It’s been three weeks since I stepped on a plane and left him in LA, three long weeks of test, doctor’s visits, and CT scans, all of which Ryan doesn’t know about. With an important appointment coming up, one that tells me what my future holds, I’m not sure I can come clean with Ryan yet.
I’m frozen in place, shock coursing through me. What is he doing here? I watch him walk away. Even though I should stop him I don’t because I’m scared to tell him I’m half a woman. That I may not be able to give him children if ever we did get together and he wanted to spend forever with me. How do you tell that to a man you love?
“You should go.” I turn to Josh who’s been calling the house since he saw me that the restaurant. I’ve refused him almost every day, and of course, the day he shows up uninvited, is the same day Ryan walks in on him trying to kiss me. “I don’t want you here, you’ve fucked my life up once before, I won’t allow you to do it again.” His face is one of anguish, but I don’t care. He brought this on himself. When he walks away I feel nothing. The one man who took my heart when he left is gone. The car he climbed into is gone and it’s taken me along with it.
I know without Ryan I’m a shell. He’s had my heart since the first time I saw him. He’s always been there for me and now he thinks I’ve come home for another man. When that can’t be further from the truth.
I came back here for him. To make sure I can give him a full life.
“You should go after him, baby girl. That man loves you.” My dad’s deep timber rumbles behind me and I turn to find his serious expression. Shaking my head, I turn and walk back into the house. This is a huge fuck up. He shouldn’t have come because then he’d never have found out. The test results would have been back tomorrow and I could have gone back without telling everyone what happened to me.
“I can’t tell him, dad. How can a man want me if he knows I’ll never bear children?” My dad’s warm hand on my shoulder steadies me and the compassion emanating from him stirs my emotions. Tears tumble from my eyes and the pain searing my heart for what I’ll never have rips me apart.
“Kierra, baby, listen to me.” He spins me around and as I peer up at the man who’s had to be both mother and father to me I know that he’ll always give me the best advice. “If your mother had told me that she couldn’t have children, I would still have married her. When you love someone, there’s never a doubt in your mind that you’ll want them through good and bad. That’s what real love is. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can advise you that the way that man looked at you was nothing short of admiration, love, and that’s not something you find every day.”
“Dad, I know. It’s just difficult to tell him. He’s known me for almost ten years and I’ve just never told anyone. It’s been something I’ve shied away from. That fear of people pitying me, it drives me to work harder at not showing them the real me.”
“Kierra Thorne, you’re an incredible woman. Let him see you. Remember, you can’t make the decision for him, he needs the chance to choose the real you. Give him that much, if you love him like I know you do, and I can see you do, then let Ryan decide if you’re the girl for him.” He’s right, he’s always right. Ryan has an idea of who I am and he seems to want me. Now he’ll need to learn who the real Kierra Thorne is. The question is, would he be able to accept me as I am, or will it be too much for him to handle.
“Thanks, dad. I’ll talk to him.” Swiping my wet cheeks, I glance at the man who I’ve looked up to all my life. His heart is still broken from when we lost mom, but he’s fought and got on with his life. Now it’s time for me to do the same.
“Good girl. I’m going to get dinner going, you need to go after your man.” He winks and leaves me in the living room with my heart in my hands. I’m about to do something that will change my life, I’m going to be honest with the man I love.
I should have told him years ago. The reason I kept pushing him away was only because I wasn’t sure if my health would give me a forever with him. I love him. I’ve always known it. I’ve just never had the courage to tell him. That’s about to change.
As I head out, I plant a kiss on my dad’s cheek. “Thanks for everything.” He peers up at me with similar eyes to mine.
“Honey, just remember, if he can’t accept you at your worst, he’s not good enough to get your best.” My father, ever the romantic.
“I know dad. I’m going to let him decide and if he doesn’t want to walk this line with me, then I’ll let go. It just hurts to think about that option.”
He nods, understanding painting his features. “It will hurt because you love him. It’s not an easy emotion to tamper down. Love is wild and free, it’s something that could burn you alive, but it’s also something that can keep you living.”
“He does. There’s been many days where Ryan has given me breath to live, to get through the day. I’ve just never had the courage to tell him.” Tears prick my eyes, but I blink them back. My heart hurts. I can’t lose him.
“Kierra, it’s time you tell him then. You shouldn’t be scared, let your heart guide you, but let your head keep you on the road, don’t veer off and change yourself for a man, let him accept you as you are. Give him your truth and he’ll love you more for it.”
I nod because words don’t come to me. There’s too much pain, elation, sadness, and anger swirling through me.
“I’m going to make it right.” He nods and pulls me in for a bear hug. My father always gave the best hugs. He reminds me of Liam. Strong arms that seem to hold you up when you want to fall. Liam’s been like a big brother to me most of my adult life and I wish he was here now to give me some advice on his best friend.
“Good girl. Now go get your man.”
As I rush to the car, I mull the explanation around in my mind. How I’m going to tell Ryan the truth. What Dad said made me see that I’ve always put my life on hold because of what happened to my mom. But when I stopped living, so did my dreams. I’ve always wanted a family, and when they told me I may never get that chance it felt as if I’d been cheated.
I lived with anger toward the thing that stole my mother. Cancer. The dreaded C word that no one wants to hear. So here I am, pulling on a skirt and blouse hoping to go and explain everything to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
All I can do is hope he understands and forgives me for running. That when he hears the real reason that I’m here it doesn’t scare him off. It’s not easy losing someone you love. I’ve seen my father live through it and I don’t want to put Ryan through it. But ultimately, it’s his choice.
He needs to have all the cards on the table and make a choice. I’ve had mine made for me when I was younger and it feels as if your freewill is stolen, robbed. And I shouldn’t do that to him. As I drive down the road, I hit dial on my phone, and when Ryan answers, my heart catapults into my throat.
“Hi.”
“Ryan, where are you? The Radisson Blu?” My voice us urgent, filled with fear that he’ll tell me he’s on the jet back to LA.
“Yeah.” I don’t blame him for being angry.
“Stay there, I’m on my way.” With that, I hang up and pray I’m not too late to make him see, to give him the truth.