Chapter 20—Strangers

* Tiff *

I tossed my coat over a chair, kicked off my boots, and slid onto a kitchen stool, propping my socked feet on the rung. The savory aroma of pot roast permeated the room and should’ve comforted me. It didn’t. If anything, I felt a little queasy.

I waited for Riley, but he’d pulled a Cooper and wasn’t talking. He closed the blinds and locked all the doors. The hard granite outline of his face said all I needed to know. He wasn’t going to make this easy. The old Tiff would’ve hung on to the opportunity not to go deep into any problem and either left or finished dinner as if nothing had happened. I’d done too much glossing over of issues lately, not just Riley’s but my own. And here I thought I’d come so far.

Riley threw his coat on top of mine, grabbed two beers from the fridge, and set one in front of me. He took a long, hard pull and avoided my gaze. Sensing his distress, Otto sat on Riley’s feet and leaned against his legs.

I tapped my fingers on the granite countertop. He hated it when I did that. This time, he didn’t react. Okay, fine, I was going to spill my guts about the note, but he was going first.

“Who was that woman?” I said, losing patience.

His entire body tensed, the muscles strung so tightly I thought he might shatter. He took another long pull, draining half the bottle. Riley snagged a barstool and sat. He bowed his head and rubbed his eyes. Fine, I’d wait then, but he wasn’t getting out of this so easily.

I reached across the few feet between us; the void might as well have been a mile. I touched his shoulder, and he flinched. He covered his face with his hands. His tortured moan sounded as if someone had reached into his heart and wrenched his soul right out of him. I’d never seen him like this. He’d always been the strong, stoic one.

Finally, he raised his haunted gaze to mine. “I’m a fraud.”

I squinted at him, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “A fraud?”

“Yeah, a fucking fraud.” The bitterness in his voice caught me off guard.

“Ry, you’re the most genuine person I know.” I stroked his arm, running my fingers over the concrete-hard biceps. He didn’t relax; if anything he tensed more and stared straight ahead, refusing to look at me.

“Ry,” I said softly. “I love you.”

He sighed and met my gaze, searching my face. “She’s my mother.” He spoke the words so quietly, I had to lean closer to hear them. Even then, several seconds passed before I could process the information, though I’d already suspected this.

“But your mother is dead.”

“She is to me and to Uncle Coop. To my entire family.” He spoke in a flat voice, which stunned me more than his simmering anger of moments ago.

I shook my head, rejecting what he’d just told me. This couldn’t be true. All those times we’d talked about anything and everything. Never once had he mentioned that his mother was alive. The few times he’d spoken of her, he’d said she was dead, and he didn’t want to discuss her. A profound sense of betrayal sliced through me. I’d tried this time. No matter how painful, I’d told him about the pain of my parents’ divorce, about my fears, my hopes, and I’d been on the verge of telling him about the note. We’d shared our darkest secrets, yet he’d told me little of his life before he’d lived with his Uncle Coop, other than it’d been idyllic until his mother was killed in an accident.

“Where’s your father? Is he still living, too?” I said, attempting to keep my voice even. I stood and started to pace, unable to sit still.

“I don’t know.” He turned his back to me, refusing to look at me.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I don’t know who my father is.”

I sat back and stared out the window at the now-rain-soaked street. “You don’t know?”

He whipped around to face me. “I fucking don’t know. You saw her. She’s a prostitute. A drug addict. She doesn’t have a fucking clue which guy knocked her up.”

His anger sent me skittering away. I put the counter between us and gripped the solid edge for balance. A flashback exploded in my brain of Jacob exhibiting the same level of anger and frustration just before we broke up and just before he…before he did what he did. The very Jacob who was rotting in Walla Walla state prison. The thought of him still being alive made my skin crawl. The other shooter had died. I wish it’d been him instead. A flash of Jacob’s smirk as he wrote the threatening note crossed my mind.

“There. Are you happy you asked? My childhood was a fucking nightmare, and I’m not interested in going over the sordid details.” His cold eyes didn’t look like Riley’s eyes, and I shrank back even more, hating my cowardice but unable to control it.

Riley’s face hardened even more. “My mom is a real sore spot with me. You’re keeping secrets, too. What’s this about a note?”

“At the memorial service, some guy came up to me and handed me a note from Jacob.”

“What did it say?”

“Just trash. Hollow threats. Nothing big, or I’d have told you.”

He narrowed his gaze and glared at me. “If it wasn’t a big deal, why’d you keep it a secret?”

“Why’d you keep your past a secret? Why make something up?”

“When you’re in school with a bunch of rich kids, you don’t want to be singled out as the one who’d been homeless or had rats for company, and not cute little white ones, but big nasty ones that snarl at you. I didn’t want to be the guy they looked at like there’s something wrong with him. Just like you’re looking at me now.”

“I’m not looking at you like that.” But I was. I was looking at him as though I didn’t know him because I wasn’t sure I did.

“Like fuck you aren’t.”

“Riley.” I reached for him, and he jerked away. “If you can’t tell me about your mother and your childhood then we don’t have the relationship I thought we had.”

“You’re right. You never told me about Jacob. We don’t have the relationship I thought we had.”

“It’s not the same.” I defended myself, still trying to grasp what he’d told me. “And you still don’t want to talk about it. I want to hear about it. I want to know everything. We promised each other we’d be honest. Tell me, Riley. Please.”

He shook his head. “No.” His ice-blue eyes and square chin reminded me of Cooper.

“If you can’t talk to me about a painful period in your life then we have no trust. Without trust, love means nothing.”

“Then I guess we have nothing, because I’m not talking about it.”

“Are you saying we were a mistake? You and I?” The pitch of my voice rose to an angry shriek.

“I don’t know what I’m saying.” His words held so much anguish, my heart wept for him.

“Riley, we both screwed up. No more secrets. I need to know everything.”

He stared at his clenched hands braced on the counter. “I—I don’t know if I can tell you.”

“If you loved me, you could tell me.” I choked back a sob and viciously swiped at my eyes. I wasn’t cutting him any slack. I had to know who he was deep down inside. Without knowing his past, I could never see our future.

Riley shook his head. I stood there, staring at him; a lone tear slid down his cheek. He stared back, stubbornly silent and unbending.

“You know where to find me if and when you’re ready to talk.” I walked stiffly to the door and shut it quietly behind me. Sprinting home, I threw myself on the bed. My tears soaked the pillow, and my heart began to crack, each fissure deeper than the one before it.

* Riley *

I couldn’t stay in the house, not with Tiff forty feet away. Otto and I went for a drive, but the weather became so crappy, I could barely see thirty feet in front of me.

I didn’t want to go home. My head was all screwed up. Tiff kept a secret from me. Yeah, I’d done worse, far worse. I’d lived a lie for seven fucking years. The whole mess illustrated how our relationship wasn’t nearly as solid as I’d pretended it was.

And I had been pretending, trying to see stuff that wasn’t there, because I didn’t want to see what was.

I’d seen the horror tonight in her eyes. She’d stared at me as if I were a stranger, and she didn’t know the half of it. How would she look at me if she knew everything? Could someone like Tiff, who’d been coddled and adored, understand the unimaginable life of growing up with a drug addict mother? I didn’t think she could, which was why I’d let her go. If she’d stayed, we’d have had sex and pretended nothing happened, just as we’d been doing for weeks. I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t live the lies anymore. This was who I was. Damaged goods and all. I might possibly be more damaged than she’d ever been, and now she knew the truth.

If you loved me, you would tell me.

What the fuck did I know about love? Obviously, not a damn fucking thing. And look at the woman I’d learned about love from. No wonder. I wasn’t capable. I had to get away. Think this through. Figure out if Tiff had been an illusion all along, and whether or not I was truly in love with the woman behind the mask, and I believed she could love me with all my gaping wounds.

I’d never questioned my love for her before, but now nothing made sense.

I drove home, packed a few things for Otto and me, and headed to the ski lodge. I’d ski my ass off and forget about this shit. I’d clear my head in the cool mountain air.

I spent the weekend either wasted in the condo or attempting to kill myself on the slopes by skiing too fast and taking too many risks. Otto stood guard over me when he could. His brow furrowed and his dark eyes full of concern.

Sunday, I sobered up and drove back to Seattle. I still couldn’t go home, so I went to Uncle Coop’s house. He was on a road trip, but Izzy and middle sister Bella were there, along with Connor. He ran to me and launched himself into my arms, driving me backward a few steps before I gained my balance. I raised the wriggling little boy in my arms and spun him around while he laughed hysterically.

Izzy and Bella gaped at me. I ran my hand through my unkempt hair and offered them an apologetic smile.

“Want a beer?” Bella asked. That was pretty much her cure for whatever ailed you.

I shook my head, my stomach rolling at the mention of alcohol. “Water, please?”

Bella spiked a brow, narrowed her eyes, and dissected me with her gaze. I set Connor on the floor and accepted the water she offered me.

“Have a seat, Ry.” Izzy’s shrewd gaze also assessed me, not missing a thing.

I slid onto the bench in the breakfast nook and stared out at the murky waters of Puget Sound. Izzy sat across from me, and Bella leaned up against the wall, watching us but not saying much, unusual for Bella, since she liked to offer her opinion, requested or not.

Otto sank to the floor with a heavy sigh as if to say, “You watch him now, I’ve done my share this weekend. I’m taking a nap.”

“Are you hungry?” Izzy asked, since I was always hungry.

I shook my head, and the two sisters exchanged looks.

“You look worse than something Coop’s cat would’ve dragged in, and that’s after he eviscerated and beheaded it.” Bella’s wicked grin toyed with me. I knew her well enough to recognize her methods. She intended to prod me out of this funk by giving me shit.

I groaned. “Thanks for that visual, Bella.”

“My pleasure.”

Izzy frowned, taking in my hair, my stubble, and my wrinkled clothes. “Slept in your clothes, I see.”

I still had the presence of mind to be embarrassed. I’d been stupid to come here knowing Uncle Coop was gone, yet I needed to talk, and these women would squeeze it out of me eventually. Resistance was not an option with either of them.

“Where’s Tiff?” Izzy asked, a valid question since we’d been joined at the hip for the past few months.

“She’s home, I guess.” I shrugged and took another swig of water.

“Uh-oh,” Bella said.

Izzy shot her an Izzy death glare. “Riley, did you two break up?”

“Yeah, I guess. Sorta.” Oh God. My throat closed up, my eyes burned, and I didn’t dare speak another word because it would come out as a blubbering sob if I did. I was not going to cry. Damn it.

“Oh, Riley, I’m so sorry. I was rooting for you guys.” Izzy reached across and patted my hand.

I nodded, unable to answer her for fear of embarrassing myself.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head.

The two sisters exchanged quick glances again.

“The hockey game’s on in a few. Want to watch it with us?”

I nodded, grateful for a reason to stay and not have to converse. Three hours later, the Sockeyes had won, and I was feeling better. I’d eaten some of Izzy’s baked chicken and regained control of my emotions.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Izzy asked, switching off the television and leaning back on the couch. Bella sipped her wine and watched quietly.

“My moth—Julie found me, and Tiff was with me. She didn’t know about her. She thought she was dead.”

“What did Julie want?”

“Money. I sent her away, but the damage was done.”

“You had a fight,” Bella said.

“Yeah, we had a fight. Tiff wanted to know all about her, and I didn’t want to talk about it. She told me I’d talk about it if I loved her.” My throat constricted, and I swallowed. “I’ll take that beer now.”

“And that was it?” Izzy asked as Bella rushed to get the beer along with one for herself.

“Yeah. That was it.”

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?” Bella said.

I looked at both of these women, took in their concerned expressions, and realized they both loved me for me with all my flaws and weaknesses and oddities. They loved me. Tiff couldn’t love me because she didn’t know the real me. She only knew the person I’d wanted her to see, the strong, quiet guy who was always there for her and had a great family behind him. “I don’t think our relationship could survive it.”

“You didn’t give her a chance,” Izzy pointed out.

“And you insulted her by assuming she couldn’t love you for you,” Bella added.

“I—I—”

“And you’re wrong, Riley Black. Your childhood doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a strong person. A survivor. A guy who’ll be there during not just the good stuff, but all the storms life might throw at you.” Izzy crossed her arms over her chest, tapping her fingernails on the table. She knew I hated that.

“You were there for Tiff during high school, but now you’re denying her the opportunity to be here for you when you need a shoulder,” Bella added, and nodded at Izzy with a smug smile; Izzy grinned back. They were tag-teaming me.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Riley, love is never easy. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Other times it’s as beautiful as a sunset. You take the good with the bad and just keep going. If you love her, and she loves you, then love will find a way.”

They were getting too girlie for me, even if they spoke the truth. I stood, eager to leave, but grateful for some stuff to ponder. Otto rushed to my side and licked my hand.

I hugged them both good-bye, and Otto and I drove off into the night.