Chapter 36
Logan
Today's harder than the other days.
“Deep breaths, Logan.”
I turn my head and see my therapist for today—Ann.
“There you go. Now I want you to close your eyes and listen to the sound of my voice.”
I do as she says and slowly breathe in through my nose, hold it for five seconds, and slowly let the breath out through my lips. When I open my eyes, Ann is smiling at me and waiting for me to say something. For some reason, I'm comfortable with my new therapist. I'm not sure when or why I have a session with her, and I don't question it. She's a younger woman with dark hair, tied in a tight bun, and her black, rimmed glasses rest on her nose. She's soft spoken, and for the past thirty minutes, she has calmed me down immensely.
“Are you drinking your recommended amount of water? Eight full glasses?”
I nod. “Yes. I know it flushes out the toxins and refreshes my body. I even have Nurse Heather put strawberries and lemon in my water. She'll do anything for me.”
“Seems like you're the ladies’ man, Logan.”
I shrug. “Not anymore. My girl back home is waiting for me. She has been my rock since the beginning. And now we're expecting a baby. They're my reason to push myself."
“Tell me more about her.”
I tell Ann the story of Hannah and me—how we met, how we fought, how I pushed her away, how she pushed me back, and our love. I tell her everything, and for the first time in weeks I can do it without crying.
“Why do you think you still need to be here? To me, you seem healthy and happy.”
I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck and taking in a few calming breaths. “It's bad at night. The monster inside me rears its ugly head, telling me to leave and find the closest bar, and drink away everything I love. I swear the voice is fucking with me. I'm the reason why my wife is dead, and the reason why her twin sister had to move out of her hometown to start over.”
Paige and I never said bye to one another. Last week, she sent me a letter explaining how it's time for her to move on and live her life without me—that being in the same town as me is too hard and, one day, she'll come back and we'll be friends again.
“In the letter, Paige asked me to be happy and open myself up to Hannah. And I have. In almost every way. I can't tell her how hard it's getting. I don't want to cause her any stress. She may be out of the danger zone, but I don't wanna risk anything happening to her and our baby.”
“That's okay,” Ann says with a gentle tone. It seems familiar and I push that thought away. “You're going to go through so many bumps. I think the demons and guilt you carry inside you are your own doing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, bad things happen, and it's not your fault. You didn't cause the death of your wife, and the reason why Paige left. You can't control what others do. Is that something you can understand?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and hang my head. “I'm trying.”
“Good. Keep trying. We'll do this again tomorrow. For now, rest, and remember to breathe.”
For the first time, the monster doesn't come out when I lay down and close my eyes.
Instead of the monster, I see Hannah. Sweet and beautiful Hannah.
The next day, I go to my session and think I'll see Scott, my therapist, but instead, Ann's back and we go right into the session.
“Tell me more about Hannah and how she makes you happy.”
“There's this light about her. When I fought the desire and need for her, it killed me. Then I gave in and immediately felt guilty.”
“Why's that?” she curiously asks.
“Because of Shannon.”
“I need you to sit back and think. Would Shannon want you to be like this?”
“No,” I truthfully answer. “No, and I realize that now since I let Hannah all the way in. But, hell, seeing Shannon with Hannah’s brother, Michael, and knowing he was the last person Shannon texted, and then Michael died because of Shannon. Fuck. It kills me. I'm not upset anymore. I get why she did it, and I only hope she's happy in heaven and she's at peace.”
“Maybe not.”
“What?”
“Maybe she's waiting for you to be better. Fight for that, Logan. You don't need to be here anymore.”
I look at Ann and shake my head. “I didn't see any monsters. All I see is Hannah and our baby.”
“I think you have your answer. The longer you stay here, the more you're hurting her. It's true that she's waiting, but how long do you want her to wait for you?”
“I know.”
“For the first time in two years, you're finally happy. That's telling you something. Hold onto that forever because you won't find a love like Hannah's again. You're worthy of love and everything good in your life. Everything will be okay, Logan. I know it.”
I leave the office feeling a renewed sense of healing and motivation to put more effort into getting better. I go through the day, interacting with other patients and settling in the game room in an intense game of Madden.
When I head back toward my room, I see Scott walking by and stop him in the hall.
“Hey. Thanks for making sure I had a great therapist. Ann's been nothing but helpful.”
“Ann?” Scott asks confused. “Who are you talking about?”
“Ann. Your replacement. I've been seeing her these past few days in the office.”
“Logan, are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, a touch irritated. “I'm not fucking high or drunk, if that's what you're asking.”
“Not at all. You haven't had therapy in two days, so I'm a little lost, and there's no Ann who works here. Are you sure you're okay?”
What the fuck's going on?
“I'm not going crazy, Scott.”
He looks at me and nods. “Go get some rest. I think you're feeling a little overwhelmed and that's normal. We'll talk in the morning.”
“Yeah.”
I head back to my room and sit down, remembering Ann's face and the way she talked.
Ann.
Ann.
Ann.
Then it hits me. It fucking hits me like I've never been hit before.
“Shannon.” I whisper and close my eyes. “Shannon.”
The name Ann means so much to her. It was her grandmother's name, and she always said if we have a daughter, we're naming her after her grandmother.
Ann.
Ann.
Ann.
“Thank you, Shannon,” I whisper into the night, and flop over onto my back to stare into the darkness and contemplate my future.