January 2014
“OHHHHHHHH MY GAWWWWWWD! ARGHHHHH!” I squeezed my mother’s hand, crushing her fingers in what must have felt like a death grip. She never once complained; she just kept holding a cool cloth to my sweat-drenched forehead and speaking in a soothing tone as she encouraged me to breathe slowly. My hair was soaked with sweat and plastered to my head. I just knew I looked awful as I tucked my head down to my chest, my face turning bright red and screwed up in a painful grimace.
“There you go, keep pushing, Miss Quinn. Your baby’s head is crowning, and with one more push, the head should be out. You’re doing great.” The nurse was encouraging me in her ever-calm voice as she monitored my progress and all the machines beeping around me. Did these bitches take classes in that ridiculously calm voice they used? I wanted to kick her in the face. She wasn’t the one shitting out a watermelon.
As the doctor walked in, taking over the nurse’s spot between my spread knees, all smiles and sunshine, asking how things were going and was I ready to have this baby, I wanted to kick her in the face too. What was coming over me? I felt like a demon was inhabiting my body. I had been in labor for over seven hours. They said things were progressing very well for my first child. Yeah, fuck them. They weren’t the ones being split in two.
Very well, my ass!
I fell back in exhaustion as the contraction slowly ebbed. Sweat poured down my face, burning my eyes until my mom caught it with the cool rag. I looked up at her in desperation. “Mom, I can’t do this. I don’t know what I was thinking. Get me the epidural. Or just make it stop. I’m not ready! Please!”
My mom gave me a small smile and kissed my cheek. She squeezed my hand lightly in encouragement and told me I was doing great. “It won’t be long now, sweetheart. Your baby will be in your arms and this will be a distant memory. I still cannot believe you didn’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl, but we’ll know soon enough, now won’t we. I’m here for you, baby.” She smiled at me again, and I felt the next contraction building with a quickness, feeling like a band was tightening from my hips, meeting in the middle of my stomach. I screamed through gritted teeth as I leaned forward, nearly touching my chin to the center of my chest, and pushed.
“There we go! Look at that beautiful head of dark hair and those sweet little cheeks!” I rolled my eyes as the doctor suctioned the baby’s nose and spoke of a baby I couldn’t see over the still ginormous lump of my belly. Asshole, I thought. “Next push should have this little one out, Miss Quinn!”
How were all of these people so damn cheery? Yeah, I was gonna kick them all in the face by the end of it. Stupid fuckers!
One more brief respite and the next contraction hit. I pushed like the doctor told me and felt like I would split in two at my crotch.
Surely this baby isn’t going to fit! There is no way.
I still pushed, praying for a miracle that this giant bowling ball was going to fit through the donut-sized opening without ripping it asunder.
I heard the lusty cry of my precious baby just after I felt the fluid-like slip of the little body from mine and the pain eased. As they told me she was a girl and handed her to me wrapped in a little soft cotton blanket, I peered into her big blue eyes. I took in the full pink cheeks and pursed rosebud mouth, falling more in love with this exquisite little miracle with every breath she took. I barely felt the last of the contractions expelling the placenta that had nourished my little angel. She solemnly blinked her beautiful eyes at me before she smiled, revealing two perfect dimples, which hit me like a punch to the gut. She was her daddy’s little girl for sure, and he would never know. I cried for the memories that would never be and for the gift I had been given. I cried for a little girl who would never know her daddy and for the unexpected level of amazing love I had for this one tiny person.
“So what name do you have picked out for your little girl?” the nurse asked with a bright smile as she took my tiny baby girl to clean her up better and do whatever it was they did to babies after they were born. She was so patient and kind, and I couldn’t believe that minutes ago I wanted to kick her in the face. I felt a little discomfited and hoped she hadn’t been able to read my mind.
“Remington Amelia… I want to call her Remi.” I thought of her father and how I would have named her Colton after him if she had been a boy, but since she was a sweet little girl, I figured Remington was a close second to Colt, which was close to her daddy’s name. My smile was bittersweet as I imagined how he would look holding her.
My mother held her after the nurse brought her back over, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, causing my little Remi to root around. My mother laughed as she handed her to me, saying, “I think she’s ready for you, Mommy.” I pulled my gaze from the window, where a soft January snow was falling, and reached for my angel.
As I placed her on my chest with the guidance of the nurse and felt the first tug at my breast from her tiny mouth, I knew there could be no greater or stronger love in the world than I had for this little precious baby. I softly ran my fingers through her silky hair and sent out a message on a prayer, thanking her unknowing daddy for the gift he had bestowed upon me.