“You’ve been knitting all morning!” Jem cries as she grabs the back of my chair and shakes it. “We’re all home now and the park has a foot of snow! It’s perfect. Let’s go.”

“I’m almost finished!” Fending her off with my elbow as she tries to grab my arm, I keep the needles working. “Seriously. Just five more minutes and we’ll go. Why don’t you make sure everyone’s dressed for it?”

Groaning at me, Jem stomps away, calling for the twins. By the time they’re assembled at the door in their winter gear, I’ve finished the hat and am donning my own coat. Tim comes up behind me carrying the buckets and I can’t help but grin. All of my siblings are wearing the hats I made for them earlier in the season, and they look great. Each of us is also wearing a huge smile in anticipation of our annual family snowball fight.

“Let’s do this!” Ros shouts excitedly, always the competitor. Swinging open the door she stops short halfway through it. “Um, hi. Can I help you?” she asks cautiously as a man carrying a huge gift basket climbs our front steps.

Andy’s head pokes around the side of the basket and he studies Ros carefully. “Roslyn?” he asks with uncertainty.

Ros turns back to Tim and me, her eyes asking ‘who the hell is this guy, and how does he know my name?’

“Andy?” Tim moves forward, his hand already out to shake Andy’s.

Juggling the big cellophane wrapped basket, Andy frees a hand to do so. “Tim-bones! Great to see you, man!” Taking in each of the faces, Andy shakes his head in disbelief as Jem gives him a hug and the twins eyeball him with only vague recognition.

“I can’t believe how much you’ve all grown up.” His warm blues eyes fall on me and his smile grows impossibly bigger. “Hey ThunderKat.”

“Andy.” My voice is quiet as I try to keep it calm. “I thought I said six.” I don’t mean for it to come out as if I’m angry, but I was really counting on using that time to prepare myself for the emotional ordeal of spending time with him.

Blushing a little, Andy looks over towards his house. “You did. I know. It’s just that Dad had apparently already made plans for us tonight, and I was coming over to apologize, because I won’t be able to make it. But this is a Christmas basket, not an apology basket,” he says quickly, holding the gift basket out for Tim to take. Andy runs a hand through his hair when his hands are free. “I’m sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused,” he says, almost seeming uncomfortable as he looks at me. Shifting his gaze to the others again, his face brightens “You guys are on your way out, obviously. Where are you headed?”

“To the park!” Jem answers with the glee of a child, and I can’t help but feel warm inside. I love how easily she conjures that level of excitement; so different from me at that age. That’s what I’ve been working so hard for.

Tim holds up the buckets he’d set aside when he’d taken the gift basket inside. “It’s snowball season,” he says with a grin similar to Jem’s. “You should come! It’ll be just like old times! That is, if you’re not busy now.” Looking back to me, Tim’s grin grows. “Remember the year we teamed up against Andy, Jem and the twins? We wiped them out!”

“The twins were like, three,” I respond with an eye-roll, but I can’t help smiling a little, because Tim and I had perfectly executed a surprise attack before Andy and the girls had even had a chance to find us.

“We’ll be more help now,” Ros declares, shrugging her brows up and down.

Andy considers her carefully, before looking to me for confirmation.

“Ros is a pitcher.”

Nodding in approval, Andy grins at her. “You can definitely be on my team then. Have you been taught the secret handshake?” he asks seriously.

“Of course,” Ros says, holding out her hand. Andy takes it, shakes it, bumps it, thumps it and taking Ros’s hand, spins her like a ballerina until she comes to face him again, then they both pull a muscle pose and growl through their teeth.

“Perfect,” Andy says, grinning. Jumping back down the steps, he gestures at us from the bottom. “Come on! Let’s go!”

The others follow his lead, Tim and Ros both doing air-kicks as they jump from the steps. Still at the top, I run my eyes over Andy. He’s wearing boots and jeans with his puffer jacket. The rest of us are fully waterproof.

“You’re going to get wet and freeze.”

Andy looks down at himself, and then over his shoulder to his house. The hint of a frown darkens his face. Returning his eyes to mine, he shrugs and gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’ll be fine. I’ll change when I get home.”

My eyes raise to the Coulson place and I feel my own brows knit together as I wonder why he doesn’t just run home and change quickly. Probably his dad will make up some other excuse to keep him there instead of letting his precious son have some fun with the neighborhood riff-raff; or maybe just to keep Andy away from me. Mr. Coulson needn’t worry about that anymore though. His previous interventions have rendered any relationship between Andy and me impossible. Mission accomplished asshole; my friend was lost and my dream was shattered. Anger wells up inside me.

Jogging back into the house, I grab the hat I’ve just finished, tossing it to Andy as I shut the door and trot down the steps after the others.

“Thanks,” he says, looking at it closely and grinning as he pulls it down over his ears. “Did you make this?”

“Yeah. It’s yours. Merry Christmas.”

“I love it,” he says, his voice making my eyes snap to his. My breath catches and a sense of dread accompanies the heat in my face. Giving a brief nod, I rush ahead to catch up with the twins.

This is bad. I cannot feel things for Andy Coulson. Just play it safe, Kat. He’ll be out of your life again soon.

I use the short walk into the center of the park to gain some perspective. A brief snowball fight to give Andy time with the kids, maybe a friendly wave or two over the fence in the next few days, and then he’ll be gone again. I can do this.

“You got that Kat?” Tim asks, pelting me with a snowball to get my attention.

“Pardon?”

“You and me against all of them. The old champs vs. the old chumps.”

Nodding before I’ve really considered it, I notice Ros and Li already plotting and scheming. “Wait. They’re bigger now. And wily. I’m not sure this is a fair-”

“Too late!” Ros cuts me off. “You already agreed. Jem! Set the timer. Standard rules. All participants must engage in warfare at least twice before the survivors’ race to the bottom of the big hill. Teams get five minutes before we start to make the ammunition and discuss strategy. You guys start on that side; we’ll go over the hump. Time starts now!” She and our other opponents rush off in a mass of hushed whispers.

“Tim!” I push him ahead of me to the other side. “They’re going to have twice the ammunition.”

“And too many bosses to decide on strategy. We’re packing our bucket as fast as possible and then swinging around behind to pound ‘em before they’ve even ventured beyond the hump.”

“If they get the high ground, they’ll slam us.”

“That’s when we retreat behind the playground, reload and get up in the fort before they find us. Then we nail them.”

“And when we run out of ammo?”

“Down the slide and over to the trees. The trunks will shield us while we begin phase three of the attack. You cover me while I bury them one at a time.”

Laughing, I shake my head at him as we fill our bucket with tightly packed balls. “Have you been planning since last year?”

“You bet your ass I have. Last year you and Jem almost won. As undefeated Champ, I have a reputation to uphold. Quick,” he says, holding the bucket out for me to add two more balls. “It’s go time.”

Phase one and two work well, but sprinting for the trees whilst dressed in full snow gear, is not that easy, and while we easily leave the girls in our wake, neither of us accounted for Andy’s speed. Still in jeans, he moves much more easily.

Last down the slide, Tim is right behind me, but Andy is coming up fast. Over my shoulder, I see him catch Tim’s foot and send him face first into the snow. Doubling back, I scream at Tim to get up as I pelt Andy with freshly made balls. Seeing that the girls are almost to us, Andy shovels more snow into Tim’s face, then jumps off him, advancing on me.

Smacking him in the face with a barely formed snowball, I turn and run for my life. Hitting the trees, I weave through them as quickly as I can manage. A snowball hits a tree in front of me and I squeal, changing direction, but never slowing. Another snow bullet blasts me in the back, but I keep running, because I’m almost to the crest of the big hill.

Steaming inside my gear, I stride ahead, grateful for my long legs, and for the fitness I get from dancing every day. My lungs burning, I reach the top and am about to dive when Andy slams into me.

Spinning me around, he pulls me down with him and the next thing I know, we’re both sliding to the bottom, his arms still around me.

When we come to rest in the powder at the bottom, it’s Andy that moves first because I’m frozen; and it has nothing to do with being cold.

Hovering over me with a grin, he’s breathing hard and it makes me think terrible things. Terrible, inappropriate, impossible things. His face becomes serious as he studies mine and in the next breath, he’s leaning in. He’s leaning in!

Scared back to my senses, I try to wiggle out from under him as I hear squeals of delight approaching from above. Rearing back, Andy looks down at me in confusion. More quickly, he moves off me as his eyebrows plummet again. I feel like I should explain, but he avoids my eyes, letting me off the hook. I wouldn’t know where to start with that conversation anyway.

“I’m going again!” Li yells, followed closely by Ros. They’re already running back up the hill as Tim hurtles down it. Jem is hot on his heels, but he beats her to the bottom.

“Reigning Champion!” he cries, sliding to a full stop and raising his arms in the air before collapsing back into the snow.

“Only because you pushed your little sister into a ditch!” Jem scolds him.

“All’s fair in snow war. Our whole team arrived at the bottom before yours, so we won. Suck it!”

“Charming.” Kicking snow into his face with my foot, I laugh as he sits forward to spit it out. Glaring at me a moment, he ends up laughing too as Li comes flying down the hill and crashes into him.

Pulling himself up again, he shoves a handful of snow down Li’s collar, causing her to screech and wriggle about as it melts.

“So who made it to the bottom first?” Tim asks, still laughing.

Andy and I barely glance at each other and shrug.

“From what I saw, it looked like Andy rode Kat down the hill like a sled,” Liana says, laughing too. “So I guess it’s was a tie.”

Tim laughs harder as he looks at Andy. “You what?”

Andy’s cheeks flush a brilliant crimson and Tim’s eyes flick to mine. Feeling my own cheeks heating, I look back up the hill. “We should have brought the sleds.”

“We’ll go get them!” Ros says, pulling Li up.

“We’ll help,” Tim says, dragging Jem with him as he throws me a ‘we’ll give you guys some time to talk’ glance.

Great. Just what I need.

Andy takes the hat from his head and shakes the snow from it before pulling it back on. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he says quietly, watching Tim and Jem as they get to our back garden fence and help each other over. “I just thought you...” Frowning, he shakes his head before meeting my eyes. “You didn’t want me to kiss you.”

Shifting my eyes to the naked oaks and maples, I lift one shoulder. The problem is that I did want him to kiss me. “I don’t...” Sighing, I brush snow from my sleeves and take off my own hat, working my fingers through my hair to help cool me down. “I’m not...”

Groaning at myself, I kick the top off a mound of snow. “I haven’t seen you in over seven years. Since the last time you kissed me. A lot has happened in that time, Andy. We’re not the same people anymore. You live in New York. I live in Buffalo. I have four dependents; well, three. Tim doesn’t really need me. You probably have other people in your life; maybe a goldfish? I don’t know. You have a high maintenance career and I work two jobs. We’re busy people and kisses in the snow are nothing but empty promises made with... holiday goggles.”

“Holiday goggles?”

“A momentary lapse of judgment due to the rose-colored glasses worn by those on vacation,” I explain, making myself depressed. Holiday goggles can’t disguise the real problem, but I’ll shield him from that as best I can; by drawing the line. “It’s not real. It’ll never be real.”

“Oh,” he says quietly, looking crushed. “It felt real.”

“It did,” I agree, sinking to the ground and sitting in the snow. “Sorry.”

Sitting next to me in his wet jeans, Andy keeps his eyes on the snow. “You live in Buffalo now?”

Nodding, I pluck the little chunks of melting snow off my hat. “It’s the only way I can afford to keep everyone. Tim’s happy to supervise things at home so that I can be the financial backer.”

“And that works?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not ideal, but it works. Tim’s the day-to-day boss and I’m the overseer. We call or Skype each other all the time, and I’m home once a month to restock the freezer with nutritious meals to help ease the domestic load. Jem watches the twins after school. She’ll be off to college next year, so I’ll have to spend a bit more on babysitters to fill the gaps, but the twins are almost old enough to be left alone in the afternoons without burning the house down. We’ve managed to pay the house off, so that’s helped a lot; although there’s ongoing maintenance of course. I’m rambling now. What’s it like living in Manhattan? I bet the sidewalks are crazy-full of suits and fashionistas.”

“Crazy-full, is a good description. Sometimes you’re so crammed together, you can’t even see what other people are wearing. Sometimes the flow of foot traffic is so strong, you end up going in a direction you didn’t want to, because you’re surrounded by a mob of strangers heading that way and it takes too long to break free of them. It’s made me stronger and more determined, I think, but it sure is nice to breathe again,” he says taking in the spacious park and open sky. “What kind of work do you do? It must pay well if you’re rid of the mortgage.”

Holding my breath, I watch our back fence as four sleds are tossed over it and the kids start climbing back into the park. I haven’t told them the truth, and I’m not going to tell Andy either; for similar reasons.

“I work in a hair salon part-time, I do some bar-work, and I live with a dance crew, making meals and cleaning. They’re really good to me; like family. Board is free, it pays well, and I make a lot in tips.”

I’m not even lying, but the dishonesty of my truth-twisting makes my guts ache.

Andy just nods. “Do you dance with them too?”

“Sometimes. We danced in a charity show a few months back at the Shea’s Buffalo Theater.” I’m sure my face goes dreamy whenever I think about dancing on that stage in front of hundreds of people. “It was beautiful.”

Smiling again, Andy sighs softly. “Good for you, ThunderKat. Good for you. Did Jem get a scholarship to college?”

“A partial one. I’ll provide her living costs. She’s going to do so well for herself, Andy. Remember those screechy concerts she used to perform for us in the backyard? Well, you should hear her play the violin now. It’s breathtaking.”

Andy smiles as if he’s as proud of Jem as I am. “I’m glad everything is working out for you guys despite the hard times. You know I’m out there, if you ever need anything,” he says, searching my face for more than I can give him. “I haven’t really had any time for other people in the past few years, so I’d love to stay connected with you all.”

He says all, but his eyes stay on me, even though my siblings have arrived back with their sleds in tow.

“Thanks Andy,” Tim says, swinging an arm around his shoulders. “We missed you too. Kat cried for weeks after you left for college.”

Glaring at Tim, I snatch the sled rope from his hand and storm up the hill with it.

By the time I get to the bottom again, the girls are all on their way up. Tim takes his sled back from me with a stern look before leaving me alone with Andy again.

“Whatever it is you’re not saying, I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to share it,” Andy says, pulling me into a hug. “It’s been good to see you, Kat. You should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You’re the strongest, most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. Maybe I’ll see you later.”

Kissing my cheek as he releases me, Andy walks slowly back to his dad’s house without looking back.

“Are you nuts?” Tim asks when his sled reaches the bottom. The girls are all on their way back up, so we have a brief window of privacy.

“Why? Because I’m not kissing Andy Coulson?”

“Yes,” Tim says, completely serious. “Because you want to kiss Andy Coulson.”

“No I don’t. Just leave it Tim.”

Frowning, Tim looks towards the neighbors’ house. “But you’ve been in love with him since you were about ten. And he looks interested.”

“Well I’m not, okay? Andy and I will never work, and I’m not investing time and energy into something that will end badly.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I know it.” The absolute certainty in my voice gives Tim pause.

“Are you seeing someone else?”

“No.”

Growling at me a little, Tim sighs. “You should.” With that, he turns and walks back up the hill.