The weird thing about life was that it just kept moving on. I watched the days pass by with little interest. It was times like this that I was grateful I was an accountant. There were no emotions in numbers. You could always count on them to be there when you needed them. When it came to work productivity, I’d never been quicker or more efficient than I was now, in the throes of grief. The faster I worked, the more files flooded my inbox, and I attacked them with vigor, feeling nothing but gratitude for their sterile distraction.

After spending four weeks with my family, I returned to Jake and the tour. Although he’d been ready to call it off altogether, my mother made him promise to continue on like nothing had happened. But something had happened and now everything was different. The joy was gone. I stopped going to Jake’s concerts. The excitement of the crowd, once the source of much enjoyment, now rang hallow to me. How could anyone be happy in a world where my brother no longer existed?

I cried a lot now. Sometimes it was as little as a swelling of tears in my eyes, but other times it went all the way up to gargantuan crying marathons that lasted hours and involved anyone unlucky enough to cross my path. Usually that person was Jake.

Although he was outwardly supportive, I could feel him pulling away… or maybe it was me pushing him in that direction. I wasn’t sure if there was a difference, really. Either way, I felt the distance between us as if we were separated by oceans. Intimacy was a thing of the past, as I couldn’t seem to coax my body into feeling anything but numbness. The last time we’d tried, I was more like a limp rag doll than a vibrant young newlywed wife. It wasn’t like I wanted it to be that way, I just couldn’t come up with any way around the pain that stabbed into my heart on an hourly basis.

The ‘Fun Time Leader’ that the crew had counted on to brighten up their stops along the way was no more. The magic was gone, and each city blended into the next in a haze of monotony. I began wandering, sometimes for hours on end, just going wherever my feet would take me. The first time I wandered, it caused a panic between Jake and his security crew, so now I was assigned a bodyguard at every stop.

Today’s trek had led me to a quaint Main Street in the old part of town where I found a comfortable Deli and Bakery with an outdoor seating area. Glancing around my surroundings, I took in the sight and smells; young and old alike were milling around, waiting for their thinly sliced meat on fresh baked bread. I’d found myself here after a good four-mile walk. At least it was good for me. Poor Dom, today’s reluctant bodyguard, was currently resting his weary feet at a table off in the corner.

His bald head was flushed crimson, and droplets of sweat raced down his face like rain on a windshield. It was clear he wasn’t used to getting this type of cardio workout. Or maybe it was just the duration of walk that had done him in. After this hike, he was sure to ask for reassignment. What did I care? If Jake insisted on having me followed, then his cronies had damn well better be able to keep up.

A screaming toddler pulled my focus off Dom. Good lord, the kid had a set of lungs on him. I watched the young mother with interest as she tried to get her offspring in line. But he wasn’t having any of it, and threw his body onto the floor in a display of unmatched fury. Instead of inspiring me to move away from the tantrum, the boy’s rage actually brought a smile to my face. What could possibly be so terrible in his little world to warrant such a reaction?

With her baby girl in one arm, the mother attempted to right her small charge, but he’d taken to arching his back in protest. The woman glanced at me, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. I smiled at her sympathetically.

“You like babies?” she asked, ready to hand hers off to me. I don’t know. Did I? I used to love children, but now even they held no joy for me. “This looks like it’ll be a two-hand job.”

I held out my arms for her. Why not? What else did I have to do? Besides, Dom needed a breather before I led him back to the stadium. The moment the warm little bundle was placed in my arms, I felt an instant thawing of my steely heart. The baby peered up at me, her eyes so filled with wonder at the world around her. Her innocence captivated me. I ran my finger along the top of her nose and the baby reached up to grab it. I beamed at the sweet thing. The mother looked up from the deep negotiation she was having with her toddler to check on us. Again we exchanged smiles, and she resumed the task at hand.

Returning my attention to the baby, I was surprised to see she was still watching me intently, and I wondered what she saw. I could only imagine how unimpressed she must be. But then again, maybe babies had superpowers that we adults just overlooked. Maybe this baby girl could see past the sadness. Maybe old Casey was in there smiling back at her. The thought gave me a surprising measure of peace. I was still me; wounded, but me.

Feeling lighter than I had in weeks, I made a fish face, mugging for my infant audience until she let loose the most adorable giggle I think I’d ever heard in my life. It was music to my ears, and for the first time in a long while, I laughed. Holding this treasure gave me a feeling of pure, unbridled happiness.

Suddenly I understood what needed to be done to turn this out of control train around: I needed a baby. Jake and I needed a baby. It was the only answer that made sense to me and it had been right in front of me all along. So what if Jake hadn’t worked out his issues with being a father? He could always just learn on the job. We could do this. I could come out of this tragedy intact. All I needed was one of these.

I hadn’t even realized I was crying until the baby’s mother stared at me in alarm.

“Oh,” I smiled, wiping the tears away. “Sorry. She’s just so beautiful.”

The tension eased off her face as I handed the baby back.

“Are you all right?” she asked, her forehead furrowed in worry.

“I will be, in about nine months.”

* * *

Giving Dom a break, I allowed him to call for a ride. I needed to get back to Jake as quickly as possible. If all went as planned, I’d be on my back within the hour. Jake was in the bus with Sean going over the night’s playlist when I burst through the door. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight before him. I was smiling.

Sean looked between the two of us and excused himself. Once he left, I flung myself on Jake, kissing him all over. And instead of asking me a series of questions, he just accepted the sudden change for what it was: a welcome relief.

“You’re a breath of fresh air,” he said, working his lips around the back of my neck where he knew it drove me wild.

“I feel good, babe. I finally figured it out.”

“Figured what out?”

“How to recover from the loss.”

Jake extracted his lips from my skin and appeared every bit as interested in my magical cure as I had been at the deli. “How?”

“A baby,” I said, nearly clapping out my excitement.

“A baby?” he queried, with none of my glee.

“Yes. A baby,” I confirmed, grabbing his hands and pulling him onto the sofa with me. “Hear me out.”

I went on to explain what happened at the deli and the reasoning behind the decision, and although he didn’t seem entirely convinced, Jake didn’t veto the plan either. Not that he really could, anyway. The last couple of months had seen a shift in the balance of our relationship. While we had once been equals, the power now tipped in my direction. His whopping hang-ups, which had always ruled our world, had all but taken a backseat to mine.

I told Jake that the pain I felt on a daily basis was like a heavy fog that couldn’t dissipate because there was no sunshine to scare it away. Babies were sunshine. I spoke of recovery and happiness, something that would come when I had my own child to dote on. And surprisingly, Jake hung on my every word, the hope in his eyes a telling sign of the weeks of struggle we’d experienced together.

Of course, I understood that was why he was being so pliable with my idea in the first place. He was ready to grab for any rope I dangled in front of him. My poor husband just wanted peace back and was willing to sacrifice his own well-being for the sake of it. If I was promising him a better, less stressful life, he was inclined to slurp up the Kool-Aid I was pouring.

“If that’s what you think will make you happy, Casey, I’m willing to try. But you have to do something for me then… actually a couple of things.”

“Okay what?”

“No more wandering. And you and I need to start talking again like we used to. We need to be the pair we’ve always been. If you can promise me that, I will do my best to give you a baby.”

I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. That was a deal I was more than willing to make.

Say what you will about my ill-conceived notion that a child was the answer to life’s problems, but trying to conceive had started the healing process, even if it was only one tiny baby step at a time. My mind wasn’t constantly consumed with death anymore, and I was able to venture back into the world. I returned to the sidelines of his concerts and took joy in his successes once again. And as my mood improved, Jake took notice, and our playful banter returned.

That didn’t mean there wasn’t any more crying, because there was, lots of it, but it seemed more manageable now, like there was a beginning and an end to the sadness. Things were still hard and the setbacks all-consuming, but now I knew I could survive this. I was stealthy enough to move through this world until my strength returned. And with Jake by my side, I couldn’t fail.