TWO HOURS HAD GONE BY in a blur of empty beer cans and throat-burning shots. At some point, Ethan and I had snuck off down the driveway to his Jeep Cherokee and took turns sipping on a bottle of Fireball. We always hid liquor at big parties, because that shit would disappear quick if everyone knew about it. Too many people came empty handed, expecting someone else to supply the alcohol. Stumbling back to the party, I had the pleasure of seeing Ashton out by his truck with Becca on her knees in front of him. Well, I just figured out where the Jager disappeared to. His hands buried in her hair as she bobbed her head up and down on his dick.
Gross.
He could do so much better than her. He always said he wasn’t interested in her, but from where I stood, he was definitely interested in at least her throat. I hated the sight of them together, but it wasn’t jealousy. I just couldn’t stand her, and he deserved someone who would be loyal. I have always wanted the best for Ashton, but I wasn’t that person.
Reaching the poolside, I flopped down on one of the tan, mesh lounge chairs. Laying back, the party scene sloshed in my vision like a rough ocean in a port hole. The memories of the night I left Charlotte were tossing around in my mind as I looked around. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I was surrounded by people who would take care of me, not take advantage of me. Between Ash, Storm and Cooper, I had no worries, but when I thought about being around Ethan and Ryan too, all my worries slipped away.
Ethan sat down with Ryan, Michele, and Pete at a picnic table on the opposite side of the pool. The group laughed and took turns talking as they drank. A few tables away, Irwin and Ashley sat closely, hand in hand, looking adorable with their little fairy tale relationship.
Irwin and Ashley had been dating since we were all sophomores in high school. They were the perfect couple. Tall and tan, with short golden blond hair styled perfectly, Irwin reminded me of the guy from that movie with the men strippers. Ashley, with her soft amber curls reaching her thin waist, was the Barbie to his Ken. Everyone wanted to either be them or date them.
After two hours and no Cooper, I started to get a little perturbed. I hadn’t seen him come out of the barn. Storm had gone in behind me and came out just as quick. Cooper normally kept his temper reined in, but when he finally lost it, you didn’t want to be around.
I thought back to the time when Cooper blew his lid at school. One of the many times he and Maggie had broken up, she showed up to a Friday night football game with Josh Mitchell. She clung to his shoulder like she was dangling from a cliff’s side.
I still felt bad for the poor quarterback who got annihilated when Coop finally looked into the crowded stands and saw them. He plowed through the offensive line and damn-near ripped the guy’s head off then sprinted off the field. He barreled toward the bleachers and leapt over the four-foot chain-length fence. He got within two rows of them before his dad jumped in front of the raging bull. Scott had this amazing calming effect. I don’t know if it was his choice of words or the composed, steady tone of his voice, but it saved his son that night. Probably Josh too.
Resting on the lounger, I watched as the party unfolded. Before long, my eyes betrayed me and started to sag. I fought against sleep as long as I could until I finally lost the battle, but I knew I was safe. In that place between conscious and dreams where they seemed to intertwine, one giving way to the other, I thought I heard his voice, whispering to me.
“Kins, I’m sorry I’m such a dick. I wish I could tell you all the things . . .” His voice trailed off as I fought against the current pulling me under. What was he going to say? I willed my eyes to open, begged my ears to listen harder but all for not. The alcohol induced stupor swallowed me whole.
I awoke to strong arms hoisting me up against a warm, wall of muscles. “Cooper?” I mumbled the name of whose arms I wanted to be in, even though I knew better. Even drunk, I could tell it was Ash. He smelled so good with his familiar leathery, fresh-cut grass aroma. I relaxed into his arms. In that moment, I wished I could make myself feel for Ashton, what I felt for Cooper, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying.
“No, Lizzy, it’s me,” Ashton sighed, disappointment laced in his tone. “Let’s get you home.”
“I think I drank too much,” I muttered, cracking an eye to see the ground still sloshing around like a stormy sea.
“Don’t puke on me, Kins,” Ashton warned. “You know what happens if you puke.”
A giggle escaped me before I could slam my hand over my mouth. “You puke, I puke.” I remembered the first time I discovered my best friend had a weak stomach.
“Yeah, something like that. I wouldn’t want to puke on you.”
“Can’t I just sleep here?” Again, my eyelids drooped as my head rested against Ashton’s hard chest.
“Nope. You need to sleep in a bed, under a roof. Not on the pool deck on a lawn chair. Besides, Mom would kill me if she came out here and saw you asleep next to the pool,” Ashton said, as he somehow opened the passenger door to his truck without dropping me on my ass. “Come on now, get in.”
In his arms, I was almost level with the seat. My hand reached up and wrapped around the oh-shit bar, pulling myself the rest of the way in. Reclining back in the seat, I heard the door shut behind me. The interior light slowly dimmed, much like my eyes.
* * *
That night, my dreams weren’t plagued with bad dreams about being punched or kicked. Just sleep. When I woke up, before opening my eyes, I rolled over and curled around something hot and way too hard to be my pillow. Oh God, what did I do? My eyes flew open like roller shades on an old window at my grandmother’s house.
Ashton.
Oh, what the blue hell did I do? Panic set in. What the hell was I thinking getting drunk like that?
My mind calmed as I realized I was still fully dressed, even though Ashton slept shirtless next to me.
Slowly, I rolled away, back to my side in an attempt to slip quietly out of the bed. Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump. My head throbbed its protest of any and all movement. Abruptly, I ceased my retreat as my index and middle fingers found my temples and rubbed.
“I can hear you silently freaking out over there,” Ashton mumbled, lifting his toned forearm from his chest to cover his eyes. “There’s ibuprofen and water on your bedside table. I’m going back to sleep.”
“What happened?” I turned to the bedside table, finding the bottle of water and little green gel tabs. Reaching over, I picked up the medicine, popped them in my mouth then grabbed the water, twisted the cap off and lifted the bottle to my lips, washing the pills down.
“You drank Fireball and God only knows what else with Ethan on top of beer, do I need to continue?” Ashton turned and glared at me.
My stomach roiled its remembrance and, as if on cue, a cinnamon whiskey-flavored burp escaped and scorched its way up my throat. “Ugh.”
Flinging back the blanket, I dragged myself from the warm comfort of my bed and set out for the bathroom. A hot shower and toothbrush were the only things in my future that I cared about in that moment. “Remind me to never drink again.”
“Remind me to never listen to you when you don’t listen to me when I tell you not to drink,” Ashton grumbled as he rolled over and sprawled out in my bed.
“What? That made no sense whatsoever,” I scowled, as I rounded the bed.
“You’re still talking.”
“Huh?”
“If I wouldn’t have given in and stayed last night, I’d still be sleeping and not listening to you . . . Still. Talking.”
“Sure,” I shook my head with a smirk, “keep telling yourself that, Ash”
Once in the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and walked over to the shower. My head was still pounding as I pulled open the frameless glass door and leaned in. My hand found the silver faucet lever, spinning it half way around to my usual toasty warm setting and closed the door. Yawning, I rolled my neck as I walked to the toilet to pee and undress. Along the way, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and stopped. Yikes. The mascara and eyeliner smeared below my eyes made me look like a raccoon. In the reflection, I could see the steam behind me slowly fleeing the glass enclosure and taking over the room. Faintly, I could see the yellowing of the fading bruises. They were almost completely healed.
A few minutes later while I rinsed the conditioner from my hair, I heard a knock.
“Lizzy,” he whined.
Ashton. I knew that tone. He wanted something.
“I gotta piss,” he shouted through the wooden barrier.
“I’m naked in here! You’re gonna have to wait or go outside,” I responded, trying to hurry up and get the conditioner out of my hair.
“I swear I won’t look,” he lied. “I’m coming in.”
“No, Ashton!” I screamed, my head whipped frantically around the shower in search of something to cover myself. The shower door was steamy but still visible as I watched the white door open inward. Spinning around, I turned away from him. At least that way he would only see my ass. “I hate you, Ashton.”
“Nice ass, Lizzy,” Ashton said jovially with a whistle.
“I swear, I’m gonna . . .”
“What? Hit me?” he asked about the time I heard the toilet seat clank against the tank. “You’d have to get out the shower to do that.” He delighted in his verbal victory with a laugh.
Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes with a sigh. It wasn’t like he wasn’t my best friend. Sure, I had been in the bathroom when Anna peed, but this was different. Gah. The sound of him peeing totally skeeved me out. I stood in the middle of the shower facing the wall, warm water sluicing down me, and waited as Ashton relieved himself.
After what seemed way too long, I looked over my shoulder. “How is it healthy that you pee that much? I mean, just how big is your bladder?”
“Not sure how big that is, but I do know-,”
“For the love of all things holy, do not finish that sentence. If you want us to remain friends, do not tell me how big your junk is,” I ranted. “Ever.”
The infinite stream ceased, and I heard him zip up.
Shit.
Mentally, I was shouting don’t flush, but I wasn’t able to get it out before he did. The water raining down over me went from soothing and warm to boiling lava hot.
“Holy shit!” I jumped backwards out of the scalding stream, spinning to get away and in doing so, I came face to face with Ashton. The only thing between us, his cargo shorts and a sheet of steamy glass, that, let’s be honest, wasn’t that steamy.
“Holy shit,” he echoed. His mouth gaped open as his eyes bugged out of his head.
“Get out,” I screamed and turned back around, humiliated. I wrapped one arm around my boobs and the free hand covered my neatly trimmed pubic hair. “Get out, Ashton!”
He didn’t say anything. All I could hear was the whoosh of the door as it opened and closed. Cautiously, I glanced over my shoulder to make sure the coast was clear before I turned back around. Grumbling, I raised the hand from between my legs to check the temperature of the water before stepping back in.
Ten minutes later, clean, dried, and slightly less mortified, I peeked out the door to look for Ashton. “Ash,” I called out, not seeing him in the bed.
Silence answered.
Stepping into the bedroom, I stood still, glancing around and listened for movement. I wouldn’t put it past Ashton to jump out and try to scare the shit out of me.
Nothing.
I turned and walked into the closet to find a pair of jeans and a tank. If I remembered correctly, the weather was supposed to be hot. I had only made the mistake of wearing shorts while riding English once. The inside of my thighs had blood blisters for days from the stirrup leathers.
Dressing for the day, thoughts of Cooper lingered in my mind. The cold tone of his harsh words had settled in the pit of my stomach like wishful pennies in a dark well. I knew eventually I would have to see him again and I knew those feelings of rejection would come pouring back in. Trying to find a positive, I thought back to how much fun I had last night, surrounded by friends. In the safety of familiar faces, it was a vast difference to the last party in Charlotte. No one trying to assault me was definitely a positive.
Thirty minutes later, with my head drumming along to the beat of the song on the radio, I slowly turned my convertible into the gravel of the farm’s driveway and stopped in front of the tack room. Ashton’s truck was missing, but Maria’s SUV and Scott’s truck were parked next to the long, stone encased house. Cooper’s black Jeep was parked alongside the barn near the pool, unmoved from last night. My palms were instantly clammy as my insides quivered at the thought of running into him.
Just before I turned the key to shut off the engine, Sister Hazel’s Your Winter streamed somberly from the satellite radio through the speakers. Sitting and listening to the words, I wished Cooper would tell me he was sorry and that he didn’t want to hurt me.
After the first chorus, I killed the engine, opened the door, and climbed out of the car. Reaching in, I plucked my cell phone from the small compartment above the shifter and checked the time. Eleven-thirty. I had plenty of time for a ride before the two o’clock beginner class I was supposed to teach. I tucked my phone into the back pocket of my jeans as my boots carried me to the barn. When I came through the doorway, Peaches popped her head out of the closest box stall and called to me in a high-pitched whinny.
“Hey there, sweet girl.” I reached out and rubbed my hand up and down her soft, gray face. “You look like you wanna get out and run. What’d ya say? Wanna run with me?”
“Whatcha runnin’ from?” his deep voice asked from behind me.
Shit.
My stomach felt like it had been dropped from the top of the Empire State Building. Even mad at him for dismissing me like he did last night, his voice made my eyes flutter and knees weaken. In a split second, I had to decide if I wanted to answer him or ignore the loaded question and get Peaches ready for our escape. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I turned to look at Cooper. The man staring back at me was not the same man that stood in this very barn and apathetically pushed me away. No, the man that stood before me was solemn and sincere. His bloodshot hazel eyes brimmed with regret and sorrow.
“Who says I’m running from anything?” I challenged, continuing to run my hand back and forth on Peaches’ face.
“You asked Peaches if she wanted to run with you,” he replied, leaning on the doorframe of the large door. Touché.
“She looked like she was itchin’ to get out of this stall. Besides, I could use some fresh air.”
“You sure that’s it?” Cooper pushed. He wanted to talk about last night but didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. So, that was what he did, he beat around the bush.
“I’m sure.” I pulled my arms in and crossed them over my chest. “Why would you think I’d run away from anything?”
“’Cause I know you, Kins. I know the look in your eye when you’re not sayin’ what you really want to. I know what you tell others to make them think you’re okay. I know you.” He pushed off the wood doorway and took a step toward me. “Don’t think I didn’t see how you reacted when Ashton grabbed you from behind last night when your jackass ex came at me.” I swallowed hard. I had forgotten about that. I didn’t think anyone noticed. “You wanna tell me what happened?”
“No.” I turned, grabbed the lead off the hook next to Peaches’ stall, then slipped under the rubber stall guard into Peaches’ stall. My fingers pulled down the lever on the snap and hooked it to the bottom of her halter. Walking Peaches back to the door, I unsnapped and dropped the rubber barrier, keeping her from escaping and traipsing down the road.
“Ya know what, Ford looks like he wants to get out for a little while too,” Cooper said as I walked Peaches past Ford whose head stuck out of his stall watching our little exchange. He was testing my patience. I stopped walking and turned back around to face him.
“No, Coop. You need to turn around and walk out the same door you just came through and leave me alone.” I threw his words from last night back in his face. Before he could say a word, I whipped back around and continued down the barn aisle to where the grooming boxes were shelved. Picking up Peaches’ box by the handle on top, I walked her a few more feet to the cross ties. I bent down and picked up the snap connected to the braided rope. Not bothering with the second tie, I snapped the rope to the right side of her halter, tossing the lead over her neck. Once she was secured, I turned and ran smack into Cooper’s broad chest. “I thought I told you to leave me alone,” I grunted, taking a step back.
“Not happenin’, Kins. I don’t scare that easy.” Cooper stood his ground and didn’t move out of the way as I tried to step around him.
“Oh, what? And I do?” My eyes widened.
“You sure as hell took off last night,” he accused, crossing his thick arms over his chest.
“Well, I’m not in the business of letting anyone, even you,” I poked the middle of his hard chest with my index finger, “Cooper O’Loughlin, shit on me. I don’t care if you were pissed or not. I don’t deserve to be treated like that.” I huffed and continued. “Just dismissed like some . . . some . . . I don’t know, but I didn’t deserve for you to yell at me,” I stammered and stuttered like an idiot. I was mad and embarrassed as I stumbled over my words. He looked on as I ranted with this arrogant smirk. “God, you’re infuriating!”
“You done?” he asked.
“No. I’m not. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and apologize and you were a big jerk.” My nostrils flared as my forehead puckered. “There . . . now, I’m done. So, move.”
He stood there, unmoving, looking into my eyes as if he were searching for something. If I wasn’t so riled up I might have been turned on. He was so damn handsome. God, I wanted to kick him for being almost too much to resist. Bastard.
“You done now?” His brow raised.
“I just said I was.” Jesus, that man was maddening.
“Good. My turn.” He took a step back, giving me a little space, but not much. “I was a dick last night. I tried to apologize, but you had already passed out from drinkin’ way too fuckin’ much.” His words trigger a memory that I had dismissed as a dream. “I wasn’t mad at you, Kins,” he said, leaning against the stone wall. “I mean, maybe a little for ever being with a guy like Geoff. He never deserved you.”
“Much like Maggie,” I muttered.
“Yeah, much like Maggie,” he agreed. “Seeing him made me remember all the shit he did and how he hurt you, and I got pissed.”
“You certainly didn’t look pissed at Sam,” I interrupted.
“Don’t look now, but you sound a little jealous, Kinsley,” he countered as an arrogant, knowing smile slipped across his face.
“I hate her.” I did hate her, with a passion of a thousand suns. For years, I have wished she would disappear, so I would never have to look at her traitorous face ever again.
“I know you do,” he said sympathetically. “Just before you came up to us, I was tellin’ her she probably should leave before you saw her. I tried to manage the situation without it comin’ to blows with that dickhead, but you know how that ended up,” he said, bending over and picking up the stiff brush, tossing it to me. “Maybe we can continue this while we ride?”
I took a deep breath then shook my head. “Fine.”
I had no resolve when it came to Cooper. He had me hooked like a yoyo. It was sort of pathetic really. He could push me away but with just a gentle tug, I’d come running back. Every. Time.
Ten minutes later, we were tacked, mounted, and moseying out through the back pasture toward the fifty or so acres of thick woods and meandering creeks that cut through the hillside.
The first ten minutes out were quiet. It was nice; being out there with Cooper but not having to say anything. Just being. Listening to the branches scraping together in the light breeze and smelling the fresh cut hay in the adjacent field. It felt so right, so natural.
“For the record, you shouldn’t drink so much at a party like you did last night,” Cooper said what I knew to be true, but I knew I would be fine surrounded by my friends. Ford walked beside Peaches, both on a loose rein, with no care in the world.
“Oh, really? And just why is that?” I countered refusing to admit he was right, turning my head slightly left to get a look at him as he lectured me on drinking. I knew better than to get trashed at parties, which is why I didn’t do it unless I was with people I knew I could, and did, trust with my life.
“Anyone could have scooped you up and taken advantage of you, Kins.”
Quietly, I thought to myself, if it was you I wouldn’t care, but I refrained from verbalizing my hedonistic desires. “I was with you, Ashton, Ethan, and Storm. No one in their right mind would’ve messed with me, Coop.”
“Here, no, but what about at college parties. That shit happens all the time,” he said nonchalantly, having no idea the wound he had opened. I tried so hard not to flinch or have a reaction. I stared ahead, ignoring the comment. His words reminded me of the voice that woke me up in the middle of the night at my last college party. “Hey . . .”
“Huh?” I pretended to be daydreaming, lost in the nightmare of that night.
Cooper tightened the reins, pulled back slightly, and brought Ford to a halt. “Listen, Kins, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Tapping the reins with a whoa, I stopped Peaches and looked over at his handsome face full of candor. Smiling back at him, I said, “I do.”
“So, you wanna start with why Ashton grabbing you last night freaked you out so much?” he asked. I had to get some space. I really did not want to talk about it, at all, but I knew Cooper well enough to know he wouldn’t drop it.
With a soft squeeze of my calves and quiet cluck from the corner of my mouth, I moved Peaches forward and away from the question. “There’s nothing to tell, Coop. He caught me off guard. That’s all.”
“You sure about that?” Cooper gave Ford a little encouragement and soon they were beside us again, walking side by side.
“Positive. So . . . what’s new with you?” I looked over as he caught back up with me.
“Nice change of subjects, Kins.”
I shrugged in reply.
He stared at me for a beat, sighed, and continued. “Not a whole lot. Just working and coming up here when I have a free weekend to try to spend what little time we have left with Dad.” His body tensed, and I knew he was fighting back the emotions he didn’t want anyone to see. Not even me.
Tears welled in my eyes as a familiar heaviness settled into my chest. “I know I’ve said it, but I am really sorry. I’d give anything . . . ,” My voice trailed off because there were so many things I wished I could change. I hated seeing him and Ash hurting so much.
“Yeah, I know . . . I’m sorry we haven’t really had time to hang out and catch up in the last few weeks. Work’s been busy, and you’ve been with Ashton most of the time,” he said, looking ahead at the path that would soon narrow. In true Cooper fashion, he changed the subject.
“I’m with Ashton most of the time because he’s here every day and I’m helping him with the lessons. Besides, he’s my best friend. We’ve always been kinda inseparable,” I reminded him with a soft smile and a shrug of the shoulders. “Where are you now?” I knew he had to be close since he was home every weekend, I just hadn’t thought to ask before.
“Meade, but hopefully not much longer. I put in for a transfer to Aberdeen,” he said.
“Really?” My voice jumped and even caused Peaches to startle a tad. Releasing the reins with one hand, I reached forward and rubbed her neck. “Sorry, sweet girl.”
Cooper chuckled at my excitement. “Yeah, but it could be a month or so before I know.”
“So, what’s the job? What would you be doing?” I asked, eyes wide in delight.
“Same as now, cybersecurity, but it’d be closer to home, a higher paygrade, and -”
“Wait, you’re not in Special Forces anymore? How did I miss that?” My head cocked to the left, shocked. Maggie had really done a number on him.
“Nah, after I got divorced, I took a job in the cybersecurity division and moved to Fort Meade. I’m on base but I’d love to get out of the house I’m in. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guys I live with but I’m over them just wanting to hang out and drink.” He shrugged, resting his left hand holding the reins, on the horn of his Western saddle. He continued to talk but I couldn’t hear the words over the rocking of his hips. With each step Ford took, Cooper’s hips rolled back and forth. “I don’t know. I guess I’m too old for the bullshit anymore.”
The sun shone through the tree tops as we reached a small clearing just before the creek. Off to the side, a large tree trunk laid across the forest floor, fallen several years before. In the rays of golden light, specks and spots could be seen floating and dancing as the breeze blew through the trees.
“What about you? What’re you gonna do with your degree?” he asked, as we descended the short hill to the sand creek side.
“Um, I’m not really sure. I haven’t really start looking for a job. I was thinking I’d take the summer to really decide,” I explained. “But then Maria offered to pay me to teach the lessons.”
“And?” Cooper inquired with a knitted brow.
I sighed. “I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right taking money from them right now, but I need a job and it would help her out. Plus, I promised your dad I would help her.”
“Sounds like you already know what you want to do but, as always, your heart is too big. The farm can definitely afford to pay you. Don’t worry about that. Mom was just telling Dad the other day that she had to open up a bunch of more classes because we had so many new students.”
“I would need to get certified if I’m gonna do it on a permanent basis, but that’s not too difficult.” Relaxing my shoulders, I smiled at the thought. Riding was my passion.
“So, do it. You clearly want to.” Cooper stopped just shy of the water’s edge. “You go first.”
“Thanks.”
On a slack rein, I nudged Peaches into the water. Unable to see through the murky water to the bottom, I allowed her to navigate her way through the rocky creek-bed and not get either of us hurt. She stopped about midway through the stream that would have come up to my thigh and waited for Ford. After taking a drink of the cool water, she pawed the ground, splashing water in every direction. As her shoed hoof raked back and forth, I could hear the metal shoe clanking against the river rocks.
Ford, just behind us, reached Peaches and joined in, the water cooling their bellies. Cooper and I sat atop of our respective mounts, laughing. While they played in the water, I took the opportunity to stretch my arms above my head and twist my back in both directions.
Even hiding in the shadows of the large oaks and maples, it was hot. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about jumping in the water. The pool would be my best friend as soon as I got Peaches cleaned up and put away. I could feel beads of sweat slowly rolling from between my shoulder blades, gaining speed as they slid down my spine.
I turned to Cooper to tell him we should head back, but before I could engage my mouth, my eyes landed on the sweetest of sights and I almost fell out of the saddle. His hands held tight to the hem of his shirt, as he lifted the cotton above his head, exposing a wall of well-defined, tanned muscle. Unaware of my gawking, he bent down, with shirt in hand and dipped it into the water quickly. Ringing out the excess water, he finally glanced in my direction. “What?”
My eyes widened, and my head whipped around like it was on a swivel, looking away. I had been busted and my heating cheeks betrayed my embarrassment. “Nothing, I was just going to suggest that we head back because it was so hot.”
“Thus, why I wet my shirt,” he explained. That’s not the only thing you wet. “Kinsley Allen, did I just embarrass you?” Cooper laughed as I heard Ford walking closer.
I willed the redness from my face. “No, I was . . . uh, just giving you some privacy.”
“If I wanted privacy, I would have warned you.” His voice was deep, suggestive and riled me up in ways that terrified me. If Peaches chose that second to move, I would have fallen off and embarrassed myself even further.
Ford continued past me with a shirtless Cooper, and climbed the bank on the other side of the creek. Once on dry land, Cooper slipped the opening of the sopping wet shirt over his head and pulled the hem down, covering his drool-worthy abs. The shirt clung to him like I had dreamed of doing myself. “You coming?”
“Yeah,” I answered, urging Peaches out of the water and up the embankment.
“I know there’s something you’re not saying. Just know I’m always here for you.” Ford continued to walk at a clipped pace, Peaches mindlessly following along, not bothered by the quick stride.
“Yeah, I know that, but there’s really nothing to talk about, Coop.” I refused to meet his eyes.
“You say that, but I’m not buyin’ it, Kinsley. I saw you. I saw the panic in your eyes.” He tightened his fingers around the reins, stopping Ford on the moss-covered trail.
“Why do you assume something happened to me? He just scared me,” I maintained, passing him by. Ford, not one to be at the back of the pack, got antsy and stomped his hoof.
“Kinsley, I have known you most of your life. I’ve never seen you look like that,” he said as I heard Ford coming up beside me.
“I really don’t -”
“Cut the shit. I can read you like a book and you’re lying through your perfect teeth,” Cooper argued. Reaching out, his fingers wrapped around my bicep, claiming my full attention. “Spill it.”
With a deep breath, I sat deep in my saddle and tugged the reins a tad, halting Peaches. So much for him not pushing it. “I don’t know why I thought I’d ever be able to keep this a secret,” I grumbled to myself. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to tell him about this. My chest tightened as the dread tried its best to creep in.
No. I won’t be ashamed. It wasn’t my fault.
I sat tall, steeled my spine, and the words just came flying out my mouth without hesitation. “The night before I came home, I was attacked. I fought back. He . . .” I took a deep breath blowing it back out hard and continued, “hit me. Punched me. And . . .” I refused to feel like a victim, I pushed back the burning sensation in my nose. “I fought him off. See, end of story. No big deal. It’s not like he actually raped me,” I blurted out. For a split second, I felt free. The weight had somehow been lightened, not gone, but lifted a little. It all went to shit when I lifted my gaze to Cooper.
And there it was. Pity.
He looked at me like some poor, broken, little doll.
“That,” I tipped my head forward toward him, “is exactly why I didn’t say anything,” I seethed, shaking my head.
“What?” he asked with a furrowed brow. “What did I do?”
I gathered the reins, gave Peaches a gentle kick with my heel, and she shot out from under me, just as I prayed she would. I didn’t look back to see if Cooper followed. Truth be told, I hoped he didn’t. I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes again.
Was it completely and totally childish to run away? Without a doubt, but I refused to sit there and look at him looking at me like I had been broken. I wasn’t broken. Peaches cantered along, jumping a few logs on her way back to the barn.
For a few minutes, everything seemed peaceful as my anger calmed. The wind blew through my hair, clearing my mind. All of my focus went to the running beast beneath me; the trust she freely handed me to guide her safely through the narrowing path and the powerful stride in which she carried me. I got lost in the rhythmic sound of her heavy hooves hammering the damp soil as we ran.
In the distance, the red barn came into view through the greenery of the tall trees. The trail looped around the farm bringing us back up behind the barn.
“Whoa, girl,” I commanded with a firm grip on the reins. “What do you think? You wanna head back or take a cool down lap around the hay field?”
Peaches heaved as I dropped the reins to her neck and let her decide our destination. In a leisurely pace, she headed for the barn. When we arrived at the driveway, I kicked my right foot out of the stirrup, threw my leg over her rump, and hopped down.
I made quick work of getting Peaches untacked, hosed off, and turned out. Retrieving my phone from my back pocket, I turned the corner out of the barn and saw the text message on my cell. It was a picture of me and Ashton at the store. It had to be earlier this week when Maria sent us out for groceries.
Holy shit. Someone was watching me. My hands began to sweat, and my chest tightened with dread. I had to get home.
So absorbed in the threatening text, I wasn’t paying attention. I plowed right into the burly chest of one Cooper O’Loughlin. My cell phone fell from my hands, landing face down on the dusty concrete.
“Where’s the fire?” he asked, his face full of worry.
“No fire. Just heading home to grab a bite to eat before the beginner class,” I lied, bending over and snatching the phone up. Screen intact, thank goodness. I locked the screen, so Cooper didn’t see the image. The thought of eating food made me want to hurl.
“Good, that means you’ve got time to listen to me,” he started.
“Nope. Sure don’t.” I tried to sidestep around him toward my car, but he wasn’t having it.
“Come on, Kins. You can’t just tell me what you did and take off. Why’d you run off?” Cooper asked with the same look of pity that sent me running for the hills last time.
“That look,” I explained. “I don’t need your pity, Cooper. I’m just fine.”
“What’re you talking about? I don’t pity you, Kinsley. I genuinely wanted to help. The look you see here,” he lifted his hand and pointed to his face, “is a look of concern. You really should talk to someone. And if you won’t talk to me, then at least talk to Ashton, because you’re not fine.”
“And who made you the expert on the topic?”
“You forget, I’ve been deployed.” Shit, he had me there. “I get it. Really,” he softened. “But I promise, it does help.”
“There’s not much to tell. I basically told you what happened.”
“When you’re ready to talk about it,” he reached forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, “I’ll be here to listen. You’ve got my number.” The contact of his skin to mine was electric. If it had been visible, it would have lit up a night’s sky.
He turned and walked over to where Ford waited, tied to the fence. I was shocked that he dropped it, at least for now.
Cooper was stubborn but patient. He might have walked away but he would be back to pester me. I might not have known when, but I knew without a shadow of doubt, he would be.
No way he would just drop it.
The problem was, too much of me couldn’t go there again. The nightmares and memories were bad enough. I couldn’t open my soul, even to Cooper, and really take myself back to the moment I felt violated and afraid.
To the place where I became damaged.