ThunderKat,

The first thing I must say, is that I am most definitely not disappointed in you. You are by far one of the most extraordinary people I know. The effort it must have taken to keep your amazing family together through years of loss and hardship is beyond my comprehension. It’s more than anyone should have had to manage, and the fact that you did it on your own speaks of your incredible strength and determination. I had no right to judge you for using your talents to improve the quality of life for your siblings, and you were right to walk out on me.

The truth is, I was in shock. I’d come in search of you behind the bar, but had been distracted by the beautiful Angel on the stage. When your disguise came off and I saw that it was you, I just about lost my mind - for more reasons than I think I mentioned in our brief discussion.

Kat, you have always had the most courageous and beautiful spirit, and seeing you dance as you did, I guess I was jealous that other people would see it too and therefore make me less special in my adoration.

You probably don’t want to hear that either, given the fact that I waited so long to tell you of my feelings for you. For some reason I always felt as though it was wrong to love you like I did. I felt that I couldn’t show it. Seeing you again at Christmas made me realize that was crazy, but I scared you then with a holiday kiss, and now with an almost brawl on your doorstep as I tried to understand the situation. After some time to think on it, I’m actually very pleased that you have large scary men protecting you from potential harm.

You say you don’t want saving, and you clearly don’t need my help, but I was wondering if there was any chance of preserving our friendship. I’ve missed you all so much, and though my life is where I thought it was meant to be, it feels empty and hollow without my family to share it with me. Seeing you all at Christmas got me seeing things more clearly.

I promise I won’t tell the others, if this is truly what you want. And I hope you can forgive me for being a complete ass.

Love, Andy.

Reading it again through a blur of tears, I set the letter aside, wipe my eyes and stare at the kitchen counter.

My finger start tapping and I put the kettle on out of habit.

“You want to talk about it?” Alexa asks, her voice laced with caution.

Shaking my head, I roll a lemon in front of me. Nobody really wants to hear my stupid, tale of woe. It doesn’t even matter. I’m not unhappy. There is a wonderful man that loves me, who treats me so well it hurts, and continues to love me even though I’m acting insanely.

I’m angry; but that’s something different.

“Thanks Lex, but I’m actually okay. Just a bit annoyed at what happened tonight.”

“A bit?” she asks, stifling a small snort. “You look as though you’re about to squirt lemon juice in the eyes of anyone who messes with you.”

Lifting my eyes to hers, I quirk my eyebrows as I hold up the lemon. “Feeling brave were you?”

Giggling a little, she lowers my weapon with her hand on top of mine. “I’m here if you want to talk about what’s pissing you off. Is it the way Lennox left how he did?”

I shake my head and sigh. “I’m surprised he’s hung around me this long, to be honest, but no. He says he loves me and will see me in the morning. My guess is he needs some space from me and my crazy behavior. I only hope one night isn’t enough time for him to realize how nuts his loving me is.”

“Loving you isn’t nuts.”

“Hmm.”

Taking another lemon, I roll both back and forth on the counter top.

“They both love you?”

“Mm.”

“And that makes you angry?”

Shaking my head again, I reach for a knife and slice the lemons in half. “Life makes me angry. Timing makes me angry,” I say, grinding the lemon halves into the juicer one at a time. “But mostly I’m angry because those things make me angry. I don’t want the life I dreamed about back then, so why do I care that it’s being shoved in my face now?”

“Maybe because of the shoving?” Lex suggests, her eyes squinting in sympathy at the poor lemons. “If you feel like it’s being shoved at you, it’s bound to feel unpleasant.”

“Mm.”

“Okay, different angle,” she says, squaring her shoulders and pushing the icing sugar towards me as I pull in the nearest mixing bowl. “What is the life you dream about now?”

Hesitating a moment, I slowly reach for the icing sugar and start tipping it into my bowl. “I don’t know exactly.”

“What do you know?”

“I know that I hate thinking Lennox might be mad at me. I know that I love his little family as if it were my own. I know that he makes my knees weak and my soul full, and that I want to be with him, I just don’t know how that looks. I can’t ruin what he has by thrusting myself into it, and I have my own family to worry about too. I can’t just do as I damn well please; not when there are three eleven year-olds to consider. What do I do?” I ask Alexa, knowing she’ll have less of a clue than me. “I can’t stop dancing and I have no other career, or means of providing for them. Do I just carry on with Lennox, seeing him when I can until all the girls are old enough to leave home?”

“Is that what you want?” Lex asks.

“No. I don’t know. I can’t think about what I want.”

Alexa folds her arms over her chest. “Why not?”

Staring at her a moment, I shake my head and mix the icing instead. How do I explain my prison to a free agent?

Lex wipes a splatter of icing from the bench and sucks it off her finger. “As far as I can tell, you have some similarities to a single mom. When a single mom finds a guy she wants to share a life with, what does she do?”

“Considers how the guy will treat her kids.”

“Great. So how will Lennox treat your kids?”

Frowning, I reach for the first cake. “Lennox is a great dad. This isn’t about Lennox. He’s wonderful.”

“Right. Of course. So when a single mom finds a wonderful guy and wants to marry him, what do they do?”

My cheeks heat. “I didn’t say anything about marriage. We only got together yesterday.”

“Yeah, yeah. Bear with me. They talk about it first, obviously. Then they work out a plan, chuck the kids in the car, take them for ice cream and say ‘hey, meet your new sisters, we’re shacking up and because you’re dependents, you have to do as you’re told and don’t get to rule my damn life, so eat your ice cream and we’ll show you your new room.’ Or something to that effect, because you’re the boss, Kat.”

“I know I’m the boss. I hate being the boss.” Icing the fourth cake, I glance at her and sigh. “It’s not as simple as all that, Lex. The kids are settled, I have secrets in the city, and I’m pretty sure that Lennox will come to his senses pretty quickly about the impact of having a stripper around his little girl. I can’t see it working, but... I want him, Lex. It’s so hard to say that out loud, but he makes me feel... like I’m my own person; like I’m independent of all the other stuff. I just hope that who I am doesn’t ruin us.”

“Is the Andy thing a problem?”

“Lennox knows about Andy.”

“Knows what? That you pined for the guy for years? That he’s now on your doorstep professing his love? That you chose a letter from Andy over Lennox the man? You let him walk out the door and now your icing cakes at three in the morning.”

“I didn’t choose a letter over him!”

“Do you think that’s how he sees it?”

“Damn it Alexa! I was just angry before; now I’m freaking out!” Grabbing the nearest cloth and wiping sticky frosting off my fingers, I reach for my phone. “I can’t call him at three in the morning!”

Thumbing out an ‘are you awake?’ message, I hit send and wait. Sighing when it doesn’t chirp back at me, I keep my tapping fingers busy by icing the rest of the cakes. It was silly to think he’d still be awake; he’s been up since the crack of dawn like me.

“He’s probably asleep,” I tell Alexa, yawning myself. “We’ve had a big day.”

Smiling sadly, she nods, hugs me, and wishes me goodnight before disappearing off to her room.

“Please be asleep and not avoiding me,” I whisper, tidying up my mess.

Retiring to my room, I strip down to nothing, because pajamas don’t remind me of Lennox Green. I climb under the covers and set my alarm, before smoothing the quilt with my fingers as they threaten to drum me into madness.

My room still smells of him. Of us. It reminds my body of its recent sexual awakening. I can’t think of it as a re-awakening, because what Lennox and I have is so much more than what Mr. Coulson did to me.

Rolling over with a sigh, I click on the lamp and read Andy’s letter again. Is it wrong to grieve for something you never had?

Katarina - it’s a damn waste of time! Focus on what’s happening and figure it out before morning, or the man you love will be gone too.

***

BANANA CAKE IN HAND, I stand outside the Green’s actual front door. Just down from the store, it’s a large dark green door with pale green panels. Three pep-talks and two countdowns later, the fingers wiggling restlessly inside my mittens are nearly numb, because I can’t stand to keep the damn things in my coat pocket.

My sigh puffs a cloud of warm breath around me and fighting myself for another minute, I take action and just slam the doorbell with my hand, because then I’ll have to face him. Or I can run. Looking around the dark street, I hone in on the safest path through the ice.

A shiver runs down by spine as heavy footsteps jog down the stairs behind the door. It opens and Lennox Green’s annoyed eyebrows draw up in surprise. “Kat?”

“I know it’s early. I hope I didn’t wake anyone.”

Opening the door wider, he motions me inside. Dressed in his undershirt and jeans, he looks good enough to eat and I try not to stare.

“Can I take your coat?” he asks, already moving behind me to take it. “When I said I’d see you in the morning, I thought it’d be when you and Scarlett arrived to stock up before your deliveries.”

“I couldn’t wait,” I reply, setting the cake on a step and removing my mittens and hat, shoving them in my coat pocket as he hangs it on one of the hooks by the door. Rubbing my fingers together, I blow some warmth back into them.

Lennox takes them between his warm hands, his eyes snapping to mine as he rubs the feeling back into them. “How long have you been standing out there?”

“A while,” I admit quietly.

“What is it that’s so hard to tell me Kat? Am I that much of a monster that you don’t feel safe enough to say?”

“You’re not a monster.” Frowning at his reasoning, I hold up the cake. It’s beyond frosted; I’ve ‘beautified’ it to the point of over-decorating. “I don’t make cake for monsters.”

Eying the cake warily, Lennox folds his arms instead of taking it. “Is that some sort of apology cake?” he says in a disapproving tone. “Apology food gives me indigestion.”

“It’s the payment cake - that you said you’d share with Lincoln if he watched Kimber - that I said I’d drop by if you both wouldn’t eat her cake.” Pulling it back, I look him up and down. “Did you eat her cake?”

“No I didn’t eat her cake,” he says, taking the cake from me. “I’m not a monster.” Turning, he starts back up the stairs, pausing a few steps up to look back down at me. “You coming? I’m just about to have breakfast. Have you eaten?”

I shake my head.

“Is that a ‘no’ to eating, or to coming up?” he asks, turning to face me fully. His eyes drop to my fingers tapping against my thigh and he squints at me in concern.

“Come. Eat. Then you can tell me what you came to tell me while you help me with my morning chores.”

Feeling a small smile tugging at my lips, I start up the stairs. “Are you always this bossy in the morning?”

“Yes,” he says when I get to the step below him. Kissing my forehead, he keeps walking up. “This cake better not taste like baking powder.”

Laughing quietly, I follow him to the dining table. Glancing towards the hall that leads to the bedrooms, I notice the door is firmly shut, and relax a bit knowing the others are still asleep. Turning back to Lennox as he pulls out a chair for me, I sit. “What’s on the menu?”

“Fungus,” he says with a grin as he sets the cake on the counter and puts bread in the toaster. Elbows on the table, I rest my face in my hands and watch him move about his kitchen. The man certainly knows what he’s doing. Every movement is confident, and unless I’m mistaken, perhaps intentionally seductive.

A few minutes later the salivating scent of garlic and mushrooms fills the air, and when Lennox places a plate of mushrooms on toast garnished with fresh parsley from the potted herb collection on his windowsill, I can’t hide my smile.

“Are you trying to impress me?”

Setting his own plate in the space next to mine, he sits slowly, watching me. “Is it working?” he asks, his own smile not as confident as his earlier moves might have suggested.

Raising my eyebrows, I pick up my fork and try a mushroom. “Pretty sure you’ve been impressive the whole time I’ve known you.” Holding up another mushroom, I meet his eyes before taking it to my mouth. “While this does add to your already panty-dropping appeal, you don’t have to try too hard.” My eyes drop from his gorgeous dark lashes and toffee treats to rake over his fine form. “I’m already a fan.”

Blushing slightly, he twiddles his fork between his fingers a moment before stabbing a buttery mushroom.

“Is that what you came to tell me?” he says, putting it in his mouth and watching me as he chews.

“Sort of,” I reply, looking to my plate and poking another mushroom. “I needed to make sure you didn’t think I chose a letter, over you. Alexa said I may have given you that impression, and I really need you to not feel that way, because...” I set my fork on the plate and brace myself for saying the selfish thought out loud. Telling him makes it real; makes it matter.

Taking my hand in his, he gives me his full attention. “Say it.”

“I want you.” Breathing hard, I take comfort from the warm glow in his eyes. “I want you... for me. I love everything about you and I want you in my life. Not because I’m addicted to your cock, though I’m fairly certain I might be, but because when I think about the future, I don’t know how it looks or what I want - just that I want you to be there. With me.”

Reaching for my face, he brings my lips to his, then presses his forehead to mine. “I’ll be there, Kat.”

“Even if Andy’s there too?” I ask, my fingers trembling as I put the letter on the table in front of him.

The crease between his brows becomes more pronounced as he leans back and eyes the letter. I nod as he looks to me, and he picks it up to read.

Frowning, he puts it on the table, stares at it, then picks it up and reads it again.

Sighing, he puts it back on the table and pushes it away. “In what regard will Andy Coulson be in your future?” he asks in a flat tone.

“Our future,” I correct him.

Looking at me a moment, he takes his fork back up and stabs a mushroom. “When I said I was good at sharing, I meant the peas, Kat. I won’t share you.”

Shaking my head, I clear my throat. “Um, no. That’s not what I had in mind. I don’t want to be... shared. Not like that. I need to know if you’d mind if I... adopted him, kind of. So he can have his brother and sisters back.”

Considering my words a while, Lennox searches my face. “Won’t that be difficult and uncomfortable for you?”

Immensely. “Yes.”

Another minute passes before his knife and fork begin cutting his toast into squares. “You are a generous woman, Katarina Sophia James.”

It’s all he says, and as he nods at my plate, I too resume eating. I can only guess at his thoughts as he avoids my eyes and finishes his breakfast. When I’m done, he puts our plates in the sink and makes to take the shirt off the back of one of chairs, but then hesitates, his hand still hovering over the shirt.

My eyes drop to the shirt. “Is that the gag gift shirt?”

“Mm.” Instead of taking it, he gives me a long, hard look. His outstretched fingers reach over to take my hand instead. “Chores,” he says, pulling me towards the internal door that leads down to the store and the warehouse.

“What’s the real story behind the shirt?” I ask, following him downstairs.

“It’s code.”

“For what?”

“For - back the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone, because I fucked things up with Kat and I definitely don’t want to fucking talk about it.”

“Oh,” I say, as he flicks a whole board of switches and the warehouse lights up with its rows of lamps. “I guess that’s one way of keeping language clean around Kimber.”

He doesn’t respond and keeps walking until we arrive at the far end of the warehouse. There, he drops my hand, takes a clipboard off the wall and hands it to me.

“Record the numbers I tell you in the alphabetical columns.”

Looking at the temperature chart, I nod, but return my eyes to his in need of an explanation of a different kind. “You didn’t fuck anything up. If anyone did, it was me.”

Shrugging, Lennox checks a digital display attached to a tank at the end of a vegetation row. “A1, 73 degrees.” We walk along the row to another digital display. “A2, 72.5.” Turning to face me, he sighs. “Whatever happened, it was fair to warn Linc that I’d be a moody bastard and wouldn’t want him to ask about it.” Continuing down the row to the end, he gives me the final temperature for row A.

“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings,” I say, recording the number he gives me for B3 as we move back the other way. Frowning at the gauge midway up the row, he flicks it with his finger. The upward temperature trend continues as he gives me the reading for B1.

“Two degrees over optimal again,” he says, crouching to tinker with something below the system. “I’m sorry I left how I did. I know you were upset by Andy’s reaction, so any sign that he’d think otherwise would restore your confidence. I just... he obviously still means a lot to you.”

“Not in the same way you do.”

“Probably not,” he says, reading out the first temperature for row C. “I’m not like him at all.”

“No. You’re not,” I agree.

Lennox looks to me and sighs. “Do you wish I was?”

“Not even a little bit.”

The corner of his mouth twitches, but he turns and moves away to the next guage.

“I’m not the same girl I was back then Lennox, and I don’t want the same guy. But I do care about him and want him to be happy.”

“Even if he thinks happiness is with you?” Lennox asks, pausing halfway to the end of the row.

“Of course I’ll tell him it’s not,” I say, shaking my head. “I plan on going to see him today and telling him just that, but I needed to talk to you first.”

“If you already have a plan, then why do you need to talk to me about it? C3, 69 degrees. Are you unsure of how he’ll take it?” he asks as we move to row D. “Do you need a large scary man to accompany you? D3, 68.5.”

“I told you,” I moan, scratching the pen on the side of the sheet to get the ink flowing again. “I wanted to see if you’d mind.”

“If I did, would you do differently?”

Shaking my head, I sigh. “I don’t mean if you mind if he’s in my family’s life,” I explain, realizing I’ve not been clear. “Obviously after the things I’ve done with his dad, I will be spending as little... difficult and uncomfortable time with him as possible, but for him and the kids to have each other, I have to make sacrifices.”

“Your own happiness for his?” Lennox asks, the crease between his brows deepening. “Sounds a hefty price for a man you claim not to love.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t love him in some way, I just don’t love him like I love you!” I cry, hitting him in the shoulder with the clipboard as he walks away from me.

Turning to face me, Lennox snatches the clipboard from my hand and points it at me, his eyes wide in both shock and anger.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” I mumble, tentatively taking the clipboard back and tucking it under my arm. Closing my eyes, I feel the tears building behind my eyelids. “Can you please not turn your back on me when I’m trying to ask you if you’ll stay with me?”

Feeling him step in close, I release the breath I’m holding as his hand cups my cheek. Taking his hand to my mouth, I kiss it and trap it between both of my hands.

“I don’t ask it lightly,” I say, forcing my eyes to open to him. “I don’t know how any of it will turn out, but I know I’ll have to lie, and how awful dishonesty is. I fucking hate how much I was lied to by my own parents, but I can’t have Andy or the kids know about the stuff with his dad. I just can’t. I couldn’t live with myself if they knew I did that for them. I love them too much to let them feel that guilt. I own it; it’s mine. I’ll play along with the ‘owing Brett money’ excuse. I’ll convince that asshole that I have no romantic interest in his son so he’ll keep quiet if Andy wants to spend time with my family. I’m going to blame my dancing for the running away weirdness, and I’ll tell Andy I’m yours...” I search his face. “Even if you don’t want me. You’re my excuse for rejecting him - because that part is the truth. I’m yours. I could never love him the way I love you. I know I’m asking a lot of you.” I really am asking a lot. “Too much,” I add with a frown. “I’m asking you to want me; and to understand my need to console the man I used to love in some fucked up attempt to repay him for my betrayal; and to lie to people. It’s... despicable,” I say, lowering my head and taking a step back at the realization. “And selfish and unforgivable. I’m sorry. You don’t need this. I... I’m terrible to even ask.” Covering my mouth I try to keep from filling the air I’m trying to breathe with my suffocating shame. Shaking my head, I turn down the nearest row, rushing to get away.

Meeting another green wall, I turn down the next row, only to turn back and head in the opposite direction when I meet a dead end. Lennox meets me on my way back, stepping into my path as I make to slip by.

“It’s a fucking maze in here,” I grumble, keeping my eyes on his boots so I don’t have to look him in the eye.

Lifting my chin with his finger, Lennox doesn’t let me get away with it. “You want me?” he asks gruffly.

I nod.

“And I want you. We’ll work on the rest,” he says, bending to take my lips in a spine-melting kiss. I ease into him, sure of nothing but his support as he holds me up.

Groaning, he pulls away and steadies me properly on my feet. “Chores,” he says, handing me back the clipboard I'd dropped, taking my other hand and pulling me back through his maze to where we’d been before I tried to run.

The only utterances for the next lengthy period, are row numbers and temperatures. Eventually Lennox takes the clipboard from me and hangs it back on the wall.

“This is how it’s going to go,” he says, turning back to me. “You’re going to meet Andy today and tell him that you didn’t want him involved in your life in order to protect your family from the things you do, and because you are head over heels in love with the adorable, yet scary man from the veggie store and didn’t want to hurt his little-boy-next-door feelings. You tell him that you are more than happy for him to keep in touch, but there is zero chance of romance between the two of you.”

I smile a little. “You are quite adorable.”

“I’m not finished,” he says, with a steely glint in his eye. “Next time you go home to Franklinville, Kimber and I are coming with you. We’ll introduce the kids to each other and I am going to pay a visit to the man next door.”

Feeling the blood drain from my face, I suck in a long slow breath. “What will you do?”

“I will simply explain the situation and what is expected of him in future.”

“Wh-what is expected?”

“Mouth shut, and no involvement or interfering. Or else,” Lennox adds with an interesting expression that seems to be a cross between determination and excitement, as if he’s anticipating an enjoyable task.

I really don’t want to admit that the thrill that just traveled my spine has anything to do with being very turned on right now, but shit. Feeling my face warming, I take a steadying breath that has Lennox eying my parted lips.

“And you,” he says, stepping closer and pulling me against him. “You are going to have to learn not to blush at every sexual thought unless you want me to take you on the spot, because woman I love that color in your cheeks, but can’t help wanting to fuck it right back out of you,” he says, walking me backwards to the wall and pressing his mouth to mine. Moaning, I shift against him as his words set my insides on high alert.

“Da-ad! Is there any more cereal?” Kimber yells from the other end of the warehouse, somewhere in the vicinity of the hall with the stairs.

Groaning a little, Lennox pulls away from me and runs his hand down his face.

“Morning Sprout! Try the top shelf at the back and go kick your uncle till he wakes up.”

“‘Kay!”

Scratching the back of his head, Lennox turns back to me, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth as his hungry eyes take me in. Taking a deep breath, he tucks his erection away and clears his throat. “Chores,” he says, nodding for me to follow as he turns.