“Mum, tell me what’s going on?” Her striking blue eyes are filled with tears. Something’s not right. This feels all wrong. My chest restricts painfully in my chest making it difficult to breathe.
“Kierra, baby girl. I’m so sorry.” Confusion settles in my mind, heavily weighing down on what I’ve just overheard.
“Sorry about what?”
“The doctor… I was going to tell you, but things have been so busy for you. You’ve been through too much. I… I’m scared you’ll have to go through this one day, I had to get all the facts before I told you.”
“You’re not making sense, Mom. What are you talking about?”
She shakes her head sadly. My own tears blur my vision and I take in the woman I’ve known all my life. Her strength is the only thing that got me through my teenage years. She’s been my pillar, my rock. But seeing her so broken, so torn apart has my fears skyrocketing.
“I’m dying, Kiki. They’ve confirmed the cancer. It’s spread too far. Stage four.” The room spins. My head swirls. My vision blurs. I’m not sure who’s screaming. I think it’s me. It’s a sob so loud, so filled with pain that it physically hurts. As if it’s stabbing my chest.
A sharp blade. Her words are muffled. I can’t hear anything. It feels as if my ears are blocked. There are arms around me. Strong arms. Pulling me into an embrace.
It should soothe me. It should calm me. But it doesn’t.
There’s that noise again. A screech drenched in agony.
Dying. Dying. Sick. Sick.
No. It can’t be. She can’t be. My mother. My rock. I can’t.
“Kiki… Kiki…” My name. Someone’s calling me but the pain is too much. My breathing is uneven, difficult. I can’t.
“Kierra!” Jolting up, I find the affectionate gaze of Ryan. “Baby, look at me,” he pleads and I do. Wrapping me in his arms, I settle with the lingering pain of the nightmare still so fresh in my mind. I lost her. She’s never coming back. Tears burn my eyes. “You’re safe. I’m right here, Ki.” The deep tone of Ryan’s voice is enough to calm the ache, the fear that overrides my mind.
“My mom… She’s…” I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.
“Kierra.” He cups my face, making me look at him. “You’re not alone. Since the moment I saw you, I was yours. We lost our way a few times in between but I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
His promise is endearing. Honest and raw. After all the time we’ve been together, those times we’ve spent in the same house, this is something different.
I didn’t want to believe it before. But there’s no denying it now. He knows where I come from, why I kept him at an arms distance. The truth that now lies between us is more than I could ever ask.
“Ryan, I’m scared.” For me to admit that takes a lot. Not because I’m proud, but because I think if I do admit it, perhaps my worst fears will come true. And the last thing I want is for that to happen.
“It’s okay to be scared, baby. You can’t be strong all the time. That’s not how life works. And when you’re scared, I’ll be there to hold you and take those fears away. Don’t ever hide how you feel from me.” He implores me with those dark eyes that sear me. Burning down my walls and finding the scared girl beneath. The one who hid away when her mother died. The one who put on the fake smile and made her way across the world to live her dream. That’s the girl I want to say goodbye to because I’m no longer her, I’m a grown woman.
Most of my adult life I spent afraid. Too scared to let anyone in. So, when I knew I’d fallen for Ryan, I pushed him away. I told him we were friends, nothing more because I couldn’t see the day he walked out of my life. Now, as he sits here cradling me in his strong arms, promising me he’s not going anywhere, for the first time in a very long time, I allow myself to believe. To cry. To expel all the fear, pain, and worry.
“I’m here, Kiki, if you need to cry then do it. Break down if you must, but know I’ll always keep you safe. You’re mine. Always.” He promises again. I think he has it in his mind that if he tells me enough times I’ll one day believe it, but he doesn’t need to, because I do.
“I’m yours.” I murmur. “As soon as I know what the results are, I’d like to go home. I was also thinking of asking my dad if he’d like to come with us.” I tell him honestly. I’ve missed having Dad close by, spending time on long phone calls to him has been difficult because I never want to say goodbye, but if he’s willing, I’m sure we’d be able to get him across the ocean. My Dad hated the last two flights he took to visit me. He always says people weren’t meant to fly which makes me giggle.
“Then you should ask him. I’m sure he’d want to be close to you again. Do you think he would?” Ryan asks quietly, his lips on my cheek.
“He mentioned that he’d like to move, but with us needing to plan a wedding, and your new tour, I’d like to have him there. He’ll love being close to the ocean, since he grew up in a seaside town. There’s no doubt that he’ll make friends. You’ve seen him when he visited.” My response earns me a chuckle.
The memory of my dad and the way he’d just walk out onto the sidewalk and find someone to chat to makes me smile. He’s always been like that. Everywhere we went, it was always my dad who’d come home with a contact, or connection for someone he’d just met. Whether they’re travelers or just local contacts, he was the most outgoing of the two brothers. My uncle on the other hand, he was always a recluse. When he passed away, there were a handful of the people he’d known at his funeral, including family.
“Then we’ll take him with us. If he’s not ready to go yet, I’m sure Cal wouldn’t mind getting Demitri to fly out.” Nodding, I turn to face the man I love.
“Thank you for taking my fears and making them your own.”
“I’ll always do that, baby. I promise.” And as he tells me that, I know it’s true.