Chapter 10—Tangled in the Past

* Tiff *

 

The funny thing about fleeing from the past is that it follows you no matter where you go. For the first time since I’d fled Washington over two years ago, I wanted to heal. Really, truly heal. Not just surface shit to make everyone around me feel better while I felt like a fraud and a liar. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to love, to give someone my heart and my trust. Yet I didn’t know if I had the strength to open up old wounds, to see them bared and bleeding, to feel the agony of those tragic memories, to relive the deaths of my best friends and classmates at the hand of my boyfriend. I didn’t know if I could get beyond associating Riley with those moments, seeing the astonishment and fear in his eyes, seeing him dive for Gina and me, while successive shots sounded and the smell of gunpowder mixed with the awful iron-laced scent of blood. Riley was tangled tightly in the worst memory of my life. If this was to work, I needed to untangle the mess and separate the man Riley had become from the boy who saved me on that tragic day.

I had to try.

But not for me.

For Riley.

Because I had loved him once, and I probably still did. And because I wanted to be the girl who deserved his love.

Right now, I wasn’t that girl, and I didn’t know if I ever could be. Now I understood: it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, despite how corny it sounded.

I stared at myself in the full-length mirror in Alisa’s room, turning this way and that to make sure the simple rose-colored dress showed my figure off to its advantage. I had a cute figure, so I’d been told, and I worked at it. Riding powerful dressage horses outweighing me twelve to one was hard work, even though most people didn’t realize it. Even the twenty minutes of grooming I gave Dex twice a day was as good an upper-body workout as most people got at the gym. I was slender and petite with shapely legs muscled from a lifetime of riding horses.

I brushed my long blond hair until it gleamed and curled it so it hung down my back and framed my face in golden ringlets.

“You’re going to knock his socks off, along with his boxers and every other stitch of clothing he has,” Alisa said from the doorway.

Wayne stood behind her, wearing his smudged, geeky glasses. He was grinning. “You are so lucky,” he said enviously. “Riley is so hot.”

Riley was hot. Teenage Riley had been cute, but Riley in his twenties was hot, masculine, and drool-worthy. Even as a messed-up teenager, I’d fantasized how it would feel to kiss him, touch him, get naked, and feel him deep inside me. We’d shared only one night, but it’d been so incredibly epic, I’d known at the time I didn’t dare stick around, or I’d be ruined for life.

Riley had been that good.

“He’s going to pass out when he sees you in that dress.”

I shot Alisa a puzzled glance.

“In a good way,” she hurried to add. “A very good way. That boy will never be the same again.”

That boy had turned into a man I wanted in the worst way despite my claims to the contrary. I adjusted the neckline of my dress, worried it showed too much cleavage. Both Wayne and Alisa groaned.

“Pull it down farther. Don’t pull it up. Good Lord, woman, you need to get laid so you won’t be so uptight.”

“I am not getting laid tonight.”

“How about tomorrow night? Then I can live vicariously through you.” Wayne winked at me and elbowed Alisa. The two of them were unbearable at times.

“I’m not sleeping with Riley. I’m only going out with him because he wore me down.”

“Maybe, but only because you secretly wanted him to,” Alisa said.

A knock on the door rescued me. One last glance in the mirror. I looked so good I barely recognized myself. Riley’s tongue would be hanging out.

Ignoring the butterflies waging a war in my stomach, I walked slowly to the door and opened it.

Riley’s tongue wasn’t the one hanging out. Mine was. He looked incredible. Absolutely incredible. He wore a crisp dark blue shirt, black slacks, and a black suit jacket that looked as though it was custom made. Knowing the amount of money his uncle made, it probably was.

His gaze roamed down my body and back up, slowly and deliberately. “You look amazing.” His blue eyes sparkled.

“So do you.” An understatement if there ever was one. He looked good enough to lick all over. I salivated at the thought. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could learn to trust a man again and give my heart to him. Maybe Riley really was the right guy. If he wasn’t, I didn’t know who could be.

“Then we make a good pair.” He reached for my hand, wrapping his long fingers around mine. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.” I returned his smile with a genuine one of my own. It felt good to smile again, truly smile.

I glanced behind me as I grabbed my purse. Wayne and Alisa watched from the living room, both grinning. I grinned back, turned to Riley, and we went out the door hand in hand.

“You’re spoiled,” I said as I settled into the rich leather seats of his Mercedes SUV.

His smile faded and his eyes clouded over. “Not really.” He started the SUV and drove away from the curb. “I’m just well loved.” The smile and the sparkle came back as if they’d never left.

I breathed a sigh of relief, not certain if I’d hit a nerve or imagined his distress.

“Do you still love seafood?”

“Of course.”

“Good.”

He drove us to a nice little restaurant on Lake Washington. Everything was white tablecloths, linen napkins, and soft lighting. We were led to a semiprivate table for two behind a couple of huge potted plants and right next to large expanse of window. The view was breathtaking. You could even catch a glimpse of the Space Needle and the Seattle skyline across the lake.

“So what do you think?” Riley asked, fidgeting with the cloth napkin and adorably nervous.

“I think it’s really nice.” I stared at the one-page menu on fancy paper. None of the items had prices. Riley was spoiled. He didn’t bat an eye at any of this. Once upon a time, I’d been spoiled, too. My life had revolved around shopping excursions to Nordstrom, cheerleading practice, and giggling when a cute boy looked my way. Thinking back, it was hard to believe I’d ever lived such a shallow life and how everything had changed in a manner of seconds.

Riley held a penny out to me. “For your thoughts.”

I smiled up at him, and he grinned back. “I’m just thinking how quickly things can change and how long they can stay the same.”

He nodded, completely understanding my cryptic statement, one of the things that made Riley special. He got me, and he understood where I was coming from because we’d shared our biggest life-changing experience.

“Do you ever think about them?” I actually had the guts to ask.

He didn’t need to clarify who “them” was. “Yeah, I do. I wonder who they’d be and what they’d be doing with their lives. I even wonder about Jacob. He had the world at his feet and chose a dark path.”

I nodded, surprised I was able to discuss this. “And he chose to kill people. Now he’s staring at the same four walls every day with very little human interaction and all the time in the world to think about what he did.”

“Do you ever hear from him?”

“Oh, God, no.” I clutched my hands to my chest. “He can’t contact me. There’s a protection order.”

Riley nodded grimly.

“He wasn’t a bad person, just spoiled and used to getting his way. He didn’t know how to cope when things went poorly for him.”

“Like getting kicked off the team and you breaking up with him?”

“Yeah, like that.”

“Why did you? The two of you seemed joined at the hip.”

“Until we weren’t.” I laughed a little too bitterly and drew a pensive frown from Riley. “He started to get weirdly possessive. Didn’t want me to wear my cheerleader uniform because the skirt was too short and it gave other guys ideas. He became verbally abusive and almost hit me on more than one occasion. I didn’t need that. Besides, I was interested in someone else.” I didn’t add that I’d already developed a bit of a crush on Riley by then, but Riley had barely noticed me. He was too busy drooling over my friend Gina. I never told him why I broke up with Jacob. He’d probably take the guilt of the entire shooting on his broad shoulders. That paralyzing guilt was my cross to bear.

He held my hand in his, leaned across the table, and lowered his voice. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know, but try to tell that to my overactive conscience.” I’d carried the burden so long it’d become a part of me. In theory, I knew he was right. In practice, I couldn’t shed the responsibility so easily, even after years of counseling.

He studied my hand, and he drew small circles on my palm with his thumb. A shiver slid through my body, and he raised his blue eyes to mine. They smoldered with heat, the kind of desire that’s a slow burn building up to any all-consuming wildfire. Riley wanted me, and I wanted him. The wetness between my legs backed up how much, along with the puckering ache in my nipples.

“Riley.” His name came out in a hoarse plea for something I couldn’t articulate, not that I needed to. He knew.

“Tiffani, I know.” He leaned closer. The scent of the wine on his breath mixed with a faint hint of aftershave and made for a potent aphrodisiac. He touched my cheek with reverence, and an involuntary shudder shook my body. His eyes burned into mine until his gaze dropped and lingered on my lips before sliding lower to my cleavage. My body strained toward him of its own accord. I was weary of fighting the magnetic pull of his pure maleness.

Reaching up, I brushed back a lock of unruly hair falling across his forehead. “I want you, too, Ry.”

He nodded, as if he’d expected my answer.

“I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“I want it to be the right time. The perfect time. I’ve waited three years for you to come back. I can wait a little longer.”

I wanted to say I couldn’t wait. His intoxicating nearness and the wine had bolstered my courage. I’d rather give in now before I overthought the entire situation and ran like hell.

“Riley, I—”

He shook his head and held my chin between his thumb and index finger. “Later.”

I squirmed under his intense gaze. Was he torturing me for all the times he’d wanted me, and I’d pretended he didn’t exist or only existed as a friend? If he only knew how much I’d lusted after him over the years. The few guys I’d been with since leaving Seattle couldn’t measure up, and it’d been his face I’d imagined, not theirs.

The waiter delivered dinner, and Riley leaned back in his chair with a frustrated grunt.

“Is there a problem, sir?” the waiter asked.

“No, nothing you can solve.”

The waiter hesitated, then decided against asking any more questions. “If there’s anything else?”

“Nothing, thanks.” Riley winked at me as the waiter walked away. “Everything’s perfect.”

I nodded, allowing myself to believe, if only for a moment, things would all work out, because without hope, I had nothing.

I stared down at my plate and lifted the fork to my mouth, savoring the rich flavors. The fresh salmon prepared to perfection tasted heavenly. We’d ordered the same thing and grinned at each other.

“Incredible,” I said, chewing slowly, my gaze locked onto his.

“Yeah, fucking incredible.” His eyes lasered into mine, giving me the impression he wasn’t referring to the salmon.

Guess what? Neither was I.

 

* Riley *

 

Dinner out with Tiff, our first date, had me on pins and needles. I strove to make sure we’d have more dates after this one. I pulled out all the stops, including a fancy restaurant with the best seafood around. Tiff and I shared a love of seafood, and I’d wanted this night to be so memorable, she wouldn’t be able to turn down a second date—and a third. But I was getting ahead of myself, and greed would get me in trouble.

We made small talk as we ate. Nothing serious. We talked about our classes, the football team, my uncle’s hockey team. Stuff that never went too deep or was too troublesome. I didn’t want to scare her off.

Tiff wanted me. She’d said so herself. God knew I wanted her in the worst way, but I wasn’t going to jump in bed with her on the first date, even if she wanted that. I couldn’t stand the thought of being her biggest regret. The time had to be right. We couldn’t do this to prove a point or because lust ruled reason. We had to do it because we cared about each other. I’d had enough shallow fucks in the past few years, and Tiff wasn’t going to be one of them.

Once I had her, there’d be no going back, only forward.

She’d see how good we could be together, and we’d seal our love with the physical piece. Until then, I’d control my lust no matter how fucking hard it was.

I loved her. And she needed to admit she loved me, too, before we got naked. I wanted us to purge a tragic past and for our love to be a catalyst for a bright future. Until we cleared those hurdles together, I wasn’t taking our relationship to the next level, because I was scared shitless there would be no next level.

The abstinence would kill me, but I could do it. I was certain I could.

After dinner and dessert, we bundled up and walked the docks. I held her hand in mine, reveling in how natural her touch felt. She pointed out an extremely large yacht at the end of one pier. “Would you ever want something that big?”

I laughed. “Nah, I don’t think my ego is so large I’d need something like that.”

She turned to face me. “You don’t have an ego, Riley Black.”

“Oh, but I do. You just don’t see that side of me the way others do.”

“I see you as a good person who’s struggling to make sense of the world, just like I am.” She regarded me through the veil of her lowered lashes. “How do you see me, Riley?”

I moved closer to her, putting my hands on her thin shoulders, and pondered how best to answer her question without giving away too much too soon. “I see you as a beautiful person inside and out, as a sensitive soul who suffers the pain of others—human and furry.”

She giggled. “Furry humans?”

I laughed, too, and got lost in those doe eyes of hers while I basked in her warmth. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close, unable to resist. I slanted my mouth across hers, feeling the first wave of desire ripple through me as our lips touched. She slipped her tongue inside my mouth with an eagerness that gave me hope and took me prisoner. The kiss bound us together, made me her slave, while I, a mere mortal, worshipped at the altar of her body. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her sweet little body into mine. She rubbed against me, and I released a ragged groan of pure male longing. Her eyes darkened and sparkled with mischief. She ground her belly against my erection, enticing me, torturing me, almost bringing me to my knees. I fought to resist her, not sure I was strong enough.

Pushing her away gently, I panted and struggled for control. I was raw and on the edge. I could have her tonight if I wanted her, but it’d just be sex. Our first time had to be more. It had to be epic, all-consuming, unequaled. I’d settle for nothing less.

Tiff gazed up at me with glazed eyes and slightly open lips. She ran her hands downward and rested her palms on my chest. The heat burned her brand onto my skin and deeper onto my heart.

“You want me.” Her heavy-lidded gaze and sultry voice went right to my dick, which had hardened painfully. And, oh, what a sweet pain it was.

“I do.”

She laughed softly and leaned into me, rubbing that sweet body against the bulge in my pants once more.

“Tiff, please,” I ground out through gritted teeth.

“Sorry, it’s the wine.” Her face colored, and she ducked her head. I put a finger under her chin and lifted her face so she had to look at me.

“It’s not just the wine. It’s you and me. Together. I want to fuck you. All night long. But that’s the problem. Not just one night. Every night. If I can’t have all of you forever, I don’t want just a piece of you.”

Her brow furrowed and she frowned. “What if a piece is all I can give you, Riley?”

I shook my head. There had to be more. There had to be. I’d come too far to fail now. Her pitying expression crushed my heart until I swore I heard a distinctive crack. I fought defeat. I would not give up. Tiff was mine. She always had been. She always would be. Patience and time would prove it.

“There’s more. I know there is.”

“I don’t know, Riley. I really don’t.”

“We’ll find out together.”

She studied me skeptically but nodded, lifting some of the fear strangling me. “I’ll try. That’s all I can promise.”

“One day at a time.”

“Because you want all of me?” She managed a smile. “I had no idea you were such a romantic soul, Riley.”

I smiled back. “Nor did I. I must get it from my Uncle Coop.”

We shared a good laugh over that one, and our mood lightened. Uncle Coop was anything but romantic.

“We both have an early class tomorrow. Maybe you should take me home.”

“You know my schedule?” I teased, surprised to see her blush. She did know my schedule. A smug smile crossed my face.

“I need to go home,” she insisted.

I nodded reluctantly and kissed her again, a long, passionate, lingering kiss that celebrated today and promised tomorrows.

Tiff was my forever love, even if she didn’t know it yet.