I sigh as I step into the house I used to call home—the place I grew up in. Nothing’s changed and the memories of what I went through flood my mind. I wish I was happy to be back, but the reason I’m here doesn’t bring me joy. As soon as the door shuts, I hear dad. “Baby girl? Is that you?” He comes bounding into the hallway. He’d offered to pick me up at the airport, but I know how long the drive is and I don’t want him sitting in the car for that long. His health hasn’t been the best, so I’d rather know he was safe, so I told him not to worry. I am more than capable of getting home. “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful.” The tears in his eyes glisten and I realize me leaving home hurt him. When I flew to LA and told him I’m not coming back crushed him.
“Hey dad,” as old as I am, I’ll always be a baby to him. My heart hurts, I miss him more than I imagined I would. All I wanted was to escape. Run away from my life, and in the process cut myself off from everyone. My family.
“I’m so happy to see you.” His arms are warm, filled with love and I try not to think about why I’m here. I’ve been putting it off for too long and now is the time to decide what I want to do. The house is still the same as my dad walks me into the kitchen. “Did you have a good flight, honey?”
“Yes, I’d forgotten how long it is. What’s worse is the cab ride home, it’s about as long as the flight,” I giggle. “I’m feeling jet lagged, but I think a good night’s sleep will help.” He nods with a smile filled with love. He’s the only person who knows I’m back and I would like to keep it that way. There isn’t anyone else that I want to face and as soon as I can, I want to go back home, back to LA.
“Well, why don’t you go ahead and relax, I’ve booked a table at a new restaurant down the road, it’s got everything from burgers to sushi. I know you’re a fan.” My father hates cooking, that was always mom’s job. I remember when she first died, Dad tried making a pasta dish. It had burnt so badly—sticking to the pot. We tried to salvage some of it, but it ended up in the trash, along with the steel pot.
“That sounds good, thanks dad.”
Heading down the hallway to my old bedroom, I feel nostalgia hit and smile at the fact that it’s not changed since I left. That was the day I walked out and got on a plane, a one-way ticket, and didn’t look back. The agony of leaving behind something precious forced me to never look into the past, to never allow myself to feel the emptiness that came with what I had to do.
When you’re not given a choice in life it’s hard to come to terms with the decision. But this was life or death, so I chose life. Who in their right mind would choose death?
* * *
The restaurant is quiet, thankfully, but I can’t help glancing around. I’m not sure if Josh still lives close by, but the apartment I’d left him in is only a block away. I hope I don’t see him because after the way we left things, I can’t stomach the agony that man brings me. After the day I caught him cheating, he’d begged and pleaded for me to take him back, he went into rehab and cleaned himself up. But there was always distrust between us, I found myself second guessing everything he said.
I met with him a couple of times, mainly to allow him to take a step in his recovery to apologize to the people he hurt. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to a life with him. Like I said, I’d stepped over the line from loving him to something entirely different, and there was no going back.
Even though I knew my father was hurt and missed me, he supported my decision. He allowed his baby girl to go off into the world and make her life somewhere else. “Kierra, there’s something you should know.” When my father starts a sentence like that, my body shuts down. Because I recall the last time he said that. It was the last time I saw my mother healthy.
The cancer ate away at her slowly. It’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced and to have her deteriorate before my eyes was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
“What’s wrong dad?” My brows furrow in confusion, concern, and worry. But there’s a hint of a smile on his face and I know I’m clearly missing something.
“You know my retirement is coming up at the end of the year and I’ve decided to stop wallowing in the self-pity that’s held me prisoner for so long.” Cocking my head to the side in question, I watch my father’s eyes glisten with tears. “I’ve been thinking of possibly moving to LA, not to intrude on your life, but to be near you, if you need me. What do you think, honey?” My parents had me young, he’s only in his early fifties and he’s still healthy and strong so I don’t see why he shouldn’t do it. It would also set my mind at ease knowing he’s close by.
“I’d like that, dad. To have you nearby.” His big hand engulfs mine and he gives it a squeeze. Just then, the waiter steps up to our table.
“Can I get you drinks?” His voice echoes through every part of me and my world spins on its axis. As I drag my eyes up to his I recognize him instantly. Although, he isn’t the man I walked out on all those years ago. He’s older. He looks like he’s had a rough ten years since he said goodbye to me. “Kitty kat?” The name still makes me cold and angry.
“My name is Kierra, I’d prefer you to keep yourself professional.” I bite back my retort. The man who was a high paid lawyer has fallen so low he’s now serving me a drink. He also used to think he was better than everyone, treating people who didn’t earn what he did like trash, and now that I look at him I can’t help the satisfied smirk that curls my lips.
“Of course, Kierra. Can I get you something to drink?” There’s a certain satisfaction that comes from seeing someone who’s ripped you apart groveling. Does this make me a bad person? Yes, probably. But damn it feels good.
“I’ll have a Chardonnay, please.” Glancing at my dad, I notice him staring a little too intently at the menu and I know he’s trying not to laugh. My dad was about to go and kill Josh when I told him that he’d cheated on me. So, no love lost there really.
“Bring me a whiskey on the rocks.” My dad rumbles. When we’re alone, he looks at me earnestly. “I didn’t realize he worked here, I’m sorry honey. It’s the first time I’ve been in here and if I’d known that asshat worked here—”
“It’s okay, Dad. I can handle him. Besides, I’ve moved on.” I tell him with a smile, only to earn one back.
“Have you met someone?” The question I’ve been waiting for comes and I nod. I might as well tell him about Ryan.
“There has been someone. I mean, we’re not dating yet. But…” I trail off not sure how to explain it. Josh returns and my words taper off as he places our drinks on the table.
“Are you ready to order?” He questions and I can’t help looking at him again. He’s so much older than I remember. Time hasn’t been on his side and deep down, I want to smile because of what he did to me, but on the other hand I can’t bring myself to care. I’ve moved on, my life is so much better without him in it. Realization hits me then and there that finding him in bed with two women was a blessing. It gave me the final push to live my life and find what makes me happy.
“I’ll have the salmon and tuna sushi platter, bring extra soy sauce as well,” my voice is confident, not the same shy girl he remembers and his stare is as intense as the heat on a hot summers day. He nods, making a note on the pad of paper, then turns his attention to my father and waits.
“I’ll have the Porterhouse steak, rare, with salad. Oh, and add fries to that,” Dad says in a gruff tone. Josh nods and makes a note. Once we’re alone, I know the inquisition is going to start. “So, tell me about this man?” My dad offers his loving smile and I can’t help the blush that heats my cheeks when I remember Ryan’s grin, his kiss, and those soulful eyes.
“It’s Ryan, the keyboardist for the band, you remember last summer when you visited?” He nods, “It’s been a long time coming, Dad.” There are so many things I can tell my father about the man who holds my heart, but there’s one thing I know will impress him. “He cares for me, Dad, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. He’s respectful and he’s never ever pushed me more than I wanted to give.”
“When I was there, even for the short time I spent around you, I can see the way you both look at each other. It’s different to how you are with Callum and Liam. It’s okay, honey. You love him, I know.” He smiles and I nod.
I do. I love Ryan Callahan more than anything. And once this is over, I’ll go back and I’ll finally tell him how much I love him. “So much, Dad. I just hope he can give me a chance to explain why I had to come home. It’s not easy, and I haven’t told him the real reason for this trip. I lied and I feel terrible about it.” My confession halts and my dad sits back regarding me earnestly.
“Look, honey, there are times we omit to tell those we love something to keep from hurting them. I think you should have told him, maybe it would have given you an insight into his feelings. But, it’s done now, and if he loves you as much as you do him, then I’m sure he’ll see why you lied and forgive you.”
“I know, but, deep down I know he would’ve wanted to be here with me. Supporting me through this, but I didn’t want him to see me in the hospital, going through the tests and having doctors prod at me. I’ve put this off for too long. The moment I realized how I felt about him, I knew I had to come home and finish what I started all those years ago.”
Silence hangs in the air, but it’s not uncomfortable. I know my father and he’s digesting what I’ve just told him. When he sits forward, leaning his elbows on the table, he regards me with a gentle smile. “Then finish it and go to him. No time like the present.” With that the conversation moves to lighter topics and I feel myself breathe again. My heart still aches knowing what lies ahead of me for the next few weeks.