Walking into NewSpin the next morning felt like walking into the scene of my own execution. No one knew what had happened between Kile and me, but I knew, and that was all that it took. I hadn’t slept at all, not even a few scattered, tortured minutes, and I felt like I was sleepwalking through the front doors of the office.

Unlike every other day, this time people took notice of me. They looked up, took in how haggard I could only guess I looked—I hadn’t even paid attention to the clothes I’d put on, much less dared to check myself in a mirror before I left my house—and immediately averted their eyes. I didn’t blame them. I probably would’ve done the same thing.

As some small mercy, Dylan wasn’t there, so I shuffled to his desk and fell down into the chair. Though I tried, I couldn’t get Kile out of my mind, nor the cold, distant way he’d asked me to leave the night before without giving me a chance to argue. It was amazing to me how quickly he’d flipped the switch. We’d gone from lovers caught in the throes of passion to strangers on the street in a matter of seconds. That was the most troubling part for me.

I had no idea how I was going to face him later that evening. I hadn’t thought twice about it before yesterday. He was due to give another speech at a different university, though I had no idea what it was supposed to cover or if he’d even go through with it. I hoped he’d cancel, but I doubted he had the ability to sit with his feelings so I knew he’d almost certainly give the speech; pour himself into his work to try and forget everything else.

Not that I knew anything about that.

He was right to do it, I thought, and it was true. I’d been thinking of ending it myself moments before him. So why had it hit me so hard? If I had been the one to put an end to things, would that have made it any better?

Of course it would’ve. Because then I still would’ve been in control, I thought, knowing that that was true as well. It’d always been about that between Kile and me, from the very first time we’d met. We’d spent weeks fighting for control over each other and over how we’d handle the knowledge of our relationship—and we’d both lost it in the end, anyway.

Kile did the right thing and I would’ve done it if he hadn’t. I just have to accept it, I told myself, though I doubted I’d ever be able to. It stunned me even now, after all I’d been through with him, how much he’d gotten to me, just how deep he’d penetrated me.

And what did I have now? I wanted to believe he’d come around and give things a shot again once the series was done and over, but what assurance did I have of that? Maybe he’d already decided that it wasn’t worth it, that there was too much risk involved. After all, he’d said almost exactly that.

I sighed and rubbed my burning, itching eyes. This is what it’d been like all night long while I lay awake, desperately trying to think of any and everything besides him. Now, as I sat at Dylan’s desk in the middle of the NewSpin newsroom, I wondered what the hell I was even doing there. I didn’t have anything to do, not until later when I was supposed to be at the university to cover Kile’s speech, but I told myself that it would at least help me feel like I wasn’t moping.

But here I am moping anyway. Fuck, I should’ve known better than to let this happen, I thought. Look at me, it’s just like what happened with Jeremy. I’m falling right back into it, the darkness that almost did me in with him. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes and I took a deep breath to hold them back. I couldn’t cry, not here, not in front of the staff.

I looked up and out at the bustling newsroom and watched all of the people I’d never taken the time to get to know—and probably never would—flitting about and furiously working on whatever it was they’d been assigned. At that moment, I would have given anything to be as busy and distracted as they were.

Before I broke, I shoved back from the desk and stood to make a beeline for the bathroom. If I was going to let this shit out, I wanted to make sure no one else saw it. The only way to do that was to hide in a stall. It was pathetic and immature, but at that point, I didn’t really care.

I realized then I’d never actually used the restroom in the building so I didn’t know where it was. To my dismay, I saw signs pointing beyond Lee’s office. The last person I wanted to talk to in this state was Lee, especially not after what he’d said to Kile and what he’d tried to coerce him into doing, but I didn’t have a choice.

Swallowing my fear, I set off for the bathroom and had just passed Lee’s office, looking the opposite direction, when I spotted movement within it from the corner of my eye and heard his office door fly open. God damn it, I thought, attempting to walk faster.

“Jeff! Jeff! I didn’t know you were here yet. C’mere, we need to talk,” he called after me. I knew if I tried to pretend like I hadn’t heard him he’d just shout louder and draw more attention to me so with a sigh I turned around and walked back to his office. As I passed him, he clapped a hand on my shoulder like nothing at all was wrong. I already knew what he was going to say but I had to keep the charade going. He drew the blinds on the windows and took his usual seat at his desk.

“Sit down,” he said, so I did without argument.

“Are you OK? You look like you got hit by a bus,” he said.

“Yeah, and I feel like it, too. But I’m fine,” I lied, probably not very convincingly, because he frowned at me and shook his head.

“Cut the crap, Jeff. You’re about as fine as a bleeding person in a shark tank,” he said. “It’s Avery, isn’t it?”

“It is, but it’s nothing for you to worry about because it’s all settled and done,” I said and he raised an eyebrow at me.

“What is? What do you mean?”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Lee. I know you know about the tabloid photos and I know you talked to Kile about them. I also know you tried to force him into including our little tryst in the series and he told you to piss off. Well, lucky for you he told me to do the same thing,” I gushed. I hadn’t meant to say any of it, but my brain evidently had plans that didn’t need my approval.

“I know that puts some holes in your plot to sell our love story to the world for clicks, but I can’t say I’m upset about it,” I continued and he smirked before sitting back in his chair, which groaned and creaked.

“It definitely does but maybe that’s for the best. You know, this whole romance could’ve made things very awkward and painful for all of us if it kept going and we didn’t keep it in check,” he said. Too late, I thought bitterly.

“‘Keep it in check’? It’s not some commodity for you to peddle!”

“Easy, Jeff. I’m not your enemy here. I was trying to help both of you get the situation back under our control. Looks like I didn’t have to,” he said. “What the hell were you thinking, anyway, getting involved with Avery?”

“I wasn’t. It wasn’t planned. It just sort of happened,” I said, not feeling like I needed to justify myself to him any further. “And who are you kidding? You engineered this entire thing. You couldn’t have been disappointed nor surprised to learn that something developed between us.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. Far from it. But I was disappointed to learn you were trying to sneak around behind my back about it. Not cool,” he said.

“But all of the shit you’ve pulled on us behind our backs is?” I asked. “Unbelievable.”

“Look, I understand you’re upset. I don’t know what happened between you and Avery since I spoke to him, but clearly it didn’t go well. I’m sorry, Jeff. I really am,” he said.

“You don’t mean it,” I said and he laughed.

“Clearly, you don’t want to believe anything I say—”

“Because you haven’t given me a reason to,” I interrupted. “Almost everything that’s come out of your mouth has been a lie from the second you contacted me. Or, let me use your words, an ‘omission of truth.’ For all I know, it was you behind all of this.”

“Why the hell would I want to cause drama for my own production? Jeff, now you’re just talking crazy,” he said.

“Then tell me I’m wrong. Look me in the eyes and tell me you had nothing to do with that tabloid, that your fingerprints aren’t on any of it,” I demanded. I might’ve lost Kile, but I could at least make good on one of my promises to him.

“I didn’t. Jeff, I promise you, swear to whatever God you do or don’t believe in, I didn’t do this.”

“Then why did you ask Kile to include our relationship in the series? Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

“Because I figured the conversation would go an awful lot like the one we’re having now,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “You know, I went out on a limb to hire you, or have you forgotten that? I could’ve left you hanging by your neck like everyone else but I gave you a shot, and this is how you repay me? By accusing me of trying to sabotage and blackmail both you and Avery?” I wanted to believe him, I really did, but I didn’t.

“I swear, if I ever find out you were lying…”

“You’ll what, Jeff? What are you going to do? Are you threatening me now?”

“No,” I said, my mood darkening. I knew I was treading on thin ice and as much as I wanted to lay into Lee, I had to be careful. Like him or dislike him, he was still my boss and I still had a job to do. It would only make my life worse if I pushed this any further.

“Look, I’m not going to take anything you’re saying right now to heart because I know you’re upset,” he said and though he meant for it to be comforting, I only heard patronization. My blood pressure spiked again but I bit back the comment I wanted to say in favor of something more tame.

“I am upset. How couldn’t I be?” I asked.

“I understand. Like I said, I get it. That being said… are you going to be OK to cover the speech tonight?” he asked. My heart lurched at the thought like I hadn’t been asking myself the same thing all night long the night before.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself before I answered. I was torn. On the one hand, I desperately wanted to see Kile so I could try and change his mind, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to reopen the wound. Regardless of all of that, though, I was a professional and I was on a contract to finish this stupid series, so I’d finish it.

“I’ll be fine,” I said in as level a voice as I could manage.

“Are you sure?” Lee asked. “I can send Ross and the crew without you. You don’t really need to be there, anyway. It’s totally up to you.”

“No. I’ll do my job. Ross and the rest would be lost without a sheep herder to tell them what to do and how to do it,” I said and he chuckled.

“True enough. I knew you’d tough this out. I’m proud of you,” he said and I smiled and nodded though I didn’t take his compliment to heart.

“Thanks,” I said, struggling to maintain the even tone of voice I’d been going for.

“Look, I know this sucks ass right now and hurts like hell, but if it’s any consolation, I think when this is all over and the dust has settled, you’re going to look back at this moment as one of the best to ever happen to you,” he said, his smile broadening as he leaned forward.

“You’re right,” I agreed, though I doubted he was. If anything, I’d look back on this as one of the worst things to ever happen to me, and that included my on-air meltdown a few weeks earlier that’d cost me everything I’d spent ten years building.

“And once this documentary gets out there and flexes your journalistic muscle to the general public, I think you’re going to be glad that you did it and that it turned out the way it did. People are going to be blowing up your phone wanting to talk to you. I might not be able to convince you to stay here,” he said.

“You will,” I said. Truthfully, I wanted to walk out of NewSpin once this was all over and never set foot in the building again. I wanted to forget that this part of my life had ever happened and I was looking forward to future job offers that may or may not come. Maybe they’d take me out of D.C. and as far away from all of this as possible.

“Feel any better?” he asked after a few moments of silence had passed.

“Yeah, a little bit,” I lied.

“Good. I figured hashing this all out might take a load off of you. Keep your head on straight, Jeff. We’re almost there, but we’ve got work left to do to really knock this out of the park. I’m counting on you and so is everyone else,” he said.

“I know. I won’t let you down,” I said and I meant it, though it wasn’t to make him happy or to make him look good. I thought only of myself and where this might take me if it went well, because I didn’t have any other options once the news about Kile and me broke.

“I’m glad to hear it. Now, there’s one other thing we need to talk about since we’re running up against it,” he said and my anxiety returned.

“What’s that?”

“The premiere. We’ve got some big stuff lined up for this and I want it to go well. I don’t need to know details, but I do need to know if you and Avery are going to be OK appearing together in a live setting,” he said. Jesus, this just keeps getting better, I thought.

“We’re going to have to be, aren’t we?” I asked and he chuckled.

“‘Atta boy!” he shouted, slapping the desk and making me jump. “Cameron’s coming home next week and he’s already agreed to be the host for the premiere. He’s super excited to meet the two of you,” he continued and I had to search my thoughts for a moment before I realized who he was talking about.

“What’s he been doing all of this time, anyway?” I asked, almost sure I didn’t really want to know the answer.

“He’s been making a piece on Bollywood,” Lee answered. Of course, that’s perfect, I thought disdainfully. “You’re not the only one we’re exploring documentary stuff with.”

“Cool. I’m looking forward to seeing it,” I lied, knowing full well I’d never watch it willingly.

“So am I. Speaking of, I actually need to call him really quick… are you going to be OK if I let you back out there?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said, jumping at the opportunity to get the hell out of his office and away from him.

“Great,” he said, already picking up the phone. I stood and made to leave but he called after me.

“Yeah?” I asked, turning back.

“Go home and get some sleep. I can’t have you looking like you’ve been beaten on camera,” he said.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I said. I doubted I’d actually be able to sleep, but I appreciated the chance.

“Oh, and good luck tonight,” he continued.

“Thanks, I’m sure I’m going to need it,” I said and he smiled sadly at me before punching numbers on his phone. He had no idea how true it was.

No matter what happens tonight, I’ve got to keep my head on straight, I told myself as I crossed the newsroom back to Dylan’s desk to grab what little amount of things I’d brought with me. It’s going to be tough, no doubt about it, but I can do it, I said, wondering if I really could.