Chapter 9—Conquering Our Shit

* Tiff *

I gulped another glass of liquid courage.

The spiked punch was potent. I was pretty buzzed and feeling somewhat invulnerable. I’d come to this party for one express purpose. To purge Riley from my mind once and for all. To prove I could have casual sex just like all my friends, enjoy it, and move on. I didn’t need meaningful sex with a guy I truly cared about, because if that were the case, the only guy I’d want would be Riley.

I hadn’t even told my roommates I’d decided to go for it. Alisa would embarrass me, and Wayne would be disappointed. He was a romantic at heart and had decided Riley and I were fated to be together.

Maybe sleeping with random guys wouldn’t purge Riley from my heart and my fantasies, but either way, I’d have my answer. He’d been taking up too much space in my head lately, driving me to utter distraction, affecting my studies and my riding. This madness had to stop.

Part of me warned I was inviting another form of madness into my head by behaving out of character. Yet it’d been a long time since I’d had a clue what was in character for me. As a result, I was here, searching for answers, and looking for God knew what.

I staggered to the punch bowl, none too steady, and felt a warm hand on my elbow, holding me up.

“Hey, beautiful,” the guy whispered in my ear. “I’ve been watching you all night.”

I rolled my eyes and turned to face him. “Have you now?” Not slurring my words took some effort.

“Sure have.” He eyed me up and down, his gaze lingering on the cleavage of the tight tank I’d borrowed from Alisa’s closet, then traveling farther down to my legs, encased in skinny jeans. He placed a hand on my hip and slid it down to my ass, squeezing it. I wanted to slap that smug look off his face, but I didn’t. This was the perfect guy to have meaningless sex with, proving I could get beyond my Riley fantasies.

I took a swig of the punch to swallow some of my aversion to this douche. He leaned forward and nibbled on my ear, down my neck, my jaw, and pulled me to him for a rough kiss, not the least bit enjoyable, but I forced myself to endure it.

He pulled away, not even clueing in on how little I was into this. He grabbed my hand. “Let’s go upstairs and fuck.”

I had to applaud his forthrightness, I guess. I allowed him to tow me up the stairs. He tried a few doors until he found an unoccupied bedroom and led me to the bed. I sat down on it, fighting back the bile rising in my throat as he sat next to me and started kissing me all over my neck and face. His mouth angled down on mine, hard and demanding. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined he was Riley.

A complete cop-out, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

I needed to get through this first with whatever means at my disposal, no matter how distasteful.

He didn’t kiss like Riley. Riley kissed like summer promises in the dead of dreary, gray Seattle winter. Riley kissed as if his soul were forever intertwined with mine. Riley kissed as though I was the center of his universe.

This guy just—kissed. Nothing special. I might as well have been slobbered on by Riley’s big Newfie for all his kiss did for me. But my reaction didn’t matter. I wanted him to get this done with. We didn’t really need to kiss. Not much. Just do it.

He didn’t even have the decency or empathy to get a clue as to how much his touch and mouth repulsed me.

I could do this. I wanted to do this. I was twenty-one fucking years old in the twenty-first century. I needed to get with the program and quit behaving like a refugee from the 1950s.

You should be having sex with Riley, not some anonymous asswipe, demanded my conscience, while said dickwipe shoved his hands up my tank and groped my breasts. Seriously? Women found this jerk a turn-on? Maybe they were so thrilled to be with him they didn’t care how insensitive he was to their needs. His tongue was halfway down my throat while he pinched my nipples through the thin lace of my bra. I wanted to knee him in the nuts and throw beer in his face.

I shut my eyes again, trying to picture Riley’s intense blue gaze burning into mine, heating my body from the inside out and sending the blood pounding through my veins. Only his image didn’t wipe out the reality of the smirking man currently copping a feel. I put my hands on the jerk’s chest and shoved as hard as I could. He slid off the bed and sat on the floor blinking in surprise.

I caught a movement near the door and squinted into the light spilling inside the room. I’d know that silhouette anywhere.

“Riley,” I said, almost a whisper.

Riley’s eyes drilled into mine, filled with a mountain of hurt and an ocean of disgust. His body tensed and a second later he pivoted on his heel, the door slamming hard after him. I shot to my feet, stepping over the still-dazed idiot on the floor. Without pausing to think about what I was doing, I ran to the door and down the hall after Riley, straightening my clothes and smoothing my hair as I ran. I wiped the taste of douche off my mouth.

I’d made a mistake. Having sex with someone else couldn’t purge Riley from my system. Only Riley could purge Riley, but having sex with Riley came with risks—big ones. There was a huge chance a night with him would do the opposite of purging.

Riley. What was it about him? It went beyond our shared experiences.

I hadn’t fallen in instalove with Riley, not the way I had with Jacob. With Jake it’d been instalust, hot and animalistic. We’d had chemistry. I’d thought I’d loved him—until he pointed a gun in my face and pulled the trigger. There wasn’t a bullet in the chamber. The gun just clicked. Jacob had laughed and said, “Remember me and remember them.” Then he’d swung the gun toward two of my friends and shot them dead. Gina, my bestie, and I huddled on the floor. Riley dived for us as the gun went off again.

My love for Riley had built slowly over the next few years as we struggled to come to terms with our brush with death, our own mortality, and the betrayal of his teammates and my boyfriend. Through it all, Riley had been patient and kind. He’d taken what little I’d given him and been happy with it. Even when I’d broken his heart and dated a guy from another school for a few months. Nothing had happened between us, and the guy eventually tired of my excuses and dumped me.

I hurried after Riley. He was striding down the street, his body tight, his hands fisted. He broke into a run. I raced after him, losing him quickly, but I knew where he was headed.

Home.

And I’d be there as soon as I could.

I caught up with him sitting on the porch in front of his house, his head in his hands. Otto spotted me first and thumped his tail against the wooden slats of the porch, alerting Riley. He glanced up and shot a withering glare at me, his blue eyes chilly as ice, but I saw the heart-wrenching hurt beneath.

“Riley, please, listen. Let me explain.” I sat down next to him. He started to get up, and I grabbed his arm. He yanked it out of my grasp and stood, fumbling with the doorknob. I pushed my way in front of him, blocking his exit.

“There’s nothing to explain. Who you fuck is your fucking business. You’ve made that one hundred percent clear.”

I hated that I was always unintentionally hurting Riley. “I didn’t do it.”

My admission had no effect. He continued to glare at me.

“Did you hear me? I couldn’t do it. The only way I could kiss him was by pretending he was you.”

He turned away from me and propped his elbows on the porch railing. A muscle worked in his strong, square jaw. He stared down at Otto, refusing to look at me. His faithful dog shot me a doggy go-to-hell glower and leaned against Riley, licking his hand.

“But he wasn’t you. He’s a jerk, and you’re—”

He spun and faced me. His big hands gripped my upper arms. “I’m what?” The wounded look in his eyes broke my heart. I was a heartless bitch, and I didn’t deserve the devotion of a guy like him. I could either find a way to dig deep, fight my dysfunction, and deserve him, or subject myself to a life of endless loneliness and longing for what could’ve been.

Was I truly that much of a coward that I would exchange happiness for safety?

“Riley,” I pleaded, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I never meant to hurt you.”

He blinked several times and shook his head. His body tight with tension. His unreadable gaze swept across my face and softened slightly. “I know you didn’t,” he whispered in a raspy voice. “But that doesn’t change anything.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

His gaze met mine, and the intensity and determination shining there drove me back a few steps. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want it all, Tiff, and I want it all with you.”

“I don’t know—” The weariness crept into my voice and my body.

“Why didn’t you stay with Duke? Why’d you leave him to run after me if you don’t want the same thing?”

“Duke? That’s his name?” My throat constricted and my heart pounded in my chest as he pressed against me and framed my face between his hands. Despite the anger in his gaze, his touch was amazingly gentle.

“You want it, too. Admit it.”

“I think so.” I felt myself nod. I stared up at him, wide-eyed and speechless as I watched his lips move closer and closer. My eyelids fluttered shut, my body gave up the fight, and I leaned into him.

My heart followed.

* Riley *

I hadn’t wanted to come to this house party, but one of the baseball players had turned twenty-one, and Gage insisted we all go as a show of solidarity among the Chinook teams. I’d spent a good portion of the night talking sports with any guy who’d talk with me and drinking a little too much beer.

Somewhat drunk, I staggered upstairs and looked for the bathroom. Recalling it was the door at the end of the hall, I yanked it open and stopped. This wasn’t a bathroom, and it was occupied, not only by a bed but by a couple making out hot and heavy.

A varsity baseball player known as Duke was sucking tongue with some petite blonde. I’d never liked the guy. The douche actually called himself the Duke of V. If anyone asked what the V stood for, he told them virgins and vaginas. I wanted to gag.

The couple was still sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, but it was obvious what was happening next. Duke never took no for an answer.

I should have left, but my feet were rooted to the floor for some unfathomable reason. I did a double-take as the asshole slid his hands under the girl’s tight shirt.

What the fuck?

I moved one step closer, unable to stop myself. That petite little blonde wasn’t just an anonymous hookup, she was—

Tiff.

I shook my head and rubbed my eyes, unable to believe what I was seeing. Tiff wasn’t the type of girl who hooked up with some random guy for a cheap orgasm.

I narrowed my eyes, unable to fathom why she would be with a dickhead like that.

I fisted my fingers and counted to ten, taking deep, calming breaths. Blood thrummed through my veins. There was a roaring in my head. I wanted to beat the crap out of Duke and kiss some sense into Tiff. Only I knew the truth. She would not appreciate my interference. She wasn’t mine. As much as I wanted her to be, nothing could change that fact but Tiff herself, and she’d made it very clear she wasn’t interested. She could do what she wanted with whoever she wanted. There wasn’t a fucking thing I could do about it.

But I wanted to. Damn it, I wanted to.

I should be with her, not some asshole who didn’t give a shit about her. Tiff wasn’t a hookup type of girl. She was a girl a guy got serious with after he tired of the superficial hookups. A guy like me. Not a guy like him. I ran down the stairs, three at a time, and out the front door, racing down the street, until my lungs burned and my legs were numb.

After opening the door to let Otto out, I sank to my ass on my front porch and buried my head in my hands. Otto ran around the front yard, did his business, and came back to sit next to me. He rested his big head on my slumped shoulders, wiping drool across my sweatshirt. I didn’t care. At least somebody loved me.

I was having a big pity party and proud of it.

Otto whined, calling my attention to Tiff striding up my sidewalk with purpose.

Before I knew it, I was standing on the porch with her, cupping her delicate face in my big hands and leaning down. She gazed up at me. Her lips parted in silent invitation, and her reaction was all the invitation my body needed.

I touched my lips to hers and felt heaven, pure, absolute, awesome heaven. If I had to pick between having sex with ten supermodels or kissing Tiff, I’d pick Tiff every time. My kiss was gentle as I tasted those lips I’d only tasted one other time too long ago. She was tentative, but as the kiss deepened, I could feel her gain confidence. Our tongues explored and tangled; I forced myself to keep it slow and easy, despite the lust raging through my body demanding to be fulfilled. Her kiss sent me to places I’d never been before with emotions more powerful than any I’d ever felt.

I broke the kiss first out of self-preservation more than anything. I was losing myself, getting sucked down so deep, I’d never be able to fight my way out.

Tiff’s brown eyes fluttered open, and she gazed up at me, her arms tight around my neck. I held my breath, waiting to see if she’d bolt like a frightened deer who’d gotten too close to a possible captor or predator. I was neither, and I’d need the patience of a saint to show her how good we could be.

“Riley,” she said simply, my name a sweet song on her well-kissed lips. A slow smile curved her beautiful face. With my arms looped around her waist, I relaxed somewhat, unable to do anything about the raging hard-on currently rubbing against her stomach.

We stood like that for a long time, letting our eyes say what words never could. Otto nudged me with his nose, bringing me back from the brink of total absorption.

“Be my girlfriend,” I urged, going for broke, putting all my cards on the table. I’d always been an all-in kind of guy.

Her soft laughter wasn’t what I’d expected. “You don’t mince words, do you, Riley Black?”

“Never have. Not when it comes to something I want, and I’ve wanted you for years.” I smiled back while my cautious heart thudded against my chest and hoped for the best. “Be my girlfriend,” I urged again.

“We’ve never had a real date.” She smiled, one of those rare Tiff smiles that spread sunshine and laughter.

The enormous cloud that had blocked my sun ever since I’d seen her again lifted. Her teasing gave me hope and warmed my cold insides. She was such a little thing, and I was a big guy at six five and two hundred forty pounds. I weighed more than twice what she weighed.

“I’m glad you didn’t sleep with him.”

She touched my cheek. “So am I.” She sobered, her frown returning, and I braced myself for all the reasons she used as to why this wasn’t a good idea. “Riley, I’m a screwed-up mess.”

“And I’m not? We’ll make a good pair.”

“Not as much as me.”

“You have no idea.” The sad thing was that she didn’t.

She managed a smile. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

That ship had sailed long ago, but I didn’t point out what should’ve been obvious. “I’d rather be hurt and have my heart broken than never try at all and keep it safe. Let’s have that date. It’s long overdue.”

She was caving. I could see it in her eyes.

“We’ll take it one day at a time,” I added in the spirit of mutual cooperation.

She looked away and worried her lower lip between her teeth, a sure sign she was thinking. I forced myself to wait. She met my gaze. I sucked in a breath and held it.

“Okay, one date.”

Relief flooded me. I wanted to dance for joy and shout out my good fortune from the rooftops. “Are we exclusive?”

“It’s one date.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Yeah, but one date leads to another and another and—” I grinned at her. “So are we?” I waited impatiently while my heart slammed against my chest.

She sighed and looked heavenward for a moment. “I’m not going to see anyone else if I’m seeing you.”

I wrapped my arms around her and only loosened my hold when she started squirming. She pushed on my chest, and I let go.

“Riley, I can’t promise you anything. I don’t know if this is going to work, but I’m willing to try.”

“That’s all I can ask. Tomorrow, I’ll take you to dinner.” I wasn’t wasting any time.

She nodded and swallowed. “I hope you know what you’re getting into.”

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I knew what I was getting into. I was getting Tiff, her laughter, her tears, her smile, her hand in mine. I was getting long nights cuddling in bed and the joy of seeing her wear my jersey on game day. I was getting my dream.

And I was determined to make this work.

“Sweetheart, trust me. Together we can conquer our shit.”

She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. She thought I was referring to the shooting. She had no idea what my childhood had been like.

Absolutely no idea.