As we approach Beyond, I slow to a stop a few feet from home. Lennox is still holding my hand, and when he feels my resistance, he regards me carefully. Looking between me and the door to the club and the apartment, his brow wrinkles. Again.

I feel like maybe I’ll cause him to age prematurely because I’m making him frown so much. Why have I dragged him into my issues? Another selfish move? The thought makes me feel a little sick and I take a gulp of air to dispel the nausea.

“You’ve gone pale,” he says, coming in front of me. “Is it really that bad?”

Raising my eyes to his, I don’t know what to tell him.

Taking another look towards the door, he drops my hand and hits the button on the intercom.

“Who is it?” Benji croons through the speaker.

“This is Lennox Green - from Green’s Produce. Is Scarlett in? Or Bruno, maybe?”

After a brief pause, Scar’s voice comes over the intercom. “I’m coming! Is she with you?”

“She is.”

Scarlett thanks God and less than twenty seconds later, the door flies open.

“Kat! You had us worried sick!”

Pulling me into a hug, she keeps me prisoner when I’d just decided to run again. Damn her strength. Maybe I can duck out when she loosens her arms a little.

Lennox clears his throat and I realize he’s watching me like a hawk. “Before you try to make a break for it, perhaps I can erase the need?” he suggests, turning his gaze to Scarlett. “Kat didn’t want to come home. I realize this is very out of character, and while I leave her in your obviously caring hands, I’ll ask that you not pressure her to explain whatever it is that’s causing her an extreme amount of guilt. I’m sure she will share in her own time, as she has already expressed that she feels she should. Considering her general moral compass, I think we can agree that Katarina will always do as she thinks she should, despite any detrimental effects to herself, so perhaps we can soften the blow as much as possible when the time comes. Strangely,” he continues, “For some reason, Kat is convinced she is not a good person, which you and I both know is... well, quite frankly, it’s preposterous. Please see that she is well looked after. I fear her holiday was likely very taxing.”

He uses air-quotes for the word holiday, but that isn’t what’s made my jaw go slack. Not only has he said everything I hadn’t yet built up the courage to ask of my friends, he’s said it so eloquently, that I can hardly align him with the man of few words I tend to lose my marbles around; as evidenced by my usual tendency to babble almost incoherently. Risking a glance at Scarlett, I see her looking as perplexed as I feel.

Blinking a few times, she nods at Lennox, holds me at arm’s length to look me over, hugs me again, and starts leading me inside without another word.

Looking over my shoulder to Lennox, I still can’t quite work out what’s happening. He delivers a wink and a slow smile as he raises his hand in a wave, and then the door shuts behind me.

Scarlett pulls me upstairs, through the living room and the kitchen - putting on the kettle along the way, and then tugs me the short way down the hall to my bedroom. Grabbing my robe from the back of my door, she leads me to the bathroom and turns the shower on before facing me.

Her green eyes glare at my coat as if it should evaporate immediately or suffer the consequences. Unbuttoning it quickly to spare it any harm, I stare back at her, wondering how the hell she can be so bossy without saying a single word.

“I’m not going to ask about anything,” she says sweetly, as if she isn’t the most insanely curious person on the planet and wouldn’t go to any length to seek answers. Eying her warily, I turn to hang my coat on the hook.

“Holy shit!”

I whip back around to see what’s happened, but she follows me in a circle as if we’re both one dog chasing its own tail.

“What are you doing?” I cry, backing up against the wall to keep her from pursuing my rear end.

About to speak, she clamps her lips together. “I said I wouldn’t ask about anything,” she whines, her legs stomping restlessly. Suddenly, there’s a glint in her eyes and she swings open the bathroom door, grabs my hand and we’re off again.

Dragging me to my room, she parks me in front of my full length mirror and turns me slowly to reveal two large dirty hand prints on the ass of my leggings.

“Oh.” My cheeks flame into action as my reflection conjures up every sense of my earlier encounter with Lennox Green. I look at Scarlett, who’s practically bouncing on the spot.

“I won’t ask, but when you spill, I totally want to hear every single dirty word!”

With a squeak, she pushes me back to the bathroom and leaves me at the open door. “Hot shower followed by tea. I’m kicking the boys out for a chick flick and makeover session!” she calls over her shoulder.

***

THE FILM COMES TO AN end and my friends all turn to me.

“Another one?” Alexa asks as Bettina continues to rub my shoulders.

Leaning forward, I smile at Teeny as I remove her hands from my shoulders, and shake my head. “No thanks guys. To be honest this whole be-nice-to-fragile-Kat-fest is weirding me out and giving me stomach pains. I think maybe I should just answer whatever questions you might have so I can start to feel better.”

“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to Kat,” Violet says firmly, shooting the others warning looks. “But if you think it will help, we’re happy to talk about what’s upsetting you.”

Sighing, I nod and give her a brave smile as I get comfortable. “Thanks for coming over Vi. We miss you around here.”

“I come around all the time,” she says, swatting the air between us. “I’m only living a few blocks away.”

Nodding, I take a deep breath. “I assume you’ve discussed between yourselves what I revealed earlier today?”

Looking a tad guilty, Scarlett and Alexa look to the others and nod. “Only because we care,” Scar explains.

“It’s fine,” I soothe. “Better that I don’t have to repeat it.” Sighing again, I shrug. “So I guess you can see that I totally messed up in regards to the boy next door, even though he doesn’t know it - hence the kiss. He gave me his details, but for obvious reasons, I will not be contacting him. What I did was unforgivable, but I can’t change it. So. Moving on. Lennox Green...” What to say? “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confess.

“What do you want?” Nina asks in her completely rational way.

Feeling my cheeks heat, I bury my face in my hands when Scarlett and Ireeni lock eyes and giggle.

Lexi shushes them and clears her throat. “So... do you want... that, or more than that?”

“That?” Teeny asks with a giggle. “You’d think a bunch of strippers could come up with better terminology for a penis than that. The man works in fruit and vegetables, for crying out loud. How about banana? Pickle?”

“Probably more of a marrow,” Scar adds helpfully. “You’ve seen the man, right? Even Kat could wear heels and still have to look up to him.”

Nina clears her throat this time, bringing the focus back to me - which of course is terrible, because I’m now thinking about how big Lennox Green’s marrow is, and they’re all looking at me expectantly. Crud.

How to explain? While I totally want to... crunch the man’s carrot? I also wouldn’t dream of it being anything less than a long-term commitment, and it couldn’t possibly become that considering my history - which I can’t lie about if I want to have an honest-to-goodness real relationship.

“It’s complicated?” I suggest meekly. “I really like him. And his family. I’d love to be a part of that. I really like him in that... banana-pickle way. Real bad. Against all better judgment, out of nowhere, I’ve started accidentally throwing myself at him - and I love what happens next, but then I can’t... do it. Any of it. My body wants to, but my head says otherwise because of these things I’ve done. I don’t want to tell him about them, because it’ll mean the end, but I can’t not tell him and still do those things!” Groaning, I push myself up from the beanbag and march to the kitchen to put on the kettle.

Coming back out, I flop into the beanbag again with a sigh. “It’s too hard. I’ll just stay single forever.”

Moans of disagreement erupt around me.

“I just don’t get it,” Lexi muses quietly. “Shagging the love of your life’s dad just seems so unlike you.”

Alarm bells go off in my head and I work hard to keep my face neutral. “Yeah, well, I did it. And I enjoyed it, which makes it at least four million times more shameful than the actual act of betrayal. Can we not go into it? Please.”

“Okay,” she says even more quietly, her worried eyes searching mine that much more carefully. “Moving on. Um. That Lennox Green is a puzzle huh? The beard-y, inked version of a clean-cut guy.”

“You should have heard him when he brought Kat home!” Scar adds, shuffling to the edge of her seat. “Not only did he blow my mind by using actual words instead of facial expressions to communicate, but the guy sounded like he went to private school or some shit. I tell ya, that guy is all kinds of confusing.”

Lexi nods. “I know, right? Damon thinks he’s like an adorable teddy bear that could rip your head off.”

I snort a little at that, because Damon is not wrong at all. The mix of sweet and powerful is intoxicating. “Yeah,” I sigh dreamily, “He’s really something else.”

“Oh shit,” Vi says, looking to the others. “Are you guys seeing this? Kat’s not just monster-horny, she’s in love. Like really in love.” Turning to face me, all the girls nod.

“There’s only one thing for it Kat,” Nina says with her encouraging ‘social worker’ smile that makes me immediately worried. “You’ve got to be honest with the guy and see what happens. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If not?” She shrugs and looks around the group. “We’re all here for you. Do you think talking to Andy about what you’ve done might help alleviate some of your guilt over it? I mean, if you’re sure you’ll never pursue that relationship, there’s nothing left to lose. Right?”

“Wrong,” I admit quietly. “If Andy knew the circumstances, he’d hate me and hate his father - who is his hero, by the way. I can’t do that. And over the holidays, I realized that my family was as important to him as he was to me; to us. My siblings love him as their brother too. I’d destroy all that. Taint it all with my bad decisions. The kids can never know either - I can’t even begin to tell you how bad that would be, and there’s a chance they’d find out if I told Andy. Or if Mr. Coulson did. Brett.” Shaking my head, I scold myself for calling him Mr. and keeping him in a position of authority. Weird that I still think of him that way, even though I’m an adult too. Shaking my head again, I lean back in the beanbag and sigh louder than ever.

“You’re right about one thing though. If I want to take things further with Lennox, I need to tell him.” Pausing a while to think on how to do that, I sigh again and close my eyes. “How long do you think I could just resist his burly deliciousness?” I ask, completely serious, even though several girls laugh. “I mean, it’s inevitable I’m going to go there again. I’m out of control. I practically jumped the guy and had to beg him to stop us from going further because I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop. I wanted his marrow so bad!”

Violet sprays us with her beer as she burst out laughing. Apologizing profusely as we wipe our faces, she doesn’t actually stop laughing.

Shaking her head disapprovingly, Scarlett snaps her fingers in front of Vi’s face. “Unless you’re going to share with the group what’s so funny, I’m going to have to ask you to stop drinking beer. We’ve already discussed pickles and marrows. Nothing newly hilarious was spoken.”

Vi snorts again and holds her hand up in surrender as she controls herself. “Except this time, when Kat said it, I felt like she was referring to bone marrow - which at first is kind of sweet, if you think about loving someone that deeply, but when I replayed it in my head, bone marrow sounded even more lewd than marrow by itself! Bone. Marrow. Wanting to bone his marrow? Come on, that’s funny.”

All of us watch her quietly as the smile slides off her face. “Isn’t it?”

Unable not to, we all erupt into raucous laughter - at her, rather than her joke, just as the guys arrive home from wherever it was they were sent - Damon’s I think.

Bruno smiles at Scar. A silent exchange occurs in that one look and he turns to me. “Alright then, Kat?”

“Much better. Thanks. You guys missed a great girlie chat. How was Damon’s?”

“Terrible. He made us play charades.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Made you?”

Alexa giggles. “Damon can be very persuasive when he wants to,” she explains of her new beau.

Bruno tuts and rolls his eyes. “Have you ever played charades with a guy without hands? It’s so bad!”

“He beat you, didn’t he,” Lex says, trying to hide her smile.

“Of course he beat me!” Bruno declares, raising his hands in frustration. “The man is a machine. It’s like he can hone in on the wavelength of anyone playing and uses precisely calculated movements to prompt the right guess from them. If I could prove he was somehow cheating, I’d sack that turd-burger. It’s disgusting.”

“Only because you weren’t on his team,” Coop laughs, cuffing Bruno on the shoulder as he walks past. Smith agrees with a ‘hmmpf’ sound as Benji laughs along with Coop, giving away exactly whose team they’d each been on.

Bruno only grunts in response before moving into the kitchen, after which comes the sound of the fridge opening.

“And life goes on as usual.” Standing, I straighten my robe, wiggle my freshly painted toes and thank my beautiful city family for their support. Retiring to my room, I ponder just how I’ll be able to disclose my dirty little secret to Lennox Green, without somehow accidentally luring him to tackle me onto his manicured little lawn and screwing me senseless first; because once he’s heard about my past, that thought will have to remain a fantasy.