Chapter 31

Logan

It’s nearly two in the morning when I wake up from a dream about Shannon. My eyes focus in the darkness and I turn to see Hannah curled up close to me. Her naked body’s under the covers and I want to cherish her again, but fuck, I can’t.

I don’t remember everything in my dream. I remember seeing Shannon and hearing her voice. She’s asking me why and if I forgot about her.

Quietly, I get out of bed and go downstairs. I need a fucking drink. I need to push her out because this isn’t what Hannah deserves. She deserves all of me. I know she’ll understand my need for a drink.

I open my liquor cabinet and take out a new bottle of whiskey. I carry the bottle outside to the deck and drink straight from it, relishing in the familiar burn I used to love so much.

One swig turns to three, and three swigs to six.

My head’s in a fog. This is what I miss. I fucking miss the numbness and not remembering. Even though Hannah’s the light that’s saving me, this bottle is what’s keeping me from drowning.

I bring the bottle to my lips again, and before I know it, the whiskey's halfway gone. I lean back in the lounger and stare at the night sky. Everything’s clear. The tightness in my chest is gone. The vodka is carrying away the shit in my head. It’s carrying away Shannon.

My eyes get heavy and sleep comes peacefully to me.

Morning comes. I know this because the sun’s rising and the coolness fans my body. When I open my eyes, I get up and turn to see Hannah staring at me through the sliding glass door.

She’s so fucking beautiful with her hair braided to the side, and she looks perfect in her casual outfit—shorts and a sleeveless shirt. Slowly, I get up and walk inside with the bottle in my hand, and I don’t miss the expression on her face when she sees me.

“Are you okay?”

I shrug. “Not sure.” I let out a breath and put the bottle down before walking into the living room and sitting on the couch.

Hannah sits with me and hands me a cup of hot coffee, silence surrounding us, keeping words at bay and questions on board.

“I’m here for you. Whatever you need, let me know and we can do it together.”

“That’s the thing,” I whisper. “I don’t know how you can help.”

“By being here for you. I’m not leaving your side. Whatever’s on your mind, we can handle together.”

“I had a dream about Shannon last night. She kept asking why, and I don’t remember much of anything else. It’s a blur.”

“Have you recently dreamt of her?”

“No, not really. I know you told me I shouldn't feel guilty. Everyone tells me that. It's easier said than done. The guilt I have isn't because I blame myself for the accident. I blame myself for all the little things I missed. I didn't love her the way I vowed I would. When she stormed out, I didn't think about chasing after her. I thought she needed to cool off and would come home in a few hours.” I turn to look at her and gently touch her face. “Then she never came back. I almost didn't make it to her funeral. Thankfully Lincoln and Cal got me and stayed by my side."

"They're good guys."

"Yeah," I say in agreement. "I want you to know I haven’t had any woman in my bed after she died. I’m always going to miss her. She was a huge part of my life. She was my wife.”

I force the tears back with burning eyes and a tight throat. This burn is a distant memory. It’s not like the burn I freely welcome.

“My heart holds her and our memories.” My voice trembles and Hannah’s fingers entwine with my own.

“And that’s okay, babe. Shannon’s always going to be there with you.”

When she places an open palm over my heart, I quickly take her hand, and grab my keys from the counter. We’re outside and in my car. Hannah doesn’t ask me where we’re going or what we’re doing. I run my fingers through my hair and let out a heavy breath.

Once we’re where I need to be, I get out and run to her side, opening the door, and taking her hand again. We walk the stony trail, a familiar trail I remember from when I used to be here all the time.

Standing in front of her grave, I look at Hannah then at Shannon.

“This is where she’s buried,” I mumble.

Hannah lets go of my hand, kneels down, and touches Shannon’s tombstone. Her fingers trace the etched wording, and I have to hold back everything I’m feeling—the sadness, the guilt, the anger.

“Hi, Shannon. I’m Hannah, and I want you to know you’re so missed. I hope you’re watching over everyone, especially Logan.”

I listen to her talk to Shannon—so freely and openly. The burn in my eyes goes away and the soft wind brushes my body. The hairs on my arms rise and I look around. No one’s here besides us.

“Talk to her.”

Hannah interrupts my thoughts and gives me a kiss on my cheek before turning around and walking back to the car.

I watch her, and when she’s out of sight, I turn to look at Shannon and tuck my hands in my pockets.

“It’s been a while.” I cough and rub the back of my neck.

“That’s Hannah, but you already know that. She’s the best, Shan. You’d like her a lot, and something tells me you’re okay with me moving on.” I pause slightly and kneel down to face her tombstone. “I’m moving on. I think I know why you came to me last night. It took me a while to move on because I was waiting for someone to come into my life and make it better. I’m going to be better. No more drinking to make myself numb. That’s why you asked me why, wasn’t it?”

Silence.

“I’m going to be better. I’m always going to love you, but it’s time that I let you go and give my whole heart to Hannah.”

I get up from my knees and wipe the tears from my eyes. With a smile, I touch her tombstone once again and walk back to the woman who owns me.

All of me.