Chapter 17

Logan

When I straighten myself, hating that I’m not close to her anymore, I’m staring at this beautiful woman who should tell me to get the fuck out of her office, to leave her alone, and never think about talking to her again. But my selfishness puts me in this spot. Ready to beg for her forgiveness and open a part of me I haven’t done in a while.

“When you left, the void was stronger in my home. The annoying songs weren’t playing and there wasn’t someone beautiful dancing in my kitchen. I miss our talks and how you listen to me even when I text you about pictures. I know you’re not playing games with me.”

“I’m glad you realize that,” she says, and keeps her eyes on me, never glancing away.

“I want you to understand I’m not perfect.”

“I don’t want perfect. When are you going to see that?”

“I want to give you perfect. You deserve perfect. You deserve it all.”

I study Hannah and frown, noticing the creases in her forehead, as if what I’m telling her isn’t what she’s heard before.

“You don't know me. How do you even know what I deserve?”

“Because…” I slowly move closer again, cupping her cheek and keeping her eyes on me. I need her to see me the way I need to see her. “When I look at you, I see someone with a big heart, and someone who loves to make other people happy.”

Guilt overcomes me, but it’s not as powerful as before. Slowly, since Hannah came into my life, it’s getting easier to breathe. I know I have a long way to go. To fully accept this, to let her in, is what life is about. My body craves her in a way it never did for Shannon. My heart beats wildly when she smiles, and my mind goes on a roller coaster ride when I listen to that song she played in my room.

“I want you to know how sorry I am, and I’ll keep apologizing until you can see that. I’m Jekyll and Hyde. I want to open up to you, but there’s this guilt about my past that I’m not ready to explain or let you in on yet. I know I’m pushing you away and then pulling you back in. You have every right to say screw it, and we can go back to having a professional relationship. I hope that’s not what you want, though.”

She sighs again and leans back into her chair, her hands scrunching her hair and her chest rising and falling.

“I get what you’re saying. I truly do. It hurts me to think you would think about me in that way. I’m not doing anything to replace Shannon or take you away from her. Hell, I have no idea who Shannon is, and I told you whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here. Listen, I care so much about you, and I am falling for you. But, I know my self-worth, and I won’t stand for being treated that way. One minute you start to open up, and then the next you’re in a fit of rage. I get whiplash from your emotions. I’m going to finish up in the office then I’ll talk to you later. Okay?”

I can see anything I’m about to tell her won’t do any good, so I give her a nod and walk out of her office.

There’s only one place I need to go to get my head on straight.

When I arrive at the house, I follow the familiar driveway to the stony mosaic path, and once I’m on the front porch, I lift my hand and knock two times. The door opens to a scowling, pissed-off woman, standing before me with her arms crossed.

“And?”

“She needs time,” I slowly mutter, and when she moves aside, I step inside and sit on their soft couch, waiting to get my ass chewed out.

“You need to understand she’s not experienced with dating. She’s only had one serious boyfriend and has only been with one guy. I told her I think she’s using you as a rebound.”

This gets my attention.

“But I don’t think she has the heart to do that. The thing about Hannah is when she loves or cares about someone, she’s all in. All. In. So stop hurting her. Even though you might not be doing it intentionally, you need to give her space and realize she’s not some toy you can toss around and pull out when you feel like playing with it.”

I’m too ashamed to look at Eden, so I keep my head down. I hear some shuffling and look to see Lincoln telling Eden something. I listen closely and he’s asking her to give him a few minutes before she comes to talk to me.

Blowing out a breath, I watch Lincoln move around in his living room, circling the couch, until he’s sitting down across from me.

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.”

My heart shatters. I think about the way I treated her and accused her of doing something she clearly wasn’t.

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“It’s pretty simple to understand,” he explains. “You’re falling for her and you’re too blind to see that because you’re afraid. She’s not Shannon. What happened to her was a tragedy. I’m still sad thinking about how I won’t see her again, either. You’re not the only one hurting. I loved her like a sister, man.”

“I know.”

“So, make it right.”

A frustrated moan escapes me and I get up from the couch and walk to the windows. I move the curtains and take a moment to gaze at the world around me. The street’s quiet. Some cars are parked in their respective driveways and there are a few people out running, walking their dog, and working in their yards. Life is going by while I’m frozen in the past. I’m holding on so tight because if I let go, then I’ll forget her. And if I forget her, then I’ll wonder if she was real.

“It might be too late. I said some fucked-up shit to her.”

“The only way you’ll get her to forgive you is when you find it in yourself to open up to her. Let her in. She wants to be there for you.”

I turn to Lincoln, cross my arms over my chest, and take in what he’s saying.

“She’s seen you at your worst and is still hanging around. You’re falling in love with her, man. I can see it.”

My response is natural as I nod and say the words I’ve been feeling. “Slowly, I’m falling in love with her. But I haven’t known her that long, yet every day it’s her on my mind.”

When I close my eyes, I see Hannah. She’s all I see. She’s what makes sense in my crazy mind. If I don’t see her, a piece of me is missing, and until I see her or hear her voice, I can’t easily breathe.

Before I can say anything, Eden walks in and huffs before sitting next to Lincoln. She eyes me up and down, and I’ve never felt as uneasy as I do right now.

“You hurt my best friend. She’s vulnerable right now. This is her start over, so like I said before, if you don’t care about her, and if you think she’s some easy target, then leave her alone.”

“I know, but I don’t see her like that.”

“Really?” she questions. “I just got off the phone with her and she was in tears. She has no idea why she’s even crying, yet she is, and you’re over here pouring your heart out to Lincoln when you should be doing that to Hannah. I may not know what you’ve been through, but I know enough that your life hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been easy for Hannah, either. She lost her brother to drugs and had to support her parents during that time, along with finishing school. Losing a loved one is so hard, I can’t imagine it. But what you’re doing to her is wrong. Either man the fuck up or leave her alone, because as strong as Hannah may think she is, I know she’s about to break even more, and I don’t want to see that happen to my best friend.”

I take in everything Eden’s saying. She’s right. I need to figure this shit out now or leave her alone. I’ve already hurt two women, and I don’t want to add her to the list.