Because you’re naked?” I ask.

He nods and closes his eyes. “You’re still so young. You don’t know what you want for the rest of your life. And I do. I know what I want.”

If Trey thinks I’ll love him and leave him, he’s crazy. Everyone I’ve ever known has walked into my life and then back out. I’d never do that to him. Not when I know how it feels.

When he finally opens his eyes again, they give away what he wants. He wants me, but he’s fighting a battle against right and wrong, and Trey, being the good guy he is, will always make the right choice when it comes to me.

For once, I have everything I’ve ever needed, but I’m not allowed to have it. “If I were eighteen, would you hesitate?”

“No,” he whispers. “Not even a little.”

“Pretend I’m older then.”

It’s a stupid thing to say. He can’t pretend I’m not against the law. But I’m still rewarded with one of his blinding smiles. Trey’s teeth are as white as the tiles on the wall, and I know I’ll think about that grin of his every time I take a shower.

“You’re trouble,” he says.

Am I? I’ve never wanted anyone, and I know nothing about the rules of attraction. All I know is that I want to explore this rush that Trey gives me. Because his presence lights me on fire.

“I’m not trying to tempt you. I just want to be close to you. I thought it would be nice.”

“Is that why you left your bra and panties on?”

My response will remind him of how young I am, and the last thing I want him to see when he looks at me is a number. I want him to focus solely on my body, my mind, and my heart. I can’t lie to him though. That isn’t who I am.

“I’ve never been naked in front of a guy before. Not on purpose anyway.”

He swallows, and I know I should have left that last part out. But, like it or not, when I speak, Trey gets all of me. The good parts, the bad parts, and all the things in between. The things I wish I had the power to change.

“We’ll be having a discussion about that when I get back.”

That should scare me, but I’m more worried about where he’s going. “Back?” I question.

“Winn, the boss is sending me away. It won’t be more than a couple of weeks this time.”

I’ve felt enough pain to last me a lifetime, but hearing that Trey’s disappearing again, especially when I just got him all to myself, makes the tears flow again. My arms wrap around his waist, and I lay my head on his shoulder. My salty tears mix with the hot water and run down our bodies.

We stay like this for five or ten minutes, just holding each other. When it’s time to get out of the shower, Trey dries us off. I peel off my bra and panties underneath a towel and then dress in his shirt and boxers. He sits me down on the bed and hands me a box.

“What’s this?”

“Open it,” he says. “And don’t argue with me.”

I have a good idea what it is before I lift the lid—a brand-new cell phone. Everyone at school has one like it, but I’m not sure how it works or what to do with it. It takes a little playing around to figure out how to make a call. Trey already has it fully charged with his name plugged into the Contacts list. It makes me wonder how long he’s had it.

It’s so risky for me to hang on to something so valuable, but telling Trey my concerns isn’t worth the argument. He bought the phone for me, and it’s his way of making sure I’m safe when he can’t be there to take care of me himself. It’ll bring me just as much peace.

“Thank you.”

“I should have done it sooner. Just like I should have told you I was living here.”

“You’re already forgiven, Trey. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

He smirks, and then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “Are you saying that because you saw me naked? Or do you mean it?”

I laugh, and my cheeks flame. “I mean it, but seeing you like that wasn’t so bad either.”

There’s no hiding anymore. I’m picturing his body, every hard ridge and inch of him, and Trey knows it, too.

He licks his lips, and I take that as my cue to lean forward and kiss him again. My heart jumps when he kisses me back sooner than the first time our lips met. There’s no debate this time. Our tongues mingle, and once we’re out of breath, he forces himself to stop.

“We can kiss, Winn, but until you’re old enough, that’s all we can do. I won’t cross the line.”

“Okay.”

Trey always does the right thing. Even when he’s challenged and his patience is wearing thin, he makes the honorable decision. I have a feeling that he does the opposite at work, and he hates that. It makes doing the right thing with me that much more important. No matter what, I’ll respect his request even if I want him more than anything.

“You’re sure?” he asks.

I don’t know what I can do to convince him that I understand, so I do what feels right in the moment. I kiss him again and climb onto his lap. He lets me straddle him, and I feel his hardness between my legs. I don’t shy away or panic, and that makes me kiss him harder.

“Winn,” he mumbles against my lips, “answer me.”

I keep my fingers linked behind his neck and rest my forehead against his. “Trey, as long as I have you, I’m good. Really, really good.”

He bites my lip and tugs on it. Then, he growls into my mouth, and our teeth clash. In that moment, there’s no doubt in my mind. Trey’s mine, and I’m his. It doesn’t take sex or complicated declarations of love to express that. For once, love is a feeling and not a wish.

“I have to go, babe.”

Babe. There it is again. It might be even better the second time he says it.

“Already?”

He stands up and sets me on my feet. Then, he pecks my lips a couple of more times. I know he’s trying to get his fill before he has to put his helmet back on and cover up his lips.

“You have the phone now. It won’t be so bad this time. I’ll text you when I can. You message me whenever you need me, okay?”

He’s right. Having the phone is like walking around with Trey in my pocket. Just knowing he’s a call away, no matter how many miles are between us, is calming.

I can watch him get on his bike without completely breaking down. Then, he calls me over, and I stand next to the bike, thinking I’m going to get another kiss. But Trey opens my palm, places a wad of bills in it, and then folds my fingers around the money.

“Trey, you already gave me the phone.”

“Winn, a phone doesn’t pay for food. Go to the store, and get what you need. Call for pizza. I don’t care. Just make sure you eat and take care of yourself, okay?”

He glances at my leg, and I know that includes the cutting. I make a silent promise to the both of us that I won’t do it while he’s gone. No matter how bad things get, I’ll use the phone instead of the blade.

God, I hope I can keep that promise.

I hold it together as he backs out of the driveway. He takes one more look at me and then flips the shield over his eyes. He guns it down the street with two fingers in the air. I wave back and watch until the leather disappears.

My heart won’t be whole until he gets home, but Trey’s only one call away. Life might have thrown me another curveball, but I’m going to show him that I’m strong enough to wait it out. That I can handle his job and life on my own while he’s away.

I have to because, if Trey thinks he’s too much for me, he’ll end this. And I don’t know if we’ll survive as friends now that we’ve kissed. How would I stop loving someone I’d cared about my entire life?