Don’t kill him. Just hear him out. Maybe he has a valid reason. No, you know what? He’s leaving you at the altar. Kill the bastard.

As I walked out of the bridal room and into the hallway, I could feel him lapping at my heels. I spun on the pointed toe of my beautiful Jimmy Choo glitter pumps only to have him nearly crash into me. Without waiting for an explanation, I placed my hand on his chest and shoved him away with every last bit of strength I had in me.

“Casey…please let me…”

Oh, no. If he thought he was getting the first word in this altar-dumping, he was sadly mistaken. Not only would I be taking the first word but also the third, and very last one to boot.

“I asked you last night if you wanted to talk!” Each word in the sentence became progressively louder until I was shouting the final bit. At this point, I wasn’t even trying to spare the ladies on the other side of the wall. If I was going down, everyone would be going along for the ride.

Mimicking Jake, I began ticking off memorized lines straight from his lying mouth. “‘I’m fine, Casey,’ ‘I’m just nervous, Casey,’ ‘I want to marry you, Casey.’ That’s what you said!” For good measure, I shoved him again.

Although my throat burned a bit from the shrieking, I was pleased with how successful I’d been in impersonating his voice. Maybe I’d added a touch too much ‘whiny bitch’ to my impression of him; but then, the dream crusher deserved every tiny little thing coming his way.

My ex-fiancé seemed uncertain of how to calm the wild banshee in me, so he attempted the old ‘Talk the jumper off the roof’ strategy by lifting both arms up in a calming gesture and slowly walking toward me in soothing strides. Surprisingly the approach seemed to be having the desired effect on me, and I was contemplating hearing him out, but then he recklessly miscalculated by placing his pointer finger to his lips and saying, “Casey, shhh.”

“Do not ‘shush’ me!” I snarled through gritted teeth. “You have some nerve! I just can’t believe you! You’re leaving me? Is that what this is? You’re leaving me AT THE ALTAR?!? Do you have any idea what a diabolical douchebag that makes you?!”

“I’m not…”

Perhaps Jake was trying to answer my question, but I was in no mood to give him that chance. Waving my irate hand in his face, I continued my tirade. “Listen, sparky! I’m not interested in your half-witted excuses. How dare you? I’m just… I can’t even look at you right now, turd-bucket!”

Holy hell! That expression on his face had better not be amusement.

“Casey, can you let me talk?”

“No. I think we’re past explanations, you…you… polynomial pissant!” Oh, crap… had I just insulted him with a math term? Yes. Yes, I had. Dammit, I needed to focus. “We’re at the point now where I kick your ass across state lines.”

Oh, my god! Was he laughing at me? Unable to control the rage, I opened my fingers and let my palm fly straight for Jake’s face. Impressively, he caught my wrist mid-slap.

“Whoa, okay, right to the violence,” he said, looking more entertained than anything else.

“Oh, you’re going to get worse than that, dipwad! You realize my whole family is out there… aunts, uncles, cousins. I’ve even got second cousins once removed waiting for me to walk down the aisle. And my poor Aunt Betty – they wheeled her here from the hospital, Jake. The hospital!”

“It’s not like she was dying,” he said, releasing my wrist. “She had bunion surgery.”

“I don’t care!” I shouted. How dare he downgrade her very real medical condition! “She’s here, her toe doubled in size, and now, like all the others, she will get to witness my complete and utter disgrace!”

“I didn’t come here to break it off with you.”

I tried to focus on his face, but the furor had me seeing double. Please tell me he wasn’t proposing what I thought he was proposing? Did he seriously think I’d even consider continuing to date him after he callously dumped my ass at the altar?

“Oh, huh,” I tapped my finger to my lips trying to pretend like I was actually giving his outrageous proposal some merit. “So what you’re saying is – you just want to go back to where we were BEFORE you humiliated me in front of everyone. Wow. How convenient for you. Yeah, I don’t think so, assbutt.”

Dammit. I really needed to cool it with the insults. Now I was just grabbing any two off-colored words and hooking them together.

“The wedding’s still on,” he said, rushing the words out before I could stop him again. “If you’ll still have me after you hear me out.”

“What? I don’t… why would you pull me out here just before the ceremony?”

“We need to talk. There’s something I’ve been trying to tell you all morning, but one thing after another has been getting in the way. And then when I finally did make it to you…well… obviously, I miscalculated what your reaction would be.”

I could hear him talking, but he might as well have been speaking an alien dialect for all the words meant to me. I opened and closed my mouth numerous times without any sound until Jake came to the rescue, sort of, by transforming his hand into a talking puppet to illustrate his point. Finally I understood.

“Hold on there. Are you telling me that you scared the living baby squirrels out of me so we could have a nice little pre-wedding chat? Have you ever heard of the talking device called a phone, genius?”

The sheepish grin gave me the first bit of relief since his teary-eyed invasion set me on a collision course with crazy town. Maybe the wedding really was still on; but if that were the case, it made Jake the stupidest groom to have ever roamed this earth. I slapped his chest with my perfectly manicured hand.

“Would you please stop hitting me? You really need anger management classes. And assbutt? Where do you come up with that shit? I mean how awesomely redundant was that?”

All the tension dropped from my body as I felt the tiniest of smiles grace my face. “Well, you know, I do have a gift for the spoken word.”

He nodded in amusement.

“So, what are you saying?” I asked, still shaken. “Are we still getting married?”

“It depends. Are you going to continue hitting me?”

Jutting my chin out, I answered defiantly, “It depends. Are you going to marry me?”

We stared at one another a moment before dissolving into laughter. Once we’d quieted down, I slapped his chest again just because I needed to.

“What were you thinking, Jake? Do you have any idea how bad that looked back there? And why were you crying?”

“I wasn’t crying. When I walked into that room, it felt like someone squirted a napalm bomb in my eyes. The tears just started pouring. You know how sensitive my eyes are.”

Tears pooled in my own eyes as I struggled to keep the disappointment at bay.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jake pulled me into his arms, guilt evident in his remorseful face. “I’m so sorry I scared you.”

“It’s not that… it’s just, we can’t ever have that moment now.”

“What moment?”

“When you see me for the first time as I walk down the aisle. And your eyes fill with love and you think to yourself that I’m the most beautiful bride ever. That moment is ruined. I just don’t understand. I mean, I thought Boris and I were pretty clear with you about all the rules. Your only job was to follow them.”

He dipped his head into my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. But if it’s any consolation, I had that moment when I saw you at the end of the bridesmaid tunnel. You took my breath away, and I promise, you were, and are, the most gorgeous bride I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, I would have taken more time to marvel had you not turned into bridezilla and started calling me the world’s greatest insults. Sparky? Babe, that was epic.”

I nodded, returning his smile. “I don’t think I can stress enough how much you deserved it.”

“No, I got the gist of it.”

“So what did you come to say to me that was so important it couldn’t wait until after we got married?”

The mood shifted, and Jake’s relaxed demeanor turned troubled. “You asked me a question last night. I came here to answer it.”

I knew instantly this wouldn’t be something I wanted to hear. “Okay,” I answered, hesitantly.

“I should have told you last night, I know that. I just have so much trouble opening up. And then I had a bad night… didn’t sleep much… I felt terrible about lying, and I just really needed to see you.”

Regardless of the stunt he’d just pulled, my heart ached. I knew what rough nights were like for him, and I wouldn’t wish those on my worst enemy. “You want to tell me about your bad night?”

“Just… nightmares.”

“Ray?”

He didn’t answer, but his sudden rigidness answered my question.

“Don’t let him take this day away from you, Jake,” I whispered, lifting my hand to stroke his strong jawline.

“It’s not just that, Casey. I should have come clean with you yesterday. I’ve been worried about getting married, not because I don’t want to be your husband, but because I don’t want to let you down. You have all these ideas about what you want our life to be like, and I just… I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Do what?”

“Give you what you want. I don’t know if I can be the husband you expect, or deserve, and I sure as shit don’t think I can be the type of father you want for your kids.”

What the hell was he saying? And where the hell was this all coming from? Trying to regain my composure, I smoothed down my dress and cleared my throat before asking the question I feared the answer to: “Are you saying you don’t want children?”

“It’s not that I don’t want them, but I see Finn and how natural he is with Indiana, and I feel like… no, I know… I can’t be like that.”

The revelation rocked me to my core. I’d just taken for granted that he was into the whole fatherhood thing. We’d talked enough about it, and he’d never voiced concern in the past… or had he? Suddenly, it occurred to me that every time I brought it up, Jake humored me before changing the subject. This had been in front of me all along, but I hadn’t seen it because I didn’t want to. How many other things had he been hiding from me in plain sight?

“You can’t possibly know how you’ll be as a father until you are one.”

“I know, it’s just…I’ve thought a lot about this recently, and I’m just not sure.”

“You’re breaking my heart right now, Jake.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to leave me, but I can’t let you go into this marriage under false pretenses.”

“I’m going to ask you again – do you want to have kids with me?”

“I do… but at the same time, I don’t.”

“That’s not an answer, and I need to know this, Jake, because that’s something we’ve always agreed on wanting – or at least I thought we did, and now if you’re changing your mind…” I stopped talking and looked away. What exactly was I saying? Was I really willing to give him up if he didn’t want to make babies with me?

“I want them, Casey. I do. But the thing is, someday the kid is going to grow up and hear stuff about me. How can I explain what happened in a way that won’t scar our kid for life? Is it really right to bring a kid into the world who’s going to have to live under my umbrella with all the crap it covers? I just… if I had kids, I’d want them to be proud of me.”

“Of course they’d be proud of you. You’re so much more than just one horrific act perpetrated against you twelve years ago. You can’t base your future on what happened in the past.”

“You don’t understand. My past will never go away, and our kid will be the one to pay the price one day.”

Tears were slipping down my cheeks now. It felt like my world was imploding. The two things I wanted most didn’t want each other. “Your kid will be proud of you no matter what, Jake,” I said, feebly.

“Sure, but he’ll also be embarrassed by me. I deal with enough shame, Case. I can’t feel that way with a child.”

“But these are all things you can work on. You should never have to feel shame.”

Jake looked away, not meeting my eye, and I knew then that he was telling me the truth. This was something that was eating him up inside.

“Okay, look. If you’re not ready to start a family, then I’m willing to wait… as long as you promise me that you will work through the issues.”

“You mean more therapy.”

“Yes, that’s what I mean.”

Jake dropped his head to study the floor as his hands clenched in frustration. “Therapy makes me feel worse.”

“Then we find someone else. You just have to try harder. I’ve seen you when you truly want something. You don’t back down. So don’t give up on our kids. Bartholomew and Enid need you.”

“Who are Bartholomew and Enid?”

“Our future nerdy, rocker babies.”

“Wait, what?” His stunned reaction was tempered only by the amusement playing out over his face. “Those are the names you’ve picked out? They’re all nerd and no rock. You might as well put a Kick me sign on their backs. Now I really don’t want to have kids with you.”

I laughed. He was back to his good-natured self, and my anxiety melted away. “Well, do you have a better idea?”

“Um…yeah… like any other names in the entire universe!”

“Can you be more specific?”

“You need to think more ‘Kick-ass’ and less ‘Kick my ass’. Something like Axl or Cash, or for a girl, Stevie.”

“Oh, Jake.” I sighed heavily. “You know I’m not cool enough to raise a Stevie.”

“You just have to try harder,” he said, playfully mocking my words. “Find a new therapist who can talk the nerd right out of you.”

I grabbed him by the tux collar and pulled him into a kiss. “I love you, Jake McKallister. Thank you for warning me, but I think I’ll take my chances.”

Since meeting Jake, I’d known he was the one for me, so I had no choice but to put every last bit of my faith in him. I held out my hand. ‘What do you say? You ready to get this show on the road?”

He grabbed it, flashing me his most gorgeous smile. “Let’s do this.”

* * *

Just to be on the safe side, I delivered Jake to the groom’s room and instructed the men not to let him out of their sight until we were safely married. The wedding was now officially late, and I had a roomful of bridesmaids who probably assumed it had been called off entirely.

The moment I re-entered the bride’s room, all chatter ceased as every head turned in my direction. It was clear by the look of utter pity on all of their faces that the whole lot of them expected the worst. Who could blame them? Neither Jake, with his teary-eyed interruption, nor I, with my loud declarations of hatred, had given them much hope.

Boris came rushing to me. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” He ran his hands over my face. “What did he do to you? You just look awful.”

“I do?” Touching my fingers to my own face, I wondered exactly what had happened to change my appearance so drastically in the fifteen minutes I’d been gone. Two soggy, colossal plunging tears, that’s all I’d allowed myself. Surely Boris could work with that.

“He’s an idiot and you’re better off without him. I never trusted him in the first place. You’re a strong, fabulous woman, and you will get through this.”

My bridesmaids fanned out around me, making a protective circle. Their misinformed concern warmed my heart. At least I knew who my friends were. In quick succession, the questions came flying.

Jake’s oldest sister, Emma, asked, “What can we do?”

“Do you need to sit down?” Kenzie, Kyle’s girlfriend, grasped my arm and prepared to lead me to a chair.

Her lips thin with anger, Jake’s mother, Michelle said, “Let me go talk to him. I’m sure he’s just nervous.”

Okay, this needed to end now, before someone said something they would regret – like Boris, who was seconds away from eating his offensively supportive words. “Um…hello, ladies,” I said, clapping my hands. “What is this, a funeral?”

A blanket of confusion percolated through the room, and everyone looked to each other for answers. Perhaps they all thought I was in denial… but not my mother. If there was one person in this world who knew me inside and out, it was she. Instantly picking up on my mood, and without skipping a beat, Mom slyly asked, “That depends – is Jake’s body in the hallway?”

“No.” I laughed. “He’s alive and breathing, people. And, I don’t know what all these long faces are for, but I’m getting married in a few minutes, so is it too much to ask for some smiles?”

The shift in the room was immediate, and relief dripped off every surface. Except for Boris. Poor, poor Boris. He was now gagging on his words, and by the nauseous look on his face, they weren’t tasting real good coming back up.

“I… I didn’t mean anything bad when I called Jake an idiot. I don’t think that at all. He’s very smart. I…just…”

“Boris, relax. He was an idiot. How many times did we have to tell him he couldn’t see the bride before the ceremony? I mean, use your brain, dude, am I right?”

He let out a long, deep breath, using one hand to place over his heart and the other to fan his bright red face. “Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Closing my mouth, I turned the imaginary key and flung it over his shoulder. He mouthed thank you, and all was forgotten.

“Do I really look that awful?”

“Not at all,” he said, smiling with his mouth but not with his eyes. “We’re just going to…” Boris abruptly stopped with the pep talk once he’d examined my face and fluffed my hair. Perhaps coming to the realization that my beauty issues were well beyond his vast capabilities, he screamed over his shoulder, “Hair. Makeup. Now!”

His minions came running, and while I was undergoing the transformation from hideously dumped Casey to radiantly wedded bride, the others were ushered to the lobby of the church. I looked around. Had my maid of honor also left? Her level head would do me well now. It had taken a lot of thought about who I wanted in that position in my wedding procession. I had so many amazing girlfriends who all supported me in their own unique ways. In the end, the woman I chose had always been there for me and was a constant reminder of how blessed a life I led.

“Yes. We’re a go,” I heard Boris say into his phone.

Suddenly nerves attacked my calm and my hands began to shake. “It’s starting?”

“As soon as the bride arrives, it is.” He beamed, holding his hand out to me. “Shall we?”

I stood on my shaking legs, suddenly self-conscious. The church was packed full, and in a few minutes’ time, all eyes would be on me. “Do I look okay?”

“I say this to all my brides, but this time I mean it. You’re the most beautiful of them all.” Boris’ eyes shone with affection as he took me in from head to toe and, I have to say, I almost believed him.

“Thank you for everything, Boris. It’s been a pleasure.”

“That, my lovely lady, it most certainly has.”

Anxious flutters tickled my chest. “Whew. I’m nervous all of a sudden.”

“No need. You’re marrying the man of your dreams. Never stop smiling.”

He was right. I was lucky beyond belief. Hooking my hand through his folded arm, I smiled radiantly. “I’m ready, Boris. Take me to my man.”

The click of my heels was the only sound we made on our way to the front lobby. This was the exact path I’d walked at Kate and Mitch’s wedding, and I had a moment of déjà vu. I remembered the racing heart and the fluttery exhilaration of seeing him again. He’d rocked my world from the first time I’d met him, and he was still doing that now. In all honesty, I shouldn’t have been surprised by that interruption before the ceremony. There was an air of unpredictability with Jake that had always intrigued and challenged me. He was complicated and tough, possessing just the right amount of mystery to keep things interesting. But at the same time, he had a wit and charm to him that I could only have dreamed of in a mate. This was the amazing man I was marrying. And if I had to postpone holding his baby in my arms, it would be worth the wait.

The lobby was filled with a hushed excitement. All the people I loved had gathered here to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I scanned the room, seeking to capture the extraordinary moment in my mind. This was it. My future was about to begin.

The music started playing in the church before flowing down the aisle and out into the lobby where we stood. My father walked to my side and kissed my cheek.

“Dad.”

“My sweet little girl. Look at you now. I’m not sure I’m ready to give you away just yet.” His misty eyes threatened to break me down, but I swallowed back the lump and smiled at the man who’d treated me with love and respect my whole life and who had taught me to demand the same treatment from my own mate one day.

“You’ve done your job,” I whispered. “It’s time to let me go.”

He nodded, wiping the tears away, and then offered his arm to me.

Jake’s younger sister, Grace, began the processional, followed by Emma and Darcy, then my good friends Kate and Kenzie. The final bridesmaid was Wilhelmina, or Willa for short, my best friend since third grade. The flower girl and ring bearer, my niece and nephew, Sydney and Riley, followed them down the aisle.

My matron of honor came to me then, her eyes glowing with love as she tenderly touched both my cheeks with her capable hands.

“This is your moment, Casey. Go out there and shine.”

“I will, Mom.”

She hugged me tightly before fitting the veil over my face. Her trembling lip was the only giveaway to the emotion of the moment. My mother, my best friend, my confidante, and the woman I loved most in the world. She gave me my personality, my zest for life, and my loving heart. I would not be who I was without her and was forever grateful to call her Mom. For all those reasons and more, it was only natural that she would take that place of honor in the procession.

I stood close to my father as my mother began her walk down the aisle. When the music briefly stopped, I took a deep breath and looked to my father for guidance as I had my whole life. He squeezed my hand, saying, “You got this.”

And then the music began to play for me; the moment I’d been waiting for since Jake dropped to one knee and proposed fourteen months ago. But really, I’d waited longer than that. This was a milestone most girls dreamed of, and I was no exception. The fact that I was about to walk down that aisle into the arms of my one, true great love… well, that was beyond humbling.

I stepped into the doorway and watched as every person in the church turned to stare as I came into view in my billowy white gown with an armful of my very favorite flowers, the same varieties Jake had decorated the wooden arch on the beach with when he’d asked me to marry him. Jake! My eyes moved off the guests and traveled down the aisle. On the stairs, smack dab in the middle, stood my betrothed waiting for me. Even as far apart as we were, our eyes connected, and nothing had ever felt so right. I would have run to him had I not thought Boris would beat me over the head with a party favor.

Goosebumps prickled my skin as I began the walk, never taking my eyes off the prize. And oh, lord, what a prize he was. It wasn’t just that he was a gorgeous man or that he was beloved by millions or that he could buy me whatever I desired; no, it was something far less material… simply put, Jake had given me his heart. And that might seem standard protocol for all grooms, but with Jake, it wasn’t just a matter of falling in love. He’d had to battle demons, survive battles, and hand himself over for healing. So yes, it was a big deal that he was standing up here today wearing his mended heart on his sleeve. It was a damn big deal, and with my vows, I would promise to make it my duty to always keep it beating strong.

I didn’t even remember getting to the end of the aisle, but when I did, Jake was waiting for me, strong and proud. He and my father exchanged a handshake before Jake broke wedding protocol, again, and hugged me.

Bending his head, he whispered, “The moment wasn’t ruined. I’ve never, in my life, seen anyone as beautiful as you.”

Climbing the stairs together, we met the minister, who began the proceedings. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today…”

Jake and I stared into each other’s eyes as the man regaled us with his words of wedded wisdom. We were not the first lovebirds to stand before him, and would certainly not be the last, but we were unique in our own way… two opposites, who together made perfect sense.

Somehow five minutes passed, and I barely heard a word. My mind was flooded with memories, from our first meeting to our whirlwind courtship through the hardships we’d faced. All of that had come together for this flawless moment in time. Thankfully there was a recording of the proceedings because I’d need to watch it back just to know what had happened during the ceremony.

“Casey?”

I looked up to find the minister staring at me expectantly.

“Your vows?” he prompted.

“Oh, yeah. Oops.”

One job. I had one job: pay attention during the wedding; and I couldn’t even do that. Unable to trust my memory at such an important moment in my life, I unfolded the crumbled paper in my hand.

“Jake, in writing these vows, I was consumed by finding the perfect word to best describe how I feel when I’m with you. There were many contenders. Loved, of course, because you show me every day in both your actions and your words that I’m cherished. Respected, no doubt, because you want me to always shine in my own right. And let’s not forget happy, because, with you, I’m never without a bright smile on my face. But, Jake, the word that best describes how you make me feel is lucky.

Lucky that Mitch and Kate had the sense to pair us up for their wedding. Lucky that you didn’t get a restraining order against me when I pulled that dancing prank on you during our first meeting. Lucky that I get to look at your handsome face every day for the rest of my life. But most of all, I feel lucky to have found you – my love, my best friend, my dream come true. I love you, Jake McKallister, and I always will.”

Throughout my vows, Jake kept his focus on me, reacting to each of my words with varying displays of emotion. It was clear my sentiments hit him in the core, and it took him a moment to gather himself in order to give his own vows. And when he began, no visual cues were needed.

“Before you, Casey, I’d seen love… even thought I knew what it was all about. I’ve created songs dedicated to it and watched others parade their happiness before me. Yet, realistically, I had no faith in the concept of love, and I never imagined finding it for myself. Then you came along, with that ridiculous banana binder of yours, and turned everything I thought I knew upside down. Casey, I love that, in the middle of a kiss, I can feel you smiling. I love that when you ask for directions, you request that words like east and west not be used. And I love that you hold up sappy signs for me as I’m getting off airplanes. Because of you, I now get to flaunt my own happiness in everyone else’s faces. So thank you for that.”

Jake paused, not only to allow the giggles in the church to fade away, but also to change the vibe of his speech from playful to sentimental. Taking my hands in his, he continued. “You’re my changing storyline. My favorite dream. My redemption. I can now say with confidence, I finally get it… I know what love is. It’s you, Casey, from beginning to end.”

Maybe I should have been bawling after Jake finished his heartfelt speech, but all I felt was joy. There wasn’t anything more he needed to say. No matter where this world took us, I had made a difference in it. I had changed this man for the better… made him feel again, and love – and if that were the last gift I ever received in life, I would die a happy woman.

The minister placed his hands over our joined ones and had us repeat after him the traditional wedding vows: ‘To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.’

Looking out over the group gathered to witness our union, I was suddenly grateful for the smaller crowd. These were the people who loved us, who wanted us to succeed. There were no hangers-on in this group. No people here for a photo op. These were just friends and family, eager to witness our love and the beginning of our life together. So as Jake slipped the ring over my finger, it was our beginning, but also in my heart and mind…an ending. The search was over. I’d found my other half, the man I would grow old with. In that moment I pictured us timeworn and gray, sitting shoulder to shoulder in a diner booth, not because there was no room to sit on the other side, but because we just liked being close to one another. I’d make sure he stayed interested in me by keeping him on his toes at all times. A little kiss here, a butt grab there, and of course, the paper from my straw blown straight into his face when he least expected it. That’s what the ring meant to me… a lifelong friendship with the man I loved.

And with one final, heart-thumping sentence, the minister smiled and proclaimed, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”