“Andy?”

The same bright smile that lit up my world for years comes crashing back into my life.

“ThunderKat!” he cries, pulling me into a warm hug and swinging me in a tight circle.

Inside I’m screaming. Initially it’s from excitement, but that’s quickly replaced by terror as I think about all that has happened since I last saw him. Commanding myself not to actually scream out loud, I convince myself that acting naturally is the best disguise. Just act cool.

Cool is way beyond me. Outwardly, I feel as frozen as my feet did not so long ago.

Andy Coulson sets me back on the stoop and holds me at arm’s length as he grins at me. My eyes seem to be the only part of me able to move and they run a quick assessment.

Dimples - check

Bright blue eyes and tidy blond hair - check.

Cute as ever - check.

Filled out nicely - double check. The boy next door is gone. This is a man. The man next door. Fuck.

Covering my mouth as if I’d actually said the word, I take a step backwards.

Andy must take this move as surprise, because he nods and just keeps grinning.

“Katarina James, you look as beautiful as ever. Can I come in?” he asks, already stepping forwards. “I saw you dancing in the snow like an angel and just had to come and catch up,” he continues, shrugging out of his coat. “I would have been over straight away, but Dad needed help to find something.”

Apparently taking my retreat as me making way for him to enter, Andy casually hangs his coat on one of the hooks inside just as he did when we were younger. It all seems so normal, and yet so bizarrely disturbing.

Closing the door, behind us, I take another look at his grinning face. He has no idea.

That’s good. That’s very, very good. You can do this Kat.

His smile shrinks a little. “Are you okay Kat?”

Nodding, I plaster a smile on my face. “Absolutely. Just... surprised,” I utter, because truly, I am. “Wow. Andy Coulson. How long has it been?” As if I don’t know. As if I didn’t count the hours and then the days, pining for my friend when he left for college. As if the thought of him wasn’t what got me through the hardest times of my life.

“A solid seven or so years, as I see it,” he replies, with that great smile beaming more brightly again. “I’ve only been back to Franky-town once since then, but I didn’t get to see you! Damn,” he says wistfully, shaking his head. “I was missing out, Kat. Great job on the growing up.”

Feeling my cheeks heat, I retreat to the kitchen to put the kettle on again. “Um... thanks?” Keeping my eyes on the task of making tea, I avoid looking at him. “You too.”

So he likes the way I look. I think he always did, though he’d never have said it back then. There was a time when I would have lapped that compliment up like it was my next meal, but now I can’t take it as anything but a man appreciating a woman’s body, and I certainly can’t be entertaining the old fantasies of Andy Coulson sweeping me off my feet and into the life I’d always dreamed of. That ship has sailed - off the edge of the earth.

“Tea?”

“Sure,” he says, making himself at home as he sits at the kitchen table. Just like old times. It’s as if we’re about to have our after school snacks before we head out to play; as if the years haven’t passed, and we’re still young and free.

Maybe he is.

Andy swivels his head around as if searching for something. “I wasn’t expecting to find you alone,” he says, still smiling as he turns back to find me watching him. “Dad told me that you had a house full of kids,” he says, his smile fading just a little.

“They’re all out,” I say with a shrug, setting his tea in front of him. “Cookie?”

“If you made it, definitely,” he says, smiling in thanks for his tea.

Am I smiling as much as he is? I remind myself that this is probably not weird for him at all, and that he is just excited to see an old friend. Releasing my breath fully, I collect a tin of cookies from the counter and put them on the table before sitting down myself.

“So... How have you been?” I ask casually, hiding behind my teacup somewhat as I watch him over the top of it.

“Busy,” he says with a weary expression. “College, Law school, classes and study, then work and internships filling my every break. I mean, I know Dad was just setting these things up to make sure I’d have a great start to my career - which I have, and I’m grateful, but honestly, it was as if he was finding ways to keep me away from home. Probably because of his troubles with Mom, I guess.” Shaking his head, Andy takes a sip of his tea and smiles sadly. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring that up. It’s been a few years since she left now, but I guess being home makes me wonder where it all went wrong.”

Swallowing with difficulty, I give a casual shrug.

“Anyway,” he says, moaning in appreciation as he takes a bite of a cookie, “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Pardon?”

Chewing more slowly, Andy frowns for the first time since his arrival. “The lucky guy,” he repeats, looking around the room again with a more studious gaze. “Your husband. The one that has taken your kids away for the evening so that you can dance in the snow.”

My teacup clatters to the table as I choke on my tea.

Patting me on the back until I stop coughing, Andy stares at me in concern. “Was it something I said?”

“Ah, yeah.” Laughing, I push up from the table and head for the sink to get a cloth. “I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. Well, I do,” I correct myself, wiping up my spilled tea. “But the twins are eleven now, Jem’s in her last year of high school, and Tim-bones hates it when I call him one of the kids.”

Frowning again, Andy looks around again. “Where’s your mom?”

I stop wiping. “Excuse me?”

“Where is your mom Kat?”

Oh shit. He doesn’t even know that?

“Mt. Prospect Cemetery,” I reply calmly.

“What? When?”

I finish up with the cloth and return to the sink. Rinsing it out, I take a deep breath. “She got sick in my final year of high school. Turns out Daddy wasn’t the only drinker. Mom just did it in secret until her body gave out on her. I looked after her here until she passed. That was nearly five years ago.”

“Five years?” he repeats, his jaw still slack from the shock. “I’m so sorry,” he says, moving his head slowly from side to side. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I should have been here for you. For all of you. The twins- you were all so young! I-” Interrupting himself, his wide eyes study my face as I sit down again. “You’ve raised them all on your own?”

Raising one shoulder in a half shrug, I lower it again slowly. “Tim was sixteen by then, so he helped. He still helps. A lot. We make a good team.”

“Hmm,” Andy agrees. “I remember.” Still frowning, he adjusts himself in his chair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispers, hanging his head a little. “When you stopped texting, I tried to call you, but your number didn’t exist anymore. I thought-” Shaking his head, he looks up at me with sad eyes. “It wasn’t long after I left. If I ruined things with that kiss, Kat... if you weren’t interested, I... I was still your friend. I still would’ve tried to help. I...” His voice fades to nothing as I recall the last time I saw him.

Our first kiss. The one I’d secretly hoped for since my teenage hormones woke up and saw Andy as more than just my friend from next door. The kiss that made all of my dreams seem possible until he pulled away and ran to his family’s car that was loaded up with so much gear that his things were even strapped to the roof racks. The car that drove Andy Coulson out of my life.

He was always out of my league. At first I’d thought that kiss was a sign that we’d closed the gap, but when his parents returned without him, his Dad had blatantly warned me off. He’d reminded me that Andy was on the path to becoming a man, and that I shouldn’t take it personally if he didn’t have time for me anymore. He was in college now and would be busy meeting new girls, and learning new things in a life that small town Franklinville just couldn’t give him.

I got his meaning loud and clear. I was trash and his boy was destined for better. Andy wasn’t just out of my league; he was off-limits.

Flashing forward a few years to now, the usual unpleasant chill created by that warning runs down my spine. Andy is still so off-limits.

“You didn’t ruin anything,” I reassure him. “You had your whole life ahead of you, and you deserved a chance to start it fresh. I couldn’t afford to keep the phone anyway. Things were pretty tight; even then.”

Staring at me a moment, Andy’s gaze shifts to look around the room again. His eyes grow distant and I wonder if he’s remembering something from our youth. My mom in the kitchen making us fresh cookies after school, maybe.

Lowering his chin to his chest, he sighs softly. “Still. I don’t understand why Mom or Dad didn’t tell me. I would’ve come to pay my respects. There must have been something I could’ve done to help,” he says, his eyes filling with sadness as he searches my face. “You must have felt so alone.”

Clenching my jaw, I swallow the lump in my throat. “I wasn’t alone. There are five of us.”

Andy’s eyebrows tilt to make him appear even more upset. “You were so young. Too young for that responsibility.”

Sighing, I push up from the table, unable to look at his face any longer without feeling not only the pain of those years, but everything I’ve lost. “I was holding this family together long before then. Mom was never the same after Daddy left. Who do you think made sure everyone was dressed and ready for nursery, or school? Who made sure the clothes were clean and the dinner was made? Mom was purely for show. I’m only grateful that she held on until I was old to become their legal guardian.” Brushing a tear from my cheek and squashing my anger back down, I look at the clock. “I’m sorry, Andy. I’ve got a lot to do while the kids are out,” I lie, making a determined dash to the front door and taking his coat from the hook. “I’m really glad to hear your career is going well. Your parents must be very proud. I know it was very important to them. And you.”

His big blue eyes search mine as he takes the coat from me. Avoiding his gaze, I open the door. “Have a wonderful Christmas. Oh, did you want to take some cookies? I kind of went over-board.”

Dropping his coat, Andy wraps his arms around me, pressing me to him. It would be so easy to crumble; to cling to him and cry against his soft shirt, releasing the years of pain and anguish. But to what end?

Refusing to break, I stand stiffly within his grasp.

Holy smoke he smells good. What is that? Tree sap? The Coulsons probably bought their tree today. They always did pay for the best one in town. It would be a floor to ceiling vision; nature’s own masterpiece with perfectly balanced branches that’d make our sad replica look even more pathetic.

Pushing back from him, I try to ignore the flood of fantasies I’d had as a younger person as they bombard me. I cannot be in Andy Coulson’s arms, no matter how many of those fantasies started like this.

“Thanks for stopping by Andy. I’ve often wondered how you were doing,” I admit, looking him over one last time. “You did a great job growing up too. Wait here?”

Before he can respond, I rush back to the kitchen, returning with two tins of cookies. I thrust them into his arms before he can hug me again. Frowning, he starts to hand them back, but I push them towards him, suddenly needing him to take my cookies, because they’re the only part of me I can give. “Please. Take them. I used Mom’s old recipe and they’re your favorite. I want you to have them. Please.”

Looking slowly from me to the cookies, and then back again, Andy nods. “Thank you, Katarina.”

His brows lower a fraction as he’s about to say something else, but then his lips press into a thin line. Nodding again, he picks up his jacket from the floor and moves to the door. Pausing before he opens it, he meets my eyes.

“I’m heading back to New York after Christmas, but I’d like to see you again before I leave. And the others,” he adds with a smile. “I’d love to find out what everyone’s up to. Without brothers and sisters of my own, I used to pretend your family was mine too.” His cheeks color a little at the admission. “What did Tim-bones end up doing?”

“Cars,” I reply, wondering if he’s curious about what I ended up doing - not that I’d tell him the whole story. “He works with Gill in the Auto-shop.”

“Would you mind if I came by again?” he asks nervously. “Tomorrow, or Christmas eve?”

Would I mind that he still cares about my family? No. It’s nice; and so like him to care. As long as he’s not just coming to see me, it’ll be fine.

“I’m sure the gang would love to see you. You were like a big brother to them too. You could come for dinner tomorrow. If you want.”

His face brightens and that stunning smile is back. “I’ll be here. With ice-cream.”

My heart beats a bit faster as his gaze lingers on my face just a little too long. I drop my eyes to the floor. “I’ll see you around six then.”

Leaning in, he kisses my flushed cheek before retreating out the door. “Six,” he repeats with a smile in his voice. “‘Night ThunderKat.”

The door closes after him and the breath I was holding gushes out of me. Almost staggering back to the kitchen, I put the kettle on to boil as I put Andy’s cup in the dishwasher. My fingers start tapping again. Sighing, I leave the kitchen and head upstairs.

The twins have moved in together to give me my own room while I’m home. The four bedroom house has never allowed us all to have our own space, but at least when I’m gone, it does. Soon Jem will be off to college and there will be a spare room. That’ll be strange.

Flopping onto Liana’s bed, I look around her room. Adjusting the lumpy pillow behind me, I decide she definitely needs a new one. The walls are looking pretty drab too. Hopping off the bed I open her closet and flick through a few of her hangers. The combination of hand-me-downs, second-hand clothes and a few newish items should be enough for now. Until she grows again. No doubt Ros’s closet is about the same.

Opening my suitcase, I take out my travel-sized knitting bag, and move back to the bed. Getting comfortable, I select a chunky yarn with natural brown tones. Casting on, I pause momentarily, reaching for my phone and putting some music on for background noise. Settling back again, I zone out as my needles work. I’m going to have to try a new pattern soon. I could almost make these hats in my sleep now, and I need to keep my brain engaged to keep the bad thoughts from swirling as they are now. The more I think about Andy, the faster my needles click.

I should never have invited him for dinner.