Chapter 3

Hannah

 

Logan: Hey. I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay.

Me: Actually I’m just walking up the stairs and to my bedroom.

Logan: It’s almost three. Party hard?

Me: A little. But I’m not drunk or anything. Me and the girls spent most of the night talking about what we’re gonna do next and promise to keep in touch.

Logan: At least you have Eden.

Me: Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s the sister I never had. Haha. Why are you still up?

Logan: I woke up a few minutes ago. Can’t sleep.

Me: Everything okay?

Logan: For the most part. Just got a lot on my mind.

Me: I know we hardly know each other, but if you need to talk or anything I’m a great listener.

Logan: Something happened a few years ago and I can’t let it go. I don’t want to get too much into it.

Me: I understand. Whatever happened, I know that pain doesn’t have an expiration date. If you need more time to heal then you take that time. What I’ve learned is when we feel alone, hurt, or angry the best thing to do is give yourself time to heal and never rush it. Some people need a few extra days. Some need months. And some need years. But, regardless of the time needed, it will get easier.

Logan: You think so?

Me: I truly believe that we’re not meant to dwell on the sadness. What we experience in life helps us grow and empowers us to move forward and do something good in our life.

Logan: Is it okay if we have moments of weakness? When we’re drowned by the memories and can’t find a way out.

Me: Yes. We’re human and we feel. The pain you’re feeling is letting you know you’re alive and that one day it will get easier. Whenever we’re in pain, it’s best to think of one good thing in your life, and focus on that. Focus on the great things, and it’ll get easier.

Logan: I hope so.

Me: It will.

Logan: Thank you for your advice. I’m gonna try to get some sleep and you should do the same since you’re graduating in a few hours.

Me: Ugh. Yeah. For some odd reason we have to be there by 10 and then my grad party’s starting at 2. It’s gonna be a long day.

Logan: I hope you have a great graduation ceremony and party.

Me: Thank you! Sweet dreams.

Logan: Sweet dreams.

 

 

Graduating college is a milestone most adults savor. It's the day we're given a new path to venture. This adventure is supposed to shape us into adults and further what we want in life. All our hard work pays off when we walk across the stage, accept our diploma, and turn to face our family members in the audience as they cheer our name. It’s one of the best moments of our lives.

After years of studying, prepping for exams, gaining weight, making friends, and building relationships, the future is here.

People think about that day, but when it happens, they're not prepared for the emotions that accompany leaving. It’s like a baby bird finally leaving its nest for the first time. It’s time to spread its wings and fly, and pray that a hawk doesn’t attack it and take it down into the darkness.

My parents are throwing me an intimate graduation party at our home. We're surrounded by close family and friends. I didn't want anything too fancy, against my mother's wishes. To her, graduating college is a tremendous accomplishment and should be celebrated for the world to hear. Honestly, I want to spend this time with the ones who mean the most to me since I'm moving out of state and won't have chances like these as often as I'd like.

The wineglasses clink, and everyone wishes me the best on the next chapter of my life.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” my mom cries, and pulls me into her chest for a hug. “Be sure to come home every now and then, okay?”

“I promise, Mom.”

Next, it’s my dad, and of course he does the protective dad speech about stranger danger, and always carrying mace. I roll my eyes and lean on his shoulder.

“I’m twenty-two,” I remind him, and he presses his warm, dry lips to my forehead.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re fifty years old. To me, you’ll always be my little girl. No matter what happens, this is your home and will always be your home. I know things haven’t been easy, and I can’t thank you enough for helping your mom and me. We should’ve been the parents, not you. I’m so sorry we put you in that position.”

A tear runs down my cheek and I nod, understanding his words. The day our lives were turned upside down, it was my turn to take care of my parents and be the strong one.

I got through it. We all got through it.

“We’re family, Dad. I did what I had to, and I don’t regret it. You and Mom took care of me while I was growing up. It was my turn, and whatever you need, I’m only four hours away. I’ll be sure to come back often and visit.”

“I know, but this is your time, sweetheart. Spread your wings, and remember that you always have a place here. Don’t forget that we’re cheering you on. Always.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I whisper and look around the room before checking my watch for the time. “I wonder where Aaron is.”

I take out my phone, but I don't see any missed calls or messages, so I send him a text message asking him if he's on the way. I put my phone away and I walk around and talk to my cousins for a few minutes, thanking them for coming over, and we catch up with our plans.

I excuse myself to check my phone and there's still nothing from Aaron. It's not like him to not text me back.

“Still no word from Aaron?” my mom asks.

“No. I'm getting kinda worried. He should be here by now. Will it be okay if I go over to his apartment and make sure he's okay?”

“Yeah, honey, that's fine. If you need anything, just call.”

I nod and pardon myself from the party and mouth to Eden, my best friend, that I'll be back.

When I grab my clutch and car keys from the counter, the doorbell rings, and I quickly answer it.

“Good afternoon. Delivery for Hannah Harris?”

I raise my hand in the air. “That's me.” I eye the beautiful bouquet of pink and white lilies. “My goodness. Please come in. The flowers can go on the counter,” I instruct him.

While he's putting down the bouquet, I unzip my clutch and pull out a ten dollar bill and hand it to him.

“Thank you , miss. Have a great day.”

"You as well."

Eden pops over and snatches the card from the flowers before I can. She reads the message, tilts her head to look at me, and reads the card again.

“Eden?”

She hands me the card without saying anything and leans back against the kitchen counter, putting her champagne glass to her lips, and taking a long drink.

I read the glossy card and my mouth slightly drops.

Congratulations on your graduation day. I'll see you soon.

Logan

“Whoa.”

“Are you sure nothing happened that night between you two?” I shake my head. “Damn.”

“I know,” I mutter. “I wonder how he found out my address. I never gave it to him. So weird.” I gaze at the flowers, reaching over, and running my fingers through the smooth petals. “Okay. I need to go.” I rush out of my house and pull out my phone before sliding into my car and starting the engine.

 

Me: I just got the flowers. They're beautiful. Thank you so much. How'd you know my address? LOL. Stalker much?

Logan: Google is a wonderful tool.

Me: I never told you my last name though. I'm worried about your stalker tendencies. Maybe I should change my number and not move to NY.

Logan: Haha. It helps that my best friend is talking to your best friend. He told me what I needed to know.

Me: I need a new best friend then. HA. Just kidding. But, thank you again. Honestly. That was so sweet of you.

Logan: My pleasure. How'd your ceremony go?

Me: Lovely. I'm actually leaving my party for a few minutes. I haven't heard from my boyfriend since the ceremony ended so I'm gonna head over to his place to see if everything's okay.

Logan: Hope so. No texting and driving. I'll talk to you soon.

Me: K! Talk soon.

 

Driving about ten minutes to Aaron’s apartment, I turn on the radio and one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, “I Knew You Were Trouble,” blares from the speakers. At the stop light, with the windows down, I belt out the chorus and throw my own little concert for the car next to mine.

“Keep singing, girl!”

I turn to the side and see a car full of women cheering and singing with me.

“Yeah!” I yell. The light turns green and I wave bye.

I bounce in my car seat and continue driving to Aaron's. He’s probably on a call or on his computer doing work. I swear he’s a workaholic. It’s one of the things I love about him. He’s career driven, like I am. We talk about the future and are ready to move forward. It’s exciting to think about what’s next for us. The biggest smile is on my face, like the kind where you show your pearly whites and there’s that certain sparkle in your eyes. Yeah, that smile.

When I get to Aaron's apartment complex, I notice his silver Audi convertible in his parking spot. I walk to the door and use my key to enter the building and walk to the elevator, pressing the cool up button and wait for the doors to open. The elevator door opens after a few seconds and I step in and press the number five on the wall and wait. The ding alerts me and I walk off and head toward Aaron's apartment. I'm humming the Taylor Swift song when I use my key to open the door and step inside.

When the door opens, I choke on the sob that's stuck in my throat. I can’t believe what I see in front of me. My chest tightens and I quickly slap my hand over my mouth.

What is love? That wonderful feeling should be about honesty, commitment, and tender moments, right? When you give your heart away to that one person you see as your life partner, heartbreak like this isn't supposed to happen. Am I being naive? Is my world so sheltered that I don't realize how awful heartbreak can be?

Why does love push a hand into your chest, searching for your heart, squeezing the life out of you, and watches you cry, and listens to you scream.

“Fuck. Hannah!” Aaron shouts, and yanks his boxers and jeans that were crumpled around his ankles.

I got him those jeans. Those very expensive jeans, ones I thought would look so nice on him.

I look up and see him putting on a light gray sweater.

I got him that sweater, too. It was his birthday a few months ago. The big twenty-eight. I spent so much time planning his surprise party at ONE nightclub, inviting his friends and making sure everyone had a great night. I gave up a night of studying for a major test just so he had fun on his birthday.

He walks toward me and I look around him, over his shoulder to see the unknown girl cover herself with a blanket that I also bought him when he got this apartment. We spent so many nights under that cozy, baby-blue blanket on the couch, watching movies, cuddling, and whispering our love to one another.

Who is she? Is she better than me?

She has to be. Her legs had been high in the air as he fucked her hard. Aaron was never like that with me. When we made love, it was romantic and gentle. He kept his eyes on me and whispered how much I meant to him, and that one day I’d be his wife.

“Four years,” I mutter, and watch him rush toward me. “Four years,” I cry out again, and his sweltering hands squeeze my waist. “Why?”

“Baby, please. I need you to listen to me, okay?” His voice shakes with fear and his brows furrow a little as he drags his hands from my waist to my face. His grip on my jaw gets a little tighter. “This was nothing. Jane and I got caught up in the moment. I am so sorry, Hannah. Baby, please look at me and say something.”

“Jane? Your assistant?” I screech and remember him telling me about her. I thought they were friends. I thought she had a boyfriend. “Was she better than me?”

“No, no, not -”

I hiccup and fling his hands from my body. “She had to have been, right? You never touched me like that. You never said those things to me.” I sob, placing my hand over my lips and my other hand over my chest. “I gave you everything. All of me. We were supposed to start our life together.”

I close my eyes, remembering last night when he told me he’ll be moving next month with me. We were going to live with Eden, and he was going to get us a house the following year.

“I’m so sorry,” he cries and cups my face with treacherous hands.

I stay still. My body is frozen, unable to turn and leave his apartment. My attention turns to Jane as I catch her slinking toward the door.

“Don't you dare leave.”

She stops and turns around, one slow step at a time. Her gaze searches for Aaron’s then she drops her head and stares at the floor. “I-I'm really sorry,” she apprehensively mumbles.

“You knew about me. I called the office several times and we talked. You asked me how we were doing. You were so sweet whenever I called, and now I come over and find you being fucked by my boyfriend? In what universe is this alright ?”

“Jane, please just fucking go!”

Before I can say anything more, Jane stumbles out the door. My back remains to Aaron. I can't look him.

“You have to know how sorry I am and how I know I fucked up. We're going to start our life together, Hannah, just like we always planned, okay? It’s just you and me, baby. Forever.”

When I hear the word “forever” something in me snaps. Before I know it, I whirl around and my fist connects with his cheek.

His head snaps to the side and he quickly recovers. The anger rises and all I want to do is hit him so he feels the pain I'm feeling. My fists are pounding on his chest. Aaron tries blocking my assault. He grabs me, throws me over his shoulder and stalks from the living room and into his bedroom.

“Stop,” he roars and tosses me on his bed. “Just stop!”

“Me stop? Are you fucking serious?” My eyes are burning with resentment. I get up and push him away. “Why, Aaron?”

“I don't know,” he mutters. “I'm not sure why I did that to you. I got caught up in the moment and I know that isn't an excuse. It happened and I’m fully aware I've fucked up.”

“You think?”

“Can we please talk?”

“Absolutely not,” I scream. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a framed picture of us on his nightstand. That picture is my favorite. We're standing on the beach, holding each other, and he's kissing my temple. I'm beaming from his kiss and we're so happy.

I grab the frame, smash it against his nightstand, and toss it on his bedroom floor.

“Hannah,” he whispers, and I see him sitting on the floor with his back to the wall. “I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry. So fucking sorry.”

“It's not enough. There will never be words that will make this better. Cheating is something I can't forgive and forget. If I didn't walk in would you have told me?”

“I don't know,” he mutters. “I was going to ask you to marry me tomorrow morning. You know, before you left for New York.”

His words resound in my ears. If I didn't catch him with Jane, those words would make my heart sing. I'd jump over the sun and moon.

Those words play on in my head, a direct hit to my heart and soul. I've longed for those words for so long, and now he's tainted them with memories of Jane's legs in the air as he fucked her like a maniac.

I sit down on the edge of his bed, my fingers tangled together, trying to hold back the tears. I'm too wrapped up in hearing Jane's moans that I don't hear Aaron getting up and bending down to me. His hands are on mine. I can't move. I can't do anything.

“Talk to me,” he murmurs, and places his head on my lap.

“There's nothing to say. It's over, Aaron,” I calmly tell him. “I’ve forgiven you so many times over the years and this time I can’t forgive you. This is something I can’t forgive or forget. This is something we won’t be able to overcome. It’s over.”

“Fuck no,” he cries. “No, don't say that. Please, Hannah.”

His tears fall to my hands as his head rests on my lap. I find my own tears falling. As angry as I am, my heart's broken. The betrayal's killing me.

I pull my hands from beneath his head and comb my fingers through his thick hair. Hot, unshed tears sting my eyes. The voice inside my head screams to get the hell out and never look back. My body and mind aren't connecting. I want to stay and be in this moment one more time because I know I'm leaving as soon as I'm able to. It hurts too much to be here, knowing he cheated on me. The images of him fucking Jane imprint in my memory. I'll never forget. I look down and my fingers are moving on its own accord.

I used to love this so much, the softness of his strands sifting through my fingers, the way my petting would release the scent of his shampoo, the sound of his slowing breaths. It brought me comfort.

As always his warm body relaxes in my lap; he sighs.

But I ignore the urge to comfort him further. Instead, I rake my fingers through his hair one last time, savoring this moment, and swallow the painful lump in my throat. “Good…goodbye, Aaron.”

I push him aside and rush from the apartment. When I'm outside, I let out a breath and see the sun dipping down into the horizon and bright colors of yellow, orange, and pink spray along the skyline. It’s peaceful out here and it gives me clarity. The clarity I need in order to know I’m better than that.

Jane can have Aaron. I’m moving on.