The next day went by in delusion, suspicion, and overthinking. Cody came directly back to his dorm room after meeting Drake. His mind was perplexed about Max and his so-called cousin, Max’s changing behavior, and all kinds of negativity seeped into his mind. His heart was full, pounding, yet filling with dark thoughts. The evening was spent staring at his laptop screen, waiting for Max to come online. His heart buzzed as though thousands of millipedes were slithering inside.

Unwanted, but at the same time, his eyes looked for Drake too. Cody’s heart always ached for the warmth offered by Drake and his words. His aura was so healing, soothing but devastating too. The clock’s arms were moving around the dial but time was standing still for Cody. He couldn’t understand what kind of magic he was facing. Enjoying this or not, he couldn’t even judge how he felt. His heart both melted and cried at the same time, his tongue tingled and taste soured, limbs trembling, and his mind full of thoughts.

Cody wished his fears wouldn’t turn out to be true. He knew what his life would be like without Max. Tears rolled down his cheeks, anticipating his heart’s yearning, all his pessimistic emotions rising. While waiting for Max, his fingers scribbled something on the paper, his heart bleeding with confusion.

My innocent heart

Doesn’t listen to me nowadays

It talks of itself, and all the pessimism

Compels me to follow it

Oh! My love! Defy it,

Defy me

 

Cody read it quite a few times. Before he could add another line, a ping chime coming from the laptop caught his attention. Switching windows, he stared at his Facebook. Max was online. But not on the webcam… a smile came to his lips, Cody asked about his wellbeing. Max was offline for ten minutes until he returned and sent a few kissing, smooching, and blowing GIFs. Cody smiled. ‘Is he drunk?’

But who could reply honestly?

Cody: “Let’s have a webcam chat.”

Max: “You will blow me, right?”

Cody: “Not today. I will kiss you.”

Max: “Then leave it.”

Cody: “Please.” Cody had never pleaded for this before. His heart lurched on having to ask his boyfriend. He had rights on him, didn’t he? Were those rights gone today?

Max: “I can think.”

Cody: “… I am waiting…”

With a blink, Max called him on Skype, the green cam button flagged for a moment until Cody accepted hurriedly. He smiled but it soon faded. A glass full of whiskey, Max’s drunk, bloodshot eyes, and he was lying nude on a bed. Though a pillow covered his genitals, everything told what kind of night he was having.

Suddenly, Cody’s heart shuddered, lurched, ached, and filled with disgust. Suddenly he disliked, hated, and abhorred Max. Staring at the naked body full of whiskey and lust, Cody thought how this was the guy for whom he was crying day and night. He didn’t know his love for Max would evaporate so soon, and in such a situation.

While Cody’s eyes were glancing at naked Max, who once was like a Greek god to him, music buzzed at the other side of the room and at same time, Max’s so-called cousin, jumped on the bed, naked holding his own glass of whiskey. His head landed directly on the pillow kept against Max’s groin and they giggled. Perhaps Max’s erect dick pressed against it and a sweet ache spread into their bodies. Their messed up hair, sweaty bodies, and the tuning between them, showed their fresh partaken sex.

Cody’s heart puked on seeing the face of Max’s ‘cousin’, his mind full of wrath, eyes choked with fire, and fingers trembling in anger. Max’s ‘cousin’ was no one but the guy from the club who tried to abuse him, physically, brutally, and with no regrets. ‘Max knew who he was all the time?’ His head ached and he lowered it into his palms. So many questions rose, which needed to be answered immediately.

How life played with a pure soul!

Cody knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life. Max turned out to be a real bastard in his life. He tried talking to him for a moment, tried to find out how much Max loved him, or even if he ever had.

Max only replied, “As long as my dick can go inside of your ass!” It was gross for Cody to hear. ‘Ugly lying bastard! Fuck it!’ His heart screamed but lips were pursed, tightly shut.

Cody had made his heart understand he would make Max his by loving him. Cody had done his best to make Max his. ‘Sometimes in a lifetime, every man will trip. Every man will sleep around until they find their one and only. There is nothing wrong with that. Max hasn’t committed in any of his relationships yet. I can still try to make him mine.’

 

Give me, a chance,

I will hide you in my eyelashes

I will bead you in my breath

I know you are not blemished

I am innocent too

Who is to blame?

 

The night was darker than the devil’s heart, and delusional as witches’ spells. Holding his heart softly, Cody slept, although sleep did not show in his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry anymore. He didn’t want to overthink. His overall thoughts were coming true. He forced his mind to be silent and soon sleep engulfed his dreams.

The next morning was equally colorless, faded, Cody lost his mojo, his charm, no smile on his lips, nor did he try and force it to return. Dragging on simple jeans, t-shirt and a jacket to shield him from the cold, he walked up towards the college, under his own steam. When Cody reached the college gates, he sensed something strange. Looking around, he found Max in his car. But… his so-called cousin, ‘that motherfucking bastard abuser donkey ball-sucker’, too and they were kissing on the driver’s seat. It seemed the ‘cousin’ came to drop Max in his underwear and dressing gown. The lust and bonding between them was a doubled-edged sword.

Cody froze in his place. His zeal to fight back died. His fondness for Max completely faded. Someone placed a hand on his right shoulder, robotically his head turned and he saw it was Joseph. He didn’t smile but Joe reciprocated sadly. “His ex boyfriend…” Joe muttered.

This was not a total shock to Cody. “But what the fucking ex is he doing here?” He screamed. ‘Everyone has a past. What if Max’s past wasn’t over?’ He never asked Max about anyone in his past life. “But the ex should be gone because I was supposed to be Max’s present and future.”

“He lives in France and comes regularly to meet Max…” Joe added the unnecessary information. Cody didn’t need it. “I am getting late for class…” and Joe left him.

Cody already absorbed enough information through his eyes, and more was oozing from his brain. His skull whistled like a cooker. His so-called love and abuser were together in the tin shed, kissing moronically like lust-burned kids. For some time Cody watched them from the other side of the road. His eyes full of tears. He couldn’t believe Max was a bastard cheater… or… or just a bastard player. His heart didn’t accept Max going without a fight. He ran up to the car in the damn busy road, dodging among the speeding cars. And stopped by Max’s side window. He banged with his fist attracting their attention and Max sneered at him with the ugliest face. Showing the middle finger, Max gestured for him to go away, but Cody opened the back door and sat firmly on the seat.

Max in his utmost furious temper, raised his hands in the air, showing his distress, but Cody stayed glued in his place. Max kept hissing, abusing, cursing, and demanding Cody get out of the car and out of his life. But Cody was incensed. He resisted all Max’s efforts and didn’t move an inch. He wanted to yell and shout back, but his lips were pursed shut. Max’s partner, turned, “You wanna join us? We can have a threesome,”

“Better you shut your mouth.” Cody hissed. “You fucking donkey.”

“Chris. My name is Chris. And I am Max’s mate. We have been enjoying our life for hmm… a decade or more… together.” Chris cleared everything for Cody. All the blurriness scattered away. Sighing deeply, Cody collapsed in the back seat. His mind closed down for a moment as if he was hit by a truck, but his eyes remained dry. He stared into the void until Max dragged him out of the car and made him stand on the roadside. Cody ran up behind him and took hold of Max’s leg, but the sturdy bastard kicked hard, and threw Cody down on the curb.

Cody sat there weeping until the evening. Sun, rain, dusk, everything passed him by that day, soaking and making him dry one after the other. His tears flowed nonstop. Sobbing, clutching his legs to his chest, rocking back and forth, Cody’s mind kept running to all the places Max and he went together, all the beautiful words Max had spouted were echoing in his mind, his kisses on Cody’s cheeks still wet. The sun went down in the west and Cody gained some consciousness, courage to walk out among the crowd. His eyes averted, unable to make eye contact with anyone. Gloominess, depression, suicidal thoughts, everything clouded him. He walked up to his room, half wet, half dry, holding his college bag, eyes full of tears.

The apartment was empty, perhaps Joe was out partying.

His heart was empty, because it was lost in the rush.