FIRST THING IN THE morning, I knocked on Hacker’s door. I waited as long as I could, barely sleeping all night. I needed to ask him how to find her. Yeah, I could call her, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t answer her fucking phone; besides, this was something I needed to talk to her about face to face. The last thing I wanted to do was cause trouble with her guy by calling her or showing up on her doorstep, but I needed to see her. Anyway, how good could things be between them if she could be with me like that last night?
I pounded on the door again when he didn’t answer. I stood listening for his steps or for any sign of life behind his door.
“For fuck’s sake! I’m coming. Shit! There better be a motherfucking fire.” I heard him mumble the last part, along with thumping and rustling behind the door, before the door flew open and Hacker glared at me with bloodshot eyes, dressed only in his boxers.
“What the fuck, man? It’s like 7:00 a.m., bro!”
“Hacker, I need to talk to you. It’s important.”
He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. “At seven in the morning? Shit. You’re killing me.”
“It’s about Stephanie. I need to talk to her. I need to know where I can find her.” I appealed to him, pleading with my eyes. Jesus, I felt like a fucking lunatic. No, I felt like I was beginning to unravel and it was bullshit.
The words had no sooner left my mouth and he rushed me, grabbing me by the front of my cut and slamming my ass against the wall across from his doorway. His face in a vicious snarl, he slammed me against the wall again before I could even think to defend myself.
“It was you! You motherfucker, I should gut you now. What the fuck did you do to her? I knew something had happened!” He looked like he would strangle me any second, and I grabbed his wrists, shoving him away from me, which was no easy feat since the fucker was my size and still as fit as he was during football and in the Marine Corps.
“Get your fucking hands off me! I didn’t fucking do anything to her she didn’t want.” His fist connected with my jaw before I even saw it coming. Jesus H. Christ! I punched him in the gut on reflex, and as he doubled over, I pushed my hair back out of my face and stepped back.
“Goddamn, man, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need to talk to her,” I said in defeat.
He remained bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing deep, head bowed. He lifted his head to look at me.
“Just leave her alone, Reaper. She’s like my little sister. She has a kid, man. They don’t need your kind of shit baggage. Just… just stay away from her.”
A kid? What? What the fuck was this stupid motherfucker talking about? My head shook back and forth in denial. She didn’t have a kid. He was fucking crazy. Unless that was what she wanted to talk to me about? Shit, she was married and had a kid. She wanted to gather her thoughts to tell me she was attracted to me sexually, but what we did was a horrible mistake because she was married with a baby. Fuck me. I leaned against the wall, sliding down until I sat with my arms propped on my knees and my hands dangling loose.
All these years of holding her in my mind, staring at that damn picture, praying I might find her again… They say be careful what you wish for. Now I wished I had never seen her again. At least then, I could have continued to feel like there was still hope. I felt like the blackness in my soul, which I fought so hard to keep at bay, was creeping in to swallow me.
When I rolled out of bed, my bleary eyes could barely focus. Stumbling to the bathroom, I climbed in before the water was even hot. After a cursory wash, I got out of the shower and went back to my room to change. My phone lit up as I entered the room. Damn, since going to bed last night, I had missed five calls and had seven text messages. Shit. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. But as I opened the messages, I saw they were from Michael. Crap. That was worse.
Michael: Where are you?
Michael: Call me
Michael: Call me. Please
Michael: Steph I’m worried about you. Call me
Michael: Call me. Now
Michael: I have been trying to see you all weekend. You weren’t home last night or this morning. I tried to give you some time but this is getting ridiculous.
Michael: Steph. Answer your god damn phone!
The last message was seven minutes ago. I checked and saw that all the missed calls were from him as well. Yeah, asshole, and I bet you had a big surprise when you tried to get into my apartment and the lock was changed, huh? God, I loved my management company. I tossed my phone on the bed, having no intention of answering him.
I dressed quickly and threw my hair up in a messy bun to head downstairs, following the smell of bacon cooking to the kitchen. Warm sunlight flowed in through the lace curtains at the kitchen windows. My mom was at the stove cooking, and Remi sat quietly at the table coloring with a fat purple crayon while she patiently waited for her breakfast. She looked up as she realized I stood in the doorway. Her face lit up and she scrambled down from the chair, running to me and wrapping her little arms around my legs and squeezing.
“Mommy! Wemi miss you so, so much!” she exclaimed. I scooped her up, sharing a good morning kiss with her and repeatedly kissing her dimples, which were a straight punch to the gut for me after last night. I squeezed her in a great big hug. “Mommy! You squish Wemi!” She giggled. I laughed with her as I placed her back in her chair at the table where she happily resumed coloring after I sat next to her. I smiled and shook my head a how cute she was even when she struggled with her R’s. I glanced over to my mom and asked if she needed any help with anything. She said no thank you, smiled, and went back to flipping bacon and stirring eggs.
“I need to head to town this afternoon. I’m going to take Remi and get some I-C-E C-R-E-A-M after I run a couple of errands.” I spelled out the ice cream part or I would never get her to eat her breakfast.
My mom laughed and asked if I wanted company. She seemed a little disappointed when I told her I needed to take care of some things alone. I assured her I would be back afterward and I would be here at least through tomorrow.
“At least until tomorrow?” my mom asked with confusion. “Don’t you have to work on Monday?”
“Yes, but I may need to call in.” I didn’t want to get into why I was reluctant to head home. She started to question me more, but I held up my hand. “Please, Mom, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into right now.” She pressed her lips together in annoyance, but didn’t say anymore. I didn’t let myself be fooled into thinking that meant she had dropped the subject. After all, I had known this woman my whole life.
We took Remi out to gather eggs and she laughed and giggled and tried to catch the chickens, but they ran circles around her. As we were leaving the chicken coop, I saw Sam pull up in the driveway and get out of his truck. He had a troubled expression on his face as he leaned against his truck with his arms crossed. Of my two brothers, Sam and I looked the most alike. We had both inherited our mother’s blonde hair, though his had darkened with age and was now more honey colored than blond, and her clear blue eyes. The irritation and concern I saw in his eyes had me on edge, and I wondered about the reason for his visit this morning. Once we walked closer to the house, he stood up, dropping his arms. He hugged our mom and kissed Remi, promising her he would be in to see her soon. Then he turned to me, intercepting me by catching me by my arm and quietly stating, “We need to talk.”
“Okayyyyy… what about? Is everything okay with you?” I wasn’t sure where this was leading, but I didn’t think I was going to like it. I followed him as he began to walk down the driveway and cut across the front yard to sit on the bench under the big oak tree. I sat down next to him, and he turned to me.
“You wanna tell me what happened with you and Reaper last night?” he said without preamble.
His use of Colton’s road name threw me for a second. Oooh, oh okay, that’s where this was going. Shit. Not a conversation I wanted to have with my older, very protective brother. And how the hell did he know Colton? I stood up, crossing my arms, turning away from him so I didn’t have to look into his eyes, so like mine.
“Nothing happened, Sam. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried for calm nonchalance, but I knew I failed miserably when he continued.
“Really. Then why the hell was he asking Erik how to find you this morning? How would he know who you are, Steph, if nothing happened? Even though he’s quiet as hell and a little pensive, he has always seemed like a pretty decent guy any time I’ve seen him in town. And I really liked him when Erik officially introduced us last night, but looks can be deceiving and I need to know if I read him wrong. Was he the one who put those bruises on your arms you tried to cover with makeup last night? Tell me what’s going on. Do you know him, Steph, or not?” His tone was getting sharper and I could sense his frustration.
“No! God no! He didn’t do that to me! I swear!” I started to sob and I covered my face with my hands. I turned abruptly toward him and, shoulders sagging, told him about Michael and how he had started out such a sweet, great guy but had steadily been progressing to a possessive psycho. Tears continued to run down my face as I stared down at my shoes.
Sam gathered me in a big hug. “I’m going to fucking kill him, Steph,” he ground out in a low voice. “And Reaper? Where does he fit in this? And don’t give me that crap about nothing happened. I don’t fucking buy it. A man doesn’t want to find a woman, with the desperation Erik described, if there is nothing between them.”
I raised tear-filled eyes to his and whispered in a tortured voice, “He’s Remi’s father, but he doesn’t know it…”
“Holy Shit! Are you fucking kidding me? That little girl is over two years old! And you never told him? How could you do that to her? And how in the hell could you keep a father from his own daughter, Steph?” He looked at me with an incredulous expression, like he didn’t know who I was anymore. I pulled away, turning from him.
“It wasn’t like that,” I answered. Then I proceeded to tell him the whole sordid story, minus the details of our night together. There were some things a brother did not need to hear.
“Fuck, Steph. He’s lived here for a while. How have you never seen him?” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Jesus, you have to tell him. If you don’t, I will. It’s not fair to either of them.”
“You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t pray every day that things had been different and I could have told him? And if you remember correctly, I haven’t been home much in the last couple of years,” I cried out. “I just don’t know what to say to him now!”
“Just tell him! He’ll understand.” He stood up and walked toward me, giving me another hug. “I love you, little sis, but you have to do this sooner than later.”