Chapter Nineteen
Tyler
“Where should I go?” I asked my mother after I had donned my black suit and stood by the door, ready to head to the funeral home.
“Just wait right there; I’m grabbing a few things then we can go.”
It was the day of my father’s funeral. The emotions over the last few days had been so extreme, and I was utterly exhausted. I missed him. I was happy he was no longer in pain. I was angry that he had left me. I was worried I was going to make mistakes and he wasn’t going to be there to help me. Every thought I had seemed to have an equal and opposite thought that went with it.
“You look nice,” Maryanne said as she stood next to me.
Her normal sarcasm was gone since Dad’s death and was replaced with a kind of sadness that I hadn’t seen since we found out Dad was sick. It was weird, but my sister’s lack of rudeness toward me was harder to take than everyone else showing sympathy for my loss.
My sister and I fought; that’s what we did. We loved each other, and we fought because we knew at the end of the day we could say anything to one another, and it didn’t matter because we were family. But now she wasn’t being sarcastic. She wasn’t making rude remarks. There was nothing going on between us except sadness.
The true test of any family had to be how they survived a major loss like this. It tested you as a person, and it definitely tested the family system too. Our family had lost aunts and grandparents, but never had we dealt with the gravity of loss like we were going through at that time.
“I’m ready,” Mom said as she hurried us out the door and to the waiting car.
It was odd to me that funerals had limousines delivering the bereaved to and from the cemetery. A vehicle that was normally used to transport people on some of the happiest days of their lives was also used to transport them on the saddest days. It seemed unusually cruel.
The drive to the funeral home was a quiet one. My mother and sister and I didn’t have much to say to one another the last few days. We were all processing and dealing with the grief that was going through our minds. It was different for each of us and exhausting for all three of us. But it wasn’t just us who had to go through the grief. We had over a hundred family and friends that were in town for the service, plus at least that many locals who would be coming to the service.
Everyone missed my father, and that was such a sign of what a good man he was. I could only hope to have made such a big impact on people’s lives that they would be willing to take off from work and fly across the country to show their last respects to me. That was truly a sign of the man my father was and his willingness to help others all the time.
“Is Kelsi going to meet us there?” Maryanne asked.
“Yeah, I think she’s coming with her whole family so I saved some seats for them near the front, but behind family.”
“That’s good,” she added as she kept staring out the window. “What are you two going to do when you go home?”
Normally, my sister didn’t ask me questions about the women in my life. It was odd to be having a normal conversation with her.
“I’m not sure. I told her I would stay in touch and I could come back here or fly her out to see me, but she didn’t really tell me what she wanted to do. I guess we will play it by ear.”
“She’s a good woman, Tyler. You should try and make things work out.”
“I know, I’d really like that.”
As we climbed out of the limousine and walked into the funeral home, Maryanne reached back and grabbed my hand. She gave it a little squeeze and I felt the emotion in her touch. She was barely keeping it together, and yet she thought to ask about me and Kelsi. That was what sisters did. That was why our arguing didn’t really matter, because in the end, we loved each other and we were family.
“Tyler, hey man,” Mike said as he gave me a big bear hug. “I’m so sorry about your Dad, man. He was a good guy.”
“Thanks, Mike.”
“I’m just going to hang with Bryce and his family. You let me know if you need anything, man.”
“I will. Thanks for coming,” I said as I looked around to see if I could find Kelsi.
“Tyler, I’m so sorry for your loss,” an older woman said as she walked up to me and gave me a hug.
For the next 30 minutes, I was hugged and squeezed by numerous people that I had no idea who they were. But the one person I did want to talk to was Kelsi, and every time I tried to leave a conversation and make my way over to her, someone else would stop me.
She smiled at me and waved me away like she was doing just fine and I should visit with everyone else. But I wanted to visit with her. I wanted to be with her for the service, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone else.
By the time I was 10 feet away from reaching Kelsi, I could see that she was talking with Mike and I couldn’t help but laugh. She kept rolling her eyes every time the two of us made eye contact.
“Tyler, I have to tell you how your father and I first met,” a man said as he grabbed my attention and refused to allow me to move further through the room. “We were in second grade and your father thought I was the scariest kid in school,” the man continued on.
I glanced over to see if I could get Kelsi’s attention, but she was engrossed in a deep conversation with Mike. I could only imagine what he was talking about and how torturous it must have been for her.
I finished my conversation with the older gentleman and looked up to see Kelsi looking angrily over at me. I shrugged my shoulders at her because I had no idea how on earth I could have made her angry from 10 feet away from her.
She didn’t appear to like my reaction and turned to leave Mike and find her seat for the service. As much as I wanted to go and talk with Mike, one more person grabbed me, and by the time I broke free from that conversation, Mike had found his seat as well.
During the service, I didn’t get a chance to look at Kelsi to see if she was still angry with me or not. She and her family were sitting a few rows back from me, and I could never get a good enough angle to turn and talk to her.
After the service, I had to go with my family and the rest of our close relatives as we drove in a funeral procession to the cemetery to bury my father. It was surreal to be putting such an amazing man into a hole in the ground, but I kept reminding myself that my father didn’t believe he was still in the body. He believed his soul had gone up to heaven and we were just burying an empty shell. His faith in the afterlife got me through the days since his death and I imagined that thought would get me through many more days.
“Have you seen Kelsi?” I asked Bryce when I returned to the funeral home and made my way to the serving area where we were all supposed to eat and share fellowship.
“No, I think she left after the service.”
“Oh, she probably needed to get back home to Clyde,” I said as if I had any idea why she had actually left.
It seemed odd that she would have left the service without even talking to me. I knew I had been preoccupied a lot beforehand, but she didn’t stick around for the food or come to the cemetery. Basically, I hadn’t even gotten to talk to her that day at all, and I really did need to hear her soothing voice to calm my nerves and anxiety.
“She left,” Mike said as he joined us.
“Yeah, I heard that.”
“I think she was a little pissed off. But you can’t blame me, man; I had no idea.”
“What do you mean ‘pissed off?’ That doesn’t really sound like her.” I laughed. “Maybe she just got bored with your conversation.”
“I didn’t know you had kept it a secret,” Mike said with genuine sorrow in his voice. “I honestly wouldn’t have said a thing if I thought she didn’t know what was going on.”
“Mike! What did you say?” I asked nervously.
“I might have said I thought she was being really cool about the whole bet thing.”
“God, Mike, what else? You told her everything? What happened? Where did she go? I’m going to throw up. Fuck.”
“Okay, I said I’m sorry. I told her I thought she was being cool and she just smiled at me. I said we were only making the bet because she was so damn hot and Bryce and I thought she would turn you down. It was a compliment. I was telling her she was hot.”
“I can’t even talk to you. Where did she go? Was she really pissed off?”
“She stayed for the service. I don’t know; she didn’t seem all that angry. She smiled back at me and wasn’t crying or anything. I thought she knew.”
“Did she press her lips together like this?”
“Yep, exactly like that.”
I knew that look on Kelsi. She had made that exact same face when I forced her to stay with me in the restaurant after tricking her to come on a date. She was holding it together so she could pay her respects to my father, then she must have left.
My gut was in a knot and I actually felt like I could vomit at any moment. Everything that Kelsi and I had been through over the past few weeks was real, she had to know that. She had to feel that connection between the two of us.
I went outside and dialed her number. My hand ran through my hair in anticipation of her answering, but I had no idea what I was going to say to her. How do you apologize for being an immature asshole? I wasn’t sure, but I needed to talk to her.
The phone rang and rang, and eventually, her voicemail picked up. I didn’t leave a message, though. The delicate nature of the situation had me rethinking how I should handle it. Instead of rushing over there, I decided to take the time with my family and I’d think about what I should say or do.
Visiting with everyone after the service was interesting. There were a lot of people who knew me, but I had no idea who they were. I supposed that happened with a lot of families, but I found it very entertaining as I ate and listened to my father’s friends and their stories about him.
It made me feel closer to him the more people talked about him, and I genuinely wished we had videotaped some of our conversations. Years down the road, I would have loved to re-listen to the stories of my father’s college friends, and I knew I would never get to hear them again.
“Where’s Kelsi?” Maryanne asked as the room started to clear out and we sat in the corner eating some strange dessert.
“She found out.”
“Found out about what?” she asked, and then realized what I was talking about. “Oh, the bet. Did Mike tell her? He seems like the kind of guy who would make a bet like that and then tell someone about it.”
“Yeah. He thought she knew. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I tried calling her, but she didn’t answer. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it; the bet wasn’t a big deal. It only pushed me to go talk to her at the reunion, and that was it. After we talked I told Mike the bet was off.”
“Then tell her that. From what I know about Kelsi, she’s a smart girl. I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“I’m not.”
“What were you two going to do after the funeral? I mean, if this was all going to end anyway, maybe it doesn’t matter?”
“We didn’t know yet. I mean, we talked about visiting. There were no definite plans, but I can’t end things like this again. I can’t leave with both of us feeling bad. I’ve got to talk to her and clear things up before I go.”
“Then go talk to her. We aren’t in some big city with high-rise buildings. You know where she lives. Go over there and talk to her.”
Maryanne was right. I needed to see Kelsi face to face and just straighten this whole mess out. She would see that I didn’t mean anything malicious by not telling her about the bet. I didn’t tell her because the bet didn’t matter. It was that simple.
“Should I wait until tomorrow? I’m pretty emotionally wiped out tonight.”
“Yep. I’d get a good night sleep. Take a shower. Get looking like your usual handsome self and go over there tomorrow.”
“You know what, Maryanne?” I said as I hugged her. “You can be a really nice sister when you want to be.”
“Only one day a year, so take advantage of this. Tomorrow I’m back to being a jerk.” She laughed.
By the time I got back home, I was exhausted. The emotions over the last few days were weighing heavily on me, and I collapsed in utter exhaustion. I didn’t want to go back to Alabama. I didn’t want to stay at home either, though. Everywhere I turned in my parents’ house I saw something that reminded me of my father. So, until I could find a better solution, I was going to head back to my home, back to Birmingham and my business.
I packed my things and headed to Kelsi’s house the next morning before my flight home. No matter what was going on, I had to talk to her before I went home. We were close now, we were both adults, and she had to hear from me what had happened with that stupid bet.
The house was quiet when I pulled up, and so I walked back to the barn to see if Kelsi and the girls were back there working. Several of the horses were gone, including the one I had ridden when I was with Kelsi before.
I waited around for almost an hour, but no one came or left, so I finally decided to take one of the remaining horses out and find Kelsi. I had to talk to her. The biggest mistake I made when we were younger was that I didn’t go talk to her before she broke up with me. I was going to make this right between us, even if she decided she didn’t want to see me again.
There was a beautiful black horse in the stall at the end; his name was Thunder, and he looked at me like he was meant to be my horse that day. I saddled him up and we headed out to the trails to find Kelsi and the rest of the crew. They had been gone for so long that I hoped they were on their way back home by then and I’d run into them eventually.
I rode and rode down the trail, through the hills, and across the small river at the edge of her property. There were no signs of them anywhere. So, I took off toward the old Decker property to see if they were out that way. Again, I rode and rode with no luck in finding them. Kelsi and the group she was with definitely weren’t on the main trail, but that still left miles and miles of land they could be riding through.
Without a better idea of where to look, I made my way back toward the house. My horse was exhausted, and so was I. I’d already called my pilot and crew and told them to postpone my flight until the next day since I was taking so long. They had rules about how much sleep they needed in order to fly and I didn’t want to mess with all that, so a day later would have to work for me.
When Thunder and I finally arrived back at the barn, Kelsi, Hannah, Kendall, and a whole crew of strangers were there. The girls looked at me with a strange look as I got off Thunder and brought him back to his stall.
“You rode Thunder?” Hannah asked.
“Yeah, he was a great horse. I went a long way without a break at all.”
“He rode Thunder,” Hannah said as she turned toward Kelsi. “Thunder.”
“Was I not supposed to ride Thunder?” I asked. “I’m sorry, but he looked better than that old guy in the other stall.”
“He’s wild, and we haven’t trained him yet,” Kelsi said. “But I guess he didn’t mind you riding him since you came back in one piece.”
“Wow, yeah, he was great. Very well behaved,” I said awkwardly as I stood there waiting for a chance to talk with Kelsi. “Do you think we could talk?”
Kelsi looked back at her sister and friend for some reassurance before agreeing to come talk to me. She didn’t look happy at all. The fake smile on her face had me very concerned that she was even angrier than I thought she was going to be.
“For a minute, then I need to get back to work.”
We walked to the smaller barn, and I waited until we were far enough away to start my apology. My mouth was dry, and I could hardly think straight as I looked at her beautiful eyes and saw the hurt in them.
“The bet,” I said softly. “It was canceled. I told them I didn’t want to do it right after we talked at the reunion. Please know that everything that happened between us was real. This is real,” I said as I grabbed her hand and held onto it.
She didn’t pull away; that was a good sign. But Kelsi also didn’t look at me like she had before. Her eyes weren’t filled with adoring love. Instead, they looked sad and broken.
“It’s okay, Tyler. We knew this was all going to end sooner or later. Let’s just move on with our lives and chalk this time up to a fun fling.”
“No, it wasn’t a fling,” I said instinctively. “This is real.”
“Really? Then what’s not real? Because you are going back to your home. I’m staying here at mine. We live entirely different lives that neither of us are going to give up for the other. I’m okay, Tyler. I’m not extremely happy that we started talking again because of a stupid bet that Mike made, but I’m old enough to know that it was just a stupid bet. I’m smart enough to know that you and I have a connection, but that our connection isn’t going to last. For both of our sake, we should move on.”
“We can get together. You can come see me, I can come see you. We could make something work.”
“I appreciate that, but I want more than ‘something.’ I have you to thank for that actually. For the longest time, I was set with being single until Clyde was grown, but now I know that me being happy is only going to help him be happy. So, I thank you for that. Now I know I deserve the fairytale and I’m willing to put myself out there to find it.”
“You do deserve that, Kelsi,” I said as the realization of our situation hit me. “I’m really glad we had this time together.”
“Now go back to your real life, and I’ll go back to mine. We can remember this time together and have a great story to tell our future dates.” She laughed.
“You don’t want me to keep in touch?”
“I think it would be best if we both moved on. I’ve still got some major feelings I need to work through and staying in touch would just complicate those.”
“I’m sorry,” I fumbled as I tried to figure out what to say next.
“Don’t be sorry, Tyler. These last few weeks were amazing. Together you and I are amazing. We just can’t seem to find the right time.”
“Yeah, they say timing is everything,” I said in an effort to joke. “I guess I’ll talk to you later then…oh, or…I won’t.”
“You can say hi sometime when you’re back in town. I’m not going to avoid you.” She laughed.
“Deal. The next time I’m back in town, I’ll make sure and say hi.”
“Okay, well, take care of yourself,” she said as she hugged me.
“You, too. And take care of Clyde; he’s such a sweet boy.”
“He’ll miss you, too,” she said as she turned to walk back to the main barn. “You can say hi to him too when you come back to town, I’m sure he’ll enjoy that. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.”
My gut told me to stay, I wanted to stay, but I had no argument to change her mind with. She was right: we were drifting apart again and I didn’t want to cause her any more pain. I had to figure out my own life before I could offer her any support in hers.